LIVE! Wednesday, May 5th 2021
From The OCW Arena
Does this really make FOUR shows? I guess it does. Who woulda thunk it...Welsh and his failing liver managed to drag us to this point...the end of the first round of some random tournament. Props to the drunkard. Of course, I doubt he could have pulled off such a feat without the help of Who’Re. Let’s give it up to the once running joke for turning into more than a couple of penetrative holes.
So where we at, currently? Oh yea. Chef Chaos advanced after Louise “THE CAT” Woods was arrested for the disappearance of Frank James Mofield. He’ll face the winner of tonight’s spectacular in-ring encounter.
We’ve also got THE JUDGE and Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis focused on their semi-final match which will take place at the next Massacre...should we even get that far. Like a heater at a Vegas blackjack table...ride that momentum baby, never know when it’s going to all come crashing down.
A hooded figure from a few weeks failed to reappear last week. Will he reveal himself? It seems as though we’ve experienced hooded people before. Wasn’t there some such instance that crescendo’d during the main event of Stainless Steel Ride?
And I don’t know about you guys but my pants got totally tight when we saw the license plate “UBER” patrolling the OCW Arena parking lot...doing his best to avoid the sporadic tents. We all know to whom this car belongs...the only question is, will he appear and try to SAVE OCW?
Oh and where the fuck is Greta Wolfe? She PROMISED she’d return after obtaining Scott Syren’s super-secret-training serum. Was she, like most women, full of shit? Time’s running out.
I guess that’s everything...let’s send it to the live feed for tonight’s broadcast. A special thanks to all you tube of youers for viewing this live broadcast. Last week we hit 28! This week, well, we’re hoping for at least 29...but 28 and ½ will be okay, I guess. Midgets count too, ya know.
~And BAM...just like MAGIC we abscond the blank screen and mysterious voice, entering into the GM’s office where Marcus Welsh is double fisting bottles of cheap ass vodka. He’s got a candy cigarette hanging from his mouth and a baseball cap on sideways. He’s jamming to STROKIN which is playing throughout the arena. Who’Re is seated...twice as far from Welsh as usual. Next to Welsh is what most people familiar with alcoholism would call a ‘puke’ bucket. Welsh is turning into a true pro.~
Who’Re: Hello everyone and welcome once again to another episode of Massacre...this time NOT on a Monday.
Marcus Welsh: We flew too close to the sun, whore! Airing on Monday was an anomaly of a magnitude we will never again experience. HAVE A DRINK, WHORE.
Who’Re: No thanks. You drink for the two of us.
Marcus Welsh: I…
~Welsh pauses, trying to come up with something creative~
Marcus Welsh: I like the way you think, whore.
Who’Re: We’re down to our final first round match this evening as...for the first time in years, it appears OCW may actually follow through on a promise. It only took our GM becoming a raging alcoholic…
Marcus Welsh: WHAT was THAT?
Who’Re: Nothing.
Marcus Welsh: By gawd, whore. Don’t make me whip out the...ya know.
~She’s just ignoring him at this point. He’s too fuggin drunk to notice...drunk to the point where he thinks everything out of his mouth is either sophisticated, hilarious, or both~
Who’Re: I see we’ve got 29 viewers currently...a new record! So before our drunk GM runs any of you off...let’s cut to the first competitor in tonight’s main event. Fans...they’re sweet, they’re bubbly...they’ve been known to FIZZ...get ready to encounter...THE SODA POPS
~The Coca Cola theme hits. It’s upbeat. All the streamers can’t help but nod their heads in rhythm. We cut to a sun shining down on a tropical paradise. A stylish convertible is cruising down a four lane highway with no other traffic in sight. To the right is the brightest blue ocean you’ve ever seen. Behind the wheel of this stylish convertible is none other than Coke Guy. A red and white road sign is just ahead. It reads “Welcome to Sugartown.” Coke Guy turns the Coca Cola Theme Song down~
Coke Guy: Welcome to Sugartown, friends. And while we don’t have official politics I’m what you’d call the unofficial mayor of Sugartown. You might think keeping each and every brand of sugar under control would be a tough task but, fortunately, almost all sodas are well behaved. Just so long as you don’t get them all shook up.
~The Coca Cola Theme song pics back up in volume as Coke Guy drives off down the interstate and toward the picturesque horizon. We pick back up with him as he cruises through a posh neighborhood~
Coke Guy: Here in Sugartown we have a very low crime rate. In fact, 99% of all crime in Sugartown takes place in the Off Brand communities. I’d advise you to stay away from those slums.
