LIVE! Monday, May 3rd 2021
From The OCW Arena
It finally happened. And no, I’m not talking about the person reading this almost kinda sorta losing their virginity by bumping crotches with a woman at a super spreader event headlined by Kaine’s rock band Wally World Encinitas.
Speaking of...well wishes to Kaine’s niece who was placed in Child Protective Custody after last week’s show via orders from THE JUDGE.
ORDER IN THE COURT – THE JUDGE threw the book at Kaine during last week’s Massacre and has advanced to face The Bum in the second round of this super special 8 person tournament for a DNA stained defunct OCW Championship.
How does The Bum feel about THE JUDGE advancing? We’re told he’s been smoking more meth than usual.
What does OCW have in store for you fine folks strokin one out on your couch while viewing this stream? Why, another first round match featuring 2 more FINE competitors. Fine as a box of wine.
OCW is back, baby. Sharper. Stronger. More focused than ever. So without further ado, hyperbole, and literal elongation...lets get to the lit festivities.
Wait. What was that? I never explained what FINALLY happened? My bad. Alcohol damages brain cells – APPARENTLY. But finally...FINALLY Massacre is airing on a Monday. There ya go. Mystery solved. Now, enjoy.
~We cut to the OCW Arena. STROKIN’ is playing! The bums in attendance are all strokin. Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis has another homeless beauty atop his lap. He’s riding high...OCW’s #1 Bum and Final Four competitor...two wins away from holding coveted OCW gold. THE JUDGE is nowhere to be seen – busy owning a COURT OF LAW. We quickly cut to the GM’s office. Welsh is zipping up his pants, holding a SOLO cup by his teeth. A fresh deposit of DNA stains the defunct OCW Title that will be awarded to the winner of this tournament. Who’Re walks in and quickly shrieks, covering her eyes~
Who’Re: MARCUS!
Marcus Welsh: What?! Who’s there?!
Who’Re: It’s your announcing partner, Who-Ray. And can’t you wait long enough to pleasure yourself AFTER the show? These broadcasts aren’t that long, you know.
Marcus Welsh: Sorry, whore. But sometimes inspiration strikes. Here, take a seat.
~Before taking a seat, Who’Re removes some napkins from her purse, spreading them atop the seat. She sits. Marcus is next to her. The announcing team is ready for duty~
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Who’Re: And we’re off...welcome back, everybody to another edition of Massacre...and, this time, ON A MONDAY!
Marcus Welsh: WHOA. Who said you could do the intro, whore?
Who’Re: Oh hush and sip on your vodka from that solo cup. Where’s the coffee mug, by the way?
Marcus Welsh: Somebody came in here and broke it while I was asleep.
Who’Re: Right. Well fans, we once again thank you for joining us on the special Youtube broadcast. Last week we had nearly 20 people stream the show live. This week, we’re aiming for thirty.
Marcus Welsh: THOUSAND. Thirty Thousand. C’mon, Whore, you gotta make us sound professional.
Who’Re: They can see the count on the stream, Marcus.
Marcus Welsh: Blah blah blah
~Welsh downs some cheap vodka, mocking Who’Re’s voice in what is a terrible imitation. Not flattering at all. But Who’Re is the lone professional remaining within this organization, so she ignores the broken GM and moves ahead~
Who’Re: Fans, let’s get to know our first competitor for this evening’s lone in-ring encounter. She’s aggressive, she’s hopeful, and, most importantly, she’s in love. Here is Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods!
~We cut to what appears to be the inside of a local Starbucks. Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods is staring intently into the camera, fixing her hair a bit. It suddenly dawns on her that we may be rolling. She flashes a huge, practiced smile~
Louise Woods: Hey! Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods here and I want to talk today about why the local government seems unwilling to help its citizens out when they need them most. I’m Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods of Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods Dance Academy, Business Counseling, and Home Remodeling and I just find it kind of strange that a High School graduate with a college degree in business can’t land a local job. Why is the government trying to suppress someone of my heritage when all I’ve done is work hard and provide services. But that’s okay I’m keeping a happy face about it and I know that you’ve always got to look at the positives like this coffee mug I just bought here look at it isn’t it wonderful? Hello to my love Frank James Mofield! I love you baby!
