OCW Presents: A Bifford Massacre~!
LIVE! Monday, February 25th 2019
From The OCW Arena in Key West, Florida
The screen flashes from black, to several moments of static (showing that perhaps Bifford is actually editing and running the production truck himself), to the image of OCW in 2002. Bifford is shown awarding the OCW Championship to Goldie, there are clips of goldfish and a baby turtle, then clips of mules somehow skating on ice, and finally the image of Bifford standing on top of a scaffold holding the OCW World Title.
Mysterious Voice: It’s been nearly 17 years since the world has seen a show actually produced by Bifford… fans from that era that are still alive, though, remember it well…
Some older fans are being interviewed outside the OCW arena.
Fan 1: I remember when he announced the ridiculous goldfish match… nobody knew how to take it..
Fan 2: And then they did the thing with the mules licking the teddy bear… it was a really weird time.
Fan 3: I was stoned for most of it and thought it was awesome..
Fan 1: Yeah, drugs definitely helped that era.
Fan 2: I have dreams, sometimes, about those mules and their tongues… their tongues all over that teddy bear..
Fan 3: It was a fun time to be alive - the titles switched hands non-stop.. remember when Crimson used the Bunsen burner to set himself on fire? He won the freaking Hardcore Title…
Fan 1: Yeah until Triple M came and took it from him…
Fan 2: The mules just kept licking the teddy bear until it was coming apart..
Fan 3: And the Scaffold Match where Bifford kicked both Kreller and Titan 3 off the scaffold and made himself OCW Champion…
Fan 1: Yeah it was all about promoting himself…
Fan 2: Those mule tongues.. they were probably really dry and course..
Fan 3: Bro.. do you see a psychologist or something about this?
The screen flashes to another few moments of static.. probably just a bit too much static.. then to the inside of the OCW Arena in Keywest where the fans are going crazy.
Smith: Welcome to what will certainly be an amazing night of wrestling that will probably be ruined by one man’s insane ego…
Hood: This is THE BIFFORD ERA 2.0.
Smith: How long have you been waiting to say that?
Hood: About a week…
Smith: Well, fans… I’ll be honest, usually we are given a rundown of what is going to happen during a show but we’ve been provided with no such thing tonight so we are going to be surprised right along with you as OCW Presents: The Bifford Era Massacre.
Hood: I like Biff a lot but I’m glad it’s just one week…
Smith: If it was more than one week, I’d be packing my bags…
The theme song from Martha Stewart Living starts playing and the fans don’t recognize it and have no idea what is going on. They react with confusion and seem stunned as television home-life guru Martha Stewart walks out from behind the curtain and walks over to where Smith and Hood are seated. She takes a seat next to them and puts on a set of headphones.
Smith: Um… you’re Martha Stewart…
Hood: I thought you and Bifford got divorced decades ago…
Martha: Well, I owed Bifford a favor since he technically got the cabin in Minnesota in the divorce settlement, but I wanted to host a Bavarian themed dinner party there last year.. so he let me use the cabin as long as I agreed to a future favor… and then I got the call earlier this week…
Smith: Why does Bifford think we need help?
Hood: Well I for one think this is great… did you bring any snacks?
Martha: Why yes I did, Hood… here are some wonderful freshly baked cookies I whipped up in the back…
Hood: Fuck yes… welcome to the booth, Martha Stewart.
The screen flashes to the backstage area where Bifford is sitting at a desk. To his right is Earl the Popcorn Salesman, his long time manager. To his right is Kenny the Intern, who started as one of Bifford’s lackeys when he was in high school and hasn’t aged well.
Bifford: Greetings… my name is President Bifford. As my first order of business this evening, I am adding a participant to the Elimination Chamber at at Social Justice… he needs no introduction as he was OCW Champion before, is in the Hall of Fame, and when Commissioner Cheesy M’s plane went down in the Orient, he became OCW President and has been OCW Champion and President in the hearts of the fans forever… The Big Bifford. It’s official. The contract is signed. There’s nothing Dean can do to take me out of this match… Paras, I’m coming to get my belt back…
Bifford clears his throat.
Bifford: Now, tonight will be a special night of wonderful action… so… let’s head to the ring where I’m told THE APPARATUS has been erected..
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Canaan Crowley (0-0) vs. Jack Puffer (0-2)
Kelly: Hello OCW! My name is Kelly and I’m the ring announcer tonight! No reason necessary!
She bounced around a bit after saying that and the fans cheered.
Kelly: The following is an ARM WRESTLING MATCH and it scheduled for one fall… already in the ring with me and the referee is…
Kelly looks down at her notes.
Kelly: Jack Puffer!
The fans react mildly cheering for Puffer.
Kelly: and his opponent..
Kelly looks down at her notes as Death Dealer by the Enigma TNG starts playing and Canaan Crowley begins walking to the ring.
Kelly: From Black Diamond, weighing in at 220lbs., he is Conan Crowley!
Smith: That’s a Canaan.. where did Bifford find this woman? She’s obviously never done this before..
Hood: Shut up… don’t correct Kelly… isn’t she lovely?
Smith: Give me a break…
Martha: A break? Do you need some coffee cake? I’ve been baking some over here..
Hood: I’ll take some! How on earth are you baking? Oh you’ve got a little oven there… wow..
Canaan climbs into the ring and looks at the arm-wrestling podium and then at the referee, and begins arguing, saying that this is stupid. The referee just shrugs and says he has his orders. The two men approach the podium.
Smith: So for those of you who don’t know, Bifford actually hates wrestling and prefers stupid shit like this..
Hood: Stupid shit? Watch what you’re saying, Smith… this is going to be gold…
Canaan and Puffer get into position and look at one another as they lock hands. The fans begin to buzz a bit, wondering who will win this contest - they don’t seem to mind that it isn’t going to be a wrestling match. The referee grabs the two men’s connected hands and then shouts go as he releases their hands.
Smith: Well.. play by play on this should be exciting…
Hood: Looks like Canaan’s got the upper hand…
Puffer definitely seems to be struggling and then Canaan just slams his hand down, winning in a very decisive fashion. They release hands and Puffer acts like he’s hurt, grabbing his wrist and hand.
Smith: Well we’ve got a winner… I hope there will be some actual wrestling on this show…
Hood: Shut up… you and your wrestling..
Kelly: And your winner of the ARM WRESTLING MATCH… Conan Crowley!!
Canaan doesn’t seem like he’s done though. He walks up behind Puffer as he recovers and lifts him up and drops him with a Death Valley Driver right next to the podium.
Smith: Oh.. this is not good sportsman-like conduct…
Hood: Since when does OCW have that?
Canaan walks over to the podium and knocks it over onto Puffer, leaving him laying under the apparatus.
Smith: Oh for goodness sake… let’s have some order here..
The screen flashes to the backstage area where Bifford is seated at his desk laughing with Earl the Popcorn Salesman.
Bifford: Did you see that? He knocked over the fucking podium on that guy.. someone make Crowley the OCW Hardcore Champion right now…
Earl: It’s not called that anymore… it’s the Savage Championship…
Bifford: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard… What is the next match?
Earl: Tag Team Action - Team Atari vs. Deluxxx.
Bifford: Those are stupid names… let’s make it a race around the building instead of an actual match…
Earl: You really hate professional wrestling, don’t you?
Bifford: You better believe it…
The screen flashes to the backstage area where people are going insane and chaos is reigning as people try to follow Bifford’s ridiculous rules. Several referees are setting up the backstage area for the race. One referee is talking openly about quitting if Bifford ever gets to run a show again.
The screen then flashes out to the commentators. Martha Stewart appears to be tossing a salad at the desk.
Smith: Well, this is a new low..
Hood: Dude, she’s making your salad stop complaining…
Martha: Now I’m going to add the shallots..
Smith: I’m not talking about the salad… thanks for making that for me, Martha… I’m talking about the tag team match becoming a race in the backstage area… this isn’t right.
Hood: Nobody wants to watch these people wrestle…
Martha: Now I’m going to add the tomatoes…
Smith: Let’s go to some footage from before the show tonight featuring Bester…
Hood: Martha, when you’re done with the salad, think you could whip me up some chocolate cake?
