LIVE! February 7th 2022
From Roswell, New Mexico
~A Youtube Ad for THE KILL PILL plays. This seems to be a mistake. An advertisement for a pill that KILLS you should be playing in front of every other pro wrestling show. Not OCW. OCW brings life and happiness and it doesn’t make you feel like a total loser after you watch it. Anyway, that ad ends and we get that OCW logo followed by the MASSACRE logo. You let out a high pitched squeal filled with excitement. Your girlfriend looks at you with disgust and is pretty sure she’s about to leave your ass for this is the final straw. However, she then sees the name “Roswell, New Mexico” and she starts to wonder IF THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. So, she pulls up a chair and sits next to you...you kinda hope she gives you a handjob while you two are sitting there...wrestling and sexual pleasure at the same time. Anyway, the intro ends and we get a shot of the outskirts of Roswell! The ‘Welcome to Roswell’ Sign to be exact and we watch as time is sped up super quick showing OCW erecting a temporary structure for tonight’s event out in a field. Cars drive in, creating a long line of vehicular chaos. These fans are pouring into this place like CRAZY. And, why shouldn’t they be? This is the best thing going in this profession and it ain’t even close. Once time slows to its normal pace, we’re given a night time shot of the fully erected structure with cars surrounding it, fans walking about and the anxious rise and fall of thousands of people huddled inside a small area. It’s Monday Night Massacre and it’s LIVE from Roswell, New Mexico! LET’S FUCKING GO~
Smith: Hello everyone and welcome back to Monday Night Massacre! I’m Smith and alongside me, as always, is Hood!
Hood: People keep asking WHERE THE HOOD AT? Well, I’m right here...in fuckin New Mexico, apparently.
Smith: We’ve got six exciting match ups tonight as the road toward Carpe Noctem gets underway...but first, it appears we have some official business to get to...so let’s send it to the ring where our General Manager, Marcus Welsh is standing by!
~We cut to the ring inside this giant tent with enough heating to keep the fans comfortable. Marcus Welsh stands inside the ring. The fans are going crazy chanting “OCW! OCW!” Normally they’d have to travel out to Florida to see OCW action...but not tonight. Tonight, OCW comes to them! Welsh stands proudly in the ring, mic in both hands. He waits for the cheers to die down...he looks out and sees about twenty fans all dressed as aliens. He nods their way. They do the ‘spooky finger’ gesture. Welsh smiles and then speaks~
Marcus Welsh: Ladies and Gentlemen...it is my pleasure to introduce the owner of OCW….MIKE...ZYYYYYYBALA!!!!!
~HUGE OVATION~
~"Dream Weaver" hits the speakers and out walks a very well dressed Mike Zybala. Freshly shaven and the bruises and swelling from his match with BRIM fading nicely. He high fives fans on they way to the ring before walking up the steps and hopping over the top rope. The music stops as Zybala grabs Welsh's wrist and holds both of their arms up in the air to a loud ovation from the crowd. The arms drop and Zybala gives Welsh a solid handshake. Zybala then pulls a microphone from his jacket pocket~
Zybala: Hello OCW!
~fans cheer~
Zybala: I have always been a man of integrity. Even though there was some shady officiating, BRIM won our match. He is one tough bastard. But during the end of our insanity trip, (gestures to Welsh) this man right here chased away the fake owner Pablino into parts unknown! That left this company ownerless. Marcus could have run the day to day by himself sure, but the past few months something happened. Something that many thought could never happen. A bond of friendship started to form between us. It is through that bond that we will make this company great! We will work together to bring you fans the best product! Because we are only strong together. OCW proud! OCW UNITED!
~Zybala let's the fans cheer for a bit before politely motioning to Welsh~
Smith: Zybala looks great tonight! Beaming with pride!
Hood: Yea, he looks pretty fuckin good for a guy who was nearly beat to death BY A PANTHER
~Welsh pats Mike on the back~
Marcus Welsh: That’s right. OCW PROUD and OCW STRONG. As you can see, the momentum is real. The Great Illuminatus at Carpe Noctem awaits! And now that the two of us are working together and we’ve got our minds right…
~Welsh is heavy on the ‘mind’ part, referencing Mike’s ‘delusions’ from Access Denied...looking at Mike, making sure the message is sent~
Marcus Welsh: We can entertain you all like never before!
Zybala: And entertain you we shall! The last time I was owner, or held any position of power here, Marcus and I were constantly butting heads. We always tried to ruin the plans of the other, regardless of the results. But here we are now! A united front with one goal in mind. To make OCW what it was always destined to be; the best company out there! There have been bumps in the road, but if Access Denied's opening video package showed, we're the Jason Voorhess of the wrestling world! You can NOT keep us down, and if you try.... Well, Marcus can tell you what happens when you try to fuck with OCW…
Marcus Welsh: YOU GET PURGED.
~The fans go wild~
Marcus Welsh: Yes, I know. The purged are some hilarious people. But enough about the trash that resides outside these walls. Let’s keep this on point...with Zybala back in charge and your trusty GM (that’s me) working with him, OCW should reach new heights as we march toward Carpe Noctem and The GREAT ILLUMINATUS. Which, I’m happy to say will feature, for the first time...the owner of OCW competing for the OCW Title!
~ Once again, the crowd goes wild. ~
Zybala: You're god damn right! I pinned Outcast before. I took everything he threw at me, including stabbing me in the leg with a freaking icicle. I was bleeding out and still had enough in the tank to superkick him out cold. If it wasn't for Pablino, I would be your unofficial two time World champion. If all I have to do is make it to the top to get another chance to commit the crime of elderly abuse, I'd like to see someone stop me!
~ Zybala turns to Welsh. ~
Zybala: Speaking of the world title, since I'm the owner again, doesn't that mean I retroactively can make my title win count?
~Welsh laughs, nervously. He then reaches for an earpiece that doesn’t exist~
Marcus Welsh: What’s that? Oh, okay.
~He turns to Mike~
Marcus Welsh: Mike, I’ve just been informed that an alien spacecraft has been spotted hovering over the event. Apparently extraterrestrial life is interested in OCW! What do you say we head out there and see what’s up.
~The fans all yell “LITERALLY”. Zybala gets excited and hugs Welsh while screaming "They got my message, Marcus!" and runs out of the ring to the backstage area. Welsh looks relieved that he dodged one bullet at least. He tosses the mic to Belvedere and follows Zybala outside~
Smith: Fans, while our two leaders run outside to look for aliens...yes, those words actually came out of my mouth. While they look into the sky for life, let’s cut to our first segment of the evening!
~We cut to an outdoor wedding in Roswell. WHO THE FUCK PLANS THEIR WEDDING ON THE SAME DAY AS MASSACRE? Some asshole, probably. Fucking selfish bastards. Anyway, the bride is walking down the aisle and she’s got her face covered. Several people are whispering~
Person: Surprised they were able to cover her entire nose with that mask.
Person 2: I know, right?
Person: But, still, thrilled she finally found someone.
Person 2: Oh, me too.
~The bride hits the stage and the veil is removed revealing a HUGE NOSE. It’s oddly quiet for a second as everyone kinda side eyes each other as if to say “you see that, right?” The groom can’t look directly at it...we can only assume this chick comes from a LOADED family. Anyway, the minister flies through the service until he gets to the most crucial point~
Minister: If anybody has a reason why these two should NOT be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold your peace.
~One second, two seconds, three seconds...looking good...four seconds...AH SHIT~
Voice: I have something to say!
~The crowd gasps. The bride and groom turn, the groom is knocked out by the bride’s massive schnoz. They see LEO standing~
Leo: Oh, wow, lots of eyes. Great. Ahem, yes, I’m here to ask you all if you’ve let OCW into your lives?
~Death stares~
Leo: You haven’t? Well, have I got great news for you! Because OCW is now hiring! To fill out an application just head on over to www.onlinechampionshipwrestling.com/join.html and fill one out!
~Leo holds up a giant sign displaying his words~
Leo: OCW PROUD AND STRONG!
~Long silence. Leo coughs and lowers the sign, slowly~
Father of the Bride: Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing at MY lovely daughter’s wedding?
Leo: Lovely?
~Leo questions. Rage starts to take over the mood~
Leo: Sorry, sir I just saw a bunch of people and thought this might be a good place to recruit...was I wrong?
~The rage consumes the people. They boo and throw things at Leo. He hops struggles to the aisle and sprints away. We cut back to Massacre~
Smith: Leo, ladies and gentlemen...or, as he's known on Twitter...LEON
Hood: Gotta admire the hustle.
Smith: I suppose. Anyway, it's been a fast start already...we've had Zybala, we've had Welsh...we've had...aliens?
Hood: Only aliens I see are the ones that had to climb a wall.
Smith: HOOD
Hood: WHAT?!
Smith: Before you say anything that drags you into VARGAS territory...let's cut to the ring for our first of six matches this evening.
Matthew Behrman (0-0) vs. Sugar Valentine (0-0)
~”It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” begins to play and Sugar Valentine struts out from behind the curtain, jacket hanging across his shoulders. He saunters toward the ring with his very signature walk. He passes by the section of ‘aliens’. He pauses. One of the aliens has a very impressive rack of boobs. Sugar eyes them, removes a toothpick from his mouth and points at her ‘call me’. The female alien jumps up and down, excited. Sugar spins around and reaches the ring, rolling in under the bottom rope~
Belvedere: He’s the former head of female talent...ladies and gentlemen, he’s Sugar Valentine!
~Sugar pops to his feet and spins around before taking a bow. The Roswell people are fairly kind...I mean Sugar is charismatic and not a total jerk like, say, that dreaded LOBSTER MOBSTER fella. His music ends and he awaits the arrival of his opponent~
Belvedere: And, his opponent…
~Money Talks by AC/DC hits! The Roswell crowd begins to dance around using very extraterrestrial type movements. Especially the ones dressed as aliens. Matthew Behrman, one of OCW’s newest signings, appears from behind the curtain and marches toward the ring, focused on the task at hand. He hits the ring and rushes in through the ropes~
Belvedere: From Toledo, Ohio...standing 6’0 tall and weighing in at 240lbs...Matthew Behrman!!!!
~Belvedere exits. The bell rings. Scruff is reffing the action...the fans are on their feet as we’re set to kick off the in-ring action on tonight’s Massacre~
Smith: And the first Massacre match of 2022 is underway!
Hood: Who you got? I think I’m going with Sugar. This is his year.
Smith: Good luck with that.
~Sugar slowly removes his coat, placing it over the top rope, into the arms of an OCW employee. As he does, Behrman charges in and lifts a knee into Sugar’s ribs!! The aliens at ringside boo, waving their long goofy alien fingers around with hysteric animus~
Smith: And Matthew Behrman wasting no time in taking it to Sugar.
Hood: Sugar knows all about hustling, Smith. I’m shocked Behrman is outhustling him.
