LIVE! May 7th 2021
From The OCW Arena
ANOTHER MASSACRE. The stars are aligned. Jupiter and Saturn are performing some type of intergalactic tango enabling the drunkards at OCW access to production. It’s wild, man.
So, Sara Syren shocked the world (aka 40 or so people watching the Youtube stream) and emerged from backstage to pretty much murder and kill Coke Guy. But fear not, fans of Wrestling Jungle Massive...what happens to Coke Guy here has no bearing on his impending success and greatness over there.
Who IS Sara Syren? Did Scott Syren undergo THE TRANSFORMATION? Are we going the ‘child of a legend’ route that is tired and about as creative as being super violent in your efed in an attempt to ‘get over’? Or, is she something else? Some speculate she’s the incarnation of all the angered spirits from past female competitors who felt the wrath of OCW’s long standing misogyny. Others take a more pragmatic route citing, “She’s clearly Greta Wolfe on tons of roids and drugs.” The mystery remains.
Chef Chaos is not cowering in a prism of fear. No sir. He’s been doling out more eats than usual. He sees his upcoming second round match against Sara Syren as an opportunity to advertise his all vegan line of products by physically explaining how meat and other ‘heavy’ food options can weigh a person down.
I’d ask the standard question, “Was that Tony the Spider we saw at the end of the previous Massacre?” But it’s redundant. We all know it was Tony standing outside the arena, laughing that signature laugh. Why is he back? Does he want to mix that majestic mullet in with the rest of these miscreants?
SABOTAGE? Did THE JUDGE order Louise Woods’ arrest to eliminate her from the tournament? I doubt he’s worried about any physical threat she may pose. Probably more along the lines of fright over the fact she may become enamored with him.
Who’Re took a stand. With Welsh passed out, Who’Re took control of the show and gave Sara Syren admittance into the second round of the tournament. This can’t sit well with the ego-maniacal Marcus Welsh, can it? It’s HIS promotion. But, she did draw the ratings. So, perhaps he won’t be THAT upset. Which is, of course, assuming he’s sober enough to care.
Hearing word a Pay Per View announcement could be in the works. I can’t fathom the people at OCW would want to put themselves through such a tortuous task but...hey, people who run these things are a special kind of sadist. So we’ll see if it comes to fruition.
And, tonight, we begin the second round of this glorious 8 person tournament where the winner will receive a stained, dirty, defunct OCW Championship. Still no word as to which title we’re talking, here. But, it will be one of them.
Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis returns to the ring to face THE JUDGE. The smart money is on THE JUDGE. But never count OCW’s #1 bum out. The man knows what it takes to survive.
The second round and a fifth straight episode of Massacre begins...NOW
~We cut to the LIVE feed! As an added bonus...our Youtube stream drops what appears to be MYSTICAL CONFETTI across the screen. Yay! Round 2! This must have been a Who’Re decision. Speaking of, she’s got a new chair...or, at least, a new cover over her old chair. Probably not too anxious about catching some type of weird disease. Welsh, meanwhile, is dipping a Swisher Sweet into a cup of Robitussin. He lights it up and takes a puff. “Feels good, man.” He says, eyes half open. Wrapping his arm around a very uneasy Who’Re, he pulls her in close, smiling for the camera~
~Who’Re breaks free. Welsh takes another pull from his very ghetto and unhealthy vice stick~
Marcus Welsh: Yoooo! Welcome to another Massacre, morons on the internet, haha.
Who’Re: Yes, let’s demean our meager audience. Great stuff, boss.
Marcus Welsh: Damn straight I’m your fuckin boss. Speaking of which...the fuck was with that Sara Syren bullshit?
Who’Re: Just trying to help the company out, sir. Our ratings nearly doubled when she appeared.
~Welsh does the ole shifty eye. He isn’t totally buying it. But, he’s also fucked up on all kinds of shit. So the situation doesn’t seem nearly as serious as it probably should~
Marcus Welsh: Well, whatever! Just don’t do it again, whore.
