Wednesday, January 26th, 2022
Live from the OCW Studio
And it’s Wednesday! Once again!
Hump! HUMP! HUMPPPP!
Humpday, right?
All this humpin can only mean one thing...it’s Piledriver!
And it’s not just ANY Piledriver...it’s the Pre-PPV Piledriver!
Woo, that’s a lot of P’s.
Perfect Paul Paras would be proud.
EVEN MORE P’S
Access Denied is THIS Sunday.
So, it’s time to toss it to the OCW Studio where Cheasy M is chilling, ready to tell us what we can expect on Sunday as well as giving us a look back on what we witnessed at our last Pay Per View event.
Let’s go!
~We cut to the OCW Studio. Cheasy M slaps the desk with his hands, happy as always. Dude digs his job~
Cheasy M: Hello everyone and welcome back to Wednesday Night Piledriver! With this being a pre-PPV episode I’m afraid it’s gonna be rather short. But, as always, if you’re jonesing for some OCW action you can always head over to OCW 24/7 for promos and whatnot. It’s all there!
~Cheasy winks after the plug~
Cheasy M: But tonight is about getting you all hyped for Sunday. So, let’s get started.
Cheasy M: That’s right, OCW is kicking things off with Mike Zybala’s Outsiders Battle Royal. 8 competitors will do battle with an opportunity to compete at OCW’s next PPV event on the line. Who are the 8 competitors? Well, let’s take a quick look.
~Cheasy gets a piece of paper~
Cheasy M: Starting things off is 12. He’s the son of an OCW legend. Which legend? He won’t say. He’s apparently a good athlete, playing minor league baseball. He’s hoping to find success in OCW just like his father...whoever that was.
~Cheasy scratches 12 off the list~
Cheasy M: Next up we have DADBOD. Dadbod found a cult following when he entered the Margarita Mix last year. He teamed with Vicky Stone and quickly stole the hearts of OCW faithful. Sadly, his team lost in the first round. But, Dadbod will not let his dream die. He’s back looking to earn a spot on the OCW roster.
~Another name off the list~
Cheasy M: And that brings us to El Knuckle! The mysterious El Knuckle...although he may not be THAT mysterious. There are a lot of people suggesting he’s Thunder Knuckles...former OCW Tag Champion. Hmmmmm...he also wears a mask and might have the worst physique in this match. Which is saying something...yea, I’m looking at you, Dadbod.
~Another game down~
Cheasy M: Then there’s Fanny! Fantasia, as she’s known by some. Fanny earned fame by starting up a fan club for her favorite wrestler, The Wizard. She enjoyed it so much that she’s tried her hand at wrestling a few times. Sadly, each time fame has been a little too much for Fanny to handle...forcing her to turn to drugs. But, she’s back and she appears to be relatively clean and coherent. So here’s to Fanny giving it her all!
~Four names gone. Four to go~
Cheasy M: Max Rotten might be the nastiest competitor in this match. He’s rumored to be related to a couple of hardcore icons. Bearing an apropos last name, Max is looking to work his way into OCW so he can further the legacy he’s rumored to be connected with.
~Max gets scratched away~
Cheasy M: A favorite? Well, don’t tell Meghan Strader that! Sure, she might have the biggest name and longest resume on this list, but she’s getting up in age and has some serious health concerns. Family members and friends are more than a little worried over her inclusion but...you can’t keep a fierce competitor away for too long. Meghan has the fire to take this thing...will her body hold up?
~Only a few names to go~
Cheasy M: If you’re looking for confidence then look no further than Mike Mason. Mason looked like a sure fire contender to go all the way in the Margarita Mix. Sadly, his partner let him down. Now, he’s back. The man’s got everything a pro wrestling promoter desires...looks, athleticism, and wit. Can he put them all together on Sunday and earn a roster spot? If so, it’d be ironic given his nickname is Marvelous. The same used by OCW’s #1 contender, Mario Maurako.
~And we get to the last name~
Cheasy M: Which brings us to the lone representative of Monday Night Equality, Whisper Mendoza. She’s looking to hit the big time on Sunday by winning the Outsider’s Battle Royal. Can Whisper Mendoza silence the critics and continue to CRUSH misogyny? She’ll get her chance.
~Cheasy tosses the paper over his head~
Cheasy M: 8 relative unknowns all vying to become a star. It’ll kick the night off on Sunday...Zybala’s Outsider’s getting prime time exposure. Be sure to tune in as you won’t want to miss this one!
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: Once Zybala’s Outsider’s have had their moment, we’ll take you all LIVE to the Grenier Family Farm in Canada (GREAT NATION TO THE NORTH)! It’s on that very farm where Bob Grenier will return to OCW and face ‘The Brat Prince’ Gideon Cross.