Smith: Behrman has his sights set on the Paradigm Championship. An impressive debut would open some eyes and possibly help his objective gain some momentum.
Hood: Everybody just calm down. This is Sugar Valentine. Let’s not act like he’s about to defeat Bob Grenier or anything. Pump the breaks on title talk.
~Behrman snatches Sugar’s head under his arm and drags him toward the center of the ring. Valentine tries to fight free but Behrman is too strong, too technically sound. He hooks Sugar and lifts him up and over with a snap suplex! Sugar hits hard, arching his back in pain. Behrman gets to his knees, he spins around and wraps his hands around Sugar’s throat. The fans BOO. Scruff comes in, giving Matthew a five count before forcing a break~
Smith: Behrman showing tremendous aggression in there.
Hood: Kinda makes you wonder if Sugar over charged him.
Smith: For what?!
Hood: Don’t act like you don’t know.
~Behrman gets to his feet and pushes Scruff away. He yanks Sugar off the mat and boots him in the gut. He hooks him for another suplex...this time, he lifts him up and drops him across the top rope...the spring in the ropes shoot Sugar forward and Behrman drops him with a Slingshop Suplex!!! Valentine arches his back, sitting up...he gets to all fours, in obvious pain. Behrman stands behind him, measuring him up~
Smith: Tremendous strength and balance displayed by Matthew Behrman.
Hood: I think Sugar’s just about finished. At least he’ll get paid for this quickie. Then again, I think he gets paid for every quickie.
Smith: I wouldn’t know anything about that.
~Sugar gets to one knee...Behrman charges forward, he leaps into the air, grabs Sugar’s head and plants him face first into the mat with Glass City bulldog (Bulldog)!!! Sugar is flattened front first on the mat. Behrman rolls him over and makes the pin. Scruff slides in~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...MATTHEW BEHRMAN!!!!!
Smith: Matthew Behrman with an impressive win here tonight in his debut!
Hood: Yea, I mean he took care of business. As he should.
~Behrman pulls his arm away from Scruff. He begins to stomp on Sugar. The fans boo and yell at him to stop. But, Behrman doesn’t listen. He pulls Sugar up and throws him over the top rope and to the outside. More boos. Behrman scoffs and exits the ring, threatening to hit fans if they try and touch him on his way to the back. At ringside, the big boobed alien leans over to check on Sugar...he gets a look at her cleavage and smiles~
Smith: Matthew Behrman has quite the attitude. He won’t make any friends acting like that.
Hood: Good news, it appears Sugar’s gonna be okay. That woman is bringing him back to life.
Smith: I really have no comment about that.
Hood: Smith, it’s okay if you kinda wanna fuck that alien.
Smith: Don’t you dare associate my name with such filth!
~It’s been a wild and weird start for Marcus Welsh. Probably shouldn’t be much of a surprise given they are in ROSWELL. Welsh heads for the bathroom because all that McDonald’s coffee makes a man (OR WOMAN) have to piss. He finds all the port-o-potty’s in use...so, he waits. A door opens and out steps a man dressed as an alien~
Man: Hello kind citizen thank you for your lavatory accommodations.
Marcus Welsh: Get the fuck away from me.
~The Alien tilts his head rapidly~
Man: That is a very rude human.
~He scurries off. Welsh enters and takes a massive piss. We won’t go into detail, just understand that it was glorious. He exits, wiping his hands against his pants. As he does, he sees a bunch of men enter all dressed like they’re heading for a job interview. They look around, confused and lost. Having just encountered an alien, Welsh sees these guys and feels the need to say ‘hello’~
Marcus Welsh: Gentlemen, are you lost?
Guy: We are work associates of Bobby Bourbon. We are here about the exciting job opportunity.
Marcus Welsh: Um.
~Welsh looks around, confused~
Marcus Welsh: Is Bourbon here?
Guy: We aren’t sure. But we were told to be here with cash in hand ready to receive a life changing job opportunity.
~Welsh starts to count. There’s about fifteen of these fuckers~
Marcus Welsh: Tell you what, why don’t you guys go stand around in the crowd and I’ll see what I can do.
Guy: Should we give you our money?
~They all extend their hands, full of cash~
Marcus Welsh: Uhh, no, that’s okay. If you want to give me that money, hand it over by purchasing some merchandise.
~This just adds to the confusion. Welsh heads off. They follow him. He looks over his shoulder, they continue to follow him. He speeds up his pace. They speed up their pace. We cut away~
~Welsh runs into Bobby Bourbon backstage, literally and abruptly, as he rounds a corner. Bobby is standing with a small, elderly Japanese man in a business suit~
BB: Oh? Ah, Marc, this is Mr. Shigeru. Shigeru-san, this is Mr. Welsh. Mr. Welsh was the man I thought we would be partnering with.
Mr. Shigeru: Hello.
Marcus Welsh: Bobby, wait, investors? What business partnership?
~Bobby glances back at Mr. Shigeru and leans towards Marcus~
BB: You know, the yramid-pay eme-schay.
Mr. Shigeru: I understand pig latin, Mr. Bourbon.
Marcus Welsh: You're signed up for a match, it's not a literal pyramid scheme.
~Bobby looks back at Mr. Shigeru, then to Marcus. Then back to Mr. Shigeru. Then to Marcus~
BB: Well, that's alright. Mr. Shigeru is a vending machine magnate, and we have a great concept. Marcus, this is a ground floor opportunity. How would you like to be the first wrestling company in America that sells used panties?
Marcus Welsh: What?
Mr. Shigeru. They’re not actually used, my company manufactures them to appear used.
~Welsh rolls his eyes and turns~
BB: Hey, weren't you going this way?
Marcus Welsh: I changed my mind.
~Welsh pivots on his heel, twiling 180 degrees so that he can head in the opposite direction. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: It appears as though Bobby Bourbon took the name 'Pyramid Scheme' quite literally.
Hood: You have to admire the hustle, Smith. He's already got, like, 15 investors! Maybe he should run a literal pyramid scheme!
Smith: That's totally unethical advice, Hood.
Hood: Man, fuck that. If people are dumb enough to invest in shit like that...that's their problem.
Smith: Regardless of the mixed signals...Bobby Bourbon is slated to compete in the Pyramid Scheme Match at Carpe Noctem on February 27th! A former tag champion, Bobby Bourbon has what it takes to go all the way and challenge Outcast at the top of the Pyramid for the OCW Title.
Hood: You're not just whistling trixie.
Smith: It's dixie.
Hood: Whatever...stupid saying anyway.
Smith: Alright fans, it appears we're about to have an in-ring promo...so let's head down there!
Hood: If it's Alice Knight, I swear...
~The fans in Roswell are going almost as crazy as the homegrown faithful do back in The Keys at the OCW Arena and they have been treated to the debut of Matthew Behrman and are looking forward to the HOOT Dawg of OCW Alice Knight and Chad Vargas’s third cousin twice removed, Bob Grenier in the main event. But up next, it’s a special treat for the OCW Faithful of New Mexico as “New” by No Doubt hits and the fans are in their feet instantly!~
Smith: Oh man, Alice!!!
Hood: Where did I put my gun?
Smith: I found it earlier and hid it for this moment.
~The fans are curious as to why no one comes when the music suddenly stops and the OCWtron lights up with Knifeman waving his knife at the guys in truck.~
Tech: Wait, it’s the other Gwen Stefani band song? Shit, my mistake.
~Suddenly “Just A Girl” by No Doubt starts to play as the OCW faithful, while sad it’s not Alice, cheer for their reigning Trans-Atlantic Champion as Veronica Strader walks through the curtain followed by Roxxie G, Marcy The Headmistress and Chuck follows out behind them. She wears the championship proudly around her waist as she holds her right fist up in the air.~
Smith: It’s the Trans-Atlantic Champion, Hood! She’s no Alice but she is making her way!
Hood: Keep her away from me. She stabbed Dylan Thomas with a dirty needle. He probably had to get a shot in the ass like James Belushi!
~Vee and her odd entourage reach the OCW ring and climb inside with Chuck getting lifted up by Marcy as he snuggles into her chest area. The music dies down and Belvedere hands her the microphone.~
Veronica: No matter where we go, I know I always have my OCW Faithful at my back isn’t that right ROSWELL?!
~The fans pop and Hood rolls his eyes.~
Veronica: January 30th, 2022, I promised you all it would be a historic night and it was exactly that but not just because of me and Dylan. Only Outcast and I found a way to come out of Detroit still the champions of our respective titles. I told Dylan Thomas that not only would I throw him off a roof but I would make the first notch in the legacy I am building as the Trans-Atlantic Champion! The previous champion Betsy Granger was no pushover and left a rather large hill for me to climb to prove myself to be the Champion she was but to push me to be even better. Dylan, you have been nuts and butts the most difficult opponent I ever have had and I want to personally thank you for not only showing me the respect I deserve but also giving me everything you had to show me I have what it takes to make my mark in this business, but more importantly right here in OCW!
~The fans give her another cheap pop.~
Smith: She is Proud and Strong!
Hood: Which makes it difficult…
Smith: What difficult?
Hood: To not like her. I mean one, she’s Canadian but she loves this company. Conflicted right now.
Veronica: At the end of my successful defence The Lost Stranger attacked me from behind, staring deep into my championship as he did with the new Craze Champion, PerZag. I challenged the Lost Stranger a few weeks back and he wrecked my plans of a great one on one by inviting Zybala to the party.
~She gets right into the camera lens staring out for The Lost Stranger.~
Veronica: I want you to choose me, TLS. I want you to mysteriously appear out of nowhere, I want to play mind games with you that I know you are so very good at. I watched as all these fans did with the game you played on Erin Gordon, and I triple dog dare you to choose MY Trans-Atlantic Championship, to receive a title shot for and to play your mind games with!!!
~The OCW Faithful are big TLS fans it appears and all Vee does is nod.~
Veronica: You have that same Aura that Dylan has. The one that shows how loyal you are to this company and to these people that make our jobs by coming to watch us beat the ever living shit out of one another for leather and gold. Or to fix a city’s homeless problem and provide quality chicken sandwiches, even. I have wanted you one on one since before the day I challenged you. I will stay out of the Great Illuminatus Pyramid match to show you serious I am wanting you to pick me. Starting next week. Every Massacre. Until I get an answer from the Lost Stranger, I am requesting to be booked every show up to Carpe Noctem!
~The fans are not pleased about her announcement to stay out of the hyped up Pyramid match but cheer the fact she has vowed to wrestle every week until the big show.~
Smith: She really wants TLS. But I feel if Erin Gordon had of won, Veronica would be out here doing the same thing. That’s a defending champion.
Hood: I already told you he was very fashionable, she obviously wants fashion tips, not going to tell you again. Now Imagine if you will, they became a tag team through all of this and she wore a mask like that. This fucking whole thing, gone.