Who’Re: * grumbles*
Marcus Welsh: But, hey...how about a HUGE announcement before we get started?
Who’Re: What...is there a new line of cheap vodka you’re excited to try?
Marcus Welsh: Don’t you fuckin sass me, bitch. You know I’d never betray my beloved brand of vodka like that. No...I’m talking about the announcement of an extra event!
Who’Re: Not gonna lie. That IS kind of exciting.
Marcus Welsh: And, if you play your cards right, whore. I just might let you appear on camera alongside me when I announce it.
Who’Re: Thanks, I suppose.
Marcus Welsh: How many streamers we got?
Who’Re: Looks like...34.
Marcus Welsh: THAT’S IT? Well, fuck you guys. You ain’t getting SHIT until we break 50.
Who’Re: Fans...I think what our fearless leader is saying is that once we hit 50 viewers on tonight’s stream, he’ll reveal this huge announcement.
Marcus Welsh: Yea, so stop watching midget porn and tune in, ya fucking retards.
~Who’Re does a quick google search on her phone on how to disable a person’s mic without their knowledge. Welsh slaps her phone away~
Marcus Welsh: Pay attention, whore! I don’t pay you to sit there and google dumb shit all day.
Who’Re: You don’t pay me at all.
~Who’Re mumbles a string of words under her breath. Her face reddens with an amalgamation of embarrassment and anger. Welsh leans back, kicking his feet up and puffing on his toxic cigar~
Marcus Welsh: So, what do we got? Get to it. Let’s go, whore!
Who’Re: Tonight we step into the semi-finals of this eight person tournament. OCW is looking to build a new brand and wrap that brand around a new champion. Four names remain. Tonight, two will do battle with the winner advancing to the finals.
Marcus Welsh: Are we at fifty yet? I want to make my announcement.
Who’Re: 39
Marcus Welsh: Stupid wrestling fans.
Who’Re: In the ring, tonight, OCW’s #1 Bum, Dale Ellis will take on THE JUDGE. Let’s take a look back on how Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis got here.
~We cut to various images of Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis hanging out in the parking lot, smoking meth, sleeping underneath Alice Knight’s RV~
Forged from the mean streets of poverty. Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis had to scratch and claw his way into the limelight. Once in the shadow of OCW Hall of Famer and Bum sympathizer, Alice Knight – Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis wasn’t content on resting in the comfortable shadows with all types of narcotics running through his ever thinning veins
~Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis is shown amidst the OCW Crowd during BLOODYMANIA when the ring exploded, killing The Demon and The Executioner. His face covered in untested blood from two random men wearing masks, Dale looked on in awe, licking the blood from his lips~
Dale said “I can do this.” He was inspired during OCW’s most EXPLOSIVE match in its 20+ year history. So he began to train. He took his vitamins.
~Dale is seen popping several types of nondescript pills~
~He said his prayers~
~Dale is shown chugging what remains of a 40oz malt liquor bottle. He yells into the sky. A legendary drunken tirade at nothing in particular~
He then stepped into the ring against a raging bitch. I mean, a raging feminist who went by the name of Greta Wolfe. It was an epic clash. The likes of which OCW hadn’t seen in DECADES. Back and forth the two went.
~A still frame of Dale staring Greta down is on our screen as the voice over does its hype job~
Blood, sweat, and tears were left in the center of the ring that night. Dale represented the home crowd. A homeless population looking to rise up. Meanwhile, Greta fought for women’s rights...hoping to shatter the glass ceiling that she believed resided directly over each female competitor’s pretty little head.
~A creepy moment happens as Greta’s still photo turns slightly, frowning at the narrator. We ignore it~
On the precipice of victory, Greta Wolfe stumbled, faltered and Dale Ellis, being the shifty bum that he is, stole victory from the determined matriarch of feminism. In doing so, he took one step closer toward homeless immortality. Greta vacated the OCW Arena in shame vowing to return some day.
