OCW Presents: Access Denied
LIVE! From the Mean Streets of Detroit
Sunday, January 30th 2022!
~We cold open to the OCW Studio. Cheasy M sits behind his usual desk. He rubs the top intimately but not seductively. He’s not THAT into fake wood. He looks up and smiles~
Cheasy M: Oh, hey there! Cheasy M reporting LIVE from Key West. Yes, they didn’t take me with them.
~Sad Cheasy noises`
Cheasy M: But that’s okay because I’m back here in the OCW Studio ready to report any and every bit of breaking news...and boy do I have some news to break.
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: February 27th OCW heads to Death Valley where it will host a tournament INSIDE a giant pyramid. Wrestlers from all over...on the roster, and outside the roster, have submitted their names for entry. Past, present, AND future...and I’m here to report one of the biggest names in the industry who has decided to take part.
Cheasy M: That’s right, Bobby Bourbon, one half of Them No Good Bastards...the former OCW Tag Team Champions, will be competing inside the Great Illuminatus at Carpe Noctem on February 27th for a shot to win the OCW Title!
~Cheasy shakes his head like ‘wow, huge news’~
Cheasy M: Stay tuned, folks as I’ll be breaking in from time to time with MORE breaking news. But now, it’s time for what you’ve all been waiting for. Now, it’s time for...Access Denied!
Screams echo throughout camp efed lake. Campers hide underneath their bunks. They cower in fear. A blood moon shines ominous light down upon them all.
Counselors do their best to maintain the situation. But, sadly, they are about as inept as the campers themselves.
Frightened. Petrified. Scared into submission, the counselors lose sense of all protocol and make a mad dash into the woods, hoping to survive the terror.
A camper flies through the window of a cabin, landing on the rock-hard dirt where they remain...still and lifeless. The front door is kicked open and OCW emerges, bloody scythe in hand. Chest heaving and arms flexed, OCW turns its head and heads for the next cabin, eager to purge more from existence.
“There was a time when OCW adored this camp. When OCW enjoyed living amongst the campers and counselors. That time, however, has passed.”
OCW kicks the door open to find a bunch of campers and a few counselors huddled in a corner. They shriek as the mighty, bloody scythe goes back to work.
“Not only was OCW happy to be part of camp efed lake. OCW was the leader of camp efed lake. It was the counselor all other counselors looked toward for guidance. It was the counselor all other campers flocked to for event participation. OCW was the alpha. OCW as the mecca. OCW was efed leviathan.”
A gimpy counselor stumbles out of the cabin with a knife in hand. OCW bursts through the door, shattering it. The counselor tosses the knife at OCW...it cuts deep into OCW’s shoulder. OCW does not flinch, it yanks the knife out and slings it back at the counselor, hitting them in the knee, taking them down. OCW finishes them off with its scythe. OCW turns it’s focus to another cabin...called the fight cabin. With the door kicked in, OCW witnesses a massive orgy between a bunch of ugly people pretending to be pretty people. The grip on OCW’s scythe has never been tighter...he goes to work.
“Sickened by what had become of the very world he helped create, OCW had only one option – purge. Vanquish any and every connection with the abhorrent outside world that would seek to corrupt and dilute the essence of OCW.”
The slaughter tears deep into the night. The screams of counselors and campers fall upon deaf ears. OCW has its way. An unexpected shift in demeanor catching everyone off guard. The landscape is christened with the blood of the self-perceived innocent. The ground is blessed with the necessary sacrifice to maintain integrity, sanctity.
“Once word broke out, the efed authorities, dressed in all white, galloped in atop their mighty steeds. Which, in actuality, were gray mules. But imaginations can run wild. Shots were fired, OCW stood its ground until eventually, it was forced onto a pier before tumbling into the ocean, disappearing forever. What was left of the community rejoiced.”
The surviving campers and counselors dance around a campside fire. They begin to have sex with each other. The White Knights watch on, trying not to let their insecurities show...hurt that they weren’t invited to take part in the wild and arbitrary sex. All is well.
“OCW is gone! It is dead! PRAISE BE! We have joined forces to eradicate our beloved camp efed lake of OCW’s existence. Together, with the full force of tolerance and acceptance, we have shunned this misogynistic company from existence. Their malevolent presence will no longer attempt to dampen our appetite for unnecessary sex and implausible murder. We have done it! WE RULE”
Settling in, ready to turn camp efed lake into Caligula's backyard, a head counselor gets on a boat, heading out into the middle of the lake. He stands, prepared to bless the waters. Pulling down his sweat pants, he starts to crank his tiny penis. The other campers and counselors cheer him on, very excited over this extremely original and creative act. And, just as he’s about to erupt with bliss...a beast emerges from the depths of the lake. The counselors and campers shriek. OCW grabs the idiot and slits his throat, tossing him back into the water. It climbs into the boat and points at the people ashore, with its mighty scythe. They all scatter and run. The realization hits.
“OCW is not dead. OCW cannot be killed by external forces. OCW dies when it says it dies. And, unfortunately for idiots and deviants alike, that ain’t happening any time soon.”
They fled. Abandoning the camp. Just as OCW had hoped they would. Within time and with the help of some allies, OCW rebuilt the camp. A stronger, sturdier site. And, they waited. Who would come? Who would enlist in the revamped camp?
“Only those truly worthy of competing in OCW would dare step foot back into this camp. Those with the pride. Those with the strength. Those with the mental independence to understand what is necessary versus what is arbitrary. And soon, those people would arrive.”
Veronica Strader. Erin Gordon. Gideon Cross. PerZag. The Danger Boiz. The Dravers. Chad Vargas. And so it went...and so it fucking went. What started as a strong, solid eight quickly grew to over twenty. A roster of proud and strong individuals. A roster of talent instead of masqueraders.
“Addition by subtraction. OCW did what was necessary. Now, it focuses on the future. A light that’s never been brighter. Now, OCW can refocus on doing what it does best...outshining, by a wide margin, every other promotion in this industry.”
You thought OCW was dead? Sorry. We’re not dead. We’re just getting started.