~If it sounded like gibberish...that’s because it was. She holds her coffee mug up and smiles big. She kisses it before turning around and placing it into a bag. There’s a ton of stuff around it...it almost seems like she might be homeless and seeking shelter inside the coffee house. She turns around with a teddy bear~
Louise Woods: You see my friend here he keeps me company isn’t he cute I just love him my love Frank James Mofield got him for me on Valentine’s Day. I love him so much. I proposed to Frank James Mofield two weeks ago. Haven’t heard back but that’s okay. You know what’s sad? The fact I haven’t had a car in over five years some people might think that’s normal but I don’t I think I deserve a brand new car and I wish my ex-husband would give one to me but he seems to think that our divorce settlement was fair which I think it wasn’t but that’s okay because as a high school graduate with a business degree I’ll go out and find a job and provide for myself as long as the local government will stop preventing me from doing so. I love you Frank James Mofield!
~She kisses her teddy bear and hugs it, smiling big. She places it in another bag near her. She leans in, fixing her hair and eyeing the camera. She even pulls her chest up over the table top so we can get a good look at her cleavage~
Louise Woods: I tried calling my love Frank James Mofield but he isn’t picking up but that’s okay because I know he’s hard at work making money for our future. I love you Frank James Mofield! I really don’t like the fact that the city refuses to fix all the potholes on the roads these potholes are why I’ve been without a car for five years they ruined the transmission of my vehicle and because the city was preventing me from finding work I was unable to fix it so now I do not have a car. But that’s okay because my love Frank James Mofield will take care of me. You want to know how much we love each other? I’ll show you!
~Louise pulls out a tablet that is cracked and old and barely functional. She pulls up her Facebook to show a manipulated image of her alongside some old dude...they are so obviously not together in the photo. She’s added hearts and the word ‘love’ onto it. There’s one comment underneath the photo. It’s from Frank James Mofield and it reads, simply, “Help I’m being stalked.” Louise puts the tablet away and looks up as a manager walks by~
Starbucks: Ma’am you’ve got to buy something or I’ll be forced to call the cops and have you removed.
Louise Woods: I am a high school graduate with a business degree and my future husband Frank James Mo-
Starbucks: That’s it! I’m calling the cops!
~Louise hustles to gather her stuff as we cut away~
Who’Re: I don’t want to be rude but I think that woman may need some help.
Marcus Welsh: I don’t know what that Frank James Mofield dude is bitching about. He looks like a gremlin. She’s the best he’ll ever get.
Who’Re: He’s probably afraid she might slit his throat and burn down his house, Marcus.
Marcus Welsh: Sounds oddly specific. You’re not gonna burn down the OCW Arena after slitting my throat, are ya whore?
Who’Re: Only if you promise to never offer me another sausage.
~Welsh takes a long sip of vodka and eyes Who’Re with suspicion. He then grabs a nearby pen and scratches off an item on his ‘to-do’ list~
Marcus Welsh: And here I thought you were all about having fun. Your name is full of shit.
Who’Re: Let’s get to know our second competitor...if he looks prepared to handle the heat that’s because it’s his job! Ladies and gentlemen...here is Chef Chaos!
~Our screen cuts to a local early morning talk show. The hosts are about as generic as generic gets. A man of slight ethnicity. You know the type. He’s kinda black but not really...but black enough so the channel has some ‘diversity’. The woman is a vapid, soulless blonde with a smile that would survive a straight right hand from Jake Paul (can’t believe that’s an apt metaphor in 2021)~
Kinda Black Guy: Welcome back to Good Morning Key West! The show that acts as a cup of joe for all our early birds! And boy oh boy do we have a special treat for you all coming up next!
Vapid Blonde: We sure do!
Kinda Black Guy: Have you ever heard the term ‘juicing’? Sure you have! Personally, I love to juice.
Vapid Blonde: Me too!
Kinda Black Guy: The only problem I have is figuring out which juice recipe to follow. It seems as though there are so many.
Vapid Blonde: I know!
Kinda Black Guy: Well we’ve got a local chef here to explain how juicing works and which recipe you should choose as that all natural, organic pick me up to get you started early in the morning.
Vapid Blonde: Me too!
Kinda Black Guy: Ladies and gentlemen...I present to you the one...the only...Chef Chaos!!
Vapid Blonde: Me too!
~A tall, slender man appears from backstage. He’s got his white coat on along with that tall, signature ‘chef’ hat. He’s smiling and waving at the crowd. Once the posturing ends – he gets in the zone. It’s clear Chef Chaos takes his job very...very seriously~
Chef Chaos: Thank you. Now, everybody quiet down. Let’s make some magic. Let’s change some lives. Let’s cook.