Martha: Oh I have a wonderful chocolate cake recipe… it includes…
Smith: Martha, before you tell us that, let’s go to some footage from earlier tonight…
Outside the OCW Arena roughly an hour before the show begins. The fans have lined up, all ready to get inside and see who wins the Goldfish and Baby Turtle Elimination match. Several kids are with their parents and they are all geeked up for the show tonight. Many of them want popcorn, a soda, candy and their parents are telling them “When we get inside.” “When will that be?” “Soon sweetie, soon. We have to wait for the doors to open.” If you have kids, you know the drill.
But then, something happens that ruins the Woodstock like feel in the hot blazing sun.
“NO! NO! NO!” A handful of little kids begin to chant. This causes everyone to look towards them and that is when everyone pretty much starts chanting….
NO! NO! NO!
Stopping in his tracks as he makes his way towards the OCW Arena is Bester. Hoping to make amends with his Rainbow Warriors, he was hoping to meet with them prior to the show and tell each and every single one of them that he is sorry.
NO! NO! NO!
The kiddies, they band together, forming a little kid human wall blocking his access to the OCW Arena.
NO! NO! NO!
Bester is shocked, again, but the outrage from his once proud fan group.
Bester “No! Please! GIve me a second chance!”
NO! NO! NO!
His bitter and jaded Rainbow Warriors shout at him.
Bester “I’m Sorry! I’m so sorry!”
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
Bester drops to his knees and clasps his hand together in front of him.
Bester “I’m Begging you! Give me a second chance! I’m sooooo sorry! I will make up for this!”
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
Bester falls forward on the blistering hot concrete as this is ripping his heart in two. The one united front of kids point blank don’t want to see him.
GO!
GO!
GO!
Bester is crying, again. Finally Joe Jones with Nanook help Bester to his feet.
Joe “Come on buddy, time to go. Maybe next week.”
GO!
GO!
GO!
Bester “WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? I’M SORRY!”
GO!
GO!
GO!
As Joe with help from Nanook start to drag Bester away, the kiddies, they start to cheer and high five one another. So happy with themselves that they chased off Bester….
The screen flashes back to the backstage area where Kelly, still in a bikini, and a referee are standing at the starting point of the race.
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Hood: You better not fall during a race…
Kelly: The participants are Team Atari and Team Deluxxx!
Kelly bounces around and points at the teams, still holding the microphone.
Smith: This is so horrifying… it’s 2019…
Hood: It feels like 2002 to me.
Martha: Hood, do you like macadamia nuts? Sometimes I add those to my chocolate cake…
Hood: Oh sure, Martha… for you, anything.
The referee looks at the two teams. He explains that the first person to make it around the arena and back to the starting point is the winner. Then he does a countdown 3.. 2.. 1. He waves and both teams start running in the backstage area. The camera is pretty shaking as the camera man starts running to keep up with the teams.
Smith: Shit… we got shut down once because Bifford was a murderer… we’re gonna get shut down again but this time because he’s an idiot and nobody would watch this.
Hood: I also like toasted almonds, Martha.
Martha: Oh those are my favorite…
Smith: Oh for the love of…
Rounding a corner, the race seems to be favoring Team Deluxxx, however, one of the masked members of Team Atari run up behind Shootah and drop him with a bulldog.
Smith: Woah! That’s not how you win a race!
Hood: Actually I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how you win a race.
The other masked member of Team Atari runs up behind John E. Depth and tackles him from behind. While on the ground, the masked wrestler slams his forearm into the back of Depth’s head twice. Getting back to his feet, the members of Team Atari look at each other and then beginning jogging at a comfortable pace.
Martha: I thought this was a professional wrestling show? I haven’t been paying attention, but it just seems like I’m baking and cooking and these men are jogging… this is really more of a variety show.
Hood: We like to do things in a variety of ways here in OCW.
Smith: This is so stupid… but it looks like Team Atari is going to jog comfortably to victory.
After this segment running way too long, Team Atari finally have done a lap around the backstage area of the arena and arrive back at the starting line. The referee is there, along with Kelly who is still wearing her bikini. As Team Atari cross the finish line the referee signals for the bell.
Kelly: Here are the winners of the race, Team Atari!!!
Kelly drops the microphone, claps, and jumps up and down. Team Atari look like they’ve had enough of this bullshit and walk off.
The screen flashes and takes us back to Bifford’s office where Biff and Earl have apparently been watching the race quite closely.
Bifford: I never liked masked wrestlers, but those kids have got some style..
There’s a knock at the door and it opens, Kenny the Intern walks in and up to Bifford’s desk.
Kenny: Really, Biff? A race?
Bifford shrugs.
Bifford: I just didn’t want to watch any more wrestling today…
Kenny: We haven’t had a single match yet… and back in the day it seemed like we did slightly more interesting things… like the mule race… or that high school we trashed for the hardcore match with Fenix and Tommy Crimson.
Bifford: We can’t afford that, I’m on a fixed income.
Kenny: You keep saying that…yet, you spend a lot of money on really frivolous things… like why did we buy sixteen flamingos on the way here tonight?
Bifford shrugs again.
Kenny: Anyway, Biff… someone named Ariel Shadows sent a message saying they have a flat tire and won’t be able to make it here.
Bifford: Who?
Kenny: I’m not sure… they’re on the roster and have a decent record of 4-1.
Bifford: Are you aware of what my record is against Triple M? 3-0. Because I’m better than Mario.
Kenny just sighs.
Kenny: Please tell me the six man is just going to be a wrestling match…
Bifford: Yep… you’ll get your beloved wrestling finally.
Kenny: I don’t like wrestling either… but I think if we are trying to run a wrestling company we should probably have some.
Bifford: Arm wrestling is kinda like wrestling.
Earl: Not really, man… and later on we have that fucked up match with the fish and the turtles… gotta put something normal on.
Bifford: Fine… let’s see what’s going on over at the merchandise stand…
The screen flashes and we go to a shot of the merchandise tables. Nanook, the once proud owner of ESM and the one time agent to Bester is slowly making his way towards the merch table, where he had to take a job there to help make ends meet selling merch for OCW ever since Joe Jones took over his company from him and is paying him what he paid Joe the last 4 years.
Nothing.
So fresh from his dark match dressed as a Alaskan pimp and wrestled under the name “Eskimo Pie”, Nanook limps his way towards his work station for the night. Once there, he removes his pimp jacket and takes a seat on a chair. He cracks open a bottle of water and is about to take a sip when a little kid runs up to the table. This kid is 9ish at best.
“Hey!” He says to Nanook. “I saw you lost again.”
Nanook looks at the kid, he wants to tell him to go fuck off, but he gets a tiny commission on what he sells so he has to be nice to the kid in hopes he has any money and wants to buy something. Or! Better yet, the kid wants a auto or a pic with him and that will cost the kid five bucks.
Nanook “Yeah! It was tough. Just wasn’t my night.”
Kid “You know you have lost for the last 4 weeks in a row now? I’m here for every show. My mommy gave me season ticket for Christmas. She said it was from Santa, but I’m no dummy.”
Nanook “I know. Maybe next week.”
Kid “You lost as a cow. You lost as a Truck driver. You lost as a sumo wrestler and now as a pimp. You just suck.”
Nanook rubs his forehead. “This fucking kid..” He thinks to himself and he looks at the kid and smiles. That is when he notices the shirt the kid is wearing.
Nanook “What’s your name kid?”
Kid “Scotty.”
Nanook “Well, Scotty. Let me ask you something. You like OGDA?”
Scotty “I used to. But not anymore. Ever since he took off his mask and was mean to everyone, I don’t like him anymore.”
Nanook “Then why his shirt?”
Scotty “It’s the only one I have. Mom gives me enough money for the snack bar and that’s it.”
Nanook “I see. Let me ask you something else. Would you like to see OGDA return with his mask?”
Scotty “Can I run up to him and give him a high five?”
Nanook “Sure.”
Scotty “And he’s wearing the mask again?”
Nanook “Sure is!”