~Coke Guy is interrupted by Mountain Dew Dude who is performing some extreme skate board maneuvers in his driveway~
Mountain Dew Dude: What’s up, Coke Guy!
Coke Guy: Not much, Mountain Dew Dude. Nice moves!
Mountain Dew Dude: Thanks, brah!
~Coke Guy continues addressing the audience~
Coke Guy: As you can see, a peaceful community for all.
~Coke Guy heads for a cul-de-sac. His convertible pulls into a magnificent driveway leading to an opulent estate. He kills the engine and steps out~
Coke Guy: Of course, being the defacto mayor has its perks.
~He winks into the camera. Mrs Diet Coke appears. She runs out to her husband~
Mrs. Diet Coke: Babe! It’s so good to see you!
~Coke Guy isn’t quite as happy to see his wife. He gives her a half hug~
Coke Guy: Sure. By the way, Pepsi Man is coming over. We’re going to pound back some sugar cubes.
Mrs. Diet Coke: Again?!
Coke Guy: Don’t give me that sass, woman.
Mrs. Diet Coke: I just wish you’d ask my opinion every once in awhile.
Coke Guy: I would but you kinda gave that privilege up after the ‘incident’, didn’t ya?
~Mrs. Diet Coke tilts her can in shame, heading inside. Coke Guy follows her. Before shutting the door, he addresses us~
Coke Guy: I’m afraid this is as far as I’m willing to let you guys go, for now. I look forward to seeing you all at Massacre. I can’t wait to bring some POP to the OCW.
~He shuts the door and we cut away~
Marcus Welsh: Mrs. Diet Coke seems like a total bitch. But I’d totally shake her up, if you know what I mean.
Who’Re: Hard to NOT know what you mean. Your innuendos are about as discrete as the homeless population in San Francisco...and the OCW Arena.
Marcus Welsh: blah blah blah look at me I’m the whore and I think I’m soooo much smarter than everyone else.
Who’Re: That was Coke Guy, everyone. And while I don’t like to tell any tales outside of school...rumor has it the ‘incident’ involved a lewd encounter between Mrs. Diet Coke and Dr. Pepper. But you didn’t hear that from me!
~Who’Re giggles. Even a professional woman such as herself enjoys drama. Fuckin women. Welsh falls out of his chair~
Marcus Welsh: What the FUCK, whore?
Who’Re: What?!
Marcus Welsh: You pushed me out of my chair!
Who’Re: I did not.
Marcus Welsh: Help me back up.
Who’Re: In a second.
Marcus Welsh: WHORE...help me back up.
Who’Re: Fans...it’s time we meet our second competitor in tonight’s final first round match. It took pulling some strings to get him and...to be quite honest, I’m surprised we pulled it off. I think word got out he’d be facing Coke Guy and, well, he couldn’t turn that opportunity down. Folks...here is...THE KOOL AID MAN
~We cut to a jolly neighborhood. It’s probably a Sunday afternoon. Residents are out mowing their lawns, trimming their hedges, cleaning their gutters, washing their cars, etc. Kids are out on their bikes, enjoying the sunny, late spring afternoon. A giant red creature comes marching down their street. A kid on a bike comes to a screeching halt~
Kid: KOOL AID MAN!
~Kool Aid Man’s march becomes a stride. He has his sights set on a nearby house. As he charges forward, he speaks~
Kool Aid Man: Kool Aid Man is here! Oh yea!! I’m gonna DESTROY Coke Guy at Massacre! Oh yea!
~Nearing the wall of a house...it’s owner, busy mowing the lawn. Comes to a stop and yells, “NO!!!” Kool Aid Man BURSTS through the wall! “OH YEA!!!!” The land owner can only smile, shake his head, and happily put his hands on his hips.~
Kool Aid Man: You’re going down, Coke Guy! OH YEA
~We cut to a business area featuring several tall buildings. The sidewalk and streets are lined with people in business attire...hustling and bustling on a weekday morning. Suddenly, rounding the corner, we see a giant, red creature marching our way. A businessman stops, leans back and narrows his eyes~
Businessman: Kool Aid Man?!
~Kool Aid Man’s march becomes a stride. He spots the nearest building and heads straight for it~
Kool Aid Man: Kool Aid Man is here! OH YEA! Coke Guy, you’re going down to China Town at Massacre, Oh yea!!
