Wednesday, June 16th, 2021
Taped from the OCW Studio
Episode #5
~We get those ridiculous Youtube ads. There’s one about some kinda product that makes no sense and its followed up by an ad that basically sells the same damn thing. What the hell? We try to skip but the commies at Youtube won’t let us so we endure. Finally...the torture ends and we are shown that sweet, sweet OCW logo. It’s Piledriver time, folks. However...instead of Cheasy M we cut directly to...the one...the only...it’s been rumored...it’s been bandied about...but it’s happening...here she is...Vhodka Marie!!!~
Vhodka Marie: Don’t adjust those dials, folks! I assure you that Vhodka Marie truly is here live and in person at the hallowed ground that is OCW. Now, I know what you’re all thinking, you’ve heard the twitter rumors and seen the rumblings in the dirt sheets. Is this a work? Are Who’re and Vhodka playing not only you fans at home but the rest of this elite roster in the back? Christmas has come early, kiddies, cause I’m here to explain all.
You see, when you find yourself in this business as I have there are certain promotions that carry a weight with their names. Sometimes that weight is positive and sometimes it’s negative, word of mouth carries around locker rooms like Mack O’Conner carries around my jock strap. For those of you who have followed my career closely, you’ll know I took somewhat of a sabbatical from the business for personal reasons. I spent ten long years on the shelf just waiting for the time to be right for me to come back and put all the little baby wrestlers on notice and when I did it was the splash was heard round the world. I’m fresh off an eight-month reign as the OPW Southern Heavyweight Champion, a title I won in my second match back after a decade of ring rust, arguably one of the hottest free agents in the game to date. But now? Life is different. OPW is closing its doors and the man I went there for... well, that’s done too. So, where does that leave ol’ Vhodka Marie? As fate would have it, watching Piledriver one night. Someone whose name I didn’t commit to memory was talking about the illustrious history of this fair company. They talked about things like the OCW championship, which was recently very disrespected by Mr. O’Conner, they also spoke about things like Transatlantic championship…
And as I sat there watching this absolute sausage fest, I have to admit, it kind of started to get under my skin a bit. I mean, here you have Who’Re trying to turn this ship in the right direction while these absolute delinquents do their best to undermine her at every turn. It’s like when Mommy and Daddy go out for date night and leave all the bad little boys at home to run amuck on the long-suffering baby sitter. Well, I’ve got news for you boys in the back. Mama is home now and you’re all over due some spankings from where I sit.
This beautiful angel of a woman Who’Re was kind enough to take my call and we came to... an understanding. Actually, we both quite see eye to eye as luck would have it. What OCW is sorely lacking in is... diVersity. It’s hard to keep things fresh and exciting with the same lowly losers parading out here every week spouting off the same ol’ tired cliches. Take my good buddy Mack O’Conner for example, Mr. I’ve-Done-It-All-Seen-It-All-Bought-The-T-Shirt-And-Matching-Panties. Mack likes to sit around in the back espousing what he’s done... in the past. As a matter of fact, it seems like all anyone around here does it talk about the past. But today is the dawn of a new era here in OCW and I intend to help my good friend Who’Re here right some wrongs. That will start at Quarantine, you all should do yourself a solid and make sure you tune in.
~Vhodka stares into the camera as we slowly fade from her and into a shot of Cheasy M at the OCW Studio. We get a quick clip of Who’Re, watching from the side, urging Cheasy to go int hype mode~
Cheasy M: Vhodka Marie! Finally, after the weeks of speculation and rumor she has appeared on OCW Television and delivered a message.
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts to keep up~
Cheasy M: She had some harsh things to say about Mack. About OCW. She’s going to appear at Quarantined...but, in what capacity?
~We get a quick graphic of Vhodka Marie with a question mark~
Cheasy M: That remains to be seen. Quarantined...this Sunday, only on Pay Per View...be sure and order OCW’s spectacular return to prominence. Vhodka Marie, Prison Yard Match and so, so, so much more. Don’t miss it!
~We cut to commercial~
~Real Good Looking Boy starts up again and this time people with terrible teeth adorn the titles. Brown, Yellow, black. Missing, crooked…. You name it, it’s there. Again, before Piledriver viewership heaves, we open again to your friend and mind…. ‘Perfection Personified’ Dylan Thomas, complete with his perfectly white and glistening toothy grin.~
Dylan: Welcome one and all to episode two of Perfection Personified Grooming, seen only here on Wednesday Night Piledriver with the host that annoys the most, that absolute toolbox, Cheasy M. Now… friends have you noticed how fake Cheasy’s teeth are? I’m guessing that he’s had them polished to high heaven… because DAMN! Even snow isn’t that white! I’m guessing that he’s hiding some terrible, average person teeth behind those things. If you’re sitting at home – except you guys of the Dylan Section, you guys rule - and you’re thinking ‘Holy Fuck… my teeth are brown and disgusting, my wife is going to kill me’, well first of all, how in the almighty FUCK are you married? And secondly (and most importantly) I’m here once again to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way and perfectly white, REAL teeth are in reach! You people at home have the means to be...almost as perfect as me.
~Dylan holds a toothbrush up to the camera with a wink. He then holds up an electric toothbrush with a grin. He then walks over to a mirror, applying mint toothpaste to the electric~
Dylan: Simply take one of these – an electric toothbrush is better, but either will suffice – and apply some toothpaste about the size just bigger than a pea to the head. I like to use Mint... People think you need to cover the head entirely but this is just wasteful. Then clean each tooth independently, making doubly sure to hit those back molars.