~Dale celebrating by strokin’ it around the ring is shown in a split screen next to Greta marching, angrily up the ramp~
Tonight, Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis looks to take another step up the OCW ladder. For so long the homeless population has been a big part of Online Championship Wrestling. As spectators. As outsiders, if you will. But now...finally, one of their impoverished brethren has a chance to break through, paving the way for many, many more homeless vagrants to step into the ring and find success. Tonight, Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis fights not just for himself but for bums everywhere.
~We cut back to Welsh and Who’Re~
Marcus Welsh: I remember that match like it was yesterday. Such pageantry. Such spectacle. I’d argue we’re seeing better in ring action during this run than OCW has ever witnessed before.
Who’Re: Well, you’re certainly entitled to your opinion, sir. And I must add that was a smartly put together video package.
Cap Slock: THANK YOU MA’AM.
Marcus Welsh: Yea, Captain Roderick Slock was behind that.
Who’Re: How would you feel if a homeless man captured OCW gold?
~Welsh looks around his office. It’s disheveled. It’s dirty. It looks like it smells. Putrid. He shrugs~
Marcus Welsh: Not too bad, actually. Gotta start somewhere. Say, what’s our viewer count at?
Who’Re: Looks like we’ve breached 40. Sitting tight at 42.
Marcus Welsh: C’mon, fans! You want that announcement or not? TUNE THE FUCK IN!
Who’Re: Maybe this will entice them. Let’s take a look at our second competitor tonight...a look back on how THE JUDGE got here.
Marcus Welsh: HERE COMES THE JUDGE, OH YEA
~A clip of THE JUDGE ruling his court room. Toting his assault rifle, metal gavel, and giant tome which he uses to pelt people into alternative dimensions whenever they are deemed too ‘sassy’ for his liking~
Ruling A COURT OF LAW with an iron fist and a devastating glare THE JUDGE has been handing down THE LAW for years.
~We cut to THE JUDGE’S courtroom~
Swole Guard: GET OFF YOUR FUCKIN ASSES FOR THE JUDGE
~THE JUDGE storms to his platform. He glares at the courtroom. His stare causes several people to faint with intimidation. He sits. Everyone sighs and mimics his act. THE JUDGE places his assault rifle nearby. He grips his metal gavel and eyes the current case~
THE JUDGE: Alright, what do we have here. Disrupting the peace, eh? Where is this malcontent. Where is this fuckin guttersnipe?!
~A young man with a shaved head, neck tattoo, and polo shirt, unbuttoned at the top, displaying a portion of his chest, cocks a half smile and tosses his head back~
Defendant: Yo, right here J.
THE JUDGE: The fuck did you just call me?
Defendant: Oh, like, I’m sorry, “Judge”.
~The Defendant laughs at his comedic disobedience. THE JUDGE begins to shake. He reaches for his assault rifle, but his court officer advises against it. THE JUDGE tries to remain calm~
THE JUDGE: Where’s your tie, boy? Why aren’t you wearing a tie in my COURT OF LAW??
~The Defendant is perplexed. He reaches around his neck, lifts both eyebrows, and flashes a look of utmost insincerity~
Defendant: Who needs a tie when you got a neck like this, right J?
~And that’s about all THE JUDGE is willing to stand. He leaps over his stand, onto the court floor. People scream and run. He lunges forward and wraps both hands around the Defendant’s neck, commanding, “YOU MUST WEAR A TIE WHEN YOU ARE IN MY COURT OF LAW!” The Defendant’s face turns blue. He stops moving. THE JUDGE throws his lifeless body to the ground and turns his back to the camera. A court doctor rushes in, feeling for a pulse~
Doctor: He...he’s dead.
~THE JUDGE slowly rotates his head, giving us those menacing eyes and unwavering judicial spirit~
THE JUDGE: I find the Defendant guilty and hereby sentence him...to death.