~We cut to the MEAN STREETS OF DETROIT! Several portions of a dilapidated, abandoned downtown area are sectioned off for the event. It’s clear OCW paid some good money to lease out forgotten portions of a once-thriving metropolis. It’s frigid. The cold atmosphere is stifling. The entire scene is about as monochrome as it can get...black, white, various tints of gray. Clouds block the sun. Warmth denied access (HOW FITTING). Fans line the frozen streets, bundled up, huddled together...bonded by their desire to see some OCW action. At a four-corner intersection, an OCW ring sets underneath a nonfunctioning stoplight. Belvedere is in the middle...fans littered all around the sectioned-off area chant ‘OCW’! The only barricades blocking them off are the ones surrounding the ring. We get random shots of abandoned buildings...jagged rooftops...all sorts of dangerous, neglected structures that could play a role in tonight’s event~
Smith: Hello everyone and welcome to Access Denied! I’m your host Smith and alongside me, as always, is Hood.
Hood: IT’S FUCKING COLD
Smith: Yes, we are outside in the harsh, winter Detroit weather for this event. OCW thought it best to place us on the 13th floor of this abandoned building with a bird’s eye view of the ring.
Hood: It smells like black mold in here.
Smith: I’m not sure black mold has a smell, Hood.
Hood: Well, I smell it. IT’S HERE.
Smith: As always, another unique setting under less than desirable conditions but that’s what OCW is all about.
Hood: And, look, there’s a fuckin cat over there, in the corner of this room.
Smith: Uhh
Hood: What?
Smith: I don’t think that’s a cat, Hood.
Hood: Huh? Well then what is it...it’s...no way.
Smith: Mhm
Hood: You’re saying that’s a RAT?
Smith: Fraid so.
Hood: That thing is fuckin huge...GET ME OUT OF HERE
Smith: We’re going to get The Knife Man up here to hopefully do a quick infestation check...so, while that gets sorted, let’s send it down to Belvedere! It’s Access Denied, folks...a night that’s going to set the tone for what should be a tremendous 2022!
~As we cut down to Belvedere we see armored vehicles driving down the empty, blocked off streets...making this entire thing feel like a very cold, barren warzone. We hit the ring where Belvedere’s rosy red cheeks smile. Finally, he gets to speak and then find some warmth~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen...welcome to Access Denied!!!
~The fans go wild!!! However, a bit of cognitive dissonance takes place as they go crazy for the name all the while realizing that they were granted access to this event. Belvedere sees the mental hiccups among the OCW faithful and he works to rectify the situation~
Belvedere: Congratulations to everyone in attendance as you were all carefully selected and chosen to attend this event. The access you were granted is of a very high level and unimpeachable status.
~The fans go wild! A wealthy dressed man turns and eyes a very homeless looking person, wondering how they could possibly be considered in the same ‘classification’...but he shrugs and cheers anyway because these are humans and they love being told they are special~
Belvedere: Terrific...now cease with the cheering and let’s pay our respects to the one true promotion that stands above the rest. Let’s honor the great and almighty OCW.
~Red and black OCW flags drop down the sides of buildings, draping them in the traditional OCW colors. The words of commitment, loyalty, and appreciation for OCW are said, in unison, by the formerly raucous, blood thirsty crowd. These people got super respectful super fast. While they pledge their unending loyalty to OCW...we cut backstage where Marcus Welsh is eyeing a very new shiny Savage Championship~
Marcus Welsh: You hear that, Leo? That’s the sound of loyalty. That’s the sound of a community banded together for one cause. And that cause is this promotion.
Leo: Yessir.
~There is a pause~
Leo: I see you finally got the Savage Title back.
Marcus Welsh: I did.
~Welsh says, his voice a bit shaky~
Leo: It looks really shiny.
~Welsh yanks it out of Leo’s view~
Marcus Welsh: That’s because Supreme Machine kept really good care of it. He may be a beast, but he’s no monster. The man does not live in filth.
Leo: It looks good as new. I’m surprised Supreme Machine just handed it over.
~Welsh looks down on Leo, squinting his eyes. Leo looks up at Welsh, squinting his eyes. We have a squint off~
Marcus Welsh: Well, he did. Turns out he’s a very reasonable man.
Leo: Hm. Well, okay then. Glad to have it back.
~Leo exits. Welsh grabs a piece of cloth the belt came in and he slides it back in there, hiding it’s super shiny and brand new aesthetics. He finds a price tag hanging from the bag...he swiftly and furtively rips it away. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: And we’re back! Now that we’ve all been indoctrinated in the pure aura that is OCW.
Hood: Yes...when I’d go to church as a kid we’d eat bread and drink some wine.
Smith: Oh, so you were Catholic?
Hood: Nah man, I was just looking to score some free booze.
Smith: Well, I’m pretty sure that means you’re going to Hell.
Hood: Sweet. I hear the party down there is fuckin wild. Anyway...we’d used to sneak in there and get some bread and wine. But I’d say what OCW offers is way better.
Smith: Big fan of the whiskey and bold chex mix we were just served?
Hood: Yep. Classic OCW, baby.
Smith: Right. Anyway, now that that’s all over with...let’s focus on the actual event! Yes, we are in Detroit. Yes, it’s cold. And, yes, there may be black mold surrounding us in this announcer’s booth.
Hood: Why you hatin on BLACK mold, Smith? Sounds kinda racist to me.
Smith: Because it’s been proven as the deadliest mold.
Hood: You are racist as fuck right now.
Smith: I refuse to drag this line of conversation any further.
Hood: DRAG? Listen to yourself right now.
Smith: STOP IT. Geesh...anyway, OCW has chosen Detroit as the place to kickoff it’s 2022 campaign.
Hood: It’s a test, Smith.
Smith: Okay.
Hood: We’re in the shittiest city in the US. It’s super fuckin cold. We’re outside. It’s gray. It’s dark. It’s depressing. And, it’s gonna get violent. This is a test to see who has the will power and the mother fuckin guts to survive in OCW.
Smith: That very well may be the case. And, if you’re gonna put the roster to the test...January is the best month. Let’s find out right here, tonight who we can count on and who needs to run away to a more friendly promotion befitting of their ‘talents’.
Hood: Aka get your pussy ass outta here and go join a fed that will hug and tug you while you cry yourself to sleep.