~We’re just going to ignore his vaguely racist comment because...well, he’s Kool Aid Man. Two police officers near the building spot the Kool Aid Man charging. They yell, “No Kool Aid, no!!!!” But it’s too late...Kool Aid Man is in full sprint. “OH YEA!!!” He barrels into the side of the building, bursting through. The entire building collapses. Mayhem. Destruction. Probably murder. Kool Aid Man emerges...the cops smile, shake their heads, and place their hands on their hips. Kool Aid Man dances amidst the debris, devastation, and likely death~
Kool Aid Man: I’m coming for you, Coke Guy! OH YEA!!
~We cut to a maximum security prison. Security guards man the towers, eyeing the very dangerous murderers, rapists, and tax evaders within the thick walls. Suddenly, in the distance, they see a large, red creature heading their way. A prisoner behind the wall manages to get a peek through a hole...his eyes widen~
Prisoner: AY! KOOL AID!
~Kool Aid Man is in a full on sprint toward the prison wall~
Kool Aid Man: Oh yea!! Coke Guy, I’m gonna rip you in half and spill your carbonated guts all over the mat at Massacre! OH YEA!!!
~Seems a bit more violent than the previous two statements...but he IS near a prison, so when in Rome, I suppose. The prison guards freak out...Kool Aid Man is bearing down on the wall and...BAM!!! He bursts right through!~
Kool Aid Man: OH YEA!!!
~The prisoners celebrate before sprinting out of the wall, toward freedom. The guards, at first angry, shake their heads, smile, and place their hands on their hips. “Kool Aid Man!” they say. Kool Aid Man dances around as one guard behind him gets his neck snapped by a very angry Neo Nazi~
Kool Aid Man: OH YEA! Coke Guy! I will prove I’m the superior sugary beverage and I will OWN Sugartown!! OH YEA!!!
~We cut back to the live feed~
Who’Re: Quite the clash is set up here tonight with two of America’s most popular, albeit unhealthy, beverages going at it. Coke Guy takes on Kool Aid Man!
~Who’Re looks toward Welsh, who’s passed out, once again...head in the puke bucket. It’s nasty. She sighs. The door opens...she stands, ready for anything. Her face smiles once her eyes recognize her backstage pal, AKB~
~Alpha Kenny Body...or, AKB as we usually call him, enters into the office. He’s always had a soft spot in his heart for Who’Re. It’s unclear whether or not these two have swapped bodily fluids...but what is sure is that if there’s anybody that could...or WOULD save Who’Re from such a shitty situation, it’d be AKB~
AKB: Who’Re. Babe. Why are you still here?
Who’Re: It’s my job. Have you been watching?
~Who’Re notices the steam dropped to 28...even after that FANTASTIC Kool Aid Man package~
AKB: Not really. Someone tweeted a video of you, Welsh, and sausage...an entire sausage. A whole sausage, Who’Re.
Who’Re: Yes. I know. Get to the point.
AKB: And, well, I felt bad. I’ve got a gig over at Pornhub. It ain’t much, but it’s honest. I interview the stars after their shoot (he giggles). After they ‘perform’. They said they could bring you on to do the same...so, while it isn’t great, it’s better than this shit.
~Who’Re weighs her options. She never really saw herself working in porn. But it’d certainly be a step up from broadcasting a wrestling show nobody cares about in front of a bunch of homeless people while sitting next to a raging alcoholic who always wants her to eat an entire sausage. She’s deep in thought. AKB extends his hand~
AKB: C’mon, Who’Re. Let’s get you out of here. You’re better than this.
~Who’Re appears ready to take the offer...but...she doubles back. She sighs, purses her lips, and makes a decision~
Who’Re: I’m sorry, Alpha. But I can’t. This is my home. I’d be nothing but a little Who’Re if Welsh hadn’t hired me in the first place...as disgusting as he is at the moment. But, I do have an offer for you…
~Who’Re extends her hand~
Who’Re: Join me for the rest of the broadcast. We always talked about how fun it’d be to call a show together. Let’s live that out...even if it’s for a match involving a couple of living refreshments.
~AKB smiles and takes her hand~
AKB: You got it.
~He takes Welsh’s chair and has a seat, working on his headset~
Who’Re: And now...tonight’s musical act. Here to announce this chart topping artist is an organization known as The Uncharted Zone...let’s head to the stage!
~Gormley stands awkwardly on the stage. He has zero presence and even less charisma. His new Balance shoes are very bright and new. He shifts his weight awkwardly from the left to the right. The bums in attendance eye him...they see a mark~
Who’Re: Interesting reaction.
AKB: I’m no expert on fuckin bums, Who’Re. But I’d say they might be about to mug that dude.