Scotty “And he’s not mean to anyone?”
Nanook “No. It’s like he’s the old OGDA again.”
Scotty “I would like that! I miss OGDA. But I heard he threw his mask away. All of his superpowers were in the mask. Without the mask, he can’t be OGDA again.”
Nanook “Really?”
Scotty “That is what the comic book says.”
Nanook “Comic book?”
Scotty “Yeah! There was 4 of them and I returned soda cans and mowed some lawns and saved my money and bought them. I even got OGDA to sign one of them. In the comics, he was gifted the mask from the old OGDA, a great Mexican luchador who grew old and couldn’t be OGDA anymore, so he passed the mask onto Bester who showed to him he's a good person with nothing but love in his heart, who would stand up to the bullies and put the meanies in their places. He proved to the elder OGDA that he can protect the Rainbow Warriors and be their hero. So the mask and all of the powers that are in mask were past on to Bester once he slide the mask on, he became OGDA and powers from the mask flowed into him.”
Nanook is thinking “There was a fucking comic book? Fucking Joe! Why didn’t I think of that.”
Scotty “Only someone worth worthy can wear the mask. If someone who can’t meet the standards as the next OGDA, then the mask won’t give them it’s superpowers.”
Nanook “Huh! Who knew. So….Let’s say the mask was found.”
Scotty “Was it!”
Nanook “Maybe. If someone else was to put the mask on and they became OGDA…”
Scotty “THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!”
Nanook sees Scotty light up with excitement. The gears are turning in Nanook’s mind.
Nanook “One more thing kid.”
Scotty “What’s that?”
Nanook reaches under the table in front of him and digs in a box. He pulls out a Bob Grenier shirt and tosses it to Scotty.
Nanook “Next week, when I’m that ring for my match. Just cheer for me okay?”
Scotty is all geeked up, he holds the Bob Grenier shirt up and is so happy.
Scotty “Sure thing Nanook! THANKS!”
The bell rings signally that the next match is about to begin. Scotty takes off running clutching his new shirt. Nanook reaches in his pocket of his pimp jacket and pulls out the OGDA mask.
Nanook “Superhero powers you say? Hmmm.”
The screen flashes back into the arena and the commentary desk where Martha Stewart has lit a blowtorch and is making crème brûlée.
Hood: Martha… I know you’re only supposed to be here for one night, but would you like to come and live in my home and cook for me all the time? It’s not a fancy place, but it’s an apartment with very minimal smell..
Martha: We both know that won’t work, Hood… but you can enjoy this wonderful lavender crème brûlée right now…
Smith: All good things must come to an end… speaking of which, our record of not having any wrestling on this program must now end.
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Kelly: The following match is a ROTISSERIE CHICKEN ON A POLE SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH!
Smith: That son of a bit-
Hood: ROTISSERIE CHICKEN ON A POLE!
Martha: Why would it be on a pole? Is it still cooking?
Kelly: The winner of the match will be the first team who retrieves the rotisserie chicken from the pole… already in the ring with me is the team of Tornado Alley and Tony the Spider!
The crowd cheers politely for them.
Kelly: And their opponents…
Welcome to the Party by French Montana begins playing as two men and a woman make their way to the ring.
Kelly: Making his debut this evening, Jason Kortare.. and his tag team partners Aubrey Baxter and Trav Morgan!
The crowd boos as the three wrestlers climb into the ring. Meanwhile, Martha Stewart has made her way to ringside and is assisting the referee in stabbing the chicken with the pole and then raising it high above one of the corners. Martha, satisfied with the chicken being secure, heads back to the announce table. Kason, Aubrey, and Trav look irritated with the silly stipulation that has been added to this match and definitely look like they feel they’re above this all. Tony the Spider, who apparently will be in the ring first, looks up at the chicken, feeling slightly confident that he can do this.
Hood: A good ol’ fashioned rotisserie chicken on a pole match.. this is just what the doctor ordered…
Smith: This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.. welcome back, Martha… you couldn’t do some grilled corn salsa for me, could you?
The bell rings and Jason and Tony begin circling one another, looking to lock up. They move into the center of the ring and lock up, Jason showing his strength quickly pushes Tony into the corner where the chicken on the pole is located. Tony shouts as his back is forced into the turnbuckle, and Jason begins hitting right hand after right hand. He grabs him and nails a DDT out of the corner.
Smith: This isn’t lookin’ good for ol’ Tony Webb…
Hood: Do things ever look good for him?
Martha: I don’t know who roasted that chicken, but it is well done.. it looks quite good.
Jason pulls The Spider back to his feet and stands behind him, lifting him and dropping him with a rough German suplex. Right back to his feet, Kortare pulls Tony up with him. Tony is barely able to stand when Kortare executes a beautifully spinning roundhouse kick. Tony’s arms get locked on the top rope and he is standing there stunned and having no idea where he is.
Smith: Tony the Spider is in a different dimension right now..
Hood: He doesn’t look good…
Jason jumps up to the second turnbuckle and grabs the pole that the chicken is on. Rather than retrieve the chicken, he pulls the whole pole up out of its holder and he’s standing there with a 6 foot metal pole with a chicken on top.
Smith: Ummmm… Referee?! You’ve gotta stop him!!!
But just then both Aubrey and Trav jump the top rope. The referee sees their movements and turns his back to Jason Kortare. Kortare swings the metal pole with the chicken on it like it’s a baseball bat and just about takes Tony the Spider’s head right off. The crowd groans seeing the hard shot to the head… but it doesn’t stop there. Kortare turns and runs at his opponent’s corner where the Tornado chasing tag team are standing. He swings the pole like it’s a bat again and knocks Vortex down with ease, but the force of hitting Vortex doesn’t stop the pole and it continues until it connects with Debris, who goes down like a sack of potatoes.
Smith: REFEREE! LOOK BEHIND YOU!
Kortare grabs the chicken off the pole and walks over to the referee, tapping him on the shoulder. The referee turns and sees Jason holding the cooked bird and signals for the bell.
Kelly: Here is your winner, Jason Kortare, Aubrey Baxter and Trav Morgan!
The fans boo as the two men and Aubrey raise their hands in victory. Jason, however, turns and walks over to Tony Webb who is still laying motionless on the ground. He leans down and slams the rotisserie chicken into his face, adding insult to injury.
Smith: Well.. an impressive debut tonight for Jason Kortare… but what violence and anger he showed…
Hood: Well, that’s what you’ve gotta do to be noticed.
Martha: Smith, do you want your corn salsa spicy? I’m just about done but need to add some jalapenos.
Smith: No I like things mild…
Hood: No surprise there…
The scene changes to the backstage area where two OCW stagehands are wheeling a giant aquarium that is full of water around. They pass The Lost Soul who looks at them with a bit of pity, knowing they’re having to work for Bifford tonight.
Hood: I for one look forward to the return of the Goldfish and Baby Turtle Match…
Smith: I for one would just like a good straight wrestling match…
Hood: That’s because you’re boring and want mild salsa…
Martha: Mild salsa can be nice… especially for a hot day in the Summer… Perhaps you’d like a nice Pina Colada to wash this down, Smith?
Smith: That sounds great…
Hood: … fine. I’ll take one too.
The scene flashes to the office backstage where Bifford is sitting with Kenny the Intern glaring at him.
Kenny: You said no bullshit in that last match…
Bifford: You know I can’t help myself… plus that Kortare guy really stood out with his aggressiveness..
Kenny: Speaking of him standing out… dude’s still in the ring.
Bifford: What do you mean he’s still in the ring?
Kenny: I mean he’s still there…
Bifford: Shit… well… he has a microphone… turn it on.
The scene changes back to the arena where Kortare is still standing in the ring without his partners, microphone in hand.
Jason: You know, now that I am officially here in OCW, I figured this would be the perfect camera time to truly express myself on who Jason Kortare is. Well, after doing some thinking, I decided that I'm gonna do the right thing and share this moment of camera time with two very special people in the back. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new happily married couple, Tison Kalei and Aubrey Baxter!