~He points at all the tents and shanty towns set up without an arena to work out of. Not even a High School Gym. He stops and pretends like nothings happened.~
Veronica: I will be awaiting your answer. Next week, anyone Zybala or my mentor Marcus Welsh can throw at me. Chuck, ladies, lets go.
~ Vee and her entourage leave the ring and Chuck is quite annoyed he is walking again.~
Smith: Well, one thing is for certain. Strader wants TLS
Hood: I'm telling ya, that fashion...it's eye catching. She's lusting over the stranger.
Smith: She wants him in the ring, you idiot. Not like, ya know, how you're suggesting.
Hood: Geez, speak more clearly next time. C'mon, man.
Smith: Will TLS pick Strader? Or, will he go with PerZag? Something tells me we're going to have to wait for our answer.
Hood: I'd pick Strader. Easier path toward victory.
Smith: And how do you figure that?
Hood: Well, for starters, she's a woman, second of all...
Smith: Okay, I've heard enough of your garbage. Let's cut to something else!
~We cut to a segment labeled EARLER IN THE MOTHER FUCKING DAY. Hood is backstage, enjoying a protein bar as he eyes the TV very, very sharply. A woman is behind him, rubbing his shoulders. It’s clear Hood is very intense~
Female: Is that the spot?
~Hood doesn’t respond. His eyes narrowing as he takes a big bite out of his protein bar. We hear the sound of a body hitting the mat and the crowd going wild~
Hood: Who IS this guy? I’ve got to figure this out.
Female: He just looks like a slightly overweight masked wrestler to me.
~Hood scoffs~
Hood: Alisa, go get me a drink.
~We get a shot of Alisa, Hood’s female companion. She smiles and exits. As she does, Smith enters~
Smith: You ready to run down tonight’s format? OH MY, HELLO!
~He is gobsmacked by the beautiful Alisa. She smiles and exits. Smith rushes up~
Smith: WHO IS THAT?!
Hood: Oh, that’s just some chick I’m seeing. She’s okay. Her massages kinda suck, though.
Smith: What’s her name?
Hood: Alisa, I’m pretty sure. At least she doesn’t correct me when I call her that.
~Smith thinks for a minute. Alisa. Her appearance~
Smith: Uh, Hood. Have you realized that she’s got a few striking similarities to…
~Another loud slam from the TV. We hear the bell ring and the crowd cheering. Hood pauses the program and leans in, staring with tremendous intent~
Hood: WHO ARE YOU, EL KNUCKLE?
~Smith seems baffled~
Smith: Are...are you serious?
Hood: Who is this masked wrestler...this mystery is driving me NUTS.
Smith: I think it’s pretty clear that it’s…
~Cap Slock enters~
Cap Slock: GENTLEMEN IT’S TIME TO REHEARSE.
~Smith exits with Hood lingering, staring at a still image of El Knuckle on his TV. We cut back to the live feed~
Smith: Very interesting...
Hood: I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I think you're just jealous cause Alisa is HOT
Smith: Mhm
Hood: Fuck off
Smith: Well, while Hood continues to struggle with his underlying emotions and feelings let's cut to the ring for the debut of "The Hellion" Lisa Lock!
“The Hellion” Lisa Lock (0-0) vs. Whisper Mendoza (0-0)
~These OCW fans aren’t stupid. Or, maybe they are...just not in matters that concern OCW! Why do I say this? Because they are already chanting “WHISPER OR WE RIOT!” Belvedere doesn’t even have to speak...they already know the popular, charming Whisper Mendoza is set to make her Massacre in-ring debut~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
~“Careless Whisper” by Seether hits. The fans go wild! Whisper Mendoza emerges from the back, looking side to side as though she’s got a huge ass secret to tell...someone. She makes her way down the aisle...she leans in to a fan and whispers in his ear. He screams with joy and promptly faints. Whisper continues to the ring~
Belvedere: She’s the highlight of Monday Night...whispering into the hearts and souls of fans all over the globe...ladies and gentlemen...Whisper Mendoza!!!
~Riot by Three Days Grace hits! The fans immediately turn, staring at the entrance...great concern over Whisper’s well being. The Hellion steps through the curtain...Lisa Lock making her OCW debut! She marches straight to the ring...no fanfare cause, what’d be the point? These fans are clearly behind Whisper. She even marches straight past the alien people without pause...she’s focused~
Belvedere: From Columbus, Ohio...standing 5’8 and weighing in at 175lbs...she is “The Hellion” Lisa Lock!!!
~Belvedere sees the focus and determination on Lisa’s face...so he bails. Scruff remains in the ring. Lisa slides in. Whisper’s back is to her, staring out over her corner, at the fans. Lock pops to her feet. Scruff motions for the bell. It rings. The crowd pops. Lock goes right after Whisper~
Smith: Uh oh...Whisper needs to pay attention. Lisa isn’t gonna sit back and wait on her to decide that this match has a smidgen of importance.
Hood: SMIDGEN? You been watching a bunch of BBC or some shit?
Smith: I have not...but that doesn’t mean I’m against BBC.
Hood: Yes, we all know your fascination with BBC.
~Lock grabs Whisper from behind and rips her around. Whisper has a look of surprise on her face...a look that’s promptly eviscerated by a stiff right forearm into the face, sending Whisper faltering back into her corner. Lisa lifts knee after knee into Whisper’s abdomen...the boos start to pour in from the fans~
Smith: These fans don’t like it but I don’t see a reasonable argument behind their animosity. Lisa Lock is doing her job.
Hood: Whisper still thinks this is Monday Night Equality. Can’t take your eye off the prize on Massacre...these wrestlers are here to win.
Smith: Indeed.
~Lock ceases with the knees and starts to jab away at Whisper’s cute face. The STANS in the crowd are growing furious. HOW DARE SHE PUNCH WHISPER IN THE FACE?! Lisa finishes jabbing Whisper’s jaw into something that might look like Jay Leno’s monstrous feature before backing up and urging a staggering Whisper her way. Whisper stumbles forward...Lisa hits the ropes, she bounces off...she slides across the mat and SMACKS Whisper with a sliding uppercut!! Mendoza’s body snaps back, hitting the mat hard. The fans continue to boo. Lisa is unaffected~
Smith: These fans aren’t liking it but Lisa Lock is dominating Whisper.
Hood: Welsh signed her for a reason, Smith. She may have experience in punk bands and circus acts...but this is a far cry from all of that lame shit. And, well, she looks to be just fine.
~Lisa grabs Whisper’s legs. The Hellion isn’t wasting any time...she’s not getting paid by the hour. She flips Whisper over and locks Equilibrium (Walls of Jericho style Bostom Crab) onto Whisper!!! Whisper screams and taps immediately! Scruff calls for the bell!~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...“THE HELLION” LISA LOCK!!!!!
Smith: Wow!
Hood: She may be called Whisper but I could hear her fuckin voice all the way across the arena.
~Lisa releases the hold. She pops to her feet, getting her hand raised in victory~
Smith: Impressive debut for Lisa Lock. The competition will only get tougher from here on out.
Hood: Think we’ll see her inside THE GREAT ILLUMINATUS?
Smith: We could! Alright fans, let's cut backstage where I'm told the Craze Champion is standing by!
~We go backstage into the locker room of none other than ‘The Worthiest of Them All’ himself, PerZag. ‘The Sexiest Man In Wrestling’ sits on a fold-up chair, his OCW Craze Championship belt placed on his left shoulder. He stares at the title and speaks, not even looking towards the camera~
PerZag: In the past, I would disgrace this championship or any other title like it. I would say that none of this matters because it is not the OCW Championship. But, with time comes wisdom.
~PerZag turns his gaze away from the OCW Craze Championship and stares straight towards the camera’s lens~
PerZag: That whole saying of the OCW Championship being the only championship that matters is a rookie saying. Only the rookies claim that because they think that that is how they get over. And I tell you, I can see the rookie I once was. Looking back, looking at the old footage of myself, I was a bonafide rookie. When I won the OCW Championship, I was a rookie. Only three years into the business then.
~PerZag turns his head back to the Craze Championship belt~
PerZag: Now, I am nearly at my eighth anniversary. April 1st 2014, was when I signed my first-ever contract here in OCW. And with my eighth year upon me, I have realized that wisdom is starting to come. That the idea of one championship belt mattering isn’t as important as I had always believed.
~PerZag turns back to the camera~
PerZag: You see, what matters is what you do as champion. I will always count more as an OCW Internet Champion than I ever will as the OCW World Champion. And why was that?
~PerZag pauses for the hypothetical question~
PerZag: Because I flaked. That’s what happened. I was a three-year rookie, and I flaked. It is what it is. But that OCW World Championship is seen as the MAIN EVENT! But here’s the thing that I have learnt. I don’t need to be the main event champion to be the main event. I am the main event. I am the attraction that people come to see. But why is that?
~PerZag looks around the locker room as if he is looking for someone to give him the answer~
PerZag: It’s because it doesn’t matter whether it is the Internet Championship. Or the Paradigm Championship. Or the tag team, the Savage, the World or even this Craze Championship right here.
~PerZag looks at the OCW Craze Championship once more, moving it around on his shoulder. Then, he looks back at the camera~
PerZag: I put absolutely everything into my matches. I put my body, my heart and my soul on the line. I put everything in that ring, and if people don’t bring their ‘everything’, they end up like Ed Houston. Staring up at the sky as I get the one, the two and the three.
So the point is, as long as I hold this OCW Craze Championship, it will be the Main Event. It is going to be the special attraction title. It is going to be what everybody truly wants. I am the guy that everybody wants to fight, I am the guy that everybody wants to put on a five star classic with, I am THE guy.
So to those of you new to this company and those of you who have been around for a while, I am always ready, willing, and able. You want to skyrocket to the moon, put on a classic with me. You want to get out from under that prehistoric rock and show you still have it, put on a show with me. Or if you just want a slugfest like no other, come to me.
I haven’t trained in every style of wrestling for nothing. I have learnt it all because it means that, no matter what, I am ready to fight. Nobody will ever have an advantage over me because I am just tactically better.
~PerZag stands up from the fold-up chair~
PerZag: And if you saw how quickly I beat Ed, one of the best athletes on the roster, then you know I am not speaking lightly. I am one hundred and ten per cent in that ring, at all times. You don’t bring it; you get put down.
~PerZag walks up to the camera, crouching down in front of it, lifting his right hand up as if to turn the camera off. But, instead, he stares straight into the lens one last time~
PerZag: If anybody has something to prove, come see me. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Rookie, a Regular or a Hall of Famer, come and prove your WORTH!
~And with that, the footage switches to black~
CATCH THE REPLAY FOR THE ULTRA LOW PRICE OF $69.69!!!