~Dylan turns on the toothbrush demonstrating what he just said. After a few moments he stops grabbing a nearby bottle of water and he spits the toothpaste into the sink. He looks in the mirror while talking.~
Dylan: When finish use some bottled water and rinse out that mouth. And to really make that mouth nice and healthy, take some mouthwash, swill it around for about thirty seconds to one minute and spit. Your dentist will advise for cleaning your teeth twice a day, but if you want to be almost as perfect as me? You’ll go for at least four times… To keep that pearly white smile….
~He smiles, showing off his grin.~
Dylan: …...In check. I’m Dylan Thomas. Bringing you one step closer to being ALMOST as perfect as me. I’ll see you next time.
~We cut back to the OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: Dylan Thomas pushing toothpaste. I have no doubt that's some spectacular paste...however, I am and will always be a CREST man. No offense, DT! Good luck on Sunday in the Prison Yard Match...here's hoping you don't lose any of those 'pearly whites' via a Mike Zybala superkcik!!
~Camera cut. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: And now...it's time for this week's FROM the VAULT. Everybody knows Curt Canon...an OCW Hall of Famer. The defeater of Lurrr. Curt Canon is as attached to OCW as apple pie is to MURICA. This Sunday, at Quarantined, Canon has a chance to reclaim the OCW Title. So, tonight, let's revisit one of Curt's most memorable matches...as he faced...yes...a human sized bunny.
Curt Canon vs. Muffles the Bunny
~We cut inside the tent. The OCW ring sets atop a dirt surface inside a pit which resides several inches lower than the bottom row of seats in the crowd. A cell hangs above the ring, just beneath the four screen monstrosity. There is a ladder leaning up against a corner. Belvedere has a mic in his hand, standing in the middle of the ring~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen…the following match is a CAGED LADDER MATCH! The winner will receive a #1 Contender’s Match at the next OCW Super Show for a SHOT at the OCW Championship!! In order to win this match a competitor must either pin or submit their opponent or escape the cell through a door located at the top of the cell. Introducing first…
~”Bad Bunny” by Radioactive Chicken Heads fills the OCW tent. The fans hop to their feet and start to bounce around BUNNY STYLE. These fans are full of energy…it’s the first match of the day! Muffles emerges through the entrance and hops his way down…he stops…performs an extra big hop into the pit!! He swings his orange bat around much to the crowd’s delight. He reaches the steps…marches up the steps and jumps over the top rope, into the ring~
Belvedere: Introducing first…from Bunnyman Bridge…standing 6’3 and weighing in at 236lbs….Muffles the Bunny!!!
~ “Figure 8” by Trust Company hits!! The crowd gets even LOUDER for the OCW Hall of Famer and former OCW Champion. Curt Canon splits through the tent flaps, posing for the crowd! A “CANON” chant shakes the tent’s foundation! He smiles, taking in the love and respect. It’s clear the man is glad to be back! He walks down the entrance…hops into the pit and rushes toward the ring, sliding in under the bottom rope. He pops to his feet, heads for the nearest corner and poses for the fans~
Belvedere: And his opponent…from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania…standing 5’4 and weighing in at 155lbs…he is a former OCW Champion…he is an OCW Hall of Famer…he is….Curt Canon!!!
~Belvedere exits the ring. A ‘CANON’ chant still consumes the interior of the tent. The cell begins to lower. Muffles, holding onto his bat, remains freakishly still. He stands, facing the direction of Curt. Curt looks over at Muffles. He points at the bat, talking with Scruff. Scruff does the signature Scruff Shrug~
Smith: Curt isn’t a fan of that weapon but…given the match stipulation, I’m not sure there’s much that can be done about it.
Hood: That bat is merely there to symbolize a giant carrot, Smith
Smith: Seriously? Huh…I never got that connection
Hood: Fucking idiot
~Curt’s a laid back guy so he takes Scruff’s ruling in stride. The cell is completely lowered. The bell rings! The crowd goes wild! It’s the first match of the evening. Muffles charges at Canon with the bat! Canon ducks a near lethal blow! The bat SLAMS into the top buckle. Muffles turns around. Canon is light on his feet, bouncing around…he appears somewhat frightened. He says something along the lines of “That fucking bat!” Muffles points at Canon with the bat and begins swinging it over his head~
Smith: Muffles apparently had a game plan coming into the match
Hood: Yes…Muffles SMASH
Smith: I guess that bat is more than just a carrot, eh?
Hood: Well of course it is, Smith! I didn’t say it was LITERALLY a fucking carrot, did I?
Smith: No, I don’t suppose you did
~Muffles charges at Canon a second time. Canon locates the ladder. He grabs it and uses it to defend himself. Muffles swings with the bat…Canon blocks it with the ladder!! Canon shoves Muffles back. He thrusts the ladder forward, toward the gut of the bunny. Muffles knocks the ladder away using the bat. Muffles swings the bat at Canon’s head…Canon lifts the ladder up, blocking the bat. Both men stagger…Canon and Muffles take a swing at the same time…the bat and ladder SLAM into one another leaving their handlers at a stalemate. The crowd goes wild~
Smith: And we’ve got some type of ladder, bat duel going on
Hood: Only in OCW
Smith: Which weapon would you prefer?
