LIVE! Tuesday, April 27th 2021
From The OCW Arena
Oh my gosh. How exciting was last week, fans? The world (via the Tube of You) watched in awe as The Bum put Greta Wolfe back into the kitchen in route to claiming a spot in the second round of this special OCW Tournament.
I dunno about you guys but it gave me some serious wood. And, speaking of wood...home remodeling is extremely important, especially during violent weather seasons. So, be sure to keep that insurance updated and your Rolodex filled with the very best in home remodeling moving forward.
And, speaking of moving forward...we jump to right now. Tonight. Yes, tonight IS the night. Or, well, one of many nights. How many nights? We’re not sure. But one of at least a few more...probably.
Tonight Marcus Welsh, the totally sober and not at all depressed GM of OCW, unveils two new competitors who will do battle for the right to face The Bum in Round 2 of this 8 person tournament.
This new era of OCW has me so excited my bowels are just about ready to release. So, let’s get to it!
~A couple of shitty Youtube ads play. They seem oddly ON THE MONEY in relation to whatever weird shit you’ve been googling all day. HAHAHA. Fuckin internet. Gotta love it. The OCW logo flashes before taking you directly to the OCW Arena! It appears very much like it did a week ago. Kinda dark. Kinda dingy. Filled to the fuckin brim with homeless people. But, it is alive...which is more than what any of us could have said over the past year. The homeless people are buzzing about their brother Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis and his historic achievement. In fact, Dale is in the crowd enjoying a couple of 40oz malt liquor beverages. He’s got the hottest bitch in the house on his lap...a female bum so hot, she damn near has all of her teeth. We zoom toward the GM office where Marcus Welsh and Who’Re are standing by~
Marcus Welsh: Alright! We’re back...back again back again...Welsh is back, tell a friend.
Who’Re: And I’m back, too!
Marcus Welsh: Yes, Whore. You are back. And you’ve got back..if you know what I mean!
~Marcus appears to already be buzzing pretty hard. Who’Re forces an anxious smile~
Marcus Welsh: I see The Bum is enjoying himself down there. Say, Whore...did we sell any tickets tonight?
Who’Re: We did not. Sorry.
~Welsh goes quiet. He palms his coffee cup and tosses back what’s left inside. He coughs and wipes his lips clean~
Marcus Welsh: Well, isn’t that just fan-fucking-tastic.
~Welsh refills his cup with liquid from a plastic bottle of vodka~
Who’Re: Should we introduce tonight’s competitors? We are live on Youtube.
Marcus Welsh: Yea, sure. WHATEVER.
Who’Re: Fans...let’s take a look at tonight’s competitors. The first of which is already a familiar face...ladies and gentlemen, here’s a closer look at KAINE.
~The lead singer for the world famous Wally World Encinitas is shown. He probably has a real name...but we’re gonna call him KAINE. He’s seated on a couch with a youngish looking woman in a bikini. The woman is hugging all over him, running her hands across his bare chest. A pair of shades hide his extremely tired eyes. He pulls from a cheap cigarette~
Kaine: It ain’t easy being a rockstar. Back in the eighties, man, I was rockin. Touring from town to town. The fame hit like a kick in the dick from an angry prostitute after you ‘accidentally’ slip it into her ass. You know what I’m saying?
~Kaine grabs a handful of ass~
Kaine: We sure did raise raise a lot of Ruckus. Then the 90s rolled around. Cocaine was no longer the drug of choice. Nope. In the nineties I turned to a new drug – social issues. I produced powerful hits like “You ain’t no color to me” and “We all got a little black in us” and “Brother or Brutha, it’s all the same to me.” I like to think I did my part in the fight for racial equality.
~He tickles the girl’s neck with his pinky~
Kaine: Those songs sure did raise a lot of Hell. The 2000’s came along and everything changed. Real music went the way of a dead body dumped into a casket and lowered six feet into the ground. All this pop and electronic shit ruled the industry. No talent, man. No talent. No voice like...thiiiiiieeeesssssaaaauhhh!