Smith: Sure, something like that...fans...we’ve got four championship matches...we’ve got a match with ownership on the line...we’ve got two contenders matches and we’ve got a match taking place in Canada on the Grenier Family Farm!
Hood: And, as if that weren’t ridiculous enough, Welsh lost his fuckin mind and gave OUTSIDERS a match on this show.
Smith: Excellent timing Hood because, guess what...it’s Battle Royal Time! Folks, we’re gonna kick things off with unpredictability and the opportunity to become more than a wannabe. It’s time for dreamers to wake up and indulge in a bit of reality. Eight wrestlers are set to step inside an OCW ring for a shot at competing on the main card in February. Who will emerge as a potential star? We’re about to find out!
Hood: That’s way too much hype for this shit.
Smith: Mike Zybala’s Outsider’s Battle Royal is on deck and it’s here to kick off Access Denied!!
~We cut to the OCW ring. It looks super unforgiving in these frigid conditions. The fans lining the barricades stand very close together. Smoke rises and falls with the thousands of lungs struggling to stay warm. Belvedere remains in the ring~
Zybala: Welcome to Access Denied, boys and girls! We're opening the show up with The Outsiders Battle Royal, you got us for the first match. I'm Mike Zybala…
Dean: And I'm Dean, suckas! Coming to you remotely from Emilio’s Backyard in Key West because there’s no way they’d fly me out to Detroit! Apparently Welsh wanted to start the show with his main event so here we are! We got a lot of names who signed up for this match, with the winner going on to the next pay-per-view as a member of the "main" roster.
Zybala: Yes, I too am at Emilio’s backyard coming to you via remote access or what have you. Because I am facing BRIM later tonight. But I am very excited to talk about OUTSIDERS
Dean: Outsiders is all about the action, baby! So take it away, Belvedere!
Belvedere: The following match is A Star Is Born Battle Royal! The rules were originally going to be everyone starting at the same time, but Zybala wants to milk as much time as he can. So two people will enter and will be joined by other wrestlers at random intervals because this is contested under Outsiders rules. You are eliminated when you get tossed over the top rope and both feet touch the ground. The last person left will get a spot on the next Online Championship Wrestling pay-per-view!!
~ Belvedere then exits the ring and sits at his ringside spot. The big screen lights up with a giant number ten. We start the countdown. Yes, we're gonna do a count down right off the bat. Whateva, we do what we want at Outsiders. The fans countdown with the clock and cheer when the buzzer sounds. "Down With The Sickness" plays over the speakers and out walks Hades! Boos fill the arena as The Lord of the Underworld makes his way to the ring, trying to look as imposing and mysterious as possible. He slides in the ring and waggles his tongue at the crowd...for some reason. The music stops and the countdown begins again. Zero is reached and the buzzer goes off before "Enter Sandman'' by Metallica begins to play. Hades is shocked. The fans cheer as Zeus makes his way out from behind the curtain and down the ramp; a few drunk fans actually bow to the "god". Zeus nods in approval before heading to the ring. He rolls in, climbs to the second rope and poses before smugly turning to face his opponent. Zeus's smile leaves his face when he sees Hades. The music stops and we can hear the brothers yelling "BULLSHIT!" ~
Zybala: By the luck of the draw, The Greek Gods start us off in this Battle Royal.
Dean: Didn't this happen at the last Outsiders Battle Royal?
Zybala: Maybe they're fated to fight??
Dean: Maybe it's lazy writing...
~ Zeus and Hades are yelling about all battle royals being rigged. A fan shouts "IN YOUR FAVOR!" which reminds The Greek Gods about the last battle royal how they teamed up on everyone. They start flexing for the crowd, thinking they are jacked.. They stop posing when the countdown begins once again. Zeus is grinning confidently and Hades starts cracking his knuckles. They are ready to fuck someone up. The buzzer sounds. "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays over the speakers as "The Marvelous One" Mike Mason steps out. The fans boo this Adonis of a man as he struts down the ramp. Mason steps between the ropes, looks at The "Gods" and tells them that "he'll show them how it's done." Mason then strikes a double biceps pose so intense that it literally makes Zeus and Hades fall to asses! ~
Zybala: I think this is an OCW first!!
Dean: That man flexed at those Suckas so hard that it physically hurt their egos and self esteem!
~ Zeus is the first to get to his feet and walks towards Mason. But instead of attacking, he starts asking him for pointers! Hades gets up and agrees that The Marvelous One truly has a body of a god. This causes Zeus to squint and ask "Hercules?" Mason is soaking all this adoration in, as it's fueling his ego. He poses again as Zeus then turns and winks at Hades. The two start attacking Mason!! They swing and kick with all of their strength! Mason continues his posing, showing that The Gods' attacks mean nothing to him. The fans boo this show of cockiness, but cheer when "10" appears on the screen! After one is reached and the buzzer goes off. "You Can Do Magic" by America hits the speakers as Fanny crawls over the barricade with a beer in her hand. After telling security to shut up she slides into the ring. Before anything can happen, the buzzer sounds again! Van Halen's "Unchained” begins to play as the house lights slowly dim. At the twelve second mark lights begin to flicker as the beat and rhythm of the song begin to become louder. Meghan Strader steps out from behind the curtain. ~
Dean: And because the timing is random as hell, entrants four and five are out.
Zybala: Outsiders doesn't conform to traditional methods. We do what we want, when we want!
~ Meghan stops and waves at the crowd as she shifts her hips to the right side. She makes her way down to ringside. Meghan finger pistols to the fans. Meghan stops halfway down, looks side to side, raises up her arms expecting her pyro, but a stage hand runs up telling her it's not in the Outsider's budget. She gets angry about this and storms the rest of the way into the ring. She and Fanny join Zeus and Hades in attacking Mason! Two weaklings he could handle, but four are pushing it. Not really pushing it, more specifically annoying The Marvelous One. He pushes the ladies away and grabs Hades. He lifts the god with a Gorilla Press and drops him on top of Zeus. The brothers tumble to the mat as Mason turns towards Fanny, who's ready for a fight. He tells "Flatty" to leave before she gets hurt. She doesn't listen and charges at him with a clothesline as Meghan tries to sweep the leg! This does nothing to Mason. He kicks away Strader as he catches Fanny and body slams her before posing again to the boos of the fans. ~
Dean: I think we're seeing the odds on favorite right here, Sucka.