~Chef Chaos goes to work at his cooking table. He begins setting up the fruits and veggies into separate piles before piling certain combinations for certain recipes. His hands move quicker than those of a man standing at a table on the street of a major city switching cups around with a ball underneath one of them. It’s fast. Once finished he folds his arms and studies the setup~
Kinda Black Guy: Chef Chaos…
Chef Chaos: Silence! I’m working here!
~The Kinda Black Guy host shuts his mouth. Chef Chaos sizes up the juicer. He begins murmuring to himself~
Chef Chaos: Seems we went kinda cheap on this equipment. Not ideal but...I can make it work.
Vapid Blonde: Mr….
Chef Chaos: MR?! I didn’t spend one whole year at culinary school so that someone like you could call me MR! It’s CHEF Chaos, okay? And, for the love...what’s with you people interrupting an artist at work? Do I walk into your makeup room before the show asking you all kinds of retarded questions? NO. This is ART people. I’m an ARTIST. LET ME WORK!
~Everybody is like “Whoa...okay man, chill down.” Chef Chaos resumes his laser like focus~
It’s around this time when people start to wonder about Chef Chaos. This man seems to have all the skills. He seems to take his job very, very seriously. So why is he not a household name? Why isn’t he on the Food Network? Why is this guy struggling to land gigs on sparsely watched early morning talk shows? What’s the deal, man? Seems like we’re about to find out.
~Chef Chaos takes a deep breath and begins to visualize the art. A slight smile canvasses his face~
Chef Chaos: Ah, yes...yes. There it is. There you are, my beauty. Time to make some culinary love.
~He opens the juicer with his right hand. His left hand reaches over, snaring a green apple. He pauses. His head slowly turns, eyeing the green apple. He brings it to his face...he sniffs it. He opens his mouth and starts to bite it...only he stops before his teeth can pierce the skin. He taps the apple exterior with his knuckle. His body begins to tremble. His eyes start to bug out~
Chef Chaos: Are you serious? Are you serious?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!
~Nobody knows what’s got him so enraged. It looks like a perfectly fine apple~
Chef Chaos: What do you think I am, huh? Some kind of a JERK? You think I’m willing to work with non-organic fruit...like I’m some kind of a CHEAP WHORE?!
~He hurls the apple into the crowd. He shoves the juicer off the table~
Chef Chaos: I am CHEF CHAOS, damnit! I spent ONE WHOLE YEAR in culinary school! I’m a fuckin artist! I WILL NOT BE MADE A FOOL OF ON TELEVISION! I WILL NOT COOK WITH ANY INGREDIENTS LESS THAN THE BEST! FUCK YOU GUYS!
~He flips the table over, sending all the non-organic fruit and veggies flying. The crowd sits in stunned silence. Chef Chaos rips his hat off and throws it at the hosts...because it weighs like, nothing, it doesn’t reach them. This makes him angrier. He storms off set, ripping down the drapes that act as the ‘entrance’ for guests. Once gone...everyone gives the scene a few seconds to simmer. The Kinda Black Guy looks into the camera, maintaining his composure~
Kinda Black Guy: We’ll be right back, everyone.
Vapid Blonde: Me Too!
~We cut away~
Who’Re: Well then.
Marcus Welsh: The audacity of those hosts...interrupting Chef Chaos like that.
Who’Re: Kinda disappointed. Was looking forward to obtaining a new juice recipe.
Marcus Welsh: I got all the juice I need right here.
~Welsh crushes his solo cup and begins drinking straight from the bottle~
Marcus Welsh: Oh yea, baby. What do you think about that, whore?
Who’Re: I think we need to send it down to our musical act for the evening. Who did you book this week?
Marcus Welsh: Pssh. I don’t know. Some band or singer or something...maybe it’s a singing otter. Wouldn’t that be cool?
Who’Re: Streamers! Sit back and enjoy tonight’s unique performance!
~The stage is set. Out comes the one...the only...JAN TERRI! She’s looking as fit and fine as ever. She blows a few kisses to some of the ravenous homeless men...ravenous for ass. They flash their dicks at her. An act that would get them arrested at normal wrestling shows...but considering this building is one heavy rain storm away from condemnation...it goes unpunished. Terri’s music fires up and she begins her powerful song~
~The homeless men in attendance cat call and whistle at Jan. She ‘accidentally’ drops the mic and turns around, bending over to pick it up. Her plump ass is pointed right at them...she looks into the camera and covers her mouth with one hand as if to say ‘oops’. This sends a bunch of the homeless men into a frenzy. They rush the stage. Jan giggles and skips to the back leading the homeless men...nowhere we wanna be. So we cut back to Who’Re and Welsh~
Marcus Welsh: Something about that woman. Something about her.