~AKB called it. The bums go after him. They really want those brand new kicks. His light blue bluejeans aren’t bad either. And that faded yellow polo is lookin mighty fine. He stands obliviously, like the goat from Jurassic Park – helpless. The bums hop on the stage~
Who’Re: Uh oh. We need help out here for Mr. Gormley. Where are those Uncharted guys?
AKB: I’m hearing their whereabouts are off the charts.
Who’Re: Ha-ha very funny, Alpha.
~The bums are on the stage. They rush Gormley. But, much to their surprise, Gormley turns into a black belt in FIGHTING. He spin kicks three bums off the stage. He takes a few more out by sweeping their legs. He unleashes a flurry of punches, knocking several bums out. One bum remains. Gormley does his awkward pose. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a black bandana...it’s got “The Gorm” written on the front. He ties it around his head and gets into fighting position. The bum leaps off the stage and falls head first onto the unforgiving arena pavement floor, snapping his neck instantly~
Who’Re: Well then.
AKB: I think the lesson here should be…
Who’Re: Not to judge a book by its cover?
AKB: Well, I was gonna say not to fuck with The Gorm. But, that works.
Who’Re: Gormley has laid waste to approximately one fifth of our audience. If our GM was awake, maybe he’d offer Gormley a contract.
AKB: Nah, Gormley is too busy making panties drop with those golden vocal cords.
Who’Re: I want it to be known that my panties are still in tact.
AKB: Not for long.
Who’Re: Alpha! Let’s head down to ringside for our one and only match this evening!
~Predator stands in the ring, his eyes are closed...his lids are shaking. He appears to be in a state of ecstasy. Scruff pokes him in the belly. He wakes up~
Predator: Sorry. Mark Gormley! Do not leave this arena without seeing me. So, is it match time already? Who am I kidding, of course it’s match time. You can only stretch an inch of content so far, right? Alright folks...please welcome tonight’s first contestant...battling in the final first round match of this eight person tournament...winner goes on to face Chef Chaos...please welcome, from Sugartown...Coke Guy!
~Coke Guy appears from behind the curtain. He marches down the ramp...Pepsi Man is absent tonight. Perhaps keeping an eye on Mrs. Diet Coke, ensuring she doesn’t fall down onto another ‘incident’. Coke Guy tosses coupons out to the homeless. They get all excited “FREE COKE!” one of them yells. Suddenly, a FORCE appears, throwing homeless people out of the way to grab a coupon for free coke. It’s...IGGY HARDY~
Who’Re: Look, Alpha! It’s Iggy Hardy!
AKB: Well fuck me...a legit wrestler on this shitty wrestling show.
Who’Re: Our viewers just jumped from 28 to 41!!!
AKB: Iggy’s a draw, baby.
~Iggy grabs the coupon and devours it with his coke filled eyes. Once he realizes it’s for Coca Cola and NOT cocaine, he gets upset. “FUCK THIS!” He storms out of the arena at full speed. Another bum yells out upon reading the coupon, “BUY ONE GET ONE FREE? BOOOOO!” They all boo Coke Guy~
Who’Re: And our stream has plummeted. We are down to 23.
AKB: Ole bait and switch. People don’t like being fucked...just like these homeless bums. They thought they were getting free coke.
Who’Re: Yea, well big business doesn’t become...ya know, big by giving stuff away.
~Coke Guy hears the discontent from the homeless people and is like “Fine! I’m keeping these!” He hoards the rest of his coupons before rolling into the ring and nipping up to his feet~
Predator: And, his opponent…
Who’Re: Is it weird that I’m excited for this?
AKB: Kinda, yea.
Who’Re: I just really loved Kool Aid as a kid.
AKB: I didn’t really enjoy Kool Aid until I got old enough to pour vodka into it.
~We cut outside the OCW Arena. There’s a GIANT trailer...BIFFORD SIZED. A couple of security guards stand outside the door. They beat on the door. It flies open and out steps KOOL AID MAN. “OH YEA!” he says, hopping to the ground. Six security guards flank him as he heads for the arena. Homeless bums surround his path way. “WHAT’S UP KOOL AID MAN!” one yells. He responds by pointing and shouting back, “OH YEA!” They near the arena~
Who’Re: Epic entrance for Kool Aid Man.
AKB: Does anybody REALLY think Coke Guy stands a chance? He’s like...a tenth of the size of Kool Aid Man.
Who’Re: If I were a betting gal, I’d put money on Kool Aid Man to go all the way.