Zybala: It seems that way now Deano, but there are more people to enter the match.
Dean: Not built like that brick house.
Zybala: I managed to get a few surprises. Just you wait.
Dean: Let's see if that's one of them now. The clock just started again!
~ The fans shout out the countdown and cheer when the buzzer sounds. The cheers get louder when The Ramones "Blitzkrieg Bop" hits the speakers and "Dad Bod" David Barker makes his way down to the ring. He rolls under the ropes and hops to his feet. He rips off his shirt, revealing his tiger singlet. He gets right in Mason's face and strikes a similar muscle pose. Mason seems bemused as Fanny watches on lustfully with beer goggles. Meghan seems to be disgusted at the dad bod. She sneaks up and forearms Fanny in the back of the head! This causes Fanny to stumble into Mason, distracting him. Barker takes advantage and starts hammering Mason with forearms. Mason returns the act of aggression and starts hitting Barker. The fans are cheering the actual action. ~
Dean: Finally, we get some actual fighting!
Zybala: Everyone was attacking Mason before, though…
Dean: That wasn't action. That was a buncha fools hitting a marble statue.
~ As Mason and Barker take shots on each other, Meghan starts hitting Fanny. This causes Fanny to drop her beer and she fights back. The Greek Gods watch the fights, plotting on who to attack. They decide to go after the women and give them a hard shove toward the ropes. The women tumble through the ropes onto the floor. Both women get back to their feet and Meghan punches Fanny in the stomach. Fanny doubles over and groans. Before Meghan can continue the attack, Fanny begins to throw up! The vomit splatters all over Meghan's legs and feet. She is stunned at first before letting out a loud shriek! She runs away from the ring, screaming that she was done. ~
Belvedere: Meghan Strader has quit the match!
Dean: Can't say that I blame her.
Zybala: Can we get a janitor out here?
Dean: I don't know about a janitor but it looks like another wrestler is coming to join us!
~ The countdown starts again and the buzzer sounds at zero. "Welcome to Hell" by Venom starts playing as Max Rotten comes running out from the back and to the ring. He slides under the bottom rope and starts attacking everybody he can. He kicks Zeus in the gut and sets him up for a Rotten Bomb! He lifts the god and drops him hard on the mat. Rotten turns his attention to Dad Bod and Mason and attacks the duo. He headbutts Mason, staggering The Marvelous One, before grabbing Barker. Max lifts him up for a Rotten Slam (World's strongest slam). Dad Bod gets slammed to the canvas hard! Fanny rolls back into the ring after she finishes puking and goes to sit in a corner. Rotten goes over to her and tries to grab her but she is kicking at him frantically. He notices the bits of vomit on her shirt and decides she's too much to deal with. He turns to Hades who is checking on his brother.~
Dean: Max Rotten is handling these Suckas with no problems
Zybala: Speaking of handling, who's handling this clock? The countdown has started again already.
~ Indeed the screen lights up with "10" again as the audience shouts out the countdown. Maybe Poblano is making the backstage crew hurry the clock up to make the match go by faster. The buzzer sounds at zero and Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing" blares over the speakers. The fans murmur; they've been burned before. Should they believe the music? But when the one and only The Shadow Dancer. dances his way out onto the stage, the audience erupts with cheers; though none louder than Mike Zybala! Shadow Dancer dances on the stage for a bit and starts making his way down the ramp as the fans weep with joy! Marcus Welsh suddenly comes running out and catches up with TSD. He starts talking to the legend. We can hear Welsh use the phrase "too good for this." Eventually, the pair turn around and leave as a chorus of boos follow. The tears of joy turn to ugly crying as The Shadow Dancer disappears behind the curtain. Hades tries to take advantage of the distraction and attacks Rotten watch The Shadow Dancer. This attack leads to nothing as Hades is grabbed by Rotten and thrown over the top rope and sent crashing to the floor. ~
Belvedere: Hades has been eliminated!
~ Mason and Barker get back to their feet and go back to fighting each other. Max is about to join when he is attacked from behind with a chair. The fans boo louder as 12 had come from the crowd and slid into the ring with the chair. Max drops to his knees and gets another shot to the back of the head. He falls to the mat as 12 moves to the next person. He nails Mason in the head, dropping The Marvelous One. 12 starts yelling "who's the 'member' now?" He then tries to swing at Barker, but Dad Bod slides under the ropes to the floor; as did Fanny and Zeus. 12 tosses the chair away and starts stomping away at Mason as the fans boo. ~
Dean: And an original Outsider makes an appearance! 12 was in the first ever Dystopia main event! Smart thinking about bringing in the chair to take out Muscle Mountain and The forgotten Rotten brother… Are you okay, dude?
Zybala: I had to sign a contract that said I would never ask TSD to appear in Outsiders again for him to agree to be here tonight! That was my only shot and Welsh vetoed it without meaning to! Oh, just wait until I'm the owner again!
Dean: It's only Shadow Dancer…
Zybala: It's personal, okay?!
Dean: Okay.. Shit, man. Relax.
~ 12 is still kicking away at Mason as Zeus and Fanny try to take on Dad Bod on the outside as Rotten is laying under the ropes, trying to recover from the chair shots. Barker retreats back into the ring and Fanny and Zeus give chase. They think they have an advantage and don't want to lose it. The buzzer sounds again without a countdown. CLASSIC OUTSIDERS, BABY! "Bette Davis Eyes" starts playing as Equality star Whisper Mendoza walks out to the ramp to a polite ovation from the crowd. She makes her way to the ring as the fans sing the 80s hit. Whisper rolls into the ring and starts attacking everybody! She shoves 12 off Mason, while giving the big guy a kick to the ribs. She then dropkicks Dad Bod into the ropes before body slamming Zeus! She lets out a shout…maybe… we think…. Can't hear it over the noise of the crowd. Whisper then turns to Fanny, who drunkenly stares at her and shouts "You Ain't Bedda Den Me" before tackling Whisper to the ground. The two ladies roll around on the mat as 12 stop to watch, giggling like a kid at the "cat fight." 12 elbows a now standing Mason gently as he points to the ladies. Mason calls 12 a "pleb" before wrapping a massive hand around his neck and chokeslams the Outsiders Original over the top rope to the approval of the audience. ~
Belvedere: 12 has been eliminated!