~Cheasy takes a beat~
Cheasy M: While there isn’t anything on the line, technically...this match looms large for both men. Should Bob Grenier win, he will more than likely vault right back into the main event scene. However, if Gideon were to pull off the win then he’d go from an impressive rookie to a prime time player in one evening. It’s the type of victory that could launch an entire career.
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: These two will compete in an Iroquois Falls Street Fight. Basically, an all out war on the Grenier property. It’ll be cold. There’ll be snow. And there’ll be around 2000 locals in attendance to support the hometown hero. It’s a huge mountain for Gideon to climb...but if he can do it, straight to the top he’ll rocket.
~Another cut. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: And this is where the titles and title shots come into play. Chad Vargas and Curt Canon are set to do battle...two Hall of Famers meeting in the ring for, as best as I can recall, the first time ever. Or, well, kinda. There won’t be a ring as much as there’ll be a fenced area on the streets of Detroit containing two of OCW’s most famous stars.
~Cheasy takes a beat~
Cheasy M: What’s at stake? A shot at the OCW Title. Whoever wins this match will, I’m told, get a 1 on 1 shot at the OCW Champion in March. Why March? Well, OCW has a big pyramid match they want to pull off in February. More on that in a second.
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: Canon and Vargas are breaking in a brand new match concept. It’s an Emperor’s Gambit...a match contested within a fenced area. Two sets of monkey bars criss crossing overhead. At their intersection rests the briefcase containing the contract for the OCW Title shot. In order to win, a wrestler most obtain the case and exit the fenced area with it in their possession. This match was created in honor of OCW’s favorite monkey, Checkers. There’ll be a lot of pressure on Curt to honor his deceased pet monkey and, of course, there’ll be nobody more eager to ruin the evening than Chad Vargas himself. This one is sure to be an instant classic!
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy: Hey! Did ya hear? OCW is accepting applications. Or, at least the process of submitting applications. Curious about joining? Well, let’s cut to some homemade advertising to lure you in!
~And like that we are swept away to a local city council meeting. We’re not sure what city we’re in...but it’s pretty local. Citizens seated, listening while some elected official talks about numbers and hopes and dreams and goals and whatever the fuck kinda shit that they’ll never be able to come through on. Once she’s finished speaking, she takes a few questions~
Councilperson: Yes, Miss Adams.
Miss Adams: I’m wondering what you guys are going to do about the dead dog on sixth street. It’s been there for three days now and startin to smell. It’s horrible to look at. Can someone please remove it!
~A man jumps up~
Man: What kinda dog is it?
~He’s wearing a sweater with a picture of a Lab on it and the words “Have you seen fluffy?” with a contact number beneath it~
Miss Adams: It’s a…
~Miss Adams pauses when she sees the man’s shirt. The man recognizes the look and he breaks down in tears~
Councilperson: Okay, okay, everybody relax. We’ll get it cleaned up for you, Miss Adams. And we’ll look into the identity of the animal...maybe it’s a rottweiler.
~A person stands up...it’s LEO from OCW~
Councilperson: Sir?
LEO: Yea, what the hell even is all this gibberish? You guys talking about dead dogs and road signs meanwhile the mcflurry machine at the only mcdonalds remains out of service...I WANT JUSTICE.
Councilperson: This is a city council meeting. Do you have a point?
LEO: I do, actually.
~Leo holds up a giant sign that advertises OCW~
LEO: Join OCW! Join OCW today!! Right here, head on over to www.onlinechampionshipwrestling.com/join.html Fill out our application and take part in lots of in ring action!
Councilperson: SIR this is not the time nor the place for such flippant advertisement.
LEO: C’mon and join! Access Denied is on Sunday and we’ve got a super cool pay per view event planned for February!! Let’s go! JOIN
Councilperson: SIR! Authorities, please escort this crazy man out!
~A few officers approach Leo~
LEO: They may silence my voice. But they’ll never silence...MY SPIRIT! JOIN OCW TODAY!
~Several people pull out their phones and visit the OCW site as Leo is dragged away. The councilperson clears her throat. She sees everyone surfing their phones so...she does as well. We fade out~
~We return to Piledriver~
Cheasy M: And we’re back!
Cheasy M: Another big match this Sunday is a Contender’s match between Erin Gordon and The Lost Stranger! TLS and Erin have gone back and forth this month with TLS calling her an unfit mother and likening her to the basketball player, Aaron Gordon. I don’t really know why.
~Cheasy shrugs~
Cheasy M: Erin, meanwhile, won a giant elephant at OCW’s white elephant exchange over the Christmas season. The elephant is named Gregory and I’m told he’s very popular backstage so long as he isn’t defecating everywhere.
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: These two will battle it out on a Rooftop. The match will likely be very high and very dangerous. The winner will get their choice...a shot at the TransAtlantic Championship or a shot at the Craze Title. Totally up to them. TLS hasn’t held OCW gold in nearly 6 years. Erin Gordon has NEVER held OCW gold. So, this is a huge opportunity for both.