Who’Re: Can’t really argue that statement.
Marcus Welsh: Whore, did I ever tell you that…
Who’Re: Marcus...first of all, get your hand off me. Second, if this is about…
~There is a knock at the door. Welsh snickers~
Who’Re: Who could that be?
~Who’Re...being the only responsible person in the room, gets up to answer the door. Standing behind it is most certainly Cap Slock...but he’s dressed as a delivery man~
Who’Re: Cap Slock?
Cap Slock: HEHE I GET THAT ALOT MA’AM BUT IM MERELY A DELIVERY BOY. PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY UNCONTROLLABLE YELLING. ITS NOT A CHRONIC CONDITION LIKE THE GREAT AND ALMIGHTY CAP SLOCK. ITS SIMPLY NERVES FROM BEING ON TV IN FRONT OF…
~He stares right into the camera~
Cap Slock: MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
Who’Re: Umm...okay. What’s in the box?
~Cap Slock who IS carrying a box, places it on the announce table in front of Who’Re’s seat. She sits. Welsh is giggling and drinking vodka – the combination leads to some spillage~
Cap Slock: WHY OPEN IT UP AND FIND OUT. ITS A SURPRISE.
~Who’Re is actually kind of excited. People love surprises! She rips at the box and opens the top. She eagerly looks inside. She suddenly stops. Her smile vanishes. She sighs with extreme disappointment. We zoom in to find a giant SAUSAGE~
Cap Slock: EAT THE SAUSAGE, WHO’RE. EAT THE WHOLE SAUSAGE.
~Who’Re, about to back hand Welsh, realizes he’s already passed out. So, she shuts the box and hands it back to Cap Slock~
Cap Slock: CAN I GO NOW?
Who’Re: Yes, you can go.
~Who’Re looks back into the camera~
Who’Re: And now let’s go to the ring for tonight’s one and only match.
~We cut to the ring. It’s the same as always. Was once the nicest ring in professional wrestling...now it’d barely pass as an aging ring inside a broke ass training establishment. But, whatever...it’s all we got...so back off. Predator stands inside...his legs crossed, trying to hide the massive erection he’s experiencing after watching Jan Terri. Scruff is leaning in the corner, chewing on some rat jerky~
Predator: And I thought last week’s musical act was hot. Jan Terri was quite, simply en fuego! My loins are going to explode with pleasure once this match is over with...hope it’s a short one...for the cleaning crews sake! Haha, I’m just kidding. We don’t have a cleaning crew...but what we do have is a match...so, let’s get to it. Introducing first…
~Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods makes her way to the ring. She’s smiling and wheeling a shopping cart full of her stuff. Inside we see several homemade collages with the same picture of Frank James Mofield glued over and over and over and over. She looks kinda dirty and alarmingly thin. The homeless life takes its toll. Even Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis questions whether or not he’d fuck her...a question which he quickly answers by saying, “Who the fuck am I kidding, I’d totally dip my dick into that crazy bitch!” Woods reaches the ring and elegantly walks the steps before demanding someone hold the ropes open. Scruff obliges. She steps through~
Predator: From the HEART and SOUL of Frank James Mofield...she’s...ah crap, I’m not reading all that...she’s a woman of many talents and business ventures...ladies and gentlemen...Louise ‘The Cat’ Woods!!
~The bums are kinda like “Yea yea, sure, whatever.” But Louise takes this intro as some kind of award ceremony and blushes. She bows and thanks them all for their adoration before going into a sudden and explosive tirade against the police and local government~
Who’Re: That poor woman needs some help. She’s clearly spiraling deeper and deeper into the depths of dementia.
Marcus Welsh: Huh? What? Is that you using all those fancy words?
Who’Re: Yes, Marcus. It is. And I’m glad you’re awake and showing me some respect.
Marcus Welsh: Haha...whore.