~ Mason turns to Barker and the two start fighting again. Apparently they don't think anyone else is a threat. The countdown starts while everyone but Zeus and Max is fighting. Zeus had crawled over to a set of turnbuckles and is now hiding in a corner, while Rotten is chilling under the ropes, still recovering. The buzzer sounds again and nobody comes out. A technical difficulty? Whisper has Fanny almost over the ropes when the speaker kicks to life… ~
"BIBLE CLUB! FOFOFOFO-FOR GOD!"
Dean: Aww shit son!! It's about to get real!
Zybala: But which one is it!?
~ Zybala's question gets answered as The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” hits the speakers. The fans go wild as John E. Depth and Chastity Temple both walk out proudly displaying their Bible Club shirts while holding extras in their hands. The duo make their way down the ramp as fans reach out for high fives. Chastity waves enthusiastically with Bible Club T-shirts in her hands while Depth throws shirts to the crowd. They get ringside and throw the remaining shirts into the crowd before sliding in the ring. Depth and Chastity quickly go on the attack! Chastity clubs Whisper in the back of the head with a forearm, slumping her against the ropes; allowing Fanny to climb back in the ring. She is met with a stunner from Chastity, laying her out on the mat. Depth goes and tackles Dad Bod to the mat with a spear! Depth quickly gets to his feet and looks at The Marvelous One. As Mason stares at Depth, Chastity superkicks the muscle man in the back of the head! He stumbles but doesn't fall. Depth then hits him with a superkick of his own to the face! Mason still doesn't fall! Chastity goes next to Depth and hits Mason with a double superkick, finally toppling the big man! ~
Zybala: The Bible Club charging in and kicking ass tonight on Access Denied!
Dean: And thanks to Outsiders Rules, they are allowed to enter at the same time. A huge advantage for the pair.
Zybala: Gotta give The Yardies what they want; even when we're not in The Yard.
Dean: And speaking of giving the people what they want!!
~ With their opponents down on the mat or cowering in a corner, Depth and Chastity go to the center of the ring. The fans are buzzing with anticipation, they know what's coming next. Chastity and Depth drop to their knees and fold their hands as if praying. They hold that position as the crowd gets ready. Depth and Chastity both jump to their feet with their arms spread wide to the delight of the crowd!!! ~
Fans/Depth/Chastity: BIBLE CLUB, BAYBAY!!!
~ The Yardies, for we are all Yardies for this match, let out the loudest cheer of the night so far. The cheers turn to boos as Zeus attacks Depth from behind with a punch to the back of the head! The blow startles Depth more than it hurts him, but he stumbles forward nevertheless. Zeus turns his attention to Chastity and hits her with a Lightning Bolt chop! Chastity barely reacts since Zeus barely works out. Zeus is stunned at the lack of reaction but hits another Lightning Bolt. He goes for a third when he sees two hands on his chest. He doesn't have the chance to be confused as he is lifted up by Depth with a modified German Suplex! Zeus is dumped on his head by Depth's Breast-Plex. Depth quickly gets back to his feet and looks for his next victim. Rotten has sprung to his feet and charges at Depth. He pushes the former porn director up and over the ropes! Chastity starts to yell at Max about the blindside attack when she gets shoved into the ropes by a recovered Whisper and Fanny! Chastity tries to fight the two ladies off but Fanny has drunk adrenaline going for her and Whisper wants to prove herself. Chastity is tossed over the top and falls to the floor. ~
Belvedere: John E. Depth and Chastity Temple have been eliminated!
~ Fanny and Whisper high five and talk shit to the Bible Club. Chastity sticks her tongue out at the pair as Depth flips them off. The crowd goes "OOOOOOH!" as Fanny looks at Whisper and asks if she's going to let them get away with that. Whisper responds "hell no" and tells Fanny to get on her hands and knees. Fanny's drunk enough to be up for anything and does as she's told. Whisper hits the ropes and comes running at Fanny. She uses Fanny as a step to propel herself over the top rope with a decent swanton onto The Bible Club! The fans cheer and start a "WHISPER!!" chant as Whisper pops back to her feet, proud of herself. That pride doesn't last long when a ref comes over and tells her she's eliminated. ~
Belvedere: Whisper Mendoza has been eliminated!
Zybala: With a head full of steam, Whisper eliminates herself after helping Fanny take out Chastity of the match.
Dean: Right after the other Bible Club sucka was taken out by Max Rotten! Surprisingly, Zeus is still in the match.
Zybala: He almost won the Streaming Services Battle Royale at Double X. Zeus is a battle royal GOD!
Dean: That "god" is laid out on his head….
Zybala: Semantics.
Dean: I don't think that means what you think that means.
~ Max turns to Fanny and is about to attack her when Dad Bod grabs him in a Bulldog headlock! Barker completes the "Big Brother" by giving a noogie to Rotten's head! He then shoves Max forward into Fanny; who jumps up and hits The FAN (codebreaker) on Max! Rotten is out on the mat and Dad Bod and Fanny turn towards Mason. The Marvelous One is standing up, trying to shake off the barrage of superkicks the Bible Club hit him with. Fanny charges at Mason but gets tossed over the ropes for her troubles by Mason! Fanny catches the top rope and lands on the apron, holding on for dear life. Mason tries to push her down, but Fanny is hugging the top rope and has her legs wrapped around the middle rope. Mason hauls back a massive fist and punches Fanny right in the tit! Fanny gasps in pain as she falls to the apron. Her legs are still wrapped around the ropes, which keeps her from elimination. Mason leans over to try to spread her legs ( STOP IT) and Zeus, who was charging at Mason from behind, misses his attack and stumbles over the top rope all the way to the floor! ~
Belvedere: Zeus had been eliminated!