~ We are backsta— well, somewhere around the large Massacre event in the desert cause Poblino ran away with the money. Luckily Veronica’s dead grandpa was a very successful Outlaw biker and coke mule for thirty years and amassed a very dirty fortune that he left his granddaughters Veronica (well actually Victoria, he never met her alternate personality) and Cara (the one Veronica threw off the OCW Arena before Christmas) so she had sent Marcy and Roxxie into town and they bought a large family sized party tent. Veronica comes through the zippered entrance with her turned back facing inside.~
Veronica: Sorry Chuck, the Poblano Pepper Nuggies aren’t available anymore—
~ Veronica is cut off by someone walking into her. She composes herself and starts to yell.~
Veronica: Can’t you watch where you are going?! Like fuck!
~ The handsome OCW Champion Outcast sends a smile her way. ~
Outcast: Darlin’ I didn’t see you there.
~ Vee stops and the look of anger on her face fades into one of a flirtatious nature. ~
Veronica: Oh Outcast, you are about the only one that is allowed to not look where he’s going.
~ The two share a laugh. ~
Outcast: That was a hell of a title defence you had at Access Denied. It’s not easy to retain in this company, that’s why only the best of the best can make it here.
~ Vee uncharacteristically blushes at his compliment. ~
Veronica: Dylan was a tough bastard, made me earn it. I am sorry that you didn’t get a real chance to put Maurako down. Although I was laughing with you.
Outcast: A woman of taste is always a nice change of pace.
Veronica: Hold that thought.. hey Roxxie, grab my pen and TPW business card would you?
~ She turns and smiles at the champion. Roxxie comes up and hands Vee what she asked for except for the card. ~
Roxxie: Sorry boss, there isn’t any here. Marcy forgot them at the arena.
Veronica: Fine, thanks Rox.
~ Vee turns her attention back to Outcast and takes his right hand and scribbles something on his palm. Outcast looks down and a smile crosses his face. ~
Veronica: Talk to you soon?
Outcast: Definitely darlin’.
~ Outcast watches Veronica walk off towards the big equipment shed that Massacre is happening inside of as the camera comes around and catches a phone number written in the palm of his hand. OCW is smart and blurs it enough that we know what it is but she won’t get prank calls about anal sex. ~
Smith: Two champions having a nice conversation...always prefer that over the alternative...a fight.
Hood: Can you believe this? I knew this would happen.
Smith: What?
Hood: She's trying to fuck her way to the top! Ya give a woman an inch and they swallow a mile, ya know what I'm saying?
Smith: For goodness sakes, Hood! She probably just wants to discuss some professional topics with the top wrestler in the entire industry.
Hood: Yea, right. You ever had a girl write her number on the palm of your hand? It isn't so they can discuss work related matters, I can tell you that.
Smith: Well, I'd prefer to think the best. Have a positive, clean mind on their potential interaction.
Hood: Yea, you do that and see how it works out for you.
Smith: Moving on! Our third match this evening features the return of a man who was part of the team that finished as the runner up in last year's Margarita Mix! He won the OCW crowd over with his toughness and fondness for booze. Brett Daniels is back in action!
Brett Daniels (0-0) vs. The Lobster Mobster (0-0)
~Some spooky alien music plays throughout the temporarily erected arena. A few ‘flying saucers’ float above the heads of the fans (tiny sauces glued at the end of a skinny stick). It’s a very Roswellian atmosphere. The fans dressed as aliens are downing green drinks and living it up! Belvedere clears his throat to a tremendous ovation~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen...the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
~”Woke Up This Morning” by Alabama 3 (SOPRANOS THEME) begins to play. The Lobster Mobster thrusts his pinchers through the curtain and appears. He’s got his tommy gun in one hand and a lit stogie in the other. He takes a puff and exhales a tremendous amount of smoke before strutting to the ring with more panache, more confidence than a beer salesman at an AA meeting~
Belvedere: From Salvatore’s Surf in the Atlantic...he is the one, the only...the Lobster Mobster!!!
~Lobster Mobster reaches the end of the aisle. He turns and sees a fan eating some IMITATION CRAB MEAT. He slings his tommy gun around and points it at the fan. Everybody screams. Security tries to calm him down...his black lobster eyes are full of rage~
Smith: Get that gun away from him! He’s gonna kill somebody!
Hood: He can’t stand imitation crab meat, Smith. He HATES it.
Smith: I mean, imitation crab meat is pretty gnarly but it’s no reason to SHOOT somebody
Hood: You obviously haven’t lived the mobster life, Smith. He’s out there making that real money.
Smith: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
~The Lobster Mobster finally calms down and drops his tommy gun. He steps up and grabs the fan by the throat with his pinchers, attempting to kill him. OCW security tries to pry him off the fan, but they can’t. Belvedere motions to cut the music. It ends. He hurries to speak~
Belvedere: And, his opponent…
~"Midnight rider" by Willie Nelson hits! Brett Daniels bursts through the curtain, ice cold budweiser in his hand, cowboy hat atop his head. He marches straight for The Lobster Mobster. The Lobster Mobster doesn’t see him, too busy trying to murder the man enjoying some imitation crab meat. Daniels reaches Lobster and SMASHES his beer bottle over his red head!! Lobster stumbles forward, into the side of the ring. The crowd goes wild!!! The fans collapses, passed out due to a lack of oxygen...imitation crab meat all over the floor. None of the fans move to eat it before the five second rule expires~
Smith: Smart move by Belvedere. Get Brett out here in time to save the fan from certain death.
Hood: Ya know, we might wanna use imitation crab meat as rodent repellent back at the OCW Arena. Seems like it might work.
Smith: What? You talk like we’re infested. The OCW Arena is very clean.
Hood: Ah yea, but you never know. Could use it to ward off unwanted, filthy creatures like cats...Alice Knight.
Smith: STOP
~Daniels rips the gun away from Lobster and slaps the cigar out of his pincher. He then tosses Lobster into the ring under the bottom rope. Belvedere promptly exits. Brett removes his cowboy hat and hits the ring. The bell sounds. Lobster tries getting to his feet but Daniels boots him in the gut, doubling him over. His hat falls to the mat...Daniels kicks it out of the ring. Daniels leans into the ropes...he fires forward and gives Lobster a HUGE boot to the face!! Lobster stumbles back, into the ropes. He staggers forward and nearly has his head taken off by Daniels via a vicious lariat!!! Mobster falls to the mat~
Smith: Brett Daniels is beating Lobster Mobster like he owes him money!
Hood: The Lobster Mobster won’t stand for this, Smith. He’s a mobster. His pride is all he’s got. He takes one beating like this on national television and next thing you know Stevie the Shrimp gets a bit lippy on collection day while handing over half his scheduled payment.
Smith: That’s more detailed than I expected but, yes, this could be bad for the Lobster Mobster’s business.
~Brett pulls Lobster off the mat. He rears back and nearly sends Lobster to the cardiologist with SOUPBONE (Heart Punch)!!! Mobster hits the mat. He’s not moving. Brett Daniels makes the cover. Scruff slides in with the count~
1!
2!
3!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...BRETT DANIELS!!!!!
Smith: Dominating win by Brett Daniels! He looks to be in tip top shape...the same shape he was in when he nearly went all the way in last year’s Margarita Mix.
Hood: Lobster Mobster’s got some work to do. His crew of crustaceans have got to be wondering if he’s the leader they need during these trying times.
Smith: Trying times?
Hood: Yes, it’s hard times for the crustaceans right now...those swindling sharks and devious dolphins are moving in on their turf. They might have to go to war, Smith.
Smith: I’m sorry I asked.
~Daniels exits the ring. A fan dressed as an alien offers him a green beer. He looks down at it...memories of St Patrick’s Day flood back so, he shrugs, takes a sip and thanks the fan before heading to the back~
Smith: A beer is a beer to a man like Brett Daniels, especially after an in-ring victory!
Hood: That’s just a fuckin bud light with some green dye, anyway.
Smith: In all likelihood. Brett Daniels dominant in his return!
~We cut backstage where GM Marcus Welsh is watching a video on Youtube titled “Alternate Dimensions”. Leaning forward, he listens to the bearded man speaking from a basement with great enthusiasm when his door opens. He scrambles to slap his laptop shut~
Marcus Welsh: Knock! Knock next time!
~He yells without looking~
AKB: Ah shit, my bad boss. Didn’t realize you jerked it during the show.
~Welsh scoffs and blows uneven bursts of air from his lips~
Marcus Welsh: I...I would never do such a thing at the office. What do I look like to you, some sort of animal? Please.
~AKB is like ‘whatever, bro’. He turns and motions for Who’Re to enter. Welsh’s eyes narrow. These two have a fair amount of history...it was Who’Re who stole OCW out from under him nearly a year ago when Welsh was going through his hardcore alcoholism phase. He still hasn’t forgiven the woman. But tonight she looks different...she looks nervous, she looks scared. She looks as though her life might be on the line. Given her emotional disposition, Welsh refrains from calling her a no good thieving slut and permits her silent passage, as she takes a seat across his desk. AKB stands back, behind her, his hands on the back of her chair. Who’Re lowers her head, staring at the floor~
AKB: Sir, I know you two haven’t really been on the best of terms recently but she’s got something I think you should hear.
~Marcus clears his throat and folds his hands, leaning forward with interest~
Who’Re: I’ll just bypass any kind of apology, if that’s okay.
Marcus Welsh: I mean, sure, why should you apologize for stealing my company from me.
~Who’Re looks up at AKB~
Who’Re: This was a bad idea.
~She starts to get up, but AKB grabs her by the shoulders and forces her back down~
AKB: No. You have to tell him. It’s important.
~Who’Re sighs and looks back at Welsh. Marcus decides to keep his mouth shut. This does seem to be important information~
Who’Re: I know who Gregory Poblano is. I know about the owl.
~Marcus’ eyes shift toward AKB. They dart back to Who’Re~
Who’Re: He’s from Latvia. His real name is Janis Jansons.
~Welsh says the name a few times under his breath~
Marcus Welsh: That’s a really stupid name.
~Nobody in the room can argue. It’s pretty obvious why the dude changed it~
Who’Re: As a teenager he fell in with an organization who worshipped an owl goddess by the name of Ragana. According to Latvian legend, Ragana was persecuted as a witch during the height of Christianity. Her soul was transmitted into a number of objects, most notably the statue of an owl. Mr. Poblano obtained that statue and began worshiping it under the pretense that it would grant him special powers.
~Welsh looks over at AKB like “Okay, that’s pretty weird.”~
Who’Re: In 2017, Mr. Poblano was hired by an organization to protect a very important asset that was set to travel from Japan, to the United States. The organization was contracted out by The Eastern European. That asset was OCW’s own, Alice Knight. Mr. Poblano traveled to Japan and was on the flight that night Alice made her way from Japan to Key West.