~We cut away. Back to Welsh and Who’Re~
Marcus Welsh: Harsh, but fair. That kid should have worn a tie into THE COURT OF LAW.
Who’Re: Condolences to the family of that wayward son. That’s a harsh way to go out.
Marcus Welsh: BUT FAIR...harsh but fair.
Who’Re: Regardless of his courtroom tyranny, THE JUDGE remains a redoubtable opponent for all the competitors left in this tournament. A likely favorite to capture the...gold.
Marcus Welsh: Redoubtable? The fuck has gotten into you, whore?
Who’Re: I bought a thesaurus.
Marcus Welsh: More like a theWHOREus...ha ha ha ha
~Who’Re rolls her eyes~
Who’Re: Fans, before we get to the action...let’s cut to tonight’s musical act. According to our fearless leader…
Marcus Welsh: It’s a very clASSy ensemble featuring women not all that unlike whore dancing to a remixed version of an 80’s clASSic.
Who’Re: This should be...something. To the ramp!
~Welsh has his hands down his pants. Who’Re has her hands palming her face~
Who’Re: Unbelievable.
Marcus Welsh: Oh yea.
~Who’Re lowers her hands far enough to check the stream. A hard roll of the eyes follows~
Who’Re: And we’re up to 47 viewers. I don’t know if I should be impressed or appalled. Marcus?
~Glancing Welsh’s way, she sees his hands in his pants. She lets out a shrilly “OMG!” before kicking at him. He topples over, hitting hard. A low, slow groan follows...not one of pleasure, thankfully~
Who’Re: Good to know you’re not a masochist.
Marcus Welsh: Not yet. But I’m willing to try new things. Here, help me up
Who’Re: In a second...fans...we’re nearing the 50 viewers...at which point we will reveal HUGE news. So sit tight. It’s match time! Hopefully by the end we’ll have eclipsed our desired mark!
~Welsh is mumbling. He’s just about ko’d for the evening. We cut to the ring. All the homeless bums are wearing Dale Ellis merchandise. And by merchandise, I mean various items found within the arena with the initials “DE” written into them...attached to their bodies in whichever manner is plausible. Predator stalks the ring, mouthing the words to “She’s got the look.” ~
Predator: I don’t know about you guys but these musical acts get better and better!
Homeless Bum Crowd: WAHOOO!!
Predator: Damn straight...but now, it’s time to get our serious faces on, OCW.
~Everybody, including Predator, bursts into laughter~
Predator: Ah, who the hell am I kidding. Let’s get that fuckin bum out here...friends, homeless, vagrants...give it up for one of your own...Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis!!!
~Strokin, the unofficial song of today’s OCW fills the disgusting OCW arena. The bums are at home. Strokin in circles around one another. The women. The men. And the ones whose genders are indefinable. Dale marches through the homeless people, strokin his way down to the ring. He hops on top of the barricade and strokes atop the barricade, toward ringside. He leaps off onto the steps and strokes his way up the steps onto the apron. He slides through the ropes, strokin around the ring. Massive pelvic thrusts. The female bums are dripping with desire~
Predator: From right here in the OCW Arena. He is OCW’s #1 Homeless Bum. Ladies and Gentlemen...give it up for the hometown hero and local lothario...Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis!!!
~Chants of “DALE!” fill the arena. He continues strokin~
Who’Re: A hero’s ovation for Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis. By far our most popular competitor. THE JUDGE is tough...but defeating Dale in his ‘hometown’ could prove problematic.
Predator: And, his opponent…
~The homeless bums filling the OCW Arena “BOOOOOOO”~
~Boos continue to pour out from the crowd, down onto the ramp and ringside area. THE JUDGE appears. The boos infect his ears instantly. He slings his automatic rifle around and begins picking off homeless bums yelling “ORDER! THERE WILL BE ORDER!” The homeless bums scream and scatter. The boos have ceased. “YOU WILL MAINTAIN ORDER IN MY COURT!” He tosses the rifle back over his shoulder and marches down the ramp toting his gavel and tome~
Predator: From A COURT OF LAW...he is...THE JUDGE!!!