Over the loudspeaker, “Wedding March” plays as a cameraman is standing on the stage waiting for the couple to make their appearance. As both Tison and Aubrey walk slowly from the entrance tunnel and onto the stage, the crowd is cheering and booing as they are both hand-in-hand. Randomly staring at each other, the cameraman takes numerous photos of the couple before they start to walk down the aisle and towards the ring. As they reach the ring, Tison escorts Aubrey to the ring steps and holds her hand as he helps her up onto the apron.
Pulling himself up onto the apron by using the ropes, Tison places his foot on the bottom rope while lifting up the Second rope and allowing Aubrey to step into the ring. As he then steps through the top and middle rope, they are then met by Jason who faces them in the ring.
Jason: Tonight I had my debut match and last week you two debuted here on Monday Night Massacre. We could officially celebrate our arrivals coming to OCW but there is so much more that we can celebrate. First congratulations on you two getting married.
T. Kalei: Jason, thank you.
Aubrey shook her head in agreement.
T. Kalei: I didn’t expect any of this.
Jason: “I have known and worked with Aubrey for years in different companies. We've had our problems in the past but it was great to finally team up with her tonight. Tison, when we were both in WWH, I wasn't exactly a good guy to you or Aubrey. I would like to take this time to apologize for anything that I have done to you or Aubrey.”
Looking at Aubrey and then back at Jason, Tison replies.
T. Kalei “Honestly I’m shocked to hear you say that coming from me. Aubrey has known you longer but you mentioned WWH and well, that place still leaves a taste in my mouth. I have two brothers who are still there and if they could be here, they would”.
Jason: “It’s funny that you would say that because I would also like to say, tonight is a special night, because in honor of celebrating you guys getting married, I was able to invite your long time friend to the arena tonight. He's currently in the front row. Jackson Black, get on in here!”
Jason smiles as Tison walks towards the ropes and points at Jackson in unbelief as Jackson stands to his feet from his seat. OCW ringside security helps make way for Jackson to get around to get to the ringside area but he can’t find a way. Jackson holds a finger up as to say what a minute and he hops over the barricade, similar to the way he did with Tison and their other brother in the WWH company.
Jackson Black enters the ring as Aubrey was surprised to see him. Jason shook hands with Jackson and Jackson then turns around and embraces Tison with a hug as Aubrey claps for them both. All three men stand together as Aubrey moves over to the corner.
Jason: “I was able to get Jackson here in the arena tonight, he's here to not only celebrate your marriage with Aubrey, but to also congratulate you on coming here to OCW. Tison, you truly are an athlete man and I think you are truly going to bring greatness here in OCW just like me. I think I'm gonna let Jackson share some words as well.”
Jason hands the mic over to Jackson.
Jackson Black was all smiles as he looks over at Tison.
Jackson: “Congratulations on everything Tison. You've been like a brother to me for a long time. May your life with Aubrey feel like heaven….Because here in OCW I'll be giving you Hell.”
Jackson Black quickly strikes Tison Kalei with a blow to the jaw! The crowd reacts like crazy as Tison falls to the mat with Jackson and Jason stomping him hard on the mat! Aubrey was speechless and in shock as she stands in the corner. Jackson grabs Tison and strikes him down with a Diamond Cutter stunner! Tison looked like he was out cold.
Jason grabs Tison Kalei and tosses him out of the ring as Aubrey quickly gets out of the ring area and rushes to her husband's aid. Jason Kortare and Jackson Black raise their hands in victory as they now escort themselves out of the ring and towards the back area. Aubrey was mortified…
Hood: Well that was a hell of a thing… Martha, these Pina Coladas are something else… thank you.
Smith: I’m hearing there’s something going on in the back…
In the backstage area, two more OCW stagehands are walking, carrying a wooden crate with holes cut into it with the words BABY TURTLE written on the side in red paint. They again pass The Lost Soul who just shakes his head and gives them a look of pity.
The screen flashes back to the ring where Kelly is standing, holding the microphone, and looking great in her patriotic bikini.
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Elimination Chamber Qualifier
CJ O'Donnell & The Incredible One vs. Andrea Hernandez & The Lost Soul
Kelly: The following match was scheduled to be a SCAFFOLD TAG TEAM MATCH for the qualifiers for the Elimination Chamber… However, we are on a fixed income and thus cannot afford scaffolds.
Smith: Oh this son of a bitch needs to be fired… this is a qualifying match for one of the main events of the next Pay Per View and he’s going to pull some sort of bullshit..
Kelly: With this fixed income in mind, the following match will be a three-legged tag team match, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the team of The Lost Soul and Andrea Hernandez!
Ultranumb by Blue Stahli begins playing and The Lost Soul and Andrea Hernandez make their way to the ring, the fans cheering them and generally seeming to legitimately like them both. As they climb into the ring they see two referees armed with a lot of duct tape. The Lost Soul shakes his head when they walk up to them and begins to argue against them taping them together. The referees just tell him that it’s their job, but he keeps arguing, shouting about how this match is stupid and he doesn’t want to be in it. Eventually, he caves and the referees begin taping TLS’s right leg to Andrea Hernadez’s left leg like they were going to have a three legged race.
Kelly: And their opponents… The Incredible One and "The Distinguished" CJ O'Donnell!
Are You Ready by Disturbed begins playing as the two men walk out. They look all business and don’t look like they’re going to argue about the match being stupid as they head to the ring and notice their opponents are already taped together. The crowd seems to be booing them and definitely sees TLS and Aubrey as being the crowd-favorites in this match. Once they get closer to the ring, both TIO and CJ break into a sprint and slide under the bottom ropes, running at TLS and Andrea, they clothesline them over with ease since they couldn’t move fast enough while tied together.
Smith: OH THE CHEAP SHOT!
Hood: Gotta strike while the hammer is hot!
Martha: Would you like some cocoa? Gotta have some while it’s hot…
Smith: I’ll take some ovaltine if you’ve got any…
TIO begins stomping on TLS and CJ begins stomping on Andrea as the referees trying to separate them, but TIO and CJ manage to get a number of hard foot-stomps in on the grounded three-legged team. They’re finally restrained and move back into their corner as the referees go to work taping The Incredible One’s right leg to CJ’s left leg. Meanwhile TLS and Andrea are having a difficult time getting back to their feet. Finally, with use of the ropes, they do. The referee, seeming to not waste a second after they’re up, calls for the bell.
Smith: Well.. this is certainly unique folks… both tag teams are tied together..
Hood: Gotta get along with your partner… or murder them and drag their carcass around…
Martha: Oh did you say carcass? I was just about to start pulling the pork from our roast suckling pig…
TIO and CJ charge in at TLS and Andrea and begin firing right fists. TLS and Andrea begin punching back and we have an all out war with rights and lefts firing - however no punches landing with quite their full force due to not being able to move 50% of their legs. TLS and Andrea looking to be getting the better of this exchange as TIO and CJ are pushed back toward their corner. Finally TLS and Andrea look to hook their opponents’ necks and lift them with a double suplex. The process takes a bit of time, as they’re unaccustomed to working this way, but finally they lift both TIO and CJ in the air and vertical suplex them down to the mat. The crowd goes wild.
Smith: Crowd goes wild for the craziest suplex I’ve seen in a decade!
Hood: Yeah but at what cost? Did you see how long it took The Lost Soul and Hernandez to get up last time? If it takes that long again, The Incredible One and CJ might be there waiting for them.
However it appears that TLS and Andrea learned how to do it last time and get to their feet before TIO and CJ have begun. They walk over and grab the two men and lift them to their feet. TLS signals to Andrea, telling her to get ready to DDT them. They set up for a double DDT, but their opponents struggle free. TIO hits some rough shots to Andrea while CJ begins nailing a series of kicks to The Lost Soul with his free right leg, holding himself up with the leg that is tied to TIO. Finally, they decide to go with the idea of the others and hook them up and hit a double DDT on The Lost Soul and Andrea Hernandez.
Smith: Crowd not so enthused about that DDT… they don’t want to see Andrea Hernandez and The Lost Soul bested here…
Hood: Well, they might need to get used to it…
TIO and CJ manage to get to their feet pretty fast. They look at each other with frustration, not sure how much they can do while tied together. TIO actually says audibly “this is so stupid.” However a figurative light bulb goes off above TIO’s head and he signals to CJ that they should piledrive them. CJ nods in agreement.