~ Mason stands up and looks at Zeus. Suddenly, Mason is grabbed from behind by Barker. Dad Bod spins him around and hits Mason with a couple of knees to his chiseled abs. He then whips The Marvelous One towards the corner. Mason hits chest first and Barker comes charging in from behind, nailing Mason with a Stinger Splash to the back! He starts punching away at Mason, trying to keep the muscle bound brute in the corner! Mason is able to turn things around however as he pushes himself away from the corner and turns around.
He grabs Dad Bod and shoves him in the corner and starts to ram his shoulder into Dad Bod's big belly over and over! Barker drops to his butt in the corner and Mason is about to continue the attack when he is hit from behind! He turns to see a now fearful Fanny. She throws caution to the wind and charges at Mason, who side steps and lets the her run into Barker! Fanny accidentally headbutts Barker and stumbles backwards into the waiting Mason. Mason grabs her in a mighty Full Nelson and starts to rag doll the lady. Fanny screams in pain until the pain is too much to bare and she passes out. Mason is about to toss Fanny out of the ring when he gets distracted by the clock and buzzer. ~
Dean: I can't wait to see who's coming out next!
Zybala: Well, there is only one person left on the sign in sheet, so unless someone is sneaking in…
Dean: Some one could. It's Outsiders, Sucka.
Zybala: Dude, it's gonna be El Knuckle…
Dean: Ten bucks says it ain't.
Zybala: You're on!
"LA… LA, LA LA… Wait till I get my money right…”
~ Dean looks smugly at Zybala as the fans lose their minds. Lime green lights start strobing all over the arena as Mason tosses Fanny over the top rope and eliminates the drunk sensation, waiting for the true Marvel of any OCW; and a worthy opponent. He starts yelling for Meyhu to come out as the music keeps playing. The fans boo as El Knuckle comes out of the crowd and slides in the ring. He attacks Mason from behind and dumps him over the top rope! Mason tumbles and hits the floor hard. He quickly stands up, looking angry and stunned. ~
Belvedere: Both Fanny and Mike Mason have been eliminated! We are down to the final two competitors!
~ Zybala returns Dean's smug look. Mason is fuming at ringside as El Knuckle waves bye bye at him. E.K. turns to face the recovering Dad Bod. Barker gets to his feet and looks a bit woozy, but puts up his fists in a fighting stance. El Knuckle and Barker lock and start shoving against each other. El Knuckle pushes the weakened Dad Bod against the ropes, not noticing that Mason has slid back into the ring! He charges at the pair, but El Knuckle sees him at the last second. He breaks away from Barker just in time as Mason hits Dad Bod with a clothesline, sending them both over the top rope! Both men crash to the floor as El Knuckle smirks under his mask. ~
Belvedere: David Barker has been eliminated! Here is your winner, EL KNUCKLE!!
Dean: Ain't that about a bitch? Dad Bod got screwed over by an attack that wasn't even meant for him.
Zybala: Mason tried to get revenge on the mysterious luchador who speaks great english, and El Knuckle turned it into his favor. Now he gets to join the Pyramid Scheme match at the next ppv.
~ El Knuckle is celebrating in the ring as we cut backstage ~
~We see AKB walking backstage. He takes a handful of Advil tablets to relieve his headache from what we can only assume is from a hangover. He sees a beautiful OCW crew member walk by him and checks out her ass nodding in approval. ~
C R U N C H
C R U N C H
~AKB realizes he just stepped on something. He looks down to see his shoes covered in a shattered jar OWL is Night's chunky mustard. There are a few jars of mustard in a case that he can see with a hand written sign on it saying "DO NOT REFRIDGERATE!!!" Hearing a clinging noises by a fridge oddly located near where AKB was standing, he investigates further where he finds a woman digging through the fridge rolling the jars of mustard on the floor away from the freezer. The crowd erupt with cheers and 'HOOTS' as we see it is none other than OCW HALL OF FAMER, Alice Knight who stands up.~
AKB: Oh... Jesus. Hey... Alice? What's up?
Alice: Well I was minding my own business sneaking through this fridge to only find out my chunky mustard has been refrigerated? Don't these people in catering know that the best way to eat Owl Is Night Chunky Mustard is if it has been left in the heat or the sun for a couple weeks? No wonder some kids have been put in to comas in Alaska. They didn't read the fine print. See.
~Alice holds up a jar and points to the tiny text written in a shade of yellow over the yellow label. AKB squints unable to read the print~
AKB: Yeah... weird. Anyway nice seeing you...
~AKB goes to walk away but Alice jumps in front of him.~
Alice: Wait! Don't you know what tonight is?
~AKB shrugs~
Alice: Welllllll, let me tell you. It's been 5 years since the OWL IS NIGHT, HOOTING movement was born. Five years ago TODAY I made history. Traveling from Japan to Key West Florida in a full Massacre episode. The great Eastern European, may he rest in pieces, mispronounced my name and the birth of the HOOT began. After that I became an OCW Champion, a OCW Hall of Famer, a house hold name and of course the inventor of my own Mustard.
AKB: Well... congrats, Alice. Awesome stuff. Nice to have you back...
Alice: Oh I am not done. Not only am I here to celebrate five years of greatness. I am also here to announce... drum roll please....
AKB:....
Alice: MY RETURN TO THE OCW RING! Isn't that special!! Isn't this the best news you've heard all evening? All YEAR even?
AKB: Sure... it is only January 30th, a month in the new year. So yes, Alice. Best news alllllll year. May I leave...?
~AKB goes to leave again but Alice jumps in front of him again now randomly holding a ukulele and a tambourine. AKB raises an eyebrow~
AKB: What?
~Alice hands him the tambourine. As she straps on the ukulele~
AKB: Jesus lord, you're not going to start singing are you, Alice?
~Alice begins playing~
Alice: This song is called Five Years Later. Join in if you know the words. And AKB, don't be afraid to have a little bit of F. U. N.... Fun!
AKB: I'll give you an F. U. C...
~Alice breaks out into song~
Alice: Five years later, I am so tired.
I open my mouth and suck this positive life in me.
AKB: Whoa... whoa... whoa......... WHOA!
Alice: You're ruining the song, AKB.