~A bit disturbing, realizing Poblano’s been around for that long~
Who’Re: He was the one who told Eastern European that her name was ‘Owl is Night’. He did this to honor the owl goddess, Ragana. To make owls a symbol in OCW which, he hoped, would further his enlightenment within the dogma of the religion he’d chosen to worship.
Marcus Welsh: So, where’s he been all this time? Why did we just find out about this guy in 2021?
Who’Re: Because he was the person under the Owlie suit. He dressed up as Owlie to help promote the Owl is Night movement. He carried the statue under the costume. He was there every step of the way, we just didn’t know it.
Marcus Welsh: Wait, is Alice in on this?
Who’Re: She is not. She was just a tool Poblano used to promote the owl goddess Ragana.
~Welsh thinks on this for a moment, leaning back~
Who’Re: It obviously worked. His power grew along with the movement. The more people ‘worshipped’ the Owl is Night movement the more they worshipped Ragana and the more power the owl goddess bestowed into the statue and thus unto Gregory Poblano. His power grew to the point where he was able to open portals and jump around to certain points in time.
~Who’Re pauses. She knows how crazy this all sounds~
Marcus Welsh: Whoa, whoa...we’re going from worshiping owls to being a time traveler?
Who’Re: It sounds crazy but, sir, you’d be shocked at all the things that are possible in this life that you’ve never even considered.
~Had Welsh not seen what he saw in Detroit, he’d be on the phone calling the police to apprehend Who’Re and throw her into a psych ward. Probably due to Syphilis in the brain or some shit. But, instead, his mind has been opened, along with his eyes. He listens~
Who’Re: He made his wealth be seeing into the future. As you can imagine, that type of power offers the ability to acquire the limitless amount of wealth Gregory Poblano has. However, the thing about the future is that it is not frozen. It can be altered. And, so, the decisions we make...including in this very room, can seriously damage the power Poblano has due to his attachment into the future.
~Welsh is like “Wow, this is getting a little confusing.”~
Who’Re: So, say Zybala was supposed to lose last night and never regain ownership in OCW. By stepping in like you did, you may have created a future where Zybala ends up OCW Champion. Something Gregory Poblano is, obviously, against.
Marcus Welsh: Yea, but Zybala still lost.
Who’Re: Yes, but by stepping in like you did...he’s currently the owner, isn’t he?
~Welsh nods~
Who’Re: Poblano’s wealth and his power is tied into OCW. This is where the goddess Ragana has gained her modern power. That’s why he wanted ownership so bad. That’s why he’s constantly trying to bend things certain ways. He needs this place to operate down a certain path so that he can maintain his wealth and stature.
Marcus Welsh: Can’t he just go back to, like 2002, and kill Dean and take over OCW?
Who’Re: From what he told me, he can only go as far back as whatever time it is right now. Not any further. So he can’t return to Access Denied...he can only return to right now. The future, however, is limitless in regards to where he can go. The past is written and it stays that way.
Marcus Welsh: So he got that power, jumped into the future, and made all that money. Then he changed his name and bought OCW so that he could warp the way this place is run to increase his wealth in the future.
AKB: Yep. And, obviously, Zybala is a major problem in regards to his future investments.
Marcus Welsh: Obviously. And now Zybala’s in charge so...yea, he’s gonna return.
AKB: Yep.
~Welsh rubs the sides of his head. It’s a lot to process. His eyes dart back to Who’Re~
Marcus Welsh: And why did he tell you all of this?
Who’Re: Because...he wanted to sleep with me.
~Welsh looks at AKB. Both men are like, “Yea, that checks out.”~
Marcus Welsh: And, did it work?
Who’Re: I’m really not comfortable answering that.
~Marcus is like ‘yea, it totally worked.’ He then opens up his laptop and does a quick google search. He pulls up a photo of the owl goddess Ragana~
~The screen starts to glitch when, suddenly, the lights in his office pop and go out. Who’Re screams. We cut away~
~ The camera switches outside the giant equipment shed to the tent shantytown where production trucks and some of the talent are. The OCWtron is showing the events from the outside as the sound of two motorcycles can be heard. It’s two women with blacked-out AFX FX-88 helmets on, one with raven hair on a blacked Harley Davidson Road King and the other with strawberry blonde hair on a blacked-chromed out Indian Bobber. ~
Smith: Oh Hood, you know who that is?!?
Hood: No, should I?
Smith: Well you called one of them hot as a Fox.
Hood: Oh the one that got puked on in the Zybala Battle Royal?
Smith: Yes, Hood. It’s our TransAtlantic Champion’s mom and aunt! The Cowgirls From Hell are here on Monday Night Massacre.
Hood: Whoopie-doo!
~ It is in fact the Cowgirls From Hell, Meghan and Tamika Strader. They roll up under the Roswell sign and park their motorcycles. Knux and the Knifeman greet them as they get off their motorcycles. Meghan reaches inside her leather jacket pulling out a soft pack of Marlboro Reds and lights one. ~
Knux: Glad you could make it on such short notice, how was the ride?
Tamika Strader: Been a while since we rode across four States. Ass is sorer than it was on my Honeymoon.
~ If Knifey’s mask could blush… ~
Meghan Strader: So what’s with the show being out of a shed?
~ The Knife Man motions with his big knife for CFH to follow them. ~
Knux: Follow us, Mike and Marcus are waiting.
Meghan Strader: Is my daughter here?
~ The Knife Man seems excited and waves his knife around, well, excitedly. Meghan looks at Tamika, eyes wide and asking telepathically “what the hell is up with this guy?” ~
Tamika Strader: He says she’s here.
~ Meghan raises her brow and Tamika shrugs. ~
Tamika Strader: What? He’s waving that knife pretty clearly. Don’t be racist.
~The follow OCW's unique welcome wagon inside the giant temporary structure housing tonight's event. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Interesting that they want to see Welsh AND Zybala.
Hood: They've already lost my faith. Driving across all those states and demanding to see ZYBALA? Horrible judgment.
Smith: Well, he is the owner, Hood.
Hood: DON'T REMIND ME
Smith: We'll see where this goes, no doubt. However, it's time for more in ring action!
Hood: -trembles-
Smith: As Iggy Hardy returns to the ring.
Hood: Whew, was nervous it was gonna be...you-know-who
Smith: You mean you-know-hoot?
Hood: -dies inside-
Smith: To the ring!
Iggy Hardy (0-0) vs. Clubbin Man (0-0)
~The fans brace themselves. They prepare. The air hangs thick STEROID THICK with anticipation on the return...the arrival of IGGY HARDY. But first, Belvedere has some work to do~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
~Some wild ass club music plays as CLUBBIN MAN dances his way through the curtain. He dances down the aisle...he pauses, spotting some people wearing tin foil hats. He motions for them to follow him to the ring. They hop over the guard rail and do as instructed. Clubbin Man and the twelve or so tinfoil hat wearing fans enter the ring and dance around~
Belvedere: From the nearest most happening club in the area...dancing straight into your hearts and souls...he is...Clubbin Man!!!
Smith: Clubbin Man getting these fans involved.
Hood: They’d better be careful. He once scooped a man’s eyeball out with a spoon.
Smith: Do we have to bring that up EVERY time he’s on tv?
Hood: It’s LITERALLY the only thing he’s known for, Smith.
~All is well until...a loud, 80s hair metal voice screams out at the top of their lungs ‘MOTHER FUCKIN INTENSITY!!!!!’ The fans shriek!!! Iggy Hardy bursts through the curtain, sprinting to the ring~
Smith: It’s Iggy Hardy!
Hood: NO SHIT!!
~Belvedere bails. Scruff calls for the bell. Clubbin Man and the tin foil hat group continue to dance, too happy to be aware of what’s heading their way. Iggy leaps onto the apron and flips over the top rope, sticking the two footed landing inside the ring~
Smith: Those fans had better get out of there!
Hood: They’ll never meet an alien more dangerous than Iggy fuckin Hardy.
~Iggy looks around like ‘wtf is this bullshit’ he’s got cocaine residue all over his face. He charges forward and begins clotheslining and shoulder tackling the fuck out of everyone. One by one, each tin foil hat wearing fan is tossed over the top rope and into the crowd. Wilhelm Screams fill the air~
Smith: Well, Iggy’s as strong as ever.
Hood: And our drug testing is as weak as ever.
~Iggy’s disposed of all the dancing tin foil hat wearing weirdos. It’s just him and Clubbin Man. Iggy’s back is to Clubbin Man after nearly killing the final tin foil person. Clubbin Man reaches into his pocket and removes his SPOON OF BLINDNESS~
Smith: Clubbin Man has his spoon!
Hood: He’s gonna try to scoop Iggy’s eye out!
Smith: It’s the spring of 2000 all over again!
~Clubbin Man swoops in with THE SPOON OF BLINDNESS...but Iggy spins around and grabs Clubbin Man’s arm!!! Clubbin Man’s smile turns into a frown...we can’t see his eyes behind his shades, but we’re pretty sure they are bugging out. Iggy YELLS in Clubbin Man’s face, his shades fly off his head and out of the ring...and, yes, his eyes are bugging~
Smith: Iggy’s breath, I’d imagine, does not smell great.
Hood: Depends on the quality of hooker he had before coming out here.
Smith: Gross!
~Iggy tosses a swift kick into Clubbin Man’s dick. He then leaps over, grabs Clubbin Man and takes him down onto his head with Purifier (CANADIAN DESTROYER)!!!! Clubbin Man’s head spikes on the mat...BUT, he holds onto his precious spoon. Iggy makes the cover, shaking his head with each slap of the mat~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...IGGY HARDY!!!!!
Smith: Iggy with a very impressive win as he avoid having his eye ball scooped out of his head tonight here on...oh no
Hood: Well, this is gonna get pretty fuckin wild pretty fuckin quick.
~Iggy leaps to his feet. He reaches for his dick inside his wrestling trunks~
Smith: He’s going to urinate on Clubbin Man!
Hood: IF Clubbin Man is lucky.
Smith: What do you mean IF he is lucky? There’s no greater...oh...oh dear.
Hood: Now you see what I’m saying.
~Realizing this could get them thrown off the air (as if they care that much) Scruff grabs Iggy and points at the nearest, sexiest woman in the crowd. Iggy’s eyes bulge and he yells out ‘YEA LET’S FUCK!’ He springs forward and leaps over the top rope, landing on the ground. He makes his way toward the woman...we cut to Smith and Hood~
Smith: And we’ll just cut to something else.
Hood: Smart.
Smith: Iggy Hardy victorious in his in-ring return. He looks as strong and as wild as ever.
Hood: I'm just glad to see we got rid of our drug testing policy. When Iggy's active you know ANYTHING GOES around here.
Smith: I suppose. Alright fans, well lets cut to a video package for a very special pro wrestling star that’s slated to appear on Massacre next week.