~Marcus passes back out.~
Predator: And her opponent…
~It’s a song, alright. The kind of song that says “Man, we really tried to find the perfect song that embodied what Chef Chaos is all about but gave up and went with a Nine Inch Nails song from a David Lynch film.” Chef Chaos emerges pushing a cart full of gourmet food. He’s in his chef attire. He yells out, “COOKING IS THE PERFECT DRUG...AND IT’S AN ART!” Shoving the cart down the ramp he heads for the ring. All the bums turn in unison...like robots. They sense FOOD. Even Louise is at full and complete attention – being homeless and all.~
Predator: From The Chaotic Kitchen...here is...Chef Chaos!!!
~Chef Chaos asks for a mic. Predator hesitates before making it very clear this is the only mic they have. Chaos stomps his foot, growing impatient...the mic is handed to him. He speaks~
Chef Chaos: Thank you. Doubt you would have been so suspect if I’d have been a painter instead of a chef but, hey, that’s okay. I’m used to it by now. Anyway...you see this cart? It’s full of gourmet food. Gourmet food prepared inside The Chaotic Kitchen for all of you! I expect five star reviews on my personal Yelp page. However...I ask one thing...I ask you all wait to enjoy this food after -
~The starving bums have breached the barricade! Chef Chaos tries to protect his cart of gourmet food, but it’s too late. They rush the cart. Chaos manages to get out a, “STAND BACK YOU DAMNED, DIRTY BUMS!” but it’s too late. They topple him and his food. It resembles a pack of zombies jumping on a living person. Predator exits the ring, his boner rubs against the middle rope...so he exits and enters over and over. We cut away once we see the Youtube view count drop by 50%. Louise remains inside, contemplating whether or not she should get in on the action. We hear the bell sound~
Who’Re: It appears Chef Chaos might not even make it to the ring.
Marcus Welsh: SNORES
Who’Re: This is probably for the best. At least this way Louise can have shelter for the next...however many days until her second round match.
~Suddenly, a group of policemen enter into the OCW Arena. They rush toward the ring. Louise tilts her head with curiosity~
Who’Re: Welp. It’s the Police. I figured we were operating on borrowed time.
~The bums see the police and scatter. They leave behind no food…aside from a few crumbs and a laid out Chef Chaos. His cart is damaged beyond repair. The police reach the ring and slide in, surrounding Louise~
Police: Louise THE CAT Woods?
Louise Woods: I am Louise Woods...high school graduate and business graduate. Lover of Frank James Mofield.
~The police reach in, snaring Louise and applying cuffs~
Police: You’re wanted for the disappearance of Frank James Mofield.
Louise Woods: Mi amore! Frank James Mofield! I’ll never tell!
~We aren’t sure what that means...but she’s hauled out of the ring, up the ramp and back to the local precinct. Scruff is standing in the ring...he’s wondering what all this means. Chef Chaos manages to find a half eaten slider. He grasps it with his right hand and slowly crawls for the ring. He crawls up the steps and rolls in under the bottom rope. He rolls onto his back and raises the half slider in the air...a sign of triumph. The bell rings~
Predator: Here is your winner as a result of...his opponent being taken to jail for suspicion of kidnapping...CHEF CHAOS!!!!!
Who’Re: Chef Chaos manages to snare half a gourmet slider along with victory here tonight! Louise Woods had a clear path to victory but, unfortunately, her demons got in the way once again. I just hope Frank James Mofield is okay and not chopped up and at the bottom of the Atlantic somewhere. That gives us three participants in the second round...Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis, THE JUDGE, and now Chef Chaos. Next week we’ll find out the fourth and final second round competitor!
~For a split second, Who’Re considers dumping the rest of Welsh’s vodka all over his head but decides against it proving, yet again, to be the superior human being~
Who’Re: And that does it for another episode of Monday Night Massacre! We’ll see you guys next time...be safe!
~We cut outside the OCW Arena. It’s barren. A few tents are scattered around resembling a neighborhood of vagrants who, for some reason, can’t get inside the arena. These people must be SUPER homeless. Regardless, they’ve found a spot to live without consequence. There’s also a winnebago in the back...it’s shitty, blocky, and fucked up. Living inside is a man named Chase. May be the same Chase from THE JUDGE’s courtroom...only time will tell. One car does catch our eye...cruising through the parking lot at an extremely safe rate of speed~
Voice: What’s happened. It looks like this place could use a hero.
~The vehicle circles the parking lot a few times before coming to rest. The driver’s window rolls down and an elbow rests atop the opened area. The individual releases a heavy sigh. We zoom in on the plate of the car (which is a particular shade of green). The plate reads “UBER”. We cut away~