~It’s a powerful belt, for sure. Kaine obviously has some intense vocals~
Kaine: So I took it upon myself to return to my roots. I brought back the high end vocals to remind people what REAL music sounds like.
~He leans forward, staring into the camera~
Kaine: In other words. I raised some KAINE.
~It feels like we should cut away. He leans back and strokes the hair of the woman leaning all over him~
Voice: Uh, sir...is that woman next to you...is she the woman from your infamous beach video?
Kaine: What do you mean by “infamous”?
Voice: Is...is it her?
Kaine: Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. What’s it to you?
~Kaine is getting a bit defensive. It feels as though a ruckus might break out resulting in some kaine being raised which might ultimately lead to a fair amount of hell~
Voice: Well, word got out the woman dancing in a skimpy bikini all sexual like in that beach video was...in fact...your niece. And now...well, I see…
~Kaine leaps off the couch~
Kaine: I’ve heard just about enough from you! You probably listen to Cardi Bieber or whatever is hot these days, don’t you? Get the hell out of my house before I RAISE SOME MOTHER FUCKIN KAINE!
~We cut away. Welsh is having trouble opening a new bottle of cheap vodka. Who’Re seems a bit dumbstruck~
Marcus Welsh: Stupid fuckin bottle cap. Why do they have to make the plastic so damn thick around the lid? WHY DO THEY DO THIS WHORE?
~A swiping, deadly SLASH cuts right through their conversation...along with the cheap plastic. Welsh looks up to spot THE KNIFE MAN staring down at him, breathing heavily~
Marcus Welsh: Oh...uh, thanks, Knife Man. I see you’re well rested.
The Knife Man: Tis not a bother, sir. Always here to help. Continue having a great show!
~The always chipper and well spoken Knife Man exits. Marcus aggressively refills his coffee mug~
Who’Re: Why even bother with the mug?
Marcus Welsh: QUIT TRYING TO OUT ME LIKE I’M SOME KINDA GAY FROM THE 90S, WHORE!
~He glares at Who’Re...his left hand reaches off screen...slowly it reappears, sliding a plastic plate with some sausage on top~
Who’Re: Oh no. Not this again.
Marcus Welsh: C’mon, Whore. Eat some sausage. Have some. In fact, have it all.
Who’Re: Let’s check out our second competitor...the man who will face Kaine. He goes by – simply...The Judge.
~A loud, angry, grizzled voice shouts into all of our ears, threatening to make them explode~
~We cut to an intense court room. What does an intense court room look like, you ask? Well, use your fuckin imagination. We cut to a giant, ripped black man. He’s wearing a court room officer outfit...only the sleeves are cut off. A giant machine gun is draped over his right shoulder~
Officer: Get off your fuckin asses for THE JUDGE
~THE JUDGE enters. His robe has no sleeves. He’s toting an assault rifle and a deadly gaze. His aura is palpable and lethal. Standing near his chair, he gets in position for a seat. Pausing, he eyes the court room, making sure nobody sits before he does. Finally, he plops down. Everyone sighs and sits~
THE JUDGE: Okay. What do we have -
~Someone in the court room coughs. THE JUDGE raises a large book, high in the air, his menacing gaze pierces through the court room~
THE JUDGE: There will be order in this court room or I swear…
~Silence follows. THE JUDGE lowers his giant book. He places glasses over his eyes to read. His stare is so intense the lenses shatter. He removes the glasses and reads with naked eyes.~
THE JUDGE: So, if what I’m reading is correct...the defendant...a man named Chase, is suing White Castle because they overcharged him for hamburgers that gave him instant diarrhea.
~THE JUDGE shakes his head~
THE JUDGE: Where is this CHASE?
~The Defendant, Chase, clears his throat. He’s sporting old glasses and long, curly hair pulled into a pony tail. He’s also got a weird mustache which he probably thinks looks really cool and sophisticated. There’s also a ratty patch of hair on his chin~
Chase: Your Honor. If I may
~THE JUDGE leaps from his chair, pointing a giant, steel gavel at Chase~
THE JUDGE: You may not!