Hood: Special?
Smith: Yes, very special.
Hood: Oh boy. This could go a number of different ways.
~We cut to a video package. A janitor is pushing his yellow mop bucket down a hallway inside an arena. He pauses and turns, spotting two female fans discussing the ongoing event before pushing their way into the female restroom. The creepy janitor looks around. He’s all alone. So, he creeps toward the restroom, leaving his mop bucket behind because he’s a janitor and most janitors are lonely creeps~
Movie Trailer Voice: In a world where creeps and injustice lurk just around the corner. A new force in pro wrestling has emerged to help clean up the filth.
~With the janitor nearing the restroom door, we focus on the mop bucket. The head of the mop submerged inside a bucket filled with milky water. The water begins to tremble. It starts to shake~
Movie Trailer Voice: A force that won’t sit back while treachery looms.
~We get a POV shot from the bucket. Our view hops out of the bucket. The sound of soaked threads slapping against the marble floor give us a pretty good fuckin idea of what’s happening. We slip and slide toward the janitor who is beginning to peek inside the restroom~
Movie Trailer Voice: It’s time for the force to rise up. It’s time for the force to slip and slide its way toward justice.
~The janitor senses something’s coming. He turns around. His eyes widen. He’s about to let out a scream...but, we cut away. Moments later, the females emerge, wiping their washed hands dry. They stop, finding the janitor beaten and unconscious on the ground~
Woman 1: Is that a janitor?
Woman 2: Ew, gross.
Woman 1: Don’t touch him.
~They step over his filthy body~
Woman 2: What a loser.
~They walk past the bucket where the mop resides. As they walk past, the mop’s handle tilts forward. They pause, staring at it. Did that mop just nod at them? Nah, no way. They continue toward the concession stand for popcorn or some shit. Our view lingers on the mop handle, slowly zooming in~
Movie Trailer Voice: Next week, a rising star in professional wrestling makes an appearance at Massacre. Get ready, OCW. Prepare yourselves because next week OCW welcomes...The Mop.
~We cut away~
Smith: Okay.
Hood: You telling me we don’t have any mops back there?
Smith: I think this is a special mop, Hood.
Hood: So there are special mops...okay, then.
Smith: The Mop has made an impact on the pro wrestling scene, fans. And, next Monday, it will be in Las Vegas at Massacre.
Hood: I really don’t know what to say. It’s a mop.
Smith: Fans, we'll see what The Mop has in store for us next week!
~ We return backstage and we find the Cowgirls From Hell sitting with Marcus Welsh but Mike Zybala is nowhere in sight. Marcus is at a desk, hands folded in front of him while CFH sits in front of it. Meghan sits arm-crossed feet on the floor and Tamika has her feet up on the side of the desk, filing her nails. ~
Marcus Welsh: That’s basically the situation we are dealing with here.
~ Meghan, who’s been staring at nothing on the ground, lifts her eyes up to meet his. ~
Meghan Strader: So if we bankroll the rest of the pyramid, make sure staff and wrestlers get paid…
Tamika Strader: You’ll sign us to the dotted line?
~ She asks still filing her nails not looking up. Marcus unfolds his hands holding his palms out with a nod as he leans back in his chair. ~
Marcus Welsh: Yes, with the absence of Poblano's unlimited funding, we're in a bind. From the documents you have shown me, you didn't amass this wealth you have from wrestling…
Meghan Strader: Whoever gets into wrestling to get rich is a fucking idiot. I have interests in Green Energy in Texas and in Canada…
~ GREAT NATION TO THE NORTH. ~
Tamika Strader: Plus she’s the CEO of a hip-hop label. Me? My husband was a gangster.
~ Marcus eyes go wide...she's not talking about THE LOBSTER MOBSTER, is she? He shakes off the notion and decides to pursue the topic no further~
Meghan Strader: And our grandfather and grandmother were oil tycoons as well as having a prominent Texas Wrestling territory in the 80’s and early 90’s.
~ Tamika’s boots smack the floor from coming off the desk, and she leans forward. ~
Tamika Strader: So, it’s a deal then. Just to show we aren’t greedy, you don’t even have to pay us.
Marcus Welsh: Well, you would be paying yourselves…
Tamika Strader: Don’t take away from our generosity.
~ Marcus holds up his hands, palms out to say “never”. ~
Meghan Strader: Since that is settled, I am going to see if I can find Vee.
Marcus Welsh: Shit, Veronica…
Meghan Strader: She’s a smart woman, she’ll understand this business arrangement.
Tamika Strader: She should, she loves this company more than us.
~ Meghan raises her brow and nods in agreement. She stands up and shakes Marcus’ hand, but before she leaves she places her hand on Tamika’s shoulder and bends down to say something in her ear. ~
Meghan Strader: Make sure it’s all on the up and up. I’ll come find you in a bit.
~The new investors and in-ring warriors exit. Welsh reaches for his phone and sends a text. He talks while typing out his message~
Marcus Welsh: Resume construction on The Great Illuminatus.
~He sighs and leans back in his chair~
Next Week Massacre is LIVE
From The Graceland Wedding Chapel
In Las Vegas, Nevada
Who will win a night out in Vegas with Greta Angelou? Tune in NEXT Monday to find out!
It's a Special Valentine's Day Episode of Massacre!
~We cut backstage where LEO is standing by with a local business man. He’s got a big smile on his face and a very honest look about him. Instantly, upon looking at this man you are like, “That is a very nice, honest, simple looking dude. I’d like to have a Budweiser with that guy. I’d let that guy watch my kids...ya know what, I’d let that guy spend time with my wife. I trust him.”
Leo: Hello fans, welcome to a new segment we at OCW like to call “Fan of the Week”! During this segment we’ll introduce one inspirational OCW fan who can tell us his story in the hope that it will inspire other OCW fans to push forward with a positive attitude. This week, we’re here with a resident from Albuquerque who has decided to take a financial plunge that looks to pay huge rewards for him and his family. His name is Bobbie Barnett. Mr. Barnett, thanks for joining us.
Mr. Barnett: You betcha!
Leo: Why don’t you tell us your story?
Mr. Barnett: Gladly! I’m a married man, just a hair over forty. I’ve got three amazing kids and a beautiful wife. So, life ain’t all that bad. However, I was laid off earlier this year when our company got shut down for misogynistic practices. I’m not sure what that word means, I just know it put me in a bad way. So, I took my family’s life savings and, without telling my wife, I invested them all into this new venture.
Leo: And what venture is that?
Mr. Barnett: T-shirts!
~Mr. Barnett pulls his coat open to reveal a t-shirt featuring Alice Knight and the Dravers Brothers...it’s got a very cool 80’s retro theme to it~
Leo: Wow, that’s a cool looking shirt!
Mr. Barnett: Yep, I’ve already had thousands printed and they are going to go on sale tonight after the show ends! I can’t wait to return home with enough money to finally give my wife and kids the life they deserve.
Leo: Amazing. Well, Mr. Barnett...I’ll find you after the show and order a few for myself. This venture sounds like it will in no way backfire and totally get your life on track. Thanks for speaking with us, sir. Enjoy the show!
~Mr. Barnett nods, proudly showing off his shirt~
Smith: I'd go so far as to call those shirts nifty.
Hood: Nifty? Way to go, you just killed the marketability of those shirts.
Smith: Hey, some people like 'nifty'. I think I'm going to buy a few...there is no better grouping than Alice Knight and the Dravers. If I had it my way, they'd team together forever.
Hood: Only way I'd like to see them together in the same place is if it were on a plane with a failing engine.
Smith: Disgusting. I wonder what Alisa would have to say about that?
Hood: The hell you keep bringing her up for? You got a crush on my woman? Well, keep crushing because she's way out of your league, pal.
Smith: Uh-huh. Well fans...it's time for what many consider to be the highlight of the KNIGHT
Hood: Did you just say night with a 'k'?
Smith: I sure did.
Hood: -dry heaves-
Smith: She's back in action, folks! Let's go to the ring!
Alice Knight (0-0) vs. Zeus (0-0)
~We cut back to the ring where Belvedere stands. Some spooky alien music is playing throughout the temporary structure. The pack of aliens in attendance do some kinda weird alien dance. Belvedere has had enough of this galactic tomfoolery, so he clears his throat to quiet everyone down~
Belvedere: The following contest is the HOOT SPECIAL MATCH!!
~The fans begin HOOTING. HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! Even the alien folk are hooting...as if aliens know what owls are...or, maybe they do???~
Belvedere: Introducing first, from Mount Olympus...he is the KING OF THE GODS...he is...ZEUS!
~Zeus appears from the ‘backstage’ area. He’s got his head held high, his arms in the air. The fans are booing and laughing but, if you judged his expression, you’d think he was being greeted with the largest ovation in the history of ovations. He reaches the ring, slips through the ropes and parades around the ring with god-like arrogance~
Smith: Zeus is back. And, well, not much has changed.
Hood: And why should it, Smith? He’s a god.
Smith: Right.
Belvedere: And, his opponent…
~The HOOTING resumes. Louder than ever. Roswell, New Mexico can be heard HOOTING in outer space. Something that would surely attract any extra terrestrial space ship that might be cruising by our celestial orb. And then, it happens...New by No Doubt hits and the fans lose their minds!!! They jump up and down, stomping on the ground and flapping their ‘wings’!! Alice Knight appears from behind the curtain smiling and marching to the ring~
Smith: THERE SHE IS!!!
Hood: Geezus, relax. You act like it’s a shock.
Smith: Every moment Alice is on OCW Television is a special moment.
Hood: It sure is special, alright.
~Alice reaches the ring and walks up the steps...with each step, she flaps her ‘wings’. The fans go wild!! She reaches the ring apron and spins around facing her HOOTERS. That’s what we might start calling her fans. She reaches inside her LACY BRA and pulls out some of her chunky mustard packets. She throws them at the fans...it hits a fan in the head and knocks them out~
Smith: Whoops, looks like that fan got hit with an EXTRA chunky packet of Alice’s mustard.
Hood: This place should be condemned. I think her mustard ranks just above Black Mold in terms of toxicity.
Smith: It does not!
~The friend of the knocked out fan drops to their knees and screams for help. But their screams are drowned out by all the HOOTING. Alice spins around and enters the ring to a HUGE ovation. She does the ‘Alice Knight’ strut...which is basically the Flair strut with lots of wing flappin. The fans are frenzied~
Smith: What a moment!
Hood: Meanwhile that one fan is dead and their friend is screaming for help and NOBODY CARES
Smith: Oh, they’ll be fine.
Hood: Geezus
~Alice walks by Belvedere and does a few mini wing flaps, tossing a wink his way. The always stoic Belvedere is like “Oh, alright” and he does a wing flap of his own. THE PLACE GOES WILD~
Smith: Ahaha!
Hood: I wanna die.