Hood: Neither…I’d just sneak a gun in there and BOOM…game over
Smith: That’s horrible
~Muffles takes his bat and he swings down, jarring the ladder out of Canon’s hands. The ladder lands on the mat. Canon shakes his hands, his face contorts with discomfort. Muffles points the bat at Canon. Curt realizes he’s weaponless. Muffles stalks him down. He places his legs around the ladder as he walks, keeping the ladder between his legs. Canon notices this…the top of the ladder is between the bunny’s legs. Canon takes his foot…he places it on the bottom rung and pushes back…the top of the ladder shoots up and DRILLS Muffles in the crotch!! The crowd goes “ooohhh”! Muffles’ knees turn inward and buckle…he falls over to his side, releasing the orange bat~
Smith: Well that’s one way to stop a human sized bunny, I suppose
Hood: Right in the bunny balls!
Smith: Curt is resourceful. You have got to give him that
Hood: That’s an understatement. Guy tricked his way into an OCW Title win AND Hall of Fame nominations.
~Canon grabs the ladder and places it back in its original corner. He snares Muffles by one of the ears and pulls the bunny to his feet. He whips Muffles into the ladder…the bunny SLAMS front first into the ladder. He comes stumbling backwards. Canon runs into the ropes, bounces off…he leaps into the air and takes Muffles down with a slingblade!! The crowd erupts! Canon is seated on the canvas, post move…he spots the bat~
Smith: And Curt has spotted the bat!
Hood: You say that like it’s some kind of fucking achievement…IT’S A BRIGHT ORANGE BAT
Smith: I was merely calling the action
Hood: It’s like when you send kids out looking for neon colored eggs that are sitting out, in the open. Don’t cheer that…DON’T CHEEER THAT
~Canon snares the bat. He holds it up. The crowd cheers with approval. Muffles gets to his feet. Canon swings the bat at the bunny’s head. Muffles, however…in a freakish show of strength and quickness CATCHES the bat with his left hand! The crowd is stunned. Canon is shocked. Canon looks up into the black, soulless eyes of the bunny. He tries pulling the bat away but the bunny’s grip is too strong. So, Canon does what he must…he jumps up and dropkicks the Bunny in the knee!! Muffles lets go of the bat and falls to one knee. Canon, still holding the bat, leaps up with an enziguri into the side of the bunny’s head! Muffles falls over…a ‘Canon’ chant resumes~
Smith: More resourcefulness by Curt Canon
Hood: Holy shit that Bunny is fucking freaky at times
Smith: It’s all fun and games at first…but people tend to forget that is one dangerous creature
Hood: It’s the freakiest fucking mall easter bunny you ever saw trying to beat you to death inside a wrestling ring.
~Curt looks at the bat. The crowd seems eager for Curt to use it. Canon looks down at the freaky bunny. Muffles is stirring, getting ready to rise once more. Canon heads toward the side of the cell. He takes the bat and slides it through one of the holes in the cell, dropping it outside – eliminating it from being used in the match. The crowd boos, slightly…they are confused and disappointed. Curt turns around to find Muffles sitting up, staring at him~
Smith: Smart move by the Hall of Famer…Muffles can do more harm to Canon with that weapon than Canon could ever hope to inflict upon Muffles
Hood: What’s Canon’s beef with baseball? It’s America’s pastime!
Smith: I’m sure he likes Baseball well enough
Hood: Ya know just because the Phillies suck doesn’t mean you have to take it out on the whole damn sport, Curt!
~Canon charges at Muffles with a Penalty Kick. Muffles catches Curt’s leg!! Canon hops around on one foot as Muffles rises to his feet. Curt throws his free leg at the bunny’s head for another enziguri. Muffles CATCHEES that leg, as well! With both legs hooked the bunny falls backward and tosses Canon face first into the cell with a catapult!! Canon SLAMS into the side of the cell…he staggers around, holding his face~
Smith: And just like that the entire complexion of this match has changed
Hood: FEAR THE BUNNY
Smith: I certainly would
Hood: I’d hate to catch that fucking bunny in a rest stop restroom…you know what I mean?
Smith: I have no idea what you’re talking about
~Muffles grabs Curt around the waist, from behind. Canon freaks out, realizing he’s hooked. Muffles hoists him up and drops him with a German Suplex! The bunny KIPS up! The crowd is like “HOOOOLY SHIT” Muffles goes for the ladder. We zoom in on Canon’s face…he’s not busted open from the catapult…but his skin is irritated. Muffles snares the ladder~
Smith: And now Muffles is in total control…can you believe how close we are to seeing MUFFLES in the OCW Title scene?
Hood: And here I thought Bifford was the most ridiculous OCW Champion in company history
Smith: Actually that award should probably go to Special K…or Kreller Masters
Hood: Special K all day, every day
~Canon crawls to his feet. He staggers, holding the back of his head. Muffles throws the ladder at Curt. Curt catches the ladder out of instinct. Muffles charges forward with a BIG BOOT! He kicks the ladder right into Canon’s face!! Curt turns around and walks right into the cage!!! He spins around and falls, face first onto the mat. A “MUFFLES” chant begins. The bunny looks at the ladder before looking up at the roof of the cage~
Smith: He’s got a shot…there might be enough time for an escape
Hood: Or, ya know, he could try and pin Canon
Smith: True…excellent point, Hood!