~THE JUDGE power walks toward the ring, each step registering on the lower end of the Richter scale. The T-Rex ain’t got nothing on THE JUDGE. And, no, this narrator will not issue a corrigendum on the improper grammar you just read. DEAL WITH IT. The stairs quake in the presence of THE JUDGE, bracing for his mighty steps as he confidently struts to the apron. He leaps over the ropes, planting both feet firmly in the ring. It is a testament to the mat’s strength that it was able to handle such force. Predator exits. THE JUDGE places his three signature weapons in his corner, keeping a close, narrow eyed watch on Dale~
Who’Re: There is no force more...uhh, forceful than THE JUDGE. Using the ole eye test I’d say THE JUDGE is the clear favorite. But never underestimate the survival instincts of a legendary bum.
~THE JUDGE stands, facing Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis. The bell sounds. THE JUDGE flexes. His sleeveless robe explodes into a thousand fibers. Dale stumbles back into his corner...it is unclear if this is a reaction out of fear or a giant gust of wind from THE JUDGE flexing. Regardless, it’s enough to cast further doubt within the marrow of Dale Ellis~
Who’Re: If you’re a Dale Ellis fan which...well, most of you watching this probably aren’t because you have the means to afford internet...you can’t be feeling too good at the moment. He could literally tap due to fear at any second.
~THE JUDGE points at Dale and marches his way. Dale is frozen. THE JUDGE picks up steam...he storms across the mat, shaking the entire arena with each step. He jumps into the air for a splash...but The Bum falls to the mat!! THE JUDGE slams into the corner, the ring slides approximately a foot and a half. Dale scurries across the ring like a rat. He snares THE JUDGE’S automatic rifle and leaps to his feet, pointing it at THE JUDGE. THE JUDGE turns and eyes Dale and the gun aimed directly at him. His eyes narrow. His fists clench~
Who’Re: A desperate escape by Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis who now seems to hold the Trump card...in the form of a giant assault rifle. However, THE JUDGE doesn’t appear to be backing down. Nothing can intimidate the fiercest judiciary force in American history.
~Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis has the gun ready to fire. He points it at THE JUDGE’S head. “Eat lead, JUDGE.” THE JUDGE’S paralyzing gaze bears down on the weapon. The weapon shakes. Dale pulls the trigger...but nothing! The weapon refuses to fire! THE JUDGE has scared the weapon, rendering it obsolete. Dale pulls the trigger over and over and over. To no avail! He starts to sweat...partly over angst...partly over the physical exertion...and partly over experiencing withdrawal sweats after going an unprecedented amount of time in between hits of whatever substance he has coursing through his veins~
Who’Re: The weapon won’t fire! It’s scared of THE JUDGE! He has ruled and the weapon will adhere to the ruling!
~ “Shit!” Dale yells, tossing the gun to the ground. He scrambles for the gavel but in his haste, he clumsily knocks it out of the ring. “Fuck!” he shouts, reaching for the tome. Standing upright, he notices THE JUDGE has cut the ring in half. So, Dale rears back and yells, “Take this, JUDGE!” He THROWS THE BOOK AT THE JUDGE! Everyone watching at home gasps~
Who’Re: Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis has THROWN THE BOOK AT THE JUDGE! I have to imagine this, in the eyes of THE JUDGE, is some form of high treason!
~THE JUDGE catches the book with one hand. Dale’s eyes widen. He freezes. THE JUDGE narrows his eyes into two little slits. “I hereby find you GUILTY of impersonating a man of the court!” he rears back, preparing to THROW THE BOOK. “I sentence you back to a life of insignificance!” He hurls the book at Dale, it SMACKS him in the head! Dale’s body flies into the corner, slamming hard into the buckles. He stumbles forward, dropping to both knees in front of THE JUDGE. He looks up at THE JUDGE...his eyes glossed over via a mixture of fear and awe. “Pathetic.” THE JUDGE decrees, shoving Dale to the mat and placing his boot on his homeless opponent’s chest~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Predator: Here is your winner...and one half of the finalists from this 8 person tournament for a defunct OCW title stained in Welsh DNA...THE JUDGE!!!!!