~Another camera cut. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: And here’s a big one, folks. On any other night this might be the headliner. But, at Access Denied, it’s merely one of several main event quality matches. Mike Zybala was once owner of this proud promotion. However, ownership was stolen out from under him by his dreaded doppelganger, Mike ZyBALDa. ZyBALDa sold OCW to Gregory Poblano for a lot of money. Now, Zybala is trying to get his promotion back.
~Cheasy takes a beat~
Cheasy M: BRIM is another wrestler who feels screwed. He feels he should have never lost his Savage Championship. So, when Poblano approached BRIM about facing Zybala for him, BRIM had just one request. Give him his Savage Championship if he wins. Poblano agreed. However...there’s been some issues.
Cheasy M: Yep, Supreme Machine is still in possession of the OCW Savage Championship. And, Marcus Welsh hasn’t been too eager to reclaim it. In fact, last we saw Marcus Welsh he was calling the BELTSMITH. What’s all this mean? Let’s take a look.
~We cut backstage where Welsh is staring at the Savage Title. But, it’s super new looking...almost TOO new looking. He picks it up and the leather makes a horrid squeaking sound, like it’s never been manipulated or moved around. Welsh drops it. He stares down at it and starts to punch it with his fists. His door opens. Cap Slock enters~
Cap Slock: SIR
Marcus Welsh: Holy shit...you scared me!
~Welsh grabs the belt and hurriedly crams it into the bag it came in~
Cap Slock: I SEE YOU GOT THE BELT FROM SUPREME MACHINE. THAT HAD TO BE TOUGH.
Marcus Welsh: Not really, no. He was very amenable. A super laid back guy. I asked for him to give it, told him it was ours, not his and he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry, here you go.”
~Cap Slock stares at Welsh. That doesn’t SOUND like SuMa~
Marcus Welsh: Totally what happened. Already told Mr. Poblano. We’re good to go with the Savage Title.
~Cap Slock nods. We cut back to Cheasy M~
Cheasy M: So, apparently Marcus Welsh got the Savage Title back from Supreme Machine...but that title looked pretty new, to me. He wouldn’t have...he couldn’t have...did he?
~Cheasy realizes he’s treading on dangerous ground. So, he stops and focuses back on the match~
Cheasy M: Regardless, BRIM will receive a Savage Title if he defeats Mike Zybala on Sunday. But, he’ll have to survive Zybala’s Inferno to do it...three stages of Zybala madness. Outsiders. Exile Island and, finally, The Garden of Betrayal. If he can defeat Zybala in two of those three settings, he will get the Savage Title. Now, how does Supreme Machine feel about this? Well, if Welsh is to be believed, he’s very okay with giving his title back. But, if you’re asking me...there’s more to this story.,
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: Which brings us to our first championship match of the night...or, well, guaranteed championship match! Ed Houston defeated three competitors last month at Death March to earn the Craze Title...his third Craze Championship victory. This month, it gets no easier...this month he faces the newest member of the OCW Hall of Fame, PerZag.
~Cheasy takes a beat~
Cheasy M: PerZag was named to the OCW Hall of Fame to cap off a great 2021 year for the promotion. An honor long overdue for The Worthiest of Them All. After his induction, PerZag released a statement that he was going to return to the ring to further his legacy. And, well, OCW rewarded his competitive loyalty by giving him a match against Ed Houston.
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: Now, normally the champion would have the advantage in this situation. But, this is OCW and you know how OCW is. This match is a No Fly Zone Match meaning no aerial maneuvers. This stipulation hurts Ed far more than it does PerZag, given most of Ed’s offense is through the air. So, can Ed Houston adjust or will PerZag return to the championship winner’s circle in his return match? We’ll find out on Sunday!
~The camera cuts. Cheasy adjusts~
Cheasy M: Now, let’s relive Ed’s championship victory inside Sub Zero conditions at Death March. This match airs for the first time on public television!
~We cut outside the Snowking Festival. A giant box is nestled into the thick, high snow. The OCW logo is faint, barely readable due to the frost, ice, and snow building up on top of and around the box. But, it’s clear...this is an OCW manufactured and maneuvered apparatus. And, well, I think we can all guess it’s purpose. It sits several hundred feet from the Festival...isolated. Belvedere’s voice booms out over some strategically placed speakers~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen...it is now time for the SUB ZERO MATCH.
~The fans go wild...they’re all inside the Snowking Festival...where, ya know, they won’t freeze to death. A snowmobile drives ahead, through the snow...it pulls a ring shaped sled. Inside is a man covered head to toe in gear suitable for the conditions. On the back, we see a rocket taking off~
Belvedere: The rules for this match are simple. All four competitors will begin inside the Sub Zero Box. The temperature will start out at a BRISK 32 degrees, Fahrenheit.