Smith: Well, this is smart.. I guess This Damn Incredible is the only of their finishers that they can execute while tied together…
TIO and CJ walk to where TLS and Andrea are and lift them to their feet. Both men kick their opponents in the stomach to set them up for the piledriver… however, they take just one second too long in setting them up and TLS and Andrea somehow manage to maneuver behind them. They set them up and prepare to double-German Suplex them. Lifting them up over their heads, in an amazing sight, TLS and Andrea launch their opponents in the air. However, both TIO and CJ manage to land on their feet while TLS and Andrea fall backwards onto their backs. TIO and CJ swing around and are ready for them to get back to their feet.
Smith: That was a hell of a move, but The Incredible One and CJ were just a bit more agile there…
TLS and Andrea get back to their feet and are met with two more kicks to the midsection. They’re set up and double piledrove in the middle of the ring.
Hood: This Damn Incredible!!!
Both men manage to cover their opponents and the referee jumps down to count the pin..
1...
2...
3!!!
Kelly: Here are your winners The Incredible One and CJ O’Donnell!!
Smith: It’s gotta be nearly impossible to kick out of anything with your legs tied to someone… really hard-fought match there - anyone could have won, but with a stipulation like that… it was just going to be the first person to go for the pin..
Hood: Or you could just admit that CJ O’Donnell is a superior specimen.
Martha: Are these matches usually contested under these rules?
Hood: Yes.
Smith: No, Martha… never… this is just a weird night.
Martha: Well, with Bifford in charge, it would be…
In the backstage area some OCW stagehands walk by carrying gallons of water on dollies. They pass the spot where The Lost Soul was standing earlier, but he’s obviously not there having just been in a match.
Smith: I assure you, were TLS not in the midst of having duct tape cut off of his leg, he would give a disapproving look right now..
The scene changes back to Bifford’s office where he and Earl the Popcorn Salesman are tied together to simulate the match they just watched. The door swings open and Kenny just glares at Bifford.
Kenny: That was so stupid… that was an important match, Bifford… you better not have anything suspicious planned for the main event tonight…
Bifford: The Spirit of the Internet Title Invitational? Never…
Kenny just stares at Bifford silently.
Kenny: … Bifford… that’s not the main event. The Main Event is Triple M against Silver Cyanide.
Bifford bursts out laughing.
Bifford: Kenny, I’ve beaten Mario 3 times in the three matches I’ve had since coming back to OCW. Do you think I’m going to let him Main Event my Massacre? Never.. he’s on next…
Kenny rolls his eyes and walks out of the room as Bifford and Earl continue trying to walk about while tied together with duct tape. The scene switches back to the announce desk where Smith look irritated, Hood looks very happy, and Martha Stewart is using a deep fryer on the desk.
Smith: Someone needs to go back there and piledrive Bifford and Earl…
Hood: Watch your mouth… also, did you hear? The Spirit of the Internet Title Match is the MAIN EVENT!
Smith: Every match tonight has had the spirit of the Internet Title all over it… there’s a reason why that Championship has been retired time and time again..
Martha: Retirement? Oh.. I’ll never retire - when you love your work as much as me, you don’t want to… Would you like an empanada?
Smith: Do you have a deep fryer over there?
Martha: I never leave home without one..
Hood (mouth full of empanada): I love you Martha…
The scene changes to the ring.
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'Marvelous' Mario Maurako vs. Silver Cyanide
The lights go out and the OCW fans give a cheer, as it is required to cheer when the lights go out at a wrestling event. The cheer quickly morphs into boos, however, as G.O.A.T. by Polyphia begins to play over the speakers. Lights begin to swirl and spin across the crowd as Silver Cyanide steps out from behind the curtain, foam-and-plastic OCW replica belt slung over his shoulder. He pauses on the stage and peers over the crowd, giving a small sneer at the negative response he’s receiving. Kelly, in the ring in her bikini, looks down at her notes and reads.
Kelly: The following match is a ”non title” match and is scheduled for one fall…introducing first, from Boston Massachusetts, standing 6’2 and weighing 220 lbs, he is “the current OCW foam belt holder”, Silver Cyanide!
Smith: Cyanide is really pushing this OCW foam title deal. I think it is absolutely crazy that Mario Maurako accepted a Hazardous Ladder Match for it at Social Justice!
Hood: Mario is desperate! Cyanide is just trying to show him that he can’t hack it anymore with his dodgy heart!
Smith: The big question is…we haven’t seen Mario in weeks, ever since he lost to Bifford. That’s why so many people were surprised when this match got booked!
Hood: Oh, Mario is here! He’s too stubborn and proud to take Cyanide’s advice and quit!
Martha: Hold on, Bifford is still wrestling?
Smith: I know it’s hard to believe…
Cyanide, who has made it to the ring, holds up his foam title at a couple of the turnbuckles, displaying it proudly for the crowd. He points at it and shouts “MARIO HAS NO CHANCE AT THIS”, which only serves to produce more boos. He sets the title down at ringside, where a ring worker scoops it away for safe-keeping, and turns to wait for his old friend and current rival to appear. On cue, Kickstart My Heart by Mötley Crüe begins to play and the fans once again return to their cheers as the highlight reel of Mario’s best moments plays on the OCW Tron.
Kelly: And his opponent, from Minneapolis, Minnesota…standing 6’2 and weighing 245 lbs…”Marvelous” Mario Maurako!
Kickstart My Heart continues to play as Cyanide and Scruff stand in the ring in anticipation…but time continues to drag on and nobody steps onto the stage.
Smith: Are you SURE Mario is here, Hood? Did you see him backstage?
Hood: I mean, I didn’t, but hey, this may be the first time I’m wrong! Maybe Mario really DID quit!
Mario’s music cuts out and the fans begin to boo again. Scruff and Cyanide look at each other and Cyanide turns to yell at Belvedere at ringside to announce Mario again. Belvedere hesitantly raises the microphone to his lips again.
Kelly: …And…and his opponent, again, from Minneapolis, Minnesota…”Marvelous” Mario Maurako!
Kickstart My Heart starts up again…and continues to play. Nobody appears from behind the curtain. Scruff begins talking to OCW staffers at ringside, seemingly to figure out what the next step should be.
Smith: Scruff is asking our staff right now if Mario should be disqualified.
Hood: That would be bullshit! These fans paid good money for this main event, and Mario doesn’t have the respect to show up and put on a show for them!
Cyanide rolls from the ring and snatches the microphone away from Belvedere, hopping back into the ring and raising it to his lips.
Cyanide: Mario, you son of a motherless goat, I knew you would finally take my advice! I knew you’d quit!
The fans boo as Cyanide points accusingly at the backstage area.
Cyanide: This is just like you, when the going gets tough, YOU get going! Did your heart finally explode? You’re not even going to make it to the Hazardous Ladder Match at Social Justice!
Cyanide turns to address the crowd.
Cyanide: There you have it, folks! My job here is done! Mario Maurako, your hero, is not the man you thought he was! He’s gotten weak in his old age, and now he’s showing his true colors! Mario Maurako ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF! Mario has always been a backstabbing hedonist, and this just proves it! Mario took his ball and went home! So here’s your chance everybody, on the count of three, everybody yell “GOODBYE MARIO!” One…two…
Kickstart My Heart starts up again and the boos of the crowd transform immediately to cheers. Cyanide turns to look at the OCW Tron again, his jaw agape.
Smith: OH BOY! Cyanide is in for it now! Mario showed up after all!
Hood: More like Mario is in for it! Cyanide’s gonna stomp him into dust!
Mario’s music continues to play and the crowd waits on their feet in anticipation…and finally, the curtain under the OCW Tron parts and the crowd goes wild!
Smith: Here he comes!
…and out from behind the curtain steps a frail, old man, clad in a smaller version of Mario’s ring gear. He leans forward on a walker with two tennis balls under the front feet. He wheels himself out to the middle of the stage and flexes for the crowd. Cyanide is in the ring, laughing heartily at the fans in the stands.