Hood: But, I mean…this is OCW. And in OCW nobody actually gets pinned or submitted in cage matches
~The bunny takes the ladder and places it in the center of the ring. He begins to climb, slowly. Canon rolls over and sits up. Still no blood on the face of the former OCW Champion. He reaches over for the nearby ropes to use as support as he reaches a standing position. He spots Muffles halfway up the ladder. The crowd breaks out a “CANON” chant…energy fills the veins of Curt! He staggers toward a corner, ascending from the inside of the ring. He turns around and looks at the ladder. He’s about the same height from the mat as Muffles. The bunny is paying him zero attention…instead the creature keeps its focus on the door atop the cell. Canon LEAPS off…he soars through the air at Muffles…he reaches out, grabs the bunny’s head and takes him all the way down to the mat with a second SLINGBLADE!!! The ring shakes from the impact!!! The bunny is OUT! Canon rolls around, feeling the impact from his big landing~
Smith: A SUPER slingblade!
Hood: Mother fucker…I always forget how athletic that little guy is
Smith: He’s five feet, four inches…of course he’s athletic!
Hood: True…if he weren’t I guess he’d be TONY THE SPIDER
Smith: Hahaha
~Canon fights to his feet. Muffles is on his back. Canon runs for the ropes…he jumps onto the middle rope and springboards off…he rotates in mid air, flips over and lands on top of Muffles with a Senton!!! Canon goes for the pin. Scruff makes the count~
1!
2!
Kick Out!!
Smith: Nice attempt by Curt…but the bunny’s legs were too strong to keep down
Hood: Okay…which animal has stronger legs…a bunny…or a frog
Smith: Hmm…I gotta go with frog.
Hood: Okay…frog or kangaroo?
Smith: I don’t have time for this nonsense! I already gave you one answer…FROG
Hood: Ribbit
~Canon slaps the mat. But he pushes forward…a man that can’t be held back…just ask LURRR! Canon stands back, poised. Muffles gets to one knee, slowly. Canon sprints forward…he jumps off Muffle’s knee…as soon as he does, Muffles rises to his feet…he catches Canon in midair and throws him with a powerbomb INTO the ladder!!! The ladder flies backward…Canon lands, awkwardly on his ass in the middle of the ring! Muffles stands over Canon…the crowd seems torn at this point…some are booing…others are cheering for the bunny~
Smith: And Muffles again with a freakish show of strength and rehabilitation
Hood: He might be a cyborg. A CYBORG RABBIT
Smith: I don’t think he’s a cyborg
Hood: But do you KNOW he isn’t a cyborg?
Smith: No, I don’t know for sure
~Muffles goes for the ladder. Canon, though is already back on his feet have taken most of the fall on his ass which, for some reason, didn’t impact him as severely. Muffles throws a gigantic right paw into Canon’s head!! Canon staggers…Muffles scoops Curt up and drapes him over his shoulder. He marches toward the corner and tosses Curt up into the air…Canon falls down and SLAMS into the top buckle with Snake Eyes!! Muffles is poised behind Curt. Canon stumbles backward into the waiting arms of the bunny. Muffles hooks Canon and tosses him over his head with a Dragon Suplex!! Canon is folded up, near the ropes. Muffles returns to his feet and heads for the ladder~
Smith: And, for the first time the real threat of defeat looms. Canon is in trouble
Hood: A bunny performing a moved named after a dragon
Smith: Yea?
Hood: CLASSIC OCW BABY
~He sets the ladder up in the center of the ring, positioning it directly underneath the square ‘door’. Muffles begins his climb. The crowd stomps their feet and yell at Canon to get up. He slowly begins to stir…but not near quick enough. Muffles reaches the half way rung. Canon rolls on the apron, wedged up against the cell. Muffles gets over halfway up. Canon sits up, his left hand wrapped around the cell for leverage. Muffles nears the top. Canon pulls himself up. He’s in between the ropes and the cell. He leans forward, against the cell before rolling over and spotting Muffles at the top of the ladder. His eyes bug out. Muffles is messing with the door, trying to get it open~
Smith: He’s close to escaping the cell!
Hood: The fucking bunny is going to win this…isn’t he?
Smith: He’s got to be the favorite at the juncture. However…he’s still got to get down from the top of the cell
Hood: He’s a fucking bunny, man. He’ll just hop down.
~Canon grabs onto the top rope. He jumps up and springboards off! Muffles nearly has the latch to the door undone. Canon flies through the air and he lands on the ladder!!! The ladder starts to tip over with Muffles’ side falling backwards. Muffles bails! He displays tremendous athleticism but rotating one hundred eighty degrees and latching onto the side of the cell! The crowd ‘oohs and aahs’ at the bunny’s athleticism. Canon remains attached to the other side of the ladder. The ladder tips and falls! It lands on the ropes and ricochets off with Canon still holding on!! Using his weight and strength, Canon pulls the ladder back while catching the wave of momentum and he manages…somehow to get the ladder to stand back in the center of the ring! The crowd goes wild!!! Canon looks around, surprised~
Smith: Holy Smokes!! I thought Curt was in for a serious fall!
Hood: The fuck is he looking at…CLIMB!
Smith: Get that door open Canon…you can do it!
Hood: Geezus this guy is the dumbest hall of famer in OCW history!
~Canon scurries up the ladder, working on the door. The latch remains difficult to unhook…TYPICAL PRO WRESTLING TROPE. Finally, he gets the latch undone. We see Muffles scaling the side of the cell. Canon flips the door open. He has to stand on the very top of the ladder to get out. The ladder teeters and totters. Canon holds steady, trying not to fall. He finally LEAPS up…the ladder falls over…but Canon grabs hold of the door and starts to pull himself up. Muffles, meanwhile, continues to climb…reaching the roof of the cell~
Smith: He’s almost free!