Chase: Well, it’s kinda my right. As an American Citizen and the founder of the Intentional Homeless…
~THE JUDGE brings his steel gavel down so hard his entire desk explodes into a thousand wooden splinters...some of which impale and murder people in the court. He hurls his gavel across the room, through a wall. A loud scream followed by a thud is heard, as a result of his violently judicious act. He slings his gun around and points it at Chase~
THE JUDGE: You better choose your next words wisely, boy. The very sight of you and that facial hair...that smug look...and that smell...it’s got me on the edge.
Chase: Sir, as a future candidate for public office…
~Public office? THIS GUY? THE JUDGE HAS HEARD E-FUCKING-NUFF. He throws his gun over his shoulder and grabs his giant book~
THE JUDGE: THAT’S IT!
~THE JUDGE hurls his book at Chase, smacking him in the face and knocking him into another dimension. The camera zooms in on THE JUDGE. His eyes full of fire. The screen explodes as a transition back to Who’Re and Welsh. Welsh is swaying his head, singing a few unintelligible tunes~
Who’Re: That was yesterday when The Judge threw the book at Chase. He is a strict Judge...but some think he is fair.
Marcus Welsh: HERE COMES THE JUDGE
Who’Re: You wanna lay down for a second, sir?
Marcus Welsh: Not until...you know…
~Welsh wiggles his eyebrows while pointing at the sausage~
Who’Re: Fine. Stay semi-awake.
Marcus Welsh: Where’s the band?
Who’Re: Oh, we’ve got another live act?
Marcus Welsh: Yess. YES. I booked them last night while doing the forgot password option for my OnlyFans account. They looked totally legit.
Who’Re: I think I see the stage being prepped. It looks like they are about to play! Fans...let’s go to the stage for tonight’s live performance!
~The song ends. The OCW Arena is silent...for a split second before the homeless people in attendance go WILD! HUGE OVATION! The Performers dance their way off the stage. We cut back to Who’Re and Welsh~
Who’Re: Somehow that worked.
Marcus Welsh: Tutra turta ama...whatever...what a catchy tune! We should sign them.
Who’Re: Sadly, I think they’d fit right in.
Marcus Welsh: They look like they eat a whole lot of sausage.
Who’Re: And on that note...it’s time for our one and only match of the evening! The winner of this bout will face The Bum in Round 2 of our 8 person tournament for a prestigious OCW Title.
Marcus Welsh: I’m not saying I’ve masturbated on those titles. But, I’m not saying I haven’t.
Who’Re: Oh my gosh. TO THE RING
~The ring looks in decent shape. Decent enough, anyway. Predator remains wielding the mic with Scruff proving to be OCW’s most loyal employee~
Predator: Before we get started. The woman that was on stage...I’d like to share more than words with you after this show is over. I encourage you to bring that guy, too. Anyway...it’s now time for the second match of round 2 in an 8 person tournament for the right to be crowned champion of a belt Marcus Welsh may or may not have squirted a bunch of human tadpoles all over. Introducing first…
Lead Singer: Let’s raise some ruckus, baby. Whaddya say?
Drummer: Let’s raise some helllll-uh
Guitar Guy 1: yea lets raise some hell!
Slash Wannabe: I say let’s raise some ruckus.
Guitar Guy 2: No I say let’s raise some KAINE
Lead Singer: LET’S RAISE SOME KAIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE
~Kaine steps atop the stage with what is more than likely his niece hanging all over him. He slaps her ass. She leads the way. He struts down stage belting out several high pitched tunes. The homeless population chant “KAINE! KAINE!” He reaches the ring and hustles up the steps. He pauses, reaching for his back. Instantly, he catches himself...realizing this makes him look old and haggard...he straightens up and yells out “I’M JUST PLAAAYYYYYYEEEEEINNNNNNNAAAAAAAHHHHH” The homeless people, thinking this might be some cool dance move, all reach for their backs and limp around. He sighs with relief and enters into the ring~
Predator: From the hearts of groupies all over this great nation. He started by raising a little ruckus. He continued by raising quite a bit of hell. But, tonight, he looks to raise a whole lotta kaine...ladies and gentlemen...KAINE!