Who’Re: THE JUDGE makes short work of Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis...sentencing him back to a life of insignificance. And, in doing so, earns a spot in the finals where he’ll face either Chef Chaos or Sara Syren.
~THE JUDGE gathers his weapons and exits the ring. He’s neither proud nor surprised...he’s simply doing his job. Keeping JUSTICE within the great country of America. A bunch of homeless bums rush the ring, taking Dale’s body and carrying it off to...wherever~
Who’Re: What a match! Probably the best one of the tournament thus far...and...oh my, would you look at that?? We’re at 54 viewers!
~Who’Re turns around to find Welsh...passed out. She sits still for a moment. She thinks. She ponders. She weighs pros and cons. She makes a decision~
Who’Re: Doing what’s best for OCW...I’ll go ahead and make that announcement. Folks...we have one Massacre remaining. And then, after that...OCW will bring you guys a Pay Per View event unlike any other! That’s right...the finals of this tournament, along with several other unique matches, will take place at an event we’ve coined ‘Infection!
Who’Re: Infection will take place...Someday, here in the OCW Arena! When will Someday occur? Probably fairly soon, I’d imagine. Unless our fearless leader succumbs to his vices before then.
~Who’Re smiles big, excited that she got to make the huge announcement. All seems happy in OCWland...until...~
Who’Re: Excuse me? What?
~We cut outside the OCW Arena. Uber Man and Tony the Spider are standing outside the doors. Splitting between them and diving at the locked doors is Welsh’s former associate...GREG. Greg rips at the doors, yelling~
Greg: Marcus!! Marcus!! LET ME IN!!!
~Tony and Uber step up, helping Greg. They try and try to pull the doors open~
Who’Re: No. No. NO. You do NOT let them in. They are not part of THIS OCW. They are Outsiders, you hear me? OUTSIDERS
~It’s unclear to whom Who’Re is talking. Perhaps some homeless bums acting as security in exchange for barely expired concession food? Yea, that’s probably it. Anyway, the trio of Outsiders, try as they might, can’t get the door open. A hooded figure approaches~
Hooded Figure: Fellow Outsiders.
Who’Re: Who is THAT
~He tosses the hood back revealing...MIKE ZYBALA. The view count on the stream jumps from 54 to 88. HUGE RATINGS.~
Who’Re: That’s the hooded man from a few shows back…
~While not the quickest...she put that together fast enough~
Mike Zybala: I know a way in. Follow me.
~Zybala leads his trio of Outsiders away from view to, apparently, a weak point in the OCW Arena exterior~
Who’Re: Unbelievable.
~Who’Re stands and looks out the busted window, down upon the ring and all the homeless people. She shouts in a surprisingly loud and commanding voice~
Who’Re: Mike Zybala and his band of Outsiders are attempting to infiltrate OUR arena. They want to take the spotlight away from each and every one of YOU. Send you all back to the STREETS. Are you all gonna LET this happen?
~The homeless bums look around. A figure emerges within them...a beaten but still breathing Dale Ellis~
Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis: Ah heeeyyyalll nah!
~The rest of the homeless bums follow suit, chanting their version of ‘hell no’.~
Who’Re: Damn straight! Now find Greg. Find Uber Man. Find Tony the Spider. And find Mike Zybala. Find them and rid them from this arena and this brand of OCW once and for all!
~The homeless bums do as commanded, rushing from the arena, into the bowels of the structure in search of the aforementioned Outsiders. We get one final glimpse of Who’Re looking on from above before cutting out~