Hood: The hell is the bunny doing…did he forget he’s a bunny?
Smith: I honestly stopped trying to figure Muffles out a long time ago
Hood: He’s no monkey…he’s a fucking BUNNY…what’s he going to do now that he’s reached the ceiling of the cell?
~Muffles grabs the ceiling of the cell with his hands…he crawls…he places his feet on the ceiling, hooking them into the grooves of the cell. And, suddenly, in quite possibly the WEIRDEST VISUAL IN OCW HISTORY we get Muffles the Bunny crawling, upside down along the roof of the cage. The crowd chants “OH FUCK! OH FUCK!” Canon’s legs are wiggling as he tries to get all the way out. Muffles is nearing Curt’s legs. He’s reaching out, trying to grab them before Canon can get out. The fans are filled with anxiety~
Smith: Ah! This reminds me of JAWS
Hood: Except instead of a badass Great White Shark attacking a naked, hot blonde we’ve got a rabbit trying to grab Curt Canon’s tiny legs
Smith: Indeed
~Muffles is close enough to grab Curt’s legs. He reaches out…just as he does Canon pulls his body through the square, rolling atop the cell! The crowd cheers! Muffles continues crawling toward the square opening. Canon gets to his feet on top of the cell and looks around. He’s never been in this situation before…he’s suddenly the TALLEST person in the WORLD! He throws his arms up and runs around, taking it all in. The crowd chants “CANON! CANON!”~
Smith: A nice moment for the Hall of Famer
Hood: What an idiot! Get down from there and win the fucking thing!
Smith: Sometimes it’s nice to stop and smell the roses, Hood
Hood: Not when a six foot tall BUNNY is chasing after you
~Canon takes a bow for the fans. Behind him we see Muffles crawling through the hole and standing atop the cell. Canon turns around and is SHOCKED to see Muffles. He falls on his ass from the surprise. Muffles stalks him. Canon throws his hands up, begging Muffles to not hurt him. Muffles doesn’t relent…he moves forward and snares Canon by the hair~
Smith: And now he’s in trouble
Hood: That’s what he gets for running around like he’d just won the freakin super bowl.
Smith: Call me crazy but I find it endearing…a man who’s been in the sport for this long still taking time to enjoy these moments
Hood: You Are CRAZY
~Muffles head butts the diminutive Canon a few times, staggering the former champion. Canon is reeling. Muffles grabs Canon by the arms and signals out for the crowd…half PRO BUNNY crowd goes wild. Muffles yanks Canon forward for IL TAV ID. Canon ducks!! Muffles stumbles forward and turns around. Canon leaps backwards with a Pele Kick! Muffles catches Canon and drops him with a Tombstone on top of the cage!! The Muffles fans go wild. The Canon fans groan with disappointment~
Smith: Ouch…this isn’t looking good
Hood: Of course not…it’s a two hundred pound bunny against Curt Canon
Smith: He was looking strong for a while, though
Hood: That’s the story of Canon’s career…just about the time you buy stock in the guy he lets you down
~Muffles motions to the crowd…he starts to do the bunny hope atop the cage. Some fans are nervous the top of the cell might collapse. It, however, appears STRONG AS OAK. Muffles stops near Canon…he leaps into the air and drives an elbow directly into Canon’s chest. The Muffles fans go wild! The bunny gets back to his feet…he locks wrist control on both of Canon’s arms…peeling the Hall of Famer off the roof of the cell~
Smith: And this one is just about over
Hood: Muffles into the OCW Title picture…hello darkness my old friend!
~Muffles has Canon in position…he yanks Curt forward and DRILLS him with IL TAV ID!!! Canon goes limp, collapsing onto the roof of the cage. Muffles stands over the beaten OCW Hall of Famer. The crowd urges him to do something. We hear a SCREECH! Muffles turns and spots CHECKERS running down the aisle and scaling the cell~
Smith: And Canon’s ally is here to help!
Hood: FOR THE LOVE…NOT THE FUCKING MONKEY!
Smith: So much for keeping Checkers out of this
Hood: Doesn’t this stupid primate grasp the concept of the food chain. Tiny simians do NOT go after two hundred pound mammals.
~Checkers scales the cell in record time! He reaches the top and lunges at Muffles. Muffles performs a spinning MULE KICK and DRILLS Checkers!! Checkers flies backwards, clearing the side of the cage. The simian SCREECHES all the way down, landing with a sad THUD in the dirt. The entire crowd is stunned into silence. Muffles stands at the edge of the cage, looking down at the tiny monkey’s body. He isn’t moving~
Smith: CHECKERS!!
Hood: Finally
Smith: Seriously?
Hood: Look man…monkeys, bunnies, SPIDERS…enough is enough…time to trim the fucking fat around here
~Canon’s body starts to shake. The Curt fans in the crowd go wild. He starts to get up. It’s as though Checkers’ injury has agitated something within the Hall of Famer. He reaches his feet and walks up behind Muffles who is still looking down at Checkers. Curt extends both hands, grabbing the ears of the Bunny!! He pulls back, hooks Muffles’ head and he drops Muffles on top of the cell with the Canon Cutter!!! The tent explodes!!! Both men are down, on top of the cell as Canon’s energy has dipped all the way back to zero~
Smith: Curt Canon experiencing a rush of adrenaline…a much needed rush of adrenaline!
Hood: No shit, it’s like he ate some spinach or something
Smith: You’re comparing him to Popeye? I think he’d take that!