~Kaine throws a few air punches, being very careful to not agitate his back~
Who’Re: I’m not sure what to say about his female accomplice but I will say that Kaine appears to be enjoying the spotlight.
Marcus Welsh: I bet that slut of a niece would eat some sausage.
Who’Re: Marcus! There’s no proof she’s his niece. And, besides...that’s no way to speak of a lady on a random Youtube stream.
Marcus Welsh: Quiet, WHORE
Predator: And, his opponent…
~THE JUDGE bursts onto the stage. The curtains instantly incinerate from the flame that surrounds his mighty aura. He marches down the ramp...the entire OCW Arena trembling with each step. His assault rifle is strapped across his right shoulder. He’s carrying his large book and metal gavel. His eyes remain focused on Kaine~
Predator: From THE COURT OF LAW….he is...THE JUDGE
~THE JUDGE reaches the ring. He leaps onto the apron. He hops over the top rope and into the ring. THE JUDGE is as nimble as he is fierce. Kaine looks on like “what the hell”. THE JUDGE walks by Kaine and casts a look of disgust. He finds his corner and rips his robe off. He carefully places his rifle and gavel down, under the bottom buckle. He holds onto his book for a moment~
Kaine (0-0) vs. THE JUDGE (0-0)
~Predator exits. The bell sounds~
Who’Re: I wonder who The Bum is rooting for in this one?
Marcus Welsh: *SPLAT!*
Who’Re: Oh dear. It appears as though our fearless leader has passed smooth out. That’s okay. I’ll carry us home.
~Kaine leans through the ropes and motions toward his probably niece. She walks up and gets on her tip toes. He leans down and kisses her on the lips. A random bum yells out “THAT’S YOUR NIECE, MAN!” THE JUDGE shoots upright...his eyes bulging. The very sight of this turns his blood boiling lava hot~
Who’Re: I don’t think The Judge approves.
~Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis tries to shut his fellow homeless mate up...but it’s too late. THE JUDGE has RULED. He hurls his book at Kaine. It DRILLS him in the head. Kaine stumbles around before collapsing to the mat. The Judge places a foot on Kaine’s chest~
1!
2!
3!!!
~The bell rings~
Predator: It appears as though THE JUDGE has thrown the book at Kaine and is, therefore...the winner!
~Kaine’s niece tries to get into the ring, but THE JUDGE slides out and grabs her, hoisting her over his shoulder. “COME WITH ME LITTLE LADY, I’M PUTTING YOU INTO CHILD PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.” She yells back, “I’M THIRTY!” But THE JUDGE has ruled. He carries her into the back~
Who’Re: The Judge threw the book at Kaine over what was apparently a bit of incest. Incest that was pointed out by a bum in attendance, much to the apparent chagrin of Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis. My gosh. And now The Judge will go on to face Dale ‘The Bum’ Ellis in the second round.
~Dale stands up and yells a request...he wants STROKIN to play. It does. All the bums begin to stroke it. We go back to Who’Re. Welsh is asleep, snoring, and drooling all over the place~
Who’Re: Thanks for joining us, once again. I’m Who’Re signing off and saying we’ll see you all again next time!
~Before we cut out completely, we get a shot of all the bums STROKIN. One bum, however, seems to be focused on what’s taken place in the ring. He’s got a notebook out. He’s wearing a hoodie. He finishes jotting down some notes before heading toward the front of the railing. Kaine is being helped to the back. The hooded man extends some money...naturally, Kaine grabs it~
Kaine: What’s this for? You think I’m poor? You think I’m out of work? I have plenty of gigs!
~The hooded man whispers something to him. A bum nearby looks at the hooded man with suspicion~
Bum: Wait. I know you. I’ve seen you. Aren’t you…
~The hooded man, eager to shut the bum up steps back and delivers a SUPERKICK into the bum’s face, knocking him out. We instantly cut away~