~The canadians lose their minds~
Canadians: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FAHRENHEIT.
Belvedere: It’s the standard temperature.
Canadians: WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING...NEVER...NEVER EVER.
Belvedere: Well, in the United States of America, we measure things in Fahrenheit.
Canadians: AMERICA WILL NOT TAKE OVER OUR GREAT NATION TO THE NORTH. THERE WILL BE NO FAHRENHEIT.
~The Canadians are standing firm. They seem strong. Their national pride will not be trampled upon by these southern, american visitors~
Belvedere: Really?
Canadians: YES WE ARE PRETTY SURE WE WILL NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS.
Belvedere: Because it says…
Canadians: OKAY FINE YOU CAN USE FAHRENHEIT JUST PLEASE STOP YELLING AT US.
Belvedere: Oh, okay. That…
Canadians: WE’RE SORRY, OKAY? WE DON’T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO US. TOO MUCH MAPLE SYRUP.
Belvedere: That’s quite alright. Anyway...it will begin at a BRISK 32 degrees Fahrenheit…
~Belvedere waits. The Canadians bow to the American unit of measuring temperature~
Belvedere: And, every minute after the match begins, the temperature will drop. Competitors are free to leave at any point, if the conditions are too harsh. However, if they do, they are eliminated from the match. Eliminations also occur via pinfall or submission. The last wrestler standing will walk out the OCW Craze Champion!!!
~Houston steps out of the tiny ring sled. He hops off the side of the tiny ring into the snow...he’s given a great shock as he sinks waist deep into the snow. If we could see his face, his expression would probably be something like “well, this sucks.”~
Belvedere: Introducing first...from Miami, Florida...standing 5’9 and weighing in at 175lbs...he is a former Paradigm and Craze Champion...he is...Ed Houston!!!
~Houston can’t move. The man on the snowmobile tosses some rope his way. Ed grabs it and he’s pulled out of the snow.. The fans go wild. Houston carefully slithers back to the tiny ring and crawls inside. The fans cheer for his sleuthing. A giant, concrete door opens...snow slides into the structure. Ed looks around...there’s only one way in, that he can figure...so he dives over the top rope and slides, front first down the tiny snow hill, into the box. The fans give him a huge ovation!!! He pops to his feet inside the box...he finds a cold, menacing concrete box with a ring in the middle. The ring looks to be frozen solid...his chest heaves as he takes in the cold, daunting task~
Smith: That doesn’t look fun.
Hood: Yea, Welsh took the 2015 concept and ramped it up to an eleven.
Smith: At least Ed made it inside.
Hood: I don’t know what the fuck BRIM is gonna do.
~Ed’s snowmobile drives away. Another approaches through the thick, driving snow. We zoom in to find BRIM inside the tiny ring-sled. He’s covered head to toe, like Ed. These guys aren’t stupid. His snowmobile pulls up next to the box. He looks inside...he looks down the tiny snow hill that feeds into the rectangular opening which leads into total darkness, from his perspective~
Belvedere: Introducing next...from Baltimore, Maryland...standing 6’3 and weighing in at 385lbs...he is a former OCW Savage Champion...he is...BRIM!!!
~The fans hold their breath...unsure how BRIM’s gonna achieve this entrance~
Smith: He’s made it this far.
Hood: C’mon, BRIM!
~BRIM stands on the tiny apron of the ring-sled. He jumps forward...the big man reminds us all how athletic he is, hitting that snow hill and sliding into the box...however, his near 400 lbs of weight shift the snow quite a bit. Inside, Ed looks around...he hears something, he spins and is toppled by a bunch of snow piling in from BRIM’s slide~
Smith: Ed’s been covered by snow!
Hood: How the hell are these guys gonna compete?
Smith: Very, very coldly.
~BRIM stands and shakes himself off. Houston fights through the pile of snow and looks up...BRIM scoffs and turns his back to Ed, getting away from the entrance. He won’t make Ed’s mistake. Houston fights through the snow, returning to his feet...he finds the other side of the ring, opposite BRIM...they stare at each other, through their goggles...through the ropes, across the ring~
Smith: A lot of clothing covering those two men. Think they can compete with it all on?
Hood: You eager for them to disrobe, Smith?
Smith: That’s not what I meant.
Hood: You want them to TAKE IT OFF? Eh? TAKE IT ALL OFF?
Smith: Shut up
Mortal Kombat!
Smith: WHOA
Hood: Geezus. That came out of nowhere.
~The opening vocals of that amazing song from the (so-so) 1995 movie echo throughout the Snowking Festival and the strategically placed speakers much to the confusion of everyone in attendance. The theme song then kicks in proper, cycling through the names of the characters from the Mortal Kombat franchise, until it stops on...~
Sub-Zero!