Hood: I wouldn’t…means you’d have to fuck Olive Oil and…ewww
~Both men are down for a while. The crowd is split with dueling Muffles and Canon chants. Curt finally rolls over. He shoves Muffles onto his back. He grabs the Bunny’s ears and pulls them into the cage, between two openings. He starts to tie a knot~
Smith: Curt Canon…thinking…outside the box?
Hood: More like outside the CAGE
Smith: Not your best
Hood: Hey, I’m calling a match featuring a giant bunny and a pet monkey…cut me some slack
~Canon finally finishers. He sits up and crawls toward the edge of the cell. He starts to make his way down. Muffles starts to sit up…but can’t! His ears are tied around the roof of the cell. The bunny kicks his legs and waves his arms, trying to discern what’s happened. The crowd is fully behind Canon now. They are cheering him down. He’s halfway down the side of the cell. Muffles reaches back, feeling his bound ears. He works to untie them. Canon reaches the bottom of the cell and he hops off, into the dirt!!! The crowd cheers! The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner….CURT CANON!!!!!
Smith: He did it!! Canon did it!
Hood: I never thought I’d say this…but Curt Canon out smarted someone
Smith: Yes…yes he did!
Hood: I mean…technically it was a RABBIT…but, still, he outsmarted someone…or something
Smith: And now he’s in the OCW Title picture…after nearly twenty years Curt Canon is in OCW Title contention!
Hood: Are we coming full circle? Does this mean OCW is near its end?
~Canon stumbles to his feet, exhausted. He heads for Checkers. Inside the ring we see OCW staff climbing up the ladder to help Muffles untie his ears. Canon bends kneels next to Checkers. He strokes the little guy’s hair. He picks Checkers up, into his arms and carries him out of the pit. The fans clap and let out a thunderous “CHECKERS” chant. Curt, with his head bowed, exits the tent with an unconscious Checkers in his arms~
Hood: WE? Don’t include me in that…I hope the fucker is dead. It’s time for Canon to grow up. He’s in OCW Title contention…we don’t need no CHECKERS hanging around that belt
Smith: You are an evil man.
~We cut back to the OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: Curt Canon with the big win against Muffles the Bunny! An epic match inside a steel cage. Can Curt Canon pull off the win this Sunday at Quarantined? Make sure you tune in to find out!!~
~We return to the OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: Folks we are less than one week away from Quarantined. Prison Yard Match...four rings, four cages...ONE OCW Champion. Let’s see how the progress is coming along inside the OCW Arena…
~We cut to the OCW Arena. The four rings are set in place. Together they make a giant scare. Each ring is now surrounded by a cage. The walls surrounded the outside of the four rings as well as separate each from from one another. It’s a ginormous, steeled event. The arena lights shine down, shimmering off the sharp, steel belonging to the cages. The OCW workers stand back, looking at their accomplishment. We cut back to the OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: And there it is...The Prison Yard Match. Four rings. Four steel cages. One OCW Champion. The steel beast has been constructed...now, eight wrestlers shall enter into its belly and compete. Was that metaphor too ridiculous? Who cares...up next...an interview with Bram!
~And we return to the OCW Studio where Cheasy M is nodding his head to the quirky, stock Piledriver theme. The lights return to their on-air brightness and he looks up, smiling~
Cheasy M: Alllright, we’re back and it’s that time of the week. Interview time! This week’s guest is none other than Brim! The most mysterious of the eight competitors. The man with the least in-ring footage. He’s emerged as a strong contender to not only place in this match...but to win the whole, darn thing.
~Our view expands to find Brim seated to the left of Cheasy~
Cheasy M: Brim, buddy, thanks so much for joining us here on Piledriver!
Brim: What's up Cheasy? It's about time that you had a real one on the show.
Cheasy M: Right on. My man!
~Cheasy extends a fist. Brim looks at it. Cheasy pulls his fist back~
Cheasy M: Between you, me, and the tv...you were the first guest I wanted on this show. But, politics, am I right? Anyway...gotta say, when you signed with OCW I was like 'Who?'. With all these other big names, your acquisition was, well, less than herald. UNheralded, even! But, man, since the minute you opened your mouth you've done nothing but impress. How do you feel about people overlooking you heading into Quarantined? And, is that motivation fueling you to get their attention?
~Brim smirks at Cheasy M's comments.~
Brim: Being overlooked isn't shit new for me. I'm the type of cat who if you were to place me in a room with at least a hundred folks, you wouldn't even blink twice at me standing beside you. I mean, let's be honest.. I was "officially-unofficially" signed to GCWA.
~Brim makes air quotes with his fingers.~
Brim: A place where majority of the competitors in this match also were formerly employed. And there are questions about who exactly it is that I am. Well at Quarantined, in this Prison Yard Match.. by the time that it's all said and over with, no one and I mean no one will be overlooking me again.
~He stops for a moment to think before looking back over at Cheasy M.~
Brim: Who the fuck am I kidding? That's like saying a monkey isn't gonna dig in it's own ass.
~Cheasy M nods his head~
Cheasy M: Monkeys are notorious ass diggers. No doubt. I've been paying close attention to your words, Brim...as I said, I'm a fan. And it seems as though you've got your sights set on Peter Vaughn and Mike Zybala. Are you concerned that maybe you're focusing too much on the Outsider duo? And, if you could pick one of the aforementioned two to be placed in a cage with to start the match...who would it be?