Hood: That’s him all right! That’s Mario! I told you he was here!
Smith: Oh stop it, Hood! This is some sick joke by Cyanide! This guy is older than Ehud of Moab!
Old Man Mario continues to wheel his walker down towards the ring, occasionally raising a fist triumphantly to the crowd. There’s just about to be a riot in the stands. Old Man Mario makes it to ringside and a couple of OCW staffers run over to take his walker and give him a hand up the steps.
Hood: If Mario takes any longer, we’re gonna have to pay a shit ton of royalty money to Mötley Crüe! I think this song has repeated like six times!
Smith: This isn’t Mario, Hood! Don’t promote this absurdist agenda by Cyanide!
Hood: I say Mario has NEVER looked better!
Old Man Mario stands up straight in the ring, holding on to the top rope a moment to steady himself, before letting go and taking little old man steps to the middle of the ring. Cyanide mouths at him, trash talking, then turns to Scruff and points over to the timekeeper’s table, telling him to ring the bell. Scruff looks back and forth from Cyanide to Old Man Mario, sighs, and signals for the bell.
Smith: I can NOT believe Scruff is letting this happen!
Hood: Of course he is! The match is on the card! It’s gotta happen!
Cyanide and Old Man Mario begin to circle each other dramatically in the ring as the crowd rains boos down upon them. Cyanide raises a hand in the air for Ye Olde Test of Strength. Old Man Mario reaches up and locks his hand up…then they lock up their other hands. The two of them struggle back and forth…more struggle than should possibly be necessary between Cyanide and a dude this old. As they continue struggling, Old Man Mario gives a burst of strength and Cyanide cries out dramatically, falling to one knee. The crowd continues to boo as Cyanide puts on an Oscar-worthy performance, hollering and yelling and straining against the alleged strength of Old Man Mario.
Hood: Look at Mario’s strength! Looks like he’s feeling pretty good lately as compared to his recent heart issues!
Smith: Would you shut up?! I swear, this is ridiculous! The fans here are really giving it to Cyanide for this!
Cyanide gives another exaggerated cry of pain…and then, in a flash, the pain disappears from his face. He scoops up Old Man Mario and deposits him in a very, very gentle fireman’s carry. Cyanide leaps to his feet and flexes for the crowd. People throw popcorn. Children cry. It’s a horrorshow out there. Cyanide turns, wheels his foot back, and then gives a slow, gentle kick to the side of Old Man Mario, who cries out in pain of his own and rolls onto his stomach. Cyanide gives him another excessively gentle kick, then heads over and starts to climb the nearest turnbuckle.
Hood: Look at this! Cyanide busting out the high risk moves early in this match!
Smith: Do I have to keep announcing this? Will I still get paid? Can I just go silent in protest?
Hood: I would LOVE it if you would go silent, Smith! This is my opportunity to take the commentary job! Fuck working color, I’m play by play now! Martha, you can be color!
Martha: Let’s watch our language, gentlemen…
As Cyanide makes his way up to the top turnbuckle, Old Man Mario slowly and unsteadily starts bringing himself to his feet. Cyanide reaches the top and raises himself to his full height, looks down at Old Man Mario, and takes a leap…landing flat on his feet directly in front of Old Man Mario and laying a soft slap across his cheek. Old Man Mario takes an unsteady stumble back, then charges towards Cyanide. Cyanide…”deftly” sidesteps him and forces Old Man Mario’s head into the turnbuckle. Old Man Mario stumbles back again and into a rollup by Cyanide. Scruff unenthusiastically drops to make the count.
1!
2!
3!!!!
Scruff gets up to signal for the bell, but Cyanide leaps up and grabs his wrist, shaking his head. Cyanide holds up two fingers to Scruff, who pulls his wrist free and begins to argue with Cyanide.
Smith: That was CLEARLY a three count!!!
Hood: Shut up Smith! You said you were going silent! Scruff is obviously a little too excited! That was a super fast count.
Cyanide again holds up two fingers to Scruff, who throws his arms up in surrender and makes a signal to the timekeeper that the match is still on. Cyanide reaches down and grabs the ankles of Old Man Mario, lifting him up and beginning to swing him around in a giant’s swing!
Hood: Look at the strategy by Cyanide! Old Man Mario is spinning round and around, where he stops, who gives a fuck! Haha! This is fun! I like being play by play!
Smith: Well, it’s clear to me that my job is in no way in jeopardy.
Old Man Mario continues to twirl in circles again and again and again. Cyanide finally releases him, and Old Man Mario thumps back to the mat, his momentum rolling him towards the ropes and out of the ring. Cyanide wobbles around, attempting to keep his balance, before falling into the ropes and shaking his head to clear it. Scruff begins to count for Old Man Mario on the outside. After a few moments, Cyanide regains his equilibrium and rolls under the ropes. He picks Old Man Mario up, brushes imaginary dust off of his shoulders, gives him an encouraging slap on the cheek, then rears back with his head before delivering a weak headbutt! Old Man Mario falls to the floor again as Scruff counts FIVE! The crowd begins to chant “GET TO TEN” over and over before the chant morphs into “PLEASE COUNT FASTER” clap clap clap-clap-clap.
Hood: A huge headbutt by Cyanide! A man of true virility! A man who can never be defeated by the weak heart of a two faced man like Mario Maurako!
Cyanide flexes and taunts the crowd, who boos him anew. Scruff gets his count up to EIGHT! Cyanide jaws at a couple of kids in the front row, stealing one of their hats and rubbing it on his butt before tossing it back to him. NINE!, counts Scruff, and Cyanide turns and moseys slowly back to the ring, and just as Scruff goes to count TEN, he rolls into the ring…and then rolls right back out. Old Man Mario is on his feet. Cyanide makes his way over to him and Old Man Mario rears back with a punch, but Cyanide ducks it! Old Man Mario spins slowly around to face Cyanide, but Cyanide has quickly zipped back around behind him. The two of them spin in circles for several seconds, Old Man Mario attempting to get to Cyanide, and Cyanide being 40 years younger and too fast for him. The crowd begins a BULLSHIT chant before Cyanide wraps his arms around the waist of Old Man Mario, lifting him up and giving him a very halfhearted German Suplex onto the announce table, which shifts slightly but is otherwise entirely undamaged.
Hood: WOW! A HUGE smack right down in front of us on our announce table! HEY MARIO! FUCK YOU! HAHA! YOU SUCK OLD MAN!
Cyanide pulls Old Man Mario up off the table and drags him to the ring, rolling him inside and climbing in after him. Old Man Mario slowly gets to his feet, and Cyanide gives a huge yawn, leaning up against the turnbuckle in the corner. As Old Man Mario turns to face him, Cyanide takes a step forward and delivers a superkick…that misses Old Man Mario by about a foot. Never mind though, Old Man Mario collapses to the mat, and Cyanide walks over and plants his foot on Old Man Mario’s chest. Scruff drops to the mat, looks up hesitantly at Cyanide, and then begins to count.
1!
2!
~Scruff looks up at Cyanide again, who motions for him to continue.~
3!!!!!
~Cyanide immediately begins jumping up and down with his hands in the air as Scruff signals for the bell.~
Kelly: Here is your winner…Silver Cyanide.
Hood: What a master class in wrestling! A clinic in brutality! Silver Cyanide has obliterated Mario Maurako!
Smith: That was a mockery of OCW and our fans! Cyanide should be ASHAMED of himself!
As EMTs head to the ring to check on Mario, the scene changes to the back where Bifford and Earl are cracking up.
Bifford: That was amazing.. That Cyanide guy, he’s got some serious moxie… He is good people and maybe we should give him a raise… am I able to give raises?
Earl: I don’t think so man, otherwise you’d just give yourself a raise and you wouldn’t be able to use that fixed income excuse anymore…
Bifford: I’ll have you know that I’d like to spend more, but I’m on a very fixed income.
The door opens and Kenny the Intern walks in.
Kenny: Bifford… the fans aren’t particularly happy… before you do your bullshit in the main event, please tell me the next match is just a normal singles match?