~Alice winds up in the center of the ring, flapping her wings. Finally, Belvedere has to get to business. So, he speaks, calming the fans down~
Belvedere: From Bethel, New York...standing 5’8 and weighing in at 125lbs...she is a former OCW Champion...she is in the OCW Hall of Fame...she is ALICE KNIGHT!!!
~The fans HOOT! They chant “ALICE!” A few of the lonely looking New Mexicans in the crowd voice their love for Alice, throwing flowers at the ring...but the flowers hit the ropes and fall outside, breaking apart. Alice never notices the gestures of the hopeful suitors. She’s too busy SOAKING IT IN. She finally turns around and sees Zeus. Zeus glares at her...he does not appreciate the disparity in ovations~
Smith: Zeus doesn’t look happy. Even someone as delusional as the tiny god man knows Alice is WAY more popular.
Hood: That or he got a whiff of that mustard and it put him in a foul mood. FOUL. Not Fowl.
Smith: Appreciate the clarification.
Hood: I don’t want anybody thinking I’m contributing to the lunacy that is THE ALICE KNIGHT HYPE.
~Alice motions for Zeus to meet her in the center of the ring. But he’s not budging.~
Belvedere: I’ve been informed that in order for THE HOOT SPECIAL match to start. Both wrestlers must let out their best HOOT.
Smith: Oh this should be fun!
Hood: -stares angrily-
~Zeus is like “I’M NOT DOING THIS. NO WAY.” Alice frowns and puts her hands on her hips. The fans boo. Scruff informs Zeus he’ll be DQ’d if he doesn’t. Zeus continues to shake his head ‘no’. Alice asks, “Why Not?” and Zeus yells quickly, without thinking, “BECAUSE IT’S FOR THE BIRDS!!!” The crowd explodes with laughter, including Alice, who doubles over, holding her stomach~
Smith: Haha! Oh, Zeus!
Hood: If that tiny man has any godlike power...I think we may be about to see it. STRIKE HER DOWN, ZEUS.
Smith: Hood rooting for Zeus. Never thought I’d see the day.
Hood: I’d pull for Jimmy Fallon if he faced Alice Knight and I really, really, really hate Jimmy Fallon.
~Zeus is filled with fury over the fans laughing at him. He yells “SHUT UP!” But, this only makes things worse. He sees Alice giggling and points her way, “FUCK YOU!” he screams, charging at OCW’s most treasured in-ring competitor. Alice immediately shifts into wrestler mode...she tosses her foot out, kicking Zeus in the gut. She then swiftly drops him on his head in the center of the ring with THE APACHE!!!! The crowd goes wild!! Alice flips him over and makes the cover...Scruff slides in with the count~
1!
2!
3!!!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...ALICE KNIGHT!!!!!
Smith: What a win! She’s back!
Hood: Terrific. Wonderful. GREAT
Smith: Alice Knight is confirmed to compete inside THE GREAT ILLUMINATUS...wouldn’t that just be amazing if she walked out of Carpe Noctem with the OCW Title?
~No reply~
Smith: Hood?
~Hood is caught on camera taking a kid’s tiny Owlie doll and ripping the head off~
Smith: Oh dear, let’s cut backstage!
~We cut backstage where we see Alice Knight walking down a hallway putting her hair in a pony tail as the crowd erupts with HOOTS. She is holding her knee pads from her match with Zeus earlier and heads to the changing room. She gets a smile on her face when she sees the Dravers twins standing by the men's locker room. They are not smiling. Alice approaches them.~
Alice: Hey it's my boys! What's up????
~Nathan and Jonathan rub their faces hardly paying attention to Alice~
Alice: Can you believe that jerk Gideon Cross, guy? Talk about a phoney baloney ass-head, huh? And guys, it sucks about what happened at Access Denied. I really thought you guys had it! Those belts were yours!
~The Dravers look at each other, still not responding to Alice. She looks at them confused.~
Alice: You guys... like... you know... cool? Everything alright?
~Silence~
Alice: Oh my God. Either my Dravers boys are gone deaf or... I am speaking some weird foreign language??? Let me try speaking French... Bonjour! Le bibliotheque! Merci! Pomme de tere...
~She laughs and nudges the elbows of the quiet Dravers'. Alice frowns~
Alice: I'm... just joking. Um, if you guys want to chat later, I'll be changing. Maybe we can get a meal or something? If not... you boys take care.
~Alice goes to tap them on the shoulders and back but decides not to and proceeds to walk away with a concerned look on her face. Jonathan and Nathan stare at one another~
Nathan: Alice!
Jonathan: Wait!
~Alice turns around with a hopeful smile on her face. The twins smile and then **SMACK** They lay Alice Knight out with the 'Seeing Double' double superkick and then walk off in complete silence as we head back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: NOOOOOO!!!
Hood:
Smith: How can you applaud that?
Hood: Easy. Like this. -clap, clap, clap, CLAPCLAPCLAP-
Smith: Not my Dravers. Not MY ALICE
Hood: Dravers are growing up. Fuck yea. Way to go, boys! Hood's got your back now!
Smith: I can't help but feel they've sold their souls.
Hood: Hey, sometimes you gotta pay a hefty price for salvation.
Smith: My poor Alice. I just hope she's okay.
Hood: And I hope she's dead. But since there's no justice in the world she'll probably be back hooting and whatever the fuck in Vegas next week.
Smith: One can only hope.
~"Dream Weaver" hits the speakers and the fans go nuts as a well dressed Mike Zybala walks out from behind the curtain. He has the Outsiders title over his shoulder, striding purposely to the ring~
Smith: It seems that the owner is going to clear up the confusion over The Outsiders world title.
Hood: Man, fuck that guy!
Smith: Hood!
Hood: No, seriously. Fuck him. Giving everyone raises except for me and ZyBALDa.
~Zybala gets in the ring and calls for a microphone, which he gets. The music stops and everyone is eagerly waiting~
Zybala: After the retirement of Peter Vaughn, I have thought long and hard about what to do with this vacant Outsiders title. After much deliberation, an online poll, and getting advice from Marcus Welsh, I have come up with a very decisive decision. If I could be joined out here by Lord Allton, please?
~When You’re Evil hits the speakers and the crowd cheers! (It’s only the Equality Faithful that are currently divided). Vincenzo Larossia and Tank step through the curtain first before Lord Allton wheels through. The crowd chants for Lord Allton and he is all smiles, slapping and shaking hands along the way. Upon reaching the ring, Tank and Vincenzo help him in and Vincenzo then provides the Boss with a microphone. Allton happily shakes Zybala’s hand~
Allton: Thank-you OCW Faithful for such a warm welcome! You’ve got me, Mike.
~Allton smiles~
Zybala: Allton… Rob…. You have been a cornerstone of Outsiders. A fighting champion. Someone who has been the number one contender for what seems to be forever. I feel like it's time for a change. So it is with great pleasure for me to introduce all of you to your NEW Outsiders World Champion….. WHISPER MENDOZA!
~Zybala points at the curtain as Lord Allton looks towards the curtain in confusion and then looks at Zybala in even more confusion~
Smith: I'm not sure Whisper is conscious right now.
Hood: Normally I'd say handing your top title over to a wrestler who just got her ass handed to her on television is the final nail in the promotional coffin...but this is Outsiders we're talking about. They could give the title to ZEUS and it wouldn't matter.
Allton: Uh Mike….. What gives? Look I love Whisper as much as the next guy, she’s a phenomenal talent…and even on Equality she’s one of my favourites to book. But… I am owed a title match. Am I ever going to get what I’m due?
~Zybala holds his arm up a little bit longer, but eventually breaks down laughing. Everyone stares at him confused as he continues to laugh. Zybala then puts the world title over the shoulder of Lord Allton. Allton looks even more confused~
Zybala: Oh, man you should have seen your face! I had you totally convinced. I like Whisper enough too, but she hasn't even put in the time and effort that you have in Outsiders. Of course you were going to be my first choice. So if everybody could please help me as I introduce your new Outsiders Championship Wrestling World Champion; LORD ALLTON!!
~Zybala starts clapping and the audience follows suit. The cheers get louder as the confusion slowly leaves Allton's face. The emotion of the moment overcomes Allton as everyone in the ring and arena cheer even more. He takes the belt from his shoulder and stares down at it with a smile on his face and maybe a few tears in his eyes. He then moves over to Zybala and playfully punches him in the arm~
Allton: You sir…. Are a goddamn supervillain. Thank-you.
~Allton then raises the height of his wheelchair up so that he is staring eye to eye with Zybala. The two men manly hug just as Watch Me Shine by Fozzy blasts from the speakers! The crowd cheers immensely as Dylan and Lissandra emerge on stage to applaud as well. Allton raises his arm in the air in thanks as he brings the microphone to his lips~
Allton: It’s been a long time coming, me holding this title. From the days when I was a complete and utter asshole when I was supposed to face Uber-Man for the title… until now when, well, I’m still a bit of an asshole but I like to think I’m now a loveable one?
~Allton smiles and everyone laughs~
Allton: No… but seriously. Thank-you everyone and especially every one of the Faithful watching. I said that it was my mission to bring a little bit of class to Outsiders - a little bit of order to the chaos. Wrestling to the brawls. I said that when I became World Champion I would use my clout as a World Champion to make things better for Outsiders. That goes for my boys here in the ring, the guys and girls in the back and YOU, the OCW Yardies.
~As Allton talks Dylan and Lissandra make their way into the ring and Lissandra hugs Allton~
Allton: Thank-you dear. The Era of Allton is upon us all. So…..let’s party shall we?
~Zybala looks up at the ceiling and snaps his fingers. Balloons and streamers start to fall as "Celebrate" plays over the speakers. The group are enjoying the moment as we cut away~
~We cut backstage where FAN OF THE WEEK Mr. Barnett has all his t-shirts out and ready for sale. A fan walks by, looks at them and laughs. Another fan, traumatized, sees the shirts and runs away screaming. Mr. Barnett is totally confused. Cap Slock approaches~
Mr. Barnett: Oh, sir, Mr. Slock! Is something wrong? These shirts aren’t selling and people seem to be having a strong reaction when they see them.
Cap Slock: YES MR. BARNETT I’M AFRAID I’M GONNA HAVE TO CONFISCATE AND DESTROY THESE SHIRTS AND ORDER YOU TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
Mr. Barnett: Wha...why?
Cap Slock: THE DRAVERS JUST TURNED ON ALICE AND EVERYONE IS UPSET. THESE SHIRTS ARE TRIGGERING THE FANS, TRAUMATIZING THEM.
~Mr. Barnett’s heart sinks. His eyes flood with tears. His bottom lip trembles. His head lowers. He tries to speak, but the words just aren’t there~
Cap Slock: I’M VERY SORRY, SIR. HERE, TAKE THIS AS A SHOW OF OUR SYMPATHY OVER YOUR PLIGHT.