~Upon the utterance of the blue ninja's name, the music then switches to Watch Me Shine by Fozzy and everyone finally gets it. A blue snow mobile tears through the driving snow with Dylan Thomas dressed as Sub-Zero with the Craze title round his waist to thunderous cheers (everyone loves Mortal Kombat!). He, like his two opponents, stands inside a tiny ring-sled. We get a split screen of Lissandra watching from inside the Festival, where it’s warm. She’s clearly enjoying absurdity of everything as evidenced by her smile. The ring-sled comes to a halt in front of the cement box. Dylan does a few ninja moves. Lissandra, on her side of the screen, claps...the motions for the fans to get up. The fans in attendance go wild. Dylan then removes his ninja mask sand blows Lissandra a kiss. Lissandra returns the favor. Dylan tosses his mask into the dark opening leading into the cement box. He then springboards off the tiny ring-sled rope and onto the snow hill, sliding into the box~
Smith: He’s not dressed nearly as warm as the others.
Hood: Dylan’s gonna die.
Belvedere: From Hollywood, California...standing 6’2 and weighing in at 225lbs...he is the reigning and defending Craze Champion...he is...Dylan Thomas!!!
~The fans go wild. Inside the cement box, Houston sees the mask fall, innocently to the floor. He walks over, curious. He picks it up...as he does, Dylan comes sliding in, taking his legs out~
Smith: Ouch.
Hood: Ed’s having the worst start to this match.
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m told TLS has not shown up tonight. He is truly lost in the Canadian wilderness, I’m told. So, we are going to start the match without him. Shut the door and let the Sub Zero Match begin!!
~The giant cement door slides down...it lands with a thick, loud thud. Dylan drops to his knees and goes to work on Ed, punching him in his head. BRIM watches on. He’s about to head over when he sees the ring apron move. He drops to one knee and reaches in...he yanks OCW ref GRUFF out from underneath. BRIM is like, ‘da fuck?’~
Smith: And there’s our ref for the match...hiding under the frozen ring.
Hood: I redact my earlier statement. Ed’s start to this match IS rough. But TLS’ start is rougher...he never made it out of the starting gate.
Smith: He never made it TO the starting gate.
Hood: Truth.
~BRIM slings Gruff to his feet and against the thick, frosted cement wall. Gruff is freezing. He was obviously hiding under the ring to stay warm. BRIM ain’t having it. He yells, “Get yo ass up and call the damn match!” Gruff, too afraid to defy the monster, nods. Thomas tries stomping on Ed...to keep him down. His back foot slips. He loses his balance. Houston hurries to his feet. Dylan’s brow furrows...how is Ed not hurt by his assault~
Smith: The layers! The goggles and hoodies he’s got on absorbed most of the blows.
Hood: Oh man, Dylan’s SUPER FUCKED
Smith: Not only is he going to be FREEZING...but he’s got NO layers on.
~Houston, back on his feet, drops the Sub Zero mask and tries to throw a roundhouse kick...but the layers prevent anything remotely damaging from happening. A weak leg to the side is all he can muster. Dylan catches it. Ed hops around. Dylan sweeps Ed’s second leg. He looks to catapult Ed into the giant cement door...Houston scrambles...he gathers some of the snow that fell in from outside...he makes a quick snowball and slings it at Dylan, smacking him right in the face. Thomas stumbles back, tripping over the mound of snow and falling into the freezing pile of slush. It starts to dawn on him...he rolls out of the snow quickly and comes to rest on one knee near the steps. He puts his arm on the steps but pulls it away, quickly. The steps are freezing...he rubs his arms...he’s COLD~
Smith: Poor Dylan. I don’t know how much longer he can last in there.
Hood: How cold is it right now?
Smith: 30 degrees.
Hood: Fuuuuuuck
~Houston returns to his feet...he looks down at Dylan, who is beginning to shiver. Houston points at his layers and says something we can’t really make out. Thomas looks ready to attack...but he holds off. And, for good reason...BRIM snatches Ed from behind, spinning him around and hugging him...he then spins and DRILLS Ed into the cement floor with a belly-to-belly!! Houston hits hard! But, due to the layers, it isn’t nearly as bad as it could be. BRIM pops up and dusts the snow off his giant, thick, purple coat. Once finished, his goggle covered eyes find Dylan. Thomas is like ‘oh fuck’ and he searches under the ring for something...he finds a chair...but it’s frozen to other chairs...he can’t rip it free~
Smith: Everything is FROZEN in there
Hood: Yea, I mean it’s 30...29, now? It’s fuckin cold in there...and it’s surrounded by snow on the outside. Fuckin place is basically an icecube. They’re wrestling inside a giant icecube!
Smith: I mean, that’s one way to put it.