Bifford: This one is. I swear.
Kenny just glares at Bifford for a moment before leaving.
Earl: The mules are gonna be in the ring when the camera goes back there, aren’t they?
Bifford: Nah… mules are only for Pay Per Views… I’m on a very fixed income.
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Mike Roth Memorial Semi-Final
Hellraven vs. Zolton
The screen flashes back to the arena where Kelly is in the ring in her bikini with Puff the referee. She looks down at her notes and reads.
Kelly: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is a semi-final in the Mike Roth Memorial.. introducing first from Tokyo, weighing in at 130lbs, she is Hell Raiser!
Smith: That’s Hell Raven…
Hood: Well.. actually given that most of the notes handed out to us and her tonight were handwritten in crayon, she’s actually not doing a bad job..
Raining Blood by Slayer begins playing as Hell Raven makes her way to the ring with the fans cheering her on. She climbs into the ring and poses for them until her music stops, then she faces the entry way and awaits her opponent.
Kelly: And her opponent, from Amsterdam.. oohhh… I like Amsterdam… oh… shit… just read the cards, Kelly… just read the cards and you’ll get paid… stop thinking… stop thinking..
Hood: Oh shit this is good stuff..
Smith: No, this is what happens when you go to the mall and hold auditions for hot chick to be ring announcers…
Martha: Hot chicken? I’ll fry some up right now…
Kelly: From Amsterdam, weighing in at 265lbs, he is Zol… Zoul.. Zowel… Zol..
Kelly walks over to Puff the Referee and consults with him briefly as Rise by State of MINE begins to play. She nods after listening to him and continues.
Kelly: He is Zolton!!! And PUFF IS SEXY!
She said, obviously not knowing what Puff’s name is. The fans pop for that second announcement, but then settle into booing Zolton as he makes his way to the ring.
Smith: I’m waiting for the weird gimmick announcement…
Hood: Biff said it would be a normal match… I think he was telling the truth.
Zolton reaches the ring and climbs in. Immediately everyone can see the size difference between the two - Zolton being a foot taller and 130lbs heavier than Hell Raven. Puff calls for the bell and the two competitors begin circling one another.
Smith: This could be ugly for Hell Raven…
Hell Raven charges at Zolton who lifts and drops her with a hip toss right away. She gets right back to her feet and runs back where she’s met with a drop toe hold. She manages to crawl quickly to the ropes and get right back up. She runs at him a third time and this time he lifts his foot and she runs right into the bottom of his boot. This time she stays down.
Smith: This is getting ugly fast.. he’s too big.
Hood: Words you’ve never heard.
Zolton drops a knee into Hell Raven’s midsection and stays down on his knees, locking a headlock in on her. The crowd boos, both because of the random rest hold this early in the match, and because they aren’t fond of Zolton. Zolton uses the headlock to lift Hell Raven to her feet. He moves in changing the headlock into a sleeper hold. Puff moves in to look for the submission, but Zolton uses the sleeper to slam her to the ground with a violent sleeper hold slam. He covers her and Puff drops to make the count.
1...
2…
KICKOUT!
Smith: Super close there… Hell Raiser needs to get to her feet.
Zolton stands up and walks over to the corner while the referee checks on Hell Raiser. He removes the top turnbuckle and throws it out into the crowd.
Hood: Prizes for everyone!
Zolton walks back to where Hell Raiser has just gotten to one knee and grabs her by a handful of hair. He drags her to her feet and toward the corner where he’s removed the turnbuckle. He tries to slam her face into the exposed buckle, but she raises a leg and hits the middle turnbuckle to block it. She throws an elbow into his stomach to get her to release the hair. Her leg that blocked the attempted exposed-buckle shot shoots back and hits him in the junk. He leans forward, gasping in pain. With this she turns and jumps up hitting a bicycle kick and grounding Zolton.
Smith: Wow! The tides have turned quickly! Zolton was trying to cheat and she managed to block it all..
Hood: But she also cheated…
Smith: Only in retaliation to attempted cheating…
Hood: She’s a cheater…
Martha: You two should stop arguing… try some brownies..
Hood: Is there pot in these?
Martha: I do have a television show with Snoop Dogg..
Hood: I’ll take some..
Meanwhile back in the ring Hell Raven has gotten back to her feet and is climbing up to the middle turnbuckle. She waits as Zolton takes his time getting back to his feet, but the second he’s there she jumps and grabs the back of his head, slamming it down into the mat with a facebuster. She immediately gets back to her feet and drops an elbow to the back of his head. She stands back up and the crowd goes wild.
Smith: Crowd showing some real appreciation for her taking down this much larger competitor..
Zolton begins immediately working to get back to his feet while Hell Raven lurks behind him. He gets to his feet and turns as she runs and tries for the Quoth the Raven Lariat, but he ducks under it. He grabs her after her momentum has stopped and tries to Irish-whip her into the corner with the exposed buckle. He charges after her to splash her in the corner, but as she gets closer she jumps up, hitting the second turnbuckle, and comes flying back at Zolton with the Nevermore Yakuza kick. He does not see it coming and eats the kick 100%. He seems to be out on his feet as she looks at him teetering from side to side.
Hood: This doesn’t look good for Zolton…
She runs at him again and swings with the lariat and hits the Quoth the Raven on him, causing him to take a step back and fall back-of-his-head first into the exposed turnbuckle, which then sends him to the canvas like he’s dead. She runs and makes the cover:
1...
2…
3!!!!
Kelly: The winner who will head to the next round of the Mike Roth Memorial is.. HELL RAISER!
Smith: Again that’s Hell Raven…
Hood: Glad you’re here to always be perfect, Smith…
Martha: I’m not sure anyone is perfect, but these sugar cookies I just whipped up are just about perfection…
Hood: Martha… I hate to say this, but I’m kinda full…
Martha: Hood, shut up and eat the sugar cookies or I’ll stab you.
Hood: Yes, ma’am…
The scene switches backstage to Bifford’s Office. Earl is seated at the desk when Kenny walks in.
Kenny: Uh… where’s Biff?
Earl: He said he was needed to help with the main event, so he put me in charge of the office for now… which brings me to your performance evaluation, Kenny… you see.. this company needs team players.
Kenny: Earl, shut up…
Earl: And you’re just not cutting it, Kenny… we are on a fixed income, you know…
Kenny just glares at Earl and walks out of the office. As soon as the door shuts Earl cracks up.
The scene switches back to the announce desk where Smith looks extremely frustrated.
Smith: Well, Bifford has done just about everything tonight to make our industry a laughingstock… and now they’re setting up an aquarium in the ring.
The scene switches to the ring as OCW stagehands set up the aquarium and begin filling it with water. The pouring of water goes on a few minutes too long until the scene switches to the backstage area. Bifford is standing there with a few stagehands. He is holding a large burlap sack and they have the crate that says BABY TURTLE on the side of it.
Bifford: Tonight is a huge night as we will try to embody the SPIRIT OF THE INTERNET TITLE… no Champion will actually be crowned tonight… but someone will get to enjoy THE SPIRIT of what the Internet Title used to be… and as I’m President of OCW tonight, we’re going to go out there the way President Bifford does… with African American Feminist Music…
Stagehand: Dude.. you’re a white man.
Bifford: Shut up, you don’t know the oppression I feel as a strong and opinionated black woman… now cue me some Tracy Chapman.
Spirit of the Internet Title Invitational
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman begins to play and Bifford and the stagehands walk toward the ring, Bifford carrying the burlap sack and the stagehands wheeling the crate to the ring. As they reach the ring, the officials inside have finally filled the aquarium. Bifford is handed a microphone as he steps into the ring.
Bifford: 17 years ago the first Goldfish and Baby Turtle Elimination Match was held to determine the OCW Internet Champion at Total Demolition II. It took a while of searching over at the OCW Archives and at the Storage Unit of Dean… but I managed to find THE GOLDFISH from 17 years ago…
Bifford raises the burlap sack.