AKB: Don’t let THE JUDGE hear you say that.
~Kool Aid Man stops. He turns. Security tries to keep him moving...but...he sees...A BRICK WALL. It’s kind of odd...standing out in the middle of nowhere. The lead guard says, “C’mon Kool Aid man, let’s keep moving.” But he cannot. It’s not in his sugary DNA. Kool Aid Man MUST BUST THROUGH THIS FUCKING WALL. “OH YEA!!!” he yells, sprinting toward the wall. Another guard yells, ‘NO KOOL AID MAN, NO!!!’~
Who’Re: Kool Aid Man is heading right for that wall!
AKB: No surprise there. My only question is...why is that wall there? Who put it there?
~Kool Aid Man reaches the wall and BURSTS THROUGH. “OH YEA!!” he shouts until...he realizes on the other end is a giant sink hole. He hangs in mid air for a moment before plummeting down the hole. “OH NOOOOOOO!!!” he screams, disappearing into the eternal abyss that is...well, whatever is down there. The security guards rush toward the hole and look down...Kool Aid Man is gone. Sadness hovers over the OCW Arena~
Who’Re: Kool Aid Man! NO!
AKB: Somebody spilled the kool aid. No bueno.
Who’Re: Now what do we do?
~Coke Guy starts strutting in the ring. He’s laughing. He’s got a golden ticket to the second round~
Who’Re: It appears Coke Guy is going to get a free pass into the second round.
AKB: Coke wins again!
Who’Re: I just feel cheated...we didn’t even…
~Loud music begins to play~
Who’Re: Whose music is this?
AKB: If it’s Uber Man’s theme, I’m out.
Who’Re: Wait...look...on top of the stage...WHO IS THAT
AKB: HOLY FUCK
~Standing atop the stage is the biggest, strongest, most muscular woman you’ve ever seen~
~The gigantic woman spits and snorts before marching down to the ring. The homeless bums in attendance run from the barricade. Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis says a few prayers. She reaches the ring and charges up the steps. She slices through the ropes and stares across the ring at Coke Guy...he’s leaking a bit of soda. Predator drops the mic and dives out of the ring. Scruff cowers in a corner~
Who’Re: Wow.
AKB: Not sure I’ve ever said this...but I would so NOT fuck that woman.
Who’Re: It isn’t about being sexual, Alpha. This woman is here to fight. To be a warrior. Dare I say...I’m feeling inspired.
~The giant woman takes the mic and speaks into it...her voice is angry and full of fury~
Woman: My name is Sara Syren and you know who I am.
~She drops the mic and charges Coke Guy. He tries to exit the ring but his can is too round. She lifts him up with both hands...pressures his aluminum body until he EXPLODES. Coke flies everywhere. Sara Syren is drenched in coke. She CRUSHES his body and flings it into the crowd like a frisbee. Coke Guy is apparently super dead. Sara Syren climbs the buckles and flexes...her muscles are HUGE. She points at Predator~
Sara Syren: ANNOUNCE IT
~Predator looks toward GM Welsh’s office. Welsh is passed out. Who’Re stands and looks down from the shattered window. She extends her thumb, to the side. Sara looks up at Who’Re. Who’Re gives them the THUMBS UP. Sara Syren nods~
Predator: Here is your winner by...obliterating her opponent...SARA SYREN!!!!!
AKB: Are...are you allowed to do that?
Who’Re: I just did.
AKB: Geezus. That woman...if you can call her that, is dangerous.
Who’Re: I think it’s time you left, Alpha.
~AKB thinks this is strange...but given the untamed BEAST roaming the ring, he doesn’t bypass the opportunity to escape. Who’Re remains in Welsh’s office, watching Syren storm around the ring~
Who’Re: Hm. Up to 45 viewers. What do you know…
~We cut to the exterior of the OCW Arena. Everyone is staring down the sink hole, yelling “KOOL AID MAN? YOU GOOD?” A small, pudgy shadow struts behind them~
Pudgy Shadow: Hahahaha
~It reaches the OCW Arena. We focus on the velcro shoes attached to its feet...we scan up, past the knee high tube socks until we reach the shorts that barely come down to mid thigh...then the super tight yellow, cut off sleeves shirt. We finally spot an infamous mullet...a little oily and dirty...finally, we see the stache underneath a pair of 1980’s ‘futuristic’ shades. It’s...it’s...TONY THE SPIDER~
Tony the Spider: HAHAHAHAHAHA
~He slowly removes his shades, giving us that signature laugh as we fade out~