~Cap Slock hands Mr. Barnett a $15 Applebees card. Mr. Barnett stares at it...his shoulders slump, he turns and he walks away~
OCW Presents: Carpe Noctem!
LIVE! Sunday, February 27th!
From The Great Illuminatus
~Newly minted KING OF IROQUOIS FALLS, BOB GRENIER sits in the back lacing his boots awaiting the inevitable thrashing of the poor detective, Jack Puffer. A massive six paper joint hangs from his lips as he works the laces on his boots. His pre-match habit is jarred when a familiar foe enters the room. #1 CONTENDER, CHAD VARGAS with his butler Clarence in tow. Grenier and Vargas. Two goliaths have a storied rivalry within the history of OCW. Quite possibly, one of the bitterest feuds in OCW history. Though there is a sense of hatred amongst the two, there is mutual respect between them. They shake hands like old pals. Two old school blue collar workers that know how to GET OVER with the people~
Vargas: Bob? What the fuck? What on earth are you doing? You’re a god damned man. A winner. A man of privilege. You don’t do that anymore!
~Vargas motions to Clarence, flicking his hand in the air. Clarence sighs but nods in service. Clarence gives Bob a nod as he eases down and starts to tie up Bob’s boots. Bob doesn’t know what to think, slowly moving his hands off his laces. Vargas takes a seat next to Grenier~
Vargas: Congrats.
Grenier: Same to you.
Vargas: You broke that teenie bopper Millennial cake boy in half.
~Bob laughs as he takes a hit from his joint as he watches Clarence finish off his boots~
Grenier: Can he have a puff?
Vargas: What do I look like his pop?
~Grenier shrugs, passing the joint down to Clarence. Clarence nods as he puts the magnum joint into his lips and takes a heater of a drag. Bob’s eyes widen. Clarence hits it again before handing the joint back to Bob. Fucking Bogart~
Grenier: So what you doing here?
Vargas: Looking to start a movement. A LIVELIHOOD if you will. I need a solid foundation. Figured why not reach out to my old pal Bob. For old times sake, if nothing else.
Bob: As far as I'm concerned, this entire company has gone fucking soft. Classic OCW, Baby! That shit is a bloated corpse. I'm tired of Cancel Culture. I'm tired of having to watch my mouth and mind my manners. I'm sick of Gideon Cross bitching and moaning like an entitled jackass. TIO can get on his knees and suck every inch of my 10 inch dick. This is my comeback. Recovering drug addict? He's infringing on my act. Except this ain't a game and Bishop wouldn't know a piece of crack from a Flintstone vitamin!
~Clarence finishes lacing Grenier's boots. Nighthawk snaps his fingers and Clarence stands up and faces him~
Vargas: Fetch the robes!
~Clarence hurries off and returns a moment later with two all bright white silky diamond flakes, Ric Flairesque robes without the bedazzlement of Flair’s. Complete with headdress and an insignia of the grim reaper with a scythe over his shoulder on the chest. Underneath the dreaded SOUTHERN reaper of SOULS reads “BLURRED BY OCW STAFF”. Bob cracks a smile and looks Vargas in the eyes. They put the robes on as Treat Cassidy walks into the locker room. He stops dead in his tracks and does not look impressed with the imagery~
Treat: No, no, NO! You guys can absolutely NOT wear those. Ohhh my goodness! I've always supported my clients in every decision they make but this seems… much!
~Vargas and Grenier stare up at Treat with cold eyes~
Vargas: Listen here, When we need a contract looked over, A statement sent out on our behalf, We'll ask your opinion! You’ve been with me along time, Treat - but we don’t exactly see eye to eye on the the way livin’ is done, hoss.
Grenier: Yeah, This has nothing to do with you, Treat.
~Treat Cassidy walks away in disbelief~
Vargas: Fuckin’ liberal.
~Grenier and Vargas laugh as they exchange a fist bump. Grenier is looking over his new outfit as Clarence stands nearby working on finishing up Bob’s six paper joint on his own waiting for his next chore~
Smith: I was half expecting him to call Treat a libtard…
Hood: C’mon, Vargas is alot of things, but he’s definitely NOT the guy to say the word “libtard”.
Smith: Say what you will about these assholes but…
Hood: Legends you mean?
Smith: No.. I mean assholes, like I said… BUT, these are two former tag team champions that look like they might be having a meeting of the minds to get something going.
Hood: I pity the tag team division.
Smith: Grenier and Vargas lost the tag titles at Block Party, but they are a great nearly unbeatable team.
Hood: Block Party. That WAS a party. I still remember that dime waitress from the IHOP down the street from the arena! WOW!
Smith: ANYWAY… Who knows though! We will soon find out what happens to Grenier during the inaugural pyramid scheme match!
Hood: Truth. He OR Vargas could walk out of that Pyramid the OCW Champion.
Smith: Indeed...and, speaking of walking out...Grenier is about to walk out in tonight's main event! It's time for the OCW Hall of Famer to return to Massacre competition! To the ring!
Bob Grenier (2-0) vs. Jack Puffer (0-0)
~Jack Puffer is standing in the ring. The Good Detective got no entrance tonight...damn, first night back and already zero entrance. It’s gonna be a rough 2022 for Mr. Puffer. Oh well, he’s in good spirits ever since solving the mystery of THE MURDER CRUISE. He leans against the ropes, staying warm...he looks in great shape~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen...it is now time for our Main Event of the evening!! This match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first...he’s from a place and he’s sorta tall and not very fat but kinda muscular...fans, he’s JACK PUFFER
Smith: Jack Puffer without the full scale entrance tonight.
Hood: Like it matters. We all know what his JOB around here is.
Smith: But, Zeus got one.
Hood: Yea because of the bullshit propaganda this company pushes with Alice Knight.
Smith: Wouldn’t it be great if she came out here and…
Hood: No! Whatever you were about to suggest...IT WOULD NOT BE GREAT. I’ll tell you what was great...watching The Dravers put her down!
Smith: -whimpers-
Belvedere: And, his opponent…
~Where The Hood At by DMX hits! The fans all yell and sing WHERE THE HOOD AT! The people dressed as aliens yell back IN SPACE, BITCH! Bob Grenier emerges from behind the curtain with a few fading battle scars from Access Denied. He heads for the ring, his face covered with fleshy stories of previous battles. Reaching the ring, he hops on the apron and turns around, eyeing the fans. The aliens at ringside spin around and wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care. Bob just kinda looks at them like, “Okay”. He then turns and steps through the ropes, entering the sacred OCW squared circle~
Belvedere: From Timmins, Ontario, Canada...standing 6’2 and weighing in at 222lbs...he is a former OCW Champion...he’s in the OCW Hall of Fame...he is...Bob Grenier!!!
Smith: Bob Grenier back in action just a week after Gideon Cross put him to THE TEST
Hood: You mean after the great SCREWJOB in Canada? Gideon Cross is the real winner, in my eyes.
Smith: The same eyes that can’t figure out who EL KNUCKLE is?
Hood: Quit acting like you’ve solved the greatest mystery in pro wrestling history. El Knuckle is a very mysterious character but I will get to the bottom of it.
~Belvedere exits. The bell sounds. Puffer heads for Grenier. Bob is as relaxed as ever...the confidence within this man is unshakable. Puffer extends a hand. Bob looks down at it and returns the favor. The fans pop~
Smith: Bob may be dangerous and a bit of a jerk but he’s got respect for OCW’s most famous detective.
Hood: That or he blew his nose backstage and needed to wipe off his hand.
Smith: Eww
~Puffer dives in, locking arms with Bob Grenier. We hear a loud ‘LOPAKA!’ from the New Mexican faithful. Bob tilts his head to find his HAWAIIAN FAN in attendance. This dude is loyal. Puffer lifts a knee into Bob’s gut, taking advantage of the momentary distraction. He whips Bob into the ropes. Bob bounces off...Puffer throws the CLOTHESLINE OF DETECTION...but Bob ducks. Jack spins around, Grenier leaps onto the middle rope and springboards off with a reverse cross body!! He takes Puffer down! The fans go wild~
Smith: Great agility once again by Bob Grenier. Sobriety has been kind, obviously.
Hood: Yea, I mean the days of one night stands are likely over but yay sobriety.
Smith: Hood! That’s an awful way to look at it.
~Grenier pops back to his feet. He still looks a little blitzed from his pre-match indulgence. He snares Puffer by the hair and pulls The Good Detective to his feet. He yells out, “THIS ONE’S FOR THE KNOXVILLE…” and the OCW production team bleeps out the rest. Bob hoists Puffer onto his shoulders and he drops him with the Finisher of the Month...Hollinger Park Hangman!!! Puffer’s down. Grenier makes the cover~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...BOB GRENIER!!!!!
Smith: These fans are cheering...but I doubt they’ll be fans of Bob and Chad for long.
Hood: It’s easy to cheer greatness, Smith. Bob’s undefeated since his return and he looks like the 2015 version that walked out OCW Champion.
Smith: He’s got his sights set on The Great Illuminatus on February 27th and, if I were Outcast, I’d have my sights set on Grenier.
Hood: An early favorite, for sure.
Smith: Well fans, it’s been a wild and borderline insane return to Monday nights for OCW. WE hope you all enjoyed tonight’s episode.
Hood: Not gonna lie...it was rocking pretty hard until the Dravers kicked Alice…
Smith: And then it kinda ruined it for you?
Hood: Nope, after that this show ROCKED EVEN HARDER
Smith: Well fans, we’re just about out of time so for Hood, I’m Smith saying so long...we’ll see you all next week from The Graceland Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada where one lucky wrestler will win a night in Vegas with Greta Angelou.
Hood: The fuck?
Smith: It’s a special Valentine’s Day episode, Hood.
Hood: Ah shit, that means I’ve got to get Alisa something. I forgot how much being in a relationship blows.
Smith: Maybe you should get her a pet bird.
Hood: The fuck?
Smith: Just a suggestion. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE
~We cut out to the middle of a field in Roswell. All alone, Mr. Barnett sobs, staring at a picture of his family. His t-shirt business killed with one act of treachery from the previously pristine Dravers. Staring at the photo of all he has left in this world, Mr. Barnett places the barrel of a gun into his mouth, tears streaming down his face~
Mr. Barnett: Goodbye
~A light shines upon him. He looks up...shocked. A green hand reaches out and pulls the gun from his mouth. He extends a friendly palm. Mr. Barnett accepts it...he’s pulled to his feet. We catch a glimpse of this green figure offering friendship to Mr. Barnett. It’s...MFER!!!~
Mr. Barnett: Who...who are you?
MFER: Me Follow. You. Come now.
~Mr. Barnett follows MFER into the light. They are consumed by light. The light disappears and there's nothing left to be seen. We fade out~