Smith: Oh sweet Lord there’s no way those are alive…
Bifford: And I found the baby turtle… he’s just no longer a baby… and the fish don’t move around much.. Also they haven’t been in water for a very long time… don’t want to hurt them so I better…
Bifford raises the burlap sack and sprinkles the dead goldfish, who are mostly mummified from being in storage for almost two decades, into the water.
Smith: This… this isn’t sanitary.
Two OCW employees carry a large rock into the ring and place it in the aquarium. Then two other employees open the crate and remove the still-alive turtle which is pretty big now. They carry the turtle into the ring and place it on top of the rock.
Bifford: This is an amazing moment that many of our fans never thought they’d live to see… now we don’t have enough time for fancy introductions, so all you wrestlers in the back who want to participate.. come down to the ring.
Bifford: Now… before we get started…
The Lost Soul just glares at Bifford like he hates his guts.
Bifford: I have a special ingredient to add to the aquarium…
A stagehand walks over and hands Bifford a measuring cup full of toilet cleaner. Bifford smiles and shows it to TLS from a safe distance.
Bifford: You know what this is, don’t you TLS? This is part of your soul that I found many years ago… you lost it because you were clumsy… but I still have it…
Bifford walks over to the aquarium and, while smiling at The Lost Soul, pours it into the water.
Bifford: There it is… there’s your soul…
TLS just glares at Bifford, takes a step forward and says “Three Legged Match?” before swinging his foot back and then forward and kicking the side of the aquarium. The glass bursts and water comes flowing forth at TLS and those who stand around him. Dead mummified-and-then-rehydrated goldfish are everywhere.
Bifford: BAD! BAD LOST SOUL!
He shakes his finger at TLS.
Bifford: All of you go sit outside… go sit outside the ring… Guys in the back, we’re going to need the kiddie pool!
The wrestlers walk outside the ring, looking very irritated - not so much with TLS, but more so with Bifford for having them do this stupid match and for making them sit outside now. Every OCW employee who isn’t busy begins running around madly trying to set things up.
Smith: This is very degrading…
The employees begin filling the kiddie pool with water in the middle of the ring while others tend to the turtle and try to collect the dead goldfish-remains and put them into the kiddie pool.
Bifford: Hey you.. hot chick in the bikini… you should announce these OCW Wrestlers…
Kelly (looking panicked): Umm.. Mr. Bronson I don’t have a cue card for this match…
Bifford: Just make it up, darling, nobody cares…
Kelly walks out near where the wrestlers are waiting and looks really hot. She begins trying her best, standing in front of Bear first.
Kelly: Introducing… a big scary guy…
Kelly moves forward and stands in front of Dazi.
Kelly: This one appears to be a woman… she’s relatively attractive…
Kelly shrugs and moves on, moving to stand in front of Vargas.
Kelly: This one looks like he’s probably from the South…
Kelly smiles at Vargas awkwardly and then moves on to Max Ironside.
Kelly: Uh.. this one… has something wrong with him? Differently-abled? I’m not sure what we’re supposed to call them nowadays…
She offers Max a high-five and he takes it. Then she moves along to Tom Ambrose.
Kelly: This one seems like the kinda guy that would try to hit on me at the nightclub before I even got my first drink.. just like.. give me a little time to settle in, creeper…
She rolls her eyes and walks past him to The Lost Soul.
Kelly: This guy is like a creepy haunted clown or some shit… and apparently his soul is made of toilet bowl cleaner… that doesn’t make a lot of sense…
She shrugs and then looks to Bifford for approval.
Bifford: Good job, hot bikini girl… By the way if you head over to OCWCAMS dot com after the show, Kelly will be there to answer your questions for money. She may or may not get naked… it depends how much you tip her.. she gets to keep a whole 20% of the tips you send… and things are looking pretty good… you all can get in the ring…
The wrestlers climb back into the ring, looking like they’re one second away from leaving. The kiddie pool is assembled but the rock and the baby turtle haven’t been put in yet.
Bifford: Now before we put the baby turtle in, I’ll explain the rules to you… you’ll wrestle and when someone gets thrown into the kiddie pool, they are eliminated.. If two or more people get thrown in at the same time, they are both eliminated. If you put yourself into the pool, you are eliminated. Any part of you touching the pool counts… the last person left is forever imbued with the SPIRIT of the Internet Championship… you don’t actually get a belt and you won’t go down in history… you’re a bunch of nobodies… but you’ll be imbued forever with the spirit of the title.
TLS jumps out of the ring and walks over to where Kelly is and takes the microphone.
TLS: What if we all dip out foot in the pool at the same time and don’t give you the satisfaction of declaring a winner, Bifford?
Bifford shakes his head.
Bifford: No.. if you do that I’ll declare myself the winner and put another W in my record.. Now, before we begin… let’s add a little more essence of The Lost Soul…
Bifford signals for a staff member to bring him some toilet bowl cleaner and he walks over to the pool to pour some in. Meanwhile The Lost Soul has rolled into the ring behind him. He runs up behind Bifford and dropkicks him. Bifford falls forward into the kiddie pool, causing a massive splash. The crowd goes wild.
Smith: Bifford has been eliminated from a match I’m not sure he’s in!
Bifford struggles but gets back to his knees, covered in water and looking furious. Bear walks right up to him and wraps his hand around Bifford’s neck. He lifts him up and chokeslams him onto the mat. The crowd goes wild.
Smith: Finally this bully and idiot is getting some comeuppance for this awful show!
Bear and The Lost Soul grab Bifford and drag him back to his feet. Dazi Miyashita is waiting and as they turn she swings her leg up and nails Bifford with a Hardcore Punishment, a roundhouse kick. Bifford appears to be unconscious on his feet as Bear and TLS hold him up. They turn around and Tom Ambrose superkicks Bifford who is definitely in another dimension now.
Hood: Someone stop this! This is insane! Bifford is our hero!
Martha: Let’s be honest, Hood.. he deserves this.
Bear and Lost Soul give Bifford a little push toward Max Ironside. Max is waiting and drops Bifford into Han-decapitation, his facebreaker knee smash. Bifford lays motionless on the ground as the crowd goes wild. The Lost Soul, who appears to be in charge of this anarchy, signals to Vargas to do a move on Bifford. Vargas motions at the motionless Bifford like ‘he’s already dead guys, let’s move on’ - but TLS shakes his head. TLS heads to the top rope as Bear rolls Bifford onto his back. TLS jumps and hits Souled Out from the top rope - his somersault legdrop. The crowd is going wild and chanting OCW!
Smith: Well… at least we’re sending them home happy..
TLS and Bear drag Bifford back to his feet again and throw him over the top rope. Bifford hits the apron and then slides down to the ground with a huge thud. The wrestlers all move in around the kiddie pool, looking at one another, looking relatively happy with what they’ve just done. TLS looks around at them.
TLS: okay at the count of three we all put a foot in the water and there will be no winners or losers from this stupid match…
1..
2..
3.
Everyone put their right foot into the water at the exact same moment…. except Chad Vargas, who pulled back and then rolled under the bottom rope as quickly as he could. He throws his hands into the air in victory, jumping up and down like he just won the World Title.
Kelly: And your winner is…
Kelly goes running after Vargas, her bikini barely holding her rack in as she runs like a scene out of Baywatch to catch him.
Kelly: Your name?
Vargas: Vargas!
Kelly: The winner of the SPIRIT OF THE INTERNET TITLE GOLDFISH AND BABY TURTLE ELIMINATION MATCH IS… VARGAS!
Hood: Vargas wins! That’s how we send people home happy!
Smith: At least we got to see Bifford get his ass kicked…
Martha: It’s a good thing…
The wrestlers in the ring look on in shock as Vargas walks up the ramp celebrating his victory like he just won a hard fought match. They all shake their heads and look disappointed.
Smith: Well, ladies and gentlemen.. we can’t say it was a great night… we can’t say it was a good night.. we can’t say it was a professional wrestling show because I’m pretty sure there was only one actual match with any sanity involved… But it was interesting to bring you this edition of Monday Night Massacre.. The Bifford Era, mercifully, is over… again. We hope to see you next week and remember to mark your calendar for Social Justice. Goodnight everyone!