~BRIM matches Dylan’s way. Dylan can’t get the chair free. Suddenly, Houston leaps onto BRIM’s back!! BRIM staggers...he reaches back and grabs onto Ed’s red ROCKET jacket. Thomas stands, unsure of what to do. BRIM rips Ed over his head...Houston flips over...as he does, he legs find Dylan’s shoulders...instinctively, he wraps them around Thomas’ head and flips back, sending Thomas toward BRIM with a Frankensteiner...Dylan flies forward...BRIM ducks and lifts Dylan in the air...his strength plus Dylan’s momentum sends the Craze Champion flying high into the air before he crash lands on the cement. He gasps for air...he winces in pain...he can barely move. BRIM stands upright and turns around. He towers over Dylan and flips him over...Dylan’s chest meets the ice cold cement floor. BRIM rips the Craze Title from the champion’s waist and holds it~
Smith: What a combo! Dylan’s down! He’s freezing! BRIM has the Craze Title!
Hood: I know Japan was a nightmare for Dylan and Lissandra but...it might have been safer than...well, whatever the fuck it is we’re watching right now.
Smith: He definitely would have been more comfortable.
~Lost in the gaze of championship gold...BRIM’s guard is down. Houston charges forward and lifts a knee into the back of BRIM’s purple jacket. BRIM stumbles forward...his footing slides...he drops the belt and reaches out, bracing himself against the freezing concrete wall. Ed hurries forward, grabbing BRIM by the head...he tries to slam him, head first into the wall...but BRIM shoves Ed away...Houston flies through the air, landing in the snow pile at the entrance. He struggles to get out of it...snow flying everywhere. BRIM regathers the Craze Title and he drags it alongside, heading Ed’s way. Thomas is curled up on the ground, shivering~
Smith: I think we might need to pull Dylan from this match.
Hood: That or watch him literally FREEZE to death. Where’s Big Dave when you need him?
Smith: I know he’d protest heavily against it...but let this battle go so you can continue the war. Let’s get Dylan out of there!
~Houston tries to hit BRIM with a snowball...but the goggles make that tactic pretty much obsolete. So, Houston gets on all fours and dives for the Craze Title, grabbing it. BRIM’s forced to try and pull the title away. As they fight over the belt, we focus on Dylan...he’s shivering and barely moving. Gruff checks in on him...Dylan keeps saying Lissandra over and over. We cut to Lissandra...she’s obviously concerned. “Come on, Dylan. Come on.” Those words transmit over the broadcast. The fans start to cheer. “Dylan! Dylan!” His eyes open...he struggles, reaching for the ring apron...but it’s frozen solid...his hand slips away. He manages to get to his feet...he wraps his arms around his body...his body shakes uncontrollably...but determination floods his eyes~
Smith: I don’t know how wise this is...but Dylan isn’t gonna lay down and quit.
Hood: Gotta keep moving. You lay still for too long and you’re finished.
Smith: Indeed.
~Thomas fires up and charges forward. BRIM and Ed turn...Thomas uses the mobility he has from NOT being covered head to toe to launch himself at them, smacking both men in the face with a double knee strike!!! Ed flies backward, flipping over the frozen ring steps. BRIM staggers, dropping to one knee. His goggles are cracked and broken at the middle...the fall from his face, hanging by his neck~
Smith: Dylan’s cracked BRIM’s goggles!
Hood: Well, that’s a start.
Smith: C’mon, Dylan!
~Thomas sees the broken eye wear and he yells out, feeling strong and fired up. He pops back to his feet and runs at BRIM...BRIM, however, pops to both feet and he hip tosses Dylan into the pile of snow near the front door. Dylan is covered by the snow pile. The fans scream and gasp~
Smith: NO!
Hood: That’s it. He’s a perfect popsicle.
Smith: We need help in there...NOW
~Angry, BRIM rips his fucked up goggles off his head and slings them against the wall. His eyes are exposed...but the rest of his face is covered by cloth. He locates and picks the Craze Title back up. It’s near the steps. As he does, Houston pops up from the other side...he grabs BRIM by the back of the head and drops him with a facebuster atop the frozen steps!! The ice surrounding the steps shatters like glass, falling all over the concrete floor...BRIM stops to both knees before hitting all fours…his shakes his head, stunned. Houston hops atop the suddenly not-so-slick steps and he leaps off with a double foot stomp onto BRIM’s back, flattening the big man out. Houston’s feet find the ground...next to them is the Sub Zero Mask. He picks it up and looks over...Dylan Thomas crawls, weakly, out of the snow. He can barely move, at this point...he’s too fuckin cold. Ed chuckles and he flings the mask at Dylan...it hits him in the face...some white power flies into the air~
Smith: Houston getting a little arrogant...kicking the Craze Champion while he’s down.
Hood: I like it. I like this side of Ed. This is the side that beat Mack O’Connor at Throwback!