~Brim scratches his chin, taking a moment to even adjust the mic that's attach to the collar of his shirt~
Brim: Of course I'm concerned, there are five other men in this thing. All seven of them capable of walking out with the OCW Championship. If I were to take ANY of them lightly and my big ass would probably be staring up at the lights.
~Brim shakes his head in denial.~
Brim: I'd be damn if I let myself get caught slipping because of a personal grudge. And if I had to pick between one or the other, it really wouldn't matter to me. You see, if you couldn't tell by looking at me... I don't have time to be sprinting marathons with any of these men inside of this prison deal. My only focus is running through the competition in hopes of holding that top prize. Anything else would basically be a bust. No disrespect to this company. But, to answer YOUR question.. like I stated before, I could care less who's standing in front of me when this shit kicks off.
~Cheasy nods. His eyes narrow as though he's thinking very deeply.~
Cheasy M: Right. Well you certainly have the size advantage heading into this match, there's no doubt about that. I'm not sure if you're aware but the Vegas Oddsmakers recently bumped you from near the bottom to the upper half of the list. Things seem to be trending in a positive direction when it comes to people's perception of your chances to win this thing. Does this give you confidence? Is there a fear of overconfidence? Or, are the odds something you just block out, entirely?
~Brim smirks again.~
Brim: Those kinda things don't bother me. The only odds that matters to me are the 1 outta 8 odds that I face come Quarantined. I'm a firm believer in not placing to much stock into anything until that final whistle blows.
~Cheasy agrees.~
Cheasy M: Gotta say, I'm liking your attitude more and more. Now, not to touch on a sensitive subject, but do you think your past confinement will aid you in anyway heading into a match where you're locked inside a steel cage?
~Brim's mood shifts as he intensely stares at Cheasy M~
Brim: The only thing that my confinement helped me with was coming to the actual realization of what exactly being stir crazy was. Not only that, imagine being caged up right across the way from someone who is willing to rip your throat out just for the sake of their freedom. Hell, some of em are never going anywhere. But with this cage match, I guess you could say that it has made me more equipped to expect the unexpected.
~Cheasy nods.~
Cheasy M: I'd imagine so. We're just about out of time...you got any parting shots? predictions for this Sunday you'd like to lay down before we wrap things up?
~Brim ponders for a moment.~
Brim: The only thing that I have to say is that after June 20th.. The question will no longer be who?
~Cheasy smiles, stacking his papers.~
Cheasy M: There's no doubt about that. Brim, it's been a pleasure. Good luck on June 20th at Quarantined!
~Brim nods~
Brim: It's all good Cheasy, we gonna have to do this again.
Cheasy M: Right on, my man!
~Cheasy extends his fist...a second time. Brim looks at him again~
Brim: I mean.. we're cool.. but not that cool. I'll holla at ya.
~Brim stands up and exits from the set. Cheasy, fist still in the air...awkwardly opens it up and does some strange half wave, half salute, half point...yes, three halves. He smiles and looks into the camera~
Cheasy M: That's Brim, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be one of 8 wrestlers competing in the Prison Yard Match this Sunday at Quarantined for a shot to walk out OCW Champion! Stay tuned as more Piledriver is coming at ya, after this commercial break!
Check out Ed Houston's Third Quarantined Promo
"On The Farm Pt2"
~We cut back to OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: Joining us on again is Dr. Lawrence Goldblum.
~A split screen pops up showing Dr. Goldblum on the right, wearing his white jacket, and his glasses nearly falling of the tip of his nose.~
Cheasy M: Hello Dr. Goldblum are you back to try and raise out insurance premiums and further damage the public image of OCW?
Dr. Goldblum: No, what I am here to do is to urge Who’re, or whoever is in charge of talent relations to not allow Christian Cain to compete at Quarantined. Mr. Cain has left the hospital against my orders and states that he plans to compete, and I believe this will severally put his life in danger.
Cheasy M: Well Doctor, every time a wrestler steps into the ring they are putting their health in danger, it is a combat sport just like boxing or MMA.
Dr. Goldblum: Mr. M, I am afraid for Mr. Cain’s life, and at very least his future mental health.
Cheasy M: Haha, Well, we all know Outcast has mental health problems, but look around OCW, Peter Vaughn, Mike Zybala, and Xavier Lux, we are full of people with mental health issues.
Dr. Goldblum: Mr. M, this is no laughing matter, this is…
~The feed with Dr. Goldblum cuts off to static.~
Cheasy M: Hm, it appears something happened with Dr. Goldblum’s feed, we will try and get him back on.
~The static clears but instead of Dr. Goldblum it is Outcast. Outcast’s face is marred with anger.~
Cheasy M Hey, it’s Ou…
Outcast: SHUT UP! You want to give that doctor a platform, huh what a surprise, a doctor given time on television to spread false medical information. Here’s the deal, nothing, and I mean nothing short of death is going to stop me from making it to Quarantined. Then when those cell doors shut, death will be the only thing that will stop me from taking that OCW championship. Injuries, issues, this or that, it does;’t f**king matter because I will fight until my last breath. I WILL FIGHT UNTIL I CAN’T!
~Outcast’s hand covers the camera and the scene goes black.~
Check Out Mike Zybala's Third Quarantined Promo
"Episode III: The Revenge Of The Hobos"
~And we’re back!! OCW Studio! Cheasy M is sitting next to Leo the High School Intern. He’s ready to break down some promos. So, let’s get it going!~
Cheasy M: Alright, Leo! Welcome back...how about we break down some promos, eh?
Leo the High School Intern: Sure. I mean, that’s why I’m here.