AKB: Is this song about you blowing some dude?
Alice: Whaaaaaaa? Where did you get that from? It's about me accepting the life i earned and putting away badness I once lived. Listen.
~Alice begins playing again~
Alice: 5 Years later, I am still here.
AKB: Now ... wait... now you're giving a hand job to a dude?
~Alice begins playing~
Alice: NO! DUDE... 5 years later, the roses are still red.
AKB: Jesus, Alice. This is getting messed up. Good luck.
~AKB hands her the tambourine and walks off screen. Alice looks down with a sad face~
Alice: I guess it needs a little work...
~Alice begins to tune up the ukulele as the scene fades out. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: AHAHAHAHA
Hood: Geezus
Smith: She’s the best, right?
Hood: Depends on the category...most insufferable, inconceivably over character in wrestling history? Yea, she’s probably the best.
Smith: You know you love it! That was Alice Knight, everybody and she’s back! I’m told she’ll be competing inside the Great Illuminatus at Carpe Noctem.
Hood: hope she dies
Smith: What was that?!
Hood: I’m gonna get some waffle fries!
Smith: Grab me some. That was taped earlier today...I’m told Alice was seen boarding Poblano’s private plane shortly after. No idea why or where she was going but something tells me we’re gonna find out.
Hood: Nevermind
Smith: What?
Hood: The place to get Waffle fries is like a hundred yards away...ain’t nobody got time for that.
Smith: Sounds kinda lazy, but alright then.
Hood: Fuck off...now, if you'll excuse me, I'd to say what I really think about Alice Knight...
Smith: Hold on, Hood.
Hood: I’m not going anywhere...we’re locked inside this hell hole and I’m kinda frozen with fear after seeing that cat sized rat.
Smith: I’m being told we’ve got a major altercation taking place down on the streets.
Hood: The MEAN streets?
Smith: Yes, Hood. The MEAN Streets of Detroit. Production truck...get us a shot of this.
~We get a graphic that reads...MOMENTS AGO. We see Outcast stepping out of a black SUV...ride offered courtesy of OCW. The champ emerges right outside the OCW Zone. Fans are going wild as Outcast, strap over his shoulder, dressed in a solid suit and tie steps toward a wooden barricade where officers watch. They move aside, allowing the champion access into the several blocks that have been rented out by the company~
Smith: There’s the champion, Outcast.
Hood: Thank you for stating the mother fucking obvious.
Smith: Well what else am I supposed to say?
Hood: You could compliment his suit. Or maybe how shiny and nice the OCW Title looks.
Smith: It is a nice suit. Be a shame if...uh oh
~Before Outcast can get very far, he’s confronted by Lurrr. Lurrr gets right up in his face, calling him a pussy. Outcast pushes security away. He slowly tosses his title to the ground and rolls up his sleeves, getting ready to fight. Before he can get set up, Maurako attacks him from behind!!! The fans all scatter, trying not to get in the way. Lurrr delivers a right cross into Outcast’s head...Mario responds with a double axe handle into the champion’s back!! Outcast stumbles and staggers, doubling over. He snares the OCW Title off the ground~
Smith: We need to break this up..they are trying to ruin Outcast’s chances at retaining his belt.
Hood: Hall of Famers don’t sit around and wait, Smith. They take action...plus, Outcast struck first.
Smith: He did not!
~Outcast fights back! He jams the OCW Title into Lurrr’s gut, sending the original ICON staggering backwards. Mario grabs Outcast by his suit coat, but Outcast slips out of it, spins around and blasts Mario with the OCW Title. The hulking Maurako shakes it off and hits Outcast with a right hand. Outcast hits him with another belt shot, staggering the mountain of a man. OCW officials rush in, trying to break this up but Outcast and Mario fight them off~
Smith: I don’t think we’re gonna be able to break this one up, Hood.
Hood: Doesn’t seem like it...those guys are determined to end this shit...NOW
Smith: I’m trying to get official word on what we’re going to do.
~Lurrr gets back into the action, kneeing Outcast from behind. Maurako responds with a huge right hand that sends Outcast stumbling to one knee. Lurrr grabs the OCW Champion by the hair and hammers him in the head repeatedly. He then grabs the OCW Title and yells at Mario, “Let’s get his ass in the ring. Win this shit NOW.” The fans start to boo. Mario takes the OCW Title from Lurrr and he drills it into Outcast’s face, knocking the champion out. He then picks him up and hoists him over his shoulder, carrying him to the ring. Lurrr hurries ahead...he grabs the mic from Belvedere as Mario nears the ring with Outcast over one shoulder and the OCW Title over the other~
Lurrr: How would you all like to see the OCW Title match...RIGHT NOW?
Fans: YES!!!
Lurrr: Welsh! Make it happen, or there’ll be a riot in these streets! Let’s go!!
~Mario reaches the ring and tosses Outcast in through the middle and bottom rope. The OCW Champion tumbles toward the center. We quickly cut to Welsh...he’s in a very warm and comfortable room, watching the action on a giant flatscreen with Greg. He’s on his phone, frantic~
Marcus Welsh: Start it NOW? Are they fuckin crazy? Yea, I’m seeing it on TV.
~Welsh snaps his fingers at Greg. Greg hops up and begins making him a gin and tonic to ease his nerves~
Marcus Welsh: Well, how’s the vibe. Are they...A RIOT?
~We cut back to ringside. Mario has Outcast hooked in a Full Nelson. Lurrr continues shouting for the match to start. The fans are chanting “START THE MATCH! START THE MATCH!” We cut back to Welsh~
Marcus Welsh: Fuck, hold on.
~Welsh covers the receiver and looks toward Greg~
Marcus Welsh: They’re recommending we start the match...they say if we don’t the crowd will riot and it’ll ruin the rest of the event.
~Greg calmly pours some gin into the tonic water~
Greg: Do you even have a choice?
~Welsh sighs and gets back on the phone~
Marcus Welsh: You ask Outcast, alright? He’s got to be good with this. Last thing I need is a fuckin lawsuit or a talent like him walking out due to some impromptu bullshit.