~Dylan sniffles. He takes some of the white powder in. As he does, Houston turns his back to the Craze Champion...he, like BRIM, doesn’t see Dylan as much of a threat at this point. So, Ed goes back to work on BRIM, stomping the back of his head. We suddenly cut outside the ice box~
Smith: Umm...why are we back outside?
Hood: I...wait...is that a person walking through the snow...ON STILTS?
Smith: I...I think it is.
~IT IS! We zoom in to find The Lost Stranger on stilts, hiking through the snow. He reaches the ice box. He knocks on the door, trying to get in~
Smith: Sorry, TLS. You’re too late.
Hood: I bet he’s got a story.
Smith: He’s ALWAYS got a story.
~TLS knocks again, trying to get into the match. He pauses. He senses something. He turns around on his stilts to find a number of moose staring at him through the snow~
Smith: Uhh
Hood: Well, this can’t be good
~TLS works the gloves on his hands...the moose let out some kind of yell. TLS marches their way...they charge at him. We cut away, back to the icebox~
Smith: Interesting and strange subplot during what’s a pretty awesome match.
Hood: CLASSIC OCW, BABY
~Dylan continues to breath in the mysterious white cloud of dust that flew from his Sub Zero Mask. Suddenly, his eyes open wide and he sits up. He turns, facing Houston. Dylan rises...he doesn’t look cold any longer...he looks strong as an ox. Thomas beats his chest and yells “MORTAL KOMBAT!” Houston stops stomping BRIM...he turns...Dylan charges and SPEARS Ed into the ring apron!!! Houston lets out a loud grunt, through his layers. Dylan stands upright and he rips Houston’s ROCKET jacket open at the front...he yanks it off of Ed and he quickly puts it on. The fans go wild~
Smith: Dylan Thomas has stolen Ed’s jacket!
Hood: GAME CHANGER
Smith: Look at the energy...he’s got his second wind.
Hood: Or, ya know, he got just enough of that Yakuza blow
~Houston’s initial reaction is “Holy shit it’s cold” once the giant coat has been ripped from him. But, he’s still got a thick, warm sweater type outfit on that covers his head, ears, and mouth...and his goggles...which survived Dylan’s knee. He kind of looks like a woolly scuba diver...from the waist up. Thomas drills Houston in the gut with a knee. He spins Ed around and slings him into the ring under the bottom rope...Houston damn near slides across the entire ring, atop the frozen canvas~
Smith: And finally someone is taking this match into the frozen ring.
Hood: Dylan, man. He’s perfection personified...he’s got to try and make a ‘match’ out of this.
Smith: His odds have gone from zero to a definitely maybe.
Hood: And people say drugs are bad. This is visual proof that drugs are helpful.
Smith: I wouldn’t go that far.
Hood: Are drugs legal in Canada?
Smith: These people aren’t savages, Hood.
Hood: I dunno...they use Celsius. That’s pretty savage.
~Thomas rolls into the ring. He gets to his feet but it’s...well, it’s slippery. Frozen surfaces and all. He’s wearing the boots that came with the Sub Zero costume...not much grip on ice. He slides and skates toward Ed...bending over and pulling Houston up by the back of his goggles. He delivers a HUGE knife edged chop across Ed’s chest. Houston slips back and nearly wipes out. Dylan delivers his signature Cocky Slap to the Mush!!! Houston slips forward, into Dylan...Thomas jumps up, places both knees into Houston’s gut and drops back with PERFECT FINISHER!!! The entire canvas shatters, like the stairs...the ice covering the top breaking into a thousand particles of snow!!! It covers both Thomas and Houston. We hear the fans inside the Festival go wild~
Smith: Thomas just hit his finisher...but he’s covered in snow. As is Ed...can he make the cover?
Hood: Moreover...will Gruff make the count?
Smith: True...I haven’t seen Gruff since BRIM yanked him out from under the ring.
~Thomas fights through the snow...he kicks it off and struggles to all fours. He finds Ed laying within the snow, breathing heavily...he looks to be out, momentarily. Dylan slides and slips, crawling over...but he makes the pin. He looks around for a ref. He yells out, “GRUFF!” BRIM looks over the ring apron from outside, surveying what’s taken place. He’s wincing from Houston’s earlier attack. He feels something...he reaches down and pulls Gruff out from under the ring again!! BRIM stands and slings Gruff into the ring yelling, “MAKE THE COUNT!” Gruff tumbles atop the snow covered canvas until he comes to rest near Dylan and Ed. He makes the count~
1!
2!
3...NO!
KICK OUT
Smith: Ed kicked out!
Hood: Well, yea...I mean it took Gruff half an hour to get in there.
Smith: At least the canvas is cleared of the ice that made it unworkable. These guys can now...ya know, maybe get a few more moves in.