Cheasy M: Well then let’s do it. How bout Xavier Lux...what’s going on with him?
Leo the High School Intern: Okay. Xavier is very angry toward his father. He traveled to Key West which, I suppose, all of these wrestlers did...and he made it a point to express his anger.
Cheasy M: How so?
Leo the High School Intern: Well, he broke into the OCW Hall of Fame and sorta torched the place down. He battered his knuckles by pummeling the bust of his father, the legendary Scorpion. There is no love lost between those two. If Lux were to win the OCW Title it would be...well, interesting.
Cheasy M: He burned the Hall of Fame down? I gotta imagine current hall of famers aren’t happy about that!
Leo the High School Intern: Indeed not. Speaking of unhappy...Peter Vaughn continues to struggle with his new found identity. He’s so violently disillusioned that he beat up his friend, Warthog.
Cheasy M: Well, to be fair, Warthog kinda had it coming. Ya know, being half wart and half hog.
Leo the High School Intern: Whatever that means. Vaughn is a completely different person than what we’re used to. He’s going to be a wildcard come Sunday. Meanwhile, Outcast...he seems to have found the motivation to fight.
Cheasy M: Yea?
Leo the High School Intern: Yes...he may have been ‘down and out’ in a hospital...but he was able to find a source of motivation. Strong enough to get him out of bed and focused on becoming the next OCW Champion.
Cheasy M: Good to haer...if you’re an Outcast fan. I also heard Ed suplexed a pig.
Leo the High School Intern: Yes, Ed finally suplexed the pig. He also learned his way around the ‘ranch’ and earned his stipend. He’s as focused as I can remember. The rocketman is ready to blast off at Quarantined.
Cheasy M: Zybala?
Leo the High School Intern: He’s working it out in his own ‘zybala’ way. But I do think he’s finally coming to grips with the fact that Vaughn won’t be his ally on Sunday.
Cheasy M: And what about Dylan Thomas?
Leo the HIgh School Intern: Dylan is arrogant. There’s no denying that. And, I think his arrogance cost him in GCWA. However...I think he’s focused and taking this Prison Yard Match seriously. I really think Dylan Thomas has a shot at winning.
Cheasy M: Well thanks, Leo. These promo reviews are swell.
Leo the High School Intern: Thanks. I apologize to Brim and Canon. The guy controlling me was on vacation and didn’t get a chance to read and review their work...whatever that means.
Cheasy M: Terrific...well, let’s cut to a commercial. When we come back...the updated rankings!
Check out Dylan Thomas' Third Quarantined Promo
"Tangling with Sharks| Heading to prison 2| Dylan 3"
~Xavier exits the Hall of Fame wing, and realizing he can't go the way he came from he heads towards the back and goes up to the 3rd floor instead looking for away to maybe jump out. Here he runs into a room which is talking about the evolution of the OCW titles, and there he sees the new four championships: Craze, Paradigm, Savage, and the ultimate goal, the OCW Championship. He stops his exit and goes inside to take a closer look.~
Xavier Lux: The former Hardcore and TV titles as well as the upgraded OCW Championship and the newly created Paradigm title. 3 of these 4 were held by Scorpion; the one he didn't get his hands on was the paradigm alone so you would think that would be the title I would like to win or go after since it would be just another thing I've done that he hasn't. Craze would just be a consolation prize, so I can't consider it. Savage is fitting for me, my style is violent, my style IS savage, it would fit me like a glove but no. I'm not sure how the order of these go after the World Title, but like I said many times already, winning the World title is the goal. I want to show that in one night I can do what he never did. Just like all of my 7 opponents have never done. Sure, some have won this title before, but none of them have done it on their first match in OCW. I want to be that guy, I want to be the World Champion from day one ish.
Vaughn is not stopping me.
Canon? Nah.
Brim? Nope.
Houston? No.
Zybala? negative.
Dylan Thomas? No way.<
and Outcast? Ha, OH HELL NO!
None of these so called 'men' will stop me. I am here to burn OCW to the ground, I started with their hall of fame, and at Quarantined, I will end it with their top superstars. ~Xavier goes to grab one of the titles but thinks better of it and leaves the room, back to trying to find an exit. The camera focuses on the title he almost touched and then fades to black. We cut back to the OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: And we're back! Xavier Lux with some strong words. He wants to win the OCW Title on day one...do something nobody has ever done. It would, certainly, one up his father.
~The camera angle cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: Lux is a serious contender. One of the favorites. However, there are 8 strong contenders all vying to claim the OCW Title this Sunday at Quarantined. Fans, we are less than a week away...let's take a look at the updated standings.
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~We cut back to the OCW Studio~
Cheasy M: As you can see, Dylan Thomas retains the top spot. Xavier Lux with a strong move, tying Mike Zybala for the second spot. Peter Vaughn holding strong at #3. Outcast sits tight at #4. Brim with a nice jump from last to 5th. And, rounding it out, are Ed Houston and Curt Canon.
~The camera angle shifts. As does Cheasy~
Cheasy M: Those are the rankings. They will play a role in where you're ranked when the next show is booked. If you'd like to increase your ranking...segments newswire posts, cd pieces, show reviews...all of that and more can boost your numbers.
~Another cut. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: And that's about it for tonight folks. Remember...Quarantined is THIS Sunday. 8 of the best wrestlers competing for the biggest prize in the game. Don't miss it. Order it now...it's a match unlike any other...don't be left out!
~We're given one, final ad for Quarantined. We fade to black~