~Welsh hangs up and snares the drink from Greg. He chugs it and slams the glass down, looking at Greg, eager for another. Greg sighs and mixes him a second drink. We cut back to ringside~
Fans: LET THEM FIGHT! LET THEM FIGHT!
Lurrr: Let’s go! Start the fucking match!
~Belvedere stands. The place goes CRAZY. He heads for the ring~
Smith: It appears as though our GM has no choice in this matter, Hood.
Hood: Well, he’s doing the American thing. He’s making sure Outcast is okay with it.
Smith: How is that isolated to just America? That’s common decency.
Hood: Because America invented decency, Smith. Especially common decency.
Smith: That’s a lie!
~Belvedere looks at Mario, he’s got Outcast locked tight into the Full Nelson. Belvedere tries to get Mario to release it...but Maurako refuses. Belvedere looks down at Outcast, who is barely conscious. Lurrr screams into the mic~
Lurrr: ASK HIM
~Belvdere looks out at the ravenous fans, jumping up and down, about to storm the ring if they don’t get what they want~
Fans: LET THEM FIGHT! LET THEM FIGHT!!
~Belvedere sighs, realizing Mario won’t release Outcast. So, he does his job like a true pro~
Belvedere: Outcast, sir. Are you willing to compete right now?
~Outcast looks up at Belvedere like “are you fucking serious?” But his pride and his passion to buck the odds even at the risk of self destruction overcome any sense of pragmatism. So, he spits out some blood and snarls back with a, “Ring the fucking bell.” The fans go crazy!!! Belvedere throws his arms in the air like, “He’s a madman.” He turns and nods at the timekeeper and the bell rings~
Smith: We’re getting the OCW Title match...right now!
Hood: Aw fuck…I guess Lurrr and Maurako are too old to be kept waiting. They wanna get this shit in so they can hit the bar and then get in bed before midnight.
~Belvedere exits. Lurrr continues working the stick~
Lurrr: Finish him off, Mario! Slam his ass into the mat!
~Mario’s got the Full Nelson locked in deep...Outcast’s shoulders, traps, and lats have got to be on fire. Mario tries hoisting Outcast up, but Outcast does his best to block it~
Smith: Once Maurako gets his hands on an opponent...it’s pretty much over. His strength is unrivaled in this profession.
Hood: And now that he’s got a new heart...he’s basically a new man!
Smith: Same ole attitude, though. Trying to cheat his way to this OCW Title.
~Mario yells out and fights through Outcast’s stubbornness, getting him up...but Outcast throws his leg back, kicking Mario in the balls!! Mario loses his balance...Outcast sits out and cracks Mario in the mouth with a sit out jawbreaker!!! Mario doubles over, holding his mouth...we see some blood oozing from his mouth to the mat. Lurrr slaps the apron on the outside~
Lurrr: Mario! C’mon!
~Outcast, from his ass, reaches up and punches Mario in the throat, keeping him doubled over. He then gets Mario on his shoulder and rises...it’s a struggle...but he gets to his feet with Maurako draped over his shoulder. The fans rise...Outcast has never looked more impressive. The OCW Title is face up on the mat. Outcast positions Maurako...his arms are shaking, he’s struggling with the size of Mario...but he gets him in position, head pointed at the mat…he then jumps up and spike tombstone’s Mario’s head into the OCW Title!!! The fans all cringe! Lurrr yells into the mic~
Lurrr: SON OF A BITCH
Smith: Mario just got dropped on his head on top of the OCW Title! He might be done!
Hood: A head injury...a compressed spine. Dude could be seriously fucked up.
Smith: Meanwhile out OCW Champion, Outcast is sitting up. He’s got to be the toughest wrestler in company history.
Hood: He’s not out of the woods yet.
Smith: And, for those of you just tuning in expecting to see these men inside a barbed wire cage...I’m told we didn’t have time to put the cage together due to the impromptu nature of this match.
Hood: CLASSIC OCW, BABY
~Lurrr hops onto the apron...the mic makes a loud pop as he tosses it down. He steps into the ring. Outcast gets to his feet. Lurrr charges at Outcast with THE WAKE UP CALL (Superkick)!!! But Outcast ducks!!! Lurrr hits the ropes...he turns around and Outcast runs him over with a clothesline!! Lurrr flips over the top rope to the outside! The fans go wild!! Outcast, on his feet, surges along with the energy from the crowd~
Smith: And Lurrr has been knocked on his butt!
Hood: Man, if Outcast gets out of here with that OCW Title...fuckin impressive. Those aren’t just two Hall of Famers...those are two of the most dominant Hall of Famers in OCW history.
Smith: Indeed.
~He turns his focus to Maurako. Mario is still down. Outcast pulls the Hall of Famer to his feet. Scruff, in the ring, hops around, waiting to see what’s next...prepared to make a pinfall should the situation arise. Mario’s legs are weak. He stumbles around, nearly falling down~
Smith: Is he concussed?
Hood: I dunno, it looks more like that tombstone fucked up his spine...like he doesn’t have his legs fully underneath him.
~Outcast goes after him, seeing the wounded warrior. He hits Mario with a forearm to the side of the head. Mario falls into the ropes, nearly tumbling toward them. He grabs on and gets back to his feet...Outcast stands in front of him. Mario throws a lariat out of desperation...but Outcast ducks!! Mario stumbles forward...he turns around, wobbly. He reaches for Outcast but Outcast ducks and hoists Mario over the top rope and to the outside!!! Mario disappears from side, but the thud is loud. Outcast drops to one knee, taking a beat~
Smith: Mario has been tossed outside! Outcast is the clear leader in this one.
Hood: Fuck man...if anybody is going to fight Outcast they should probably bring a gun.
Smith: He’s survived gunshots in the past, Hood.
Hood: Damnit, that’s right. Bring a fuckin Canon!
Smith: Foreshadowing?
I just want to do as I please.
5 Years Later, I am still admired.
That's when I get on my knees.
Spitting out the hot mess in me that I once was.
Why does the world wide audience love me?
And why does...
5 Years later, my hands do the work.
Reaching down and jerking out the fear.
Washing my hands clean from the jerk...
5 years later the violets are blue.
5 years later I want to sit on your throbbing... on your throbbing... on your...