Hood: WEAK ASS BOOKING
~Thomas is furious. He grabs Gruff and pulls him to his feet...the alleged cocaine in his system has him more volatile than usual. Gruff tries to get him to back off. Houston sees the opportunity and he rolls Thomas up!!! Gruff drops to his knees to make the count~
1!
2!
3!!
NO!
Smith: WOW
Hood: Okay, maybe drugs ARE bad.
Smith: OF COURSE THEY’RE BAD
~Thomas and Ed both scramble to their feet...having trouble moving as efficiently as usual due to the snow. They reach their feet...but, before they can lock up or brawl, they turn and are immediately run over by BRIM!! BRIM takes both men down with a double clothesline...they hit the ring, HARD. BRIM stands over them...we see the sides of his eyes beginning to ice up a bit due to the ever decreasing temperature inside that box~
Smith: How cold is it, now?
Hood: Fuck if I know.
Smith: I’m being told we’re down to 18 degrees.
Hood: PHHHHHHHUCK
~Thomas tries to get up first. BRIM grabs the back of his jacket, gripping the rocket logo..he yanks it off Dylan’s back, exposing him once again to the harsh, freezing elements. BRIM rips the jacket up and tosses it out of the ring. Dylan gets to his feet and he begins to punch and chop BRIM in the chest...but his thick, purple coat absorbs most of the punishment. BRIM finally reaches out, he grabs Dylan by the head...he lifts him up and he tosses him out of the ring all the way to the snow pile at the front of the concrete box. Dylan hits HARD! He tumbles, painfully through the snow before his body comes to rest against the freezing concrete. BRIM isn’t finished...he heads for Dylan...he drops to the mat and rolls under the bottom rope. He towers over the downed Thomas...BRIM bends down and grabs the back of Dylan’s Sub Zero costume...just below the neck...he yanks down, ripping it open! BRIM proceeds to rip and pull the entire upper portion of the Sub Zero costume off Dylan’s body. His white, shivering upper torso is now fully exposed to the elements~
Smith: Sheesh
Hood: Dylan Thomas is having a bad day.
Smith: I definitely think this will prevent the Thomas family from ever moving north of Hollywood.
~BRIM turns to head back into the ring. But, Ed is already on his feet...The Rocketman is looking to take flight!!! He runs toward BRIM...he leaps up and tries to springboard off the top rope...but he loses his balance, due to the frozen ropes...he tumbles forward. BRIM catches him and drops him onto the concrete with a Samoan Drop!!! Houston groans in pain, immediately curling up, clutching his midsection. BRIM sits up, rubbing the ice from his eyes. Thomas fights through the snow...his skin is looking very white...his muscles are trembling...his hair, wet from the snow and a bit of perspiration, begins to harden and freeze~
Smith: Dylan isn’t looking so great.
Hood: He’s turning into a White Walker!
Smith: No he’s not!
~Dylan rises from behind BRIM, who is still seated on the concrete. Thomas continues to shiver. He steps forward, reaching for BRIM’s head...but BRIM immediately turns around, hopping to his feet..he shoves Dylan back...BRIM charges forward with a huge shoulder tackle!!! Dylan’s body flies back and SLAMS into the concrete side of the box...his battered, freezing bones tumbles back into the snow. BRIM kicks some of the snow around his feet onto Dylan, covering him up~
Smith: Poor Dylan...he doesn’t have his full range of motion. His muscles...the blood flow...it’s slowing. It’s tightening.
Hood: He’s about to become an ice sculpture. “Here kids come take a look at the Dylan Thomas sculpture...isn’t it perfect?”
Smith: Like frozen taxidermy
Hood: Fuck off with that shit. Taxidermy is creepy as fuck.
~BRIM pulls Ed up and slings him back into the ring, under the bottom rope. BRIM rips at the frozen ring apron, breaking the ice away. He reaches down for one of the chairs Dylan tries to acquire earlier...BRIM’s strength is able to yank the chair away from the others, breaking the icy bond...he slides it into the ring and rolls back inside. Gruff, meanwhile, crawls over, outside the ring, and checks on Dylan...he wipes and knocks the snow off to find a shivering Dylan...his eyes are closed. Hypothermia appears close to setting in~
Smith: Okay, we gotta get him out of there.
Hood: He has to quit, Smith. Thems the rules!
Smith: HE’S GONNA DIE
Hood: He’ll die a Canadian hero.
~BRIM reaches his feet in the ring. Houston is on one knee, pushing the snow away, trying to stand. BRIM grabs the chair. He reaches back and he CRACKS Ed across the back with the chair!! The ice frozen to the chair shatters, flying through the air and lands on the mat. Houston collapses, front first on the mat, amidst the ice. BRIM violently shoves the chair onto the mat, positioning it as a potential landing spot for Ed’s body. Meanwhile, we cut back to Dylan...the situation is getting worse~