OCW Presents: Massacre
LIVE! Monday, June 4th 2018
From The OCW Arena in Key West, Florida
~You’re antsy. It’s Monday night. Massacre is just about to air. This chick you invited over is attempting to catch up on Westworld. She’s in the middle of that weird ass oriental/Asian episode. You hated that episode then. You REALLY hate that episode now. You’re trying to convince it isn’t worth finishing but, damnit, she ain’t no quitter. Finally, you get desperate. You step outside for a smoke. You dial her number using some shady ass app that causes your number to come up different. She answers. You pretend to be some concerned citizen living nearby who has just seen her cat escape from her apartment window. She freaks out. You are relieved that you guessed right. You hang up and step back inside to find her in a rush. She apologizes profusely before exiting…you pretend to be disappointed. You linger in the kitchen until you see her drive away. Then you SPRINT for the living room and flip to STARZ because it’s time for MONDAY NIGHT MASSACRE! You catch that sweet ass OCW logo just in time before it cuts to the sold out OCW Arena in Key West, Florida. You sit back and relax…all is well~
Smith: Hello again everyone and welcome to another edition of Monday Night Massacre!! I’m your host Smith and alongside me, as always…Hood. And tonight is the final Massacre before we pack up, head to Nebraska and witness…The Greatest Show on Earth
Hood: Fuck we’re already traveling to the middle of nowhere? It’s only been a month!
Smith: Five weeks, Hood. Five weeks
Hood: Still…I dig Key West. We should just do our shows here. I mean, why Nebraska?
Smith: Why not?
Hood: Because, Nebraska
Smith: Intelligent response as always. Anyway fans we’ve got a lot of action set for tonight including a very personal main event as OCW Champion, The Incredible One takes on his former bodyguard and, more importantly, former friend…Knux
Hood: Good friends make better enemies, Smith. Had TIO paid Knux what he was worth and didn’t spend all those years skimming off the top…well, Knux might still be by his side today.
Smith: Yea, that’s not accurate at all
Hood: Sure it is. But let’s get to the big news of the evening
Smith: The epic tag match we have in the middle of the show?
Hood: Uh, no. I’m talking about the return of MARVELOUS Mario Maurako!!
Smith: That certainly is big news. Anytime an OCW Hall of Famer comes home it’s big news. And a pretty decent segue considering TIO and Maurako used to be stablemates. Heck, some might say Maurako taught TIO a lot of what he uses today.
Hood: Maurako was the architect of The Family. A stable that housed TIO, Roach and that weirdo who claimed he couldn’t feel any pain. You just know Maurako is back to put TIO in his place.
Smith: Or here to congratulate him on a great 2017
Hood: No way. Not Mario. But, fuck it…let’s quit speculating and let the man speak for himself. Hot damn I’m so excited…been looking forward to this ALL WEEK!
Smith: Well, okay then…folks…it’s time for a Marvelous Return
~“When Johnny Comes Marching Home” a Patrick S. Gilmore composition starts as a marching band makes their way out from the back. They are followed by four camels carrying swimsuit models who wave to the crowd. The band continues marching toward the ring and playing their music.~
Smith: It’s time everyone, for the return of the 2-Time OCW Hall of Famer!
Hood: YES! This should be the Main Event! Mario has come home! Again!
~Twelve gorgeous belly dancers follow behind the camels trying their best to do their belly dance to the unaccustomed marching music. Following the belly dancers are two chiseled Tiger trainers walking two Bengal Tigers, one orange and one white~
Hood: What a showman!
~The marching band begins to march around the ring and the parade line continues behind them. Their first song ends and blends into “The Stars and Stripes Forever” as a High School Color Guard comes out twirling American Flags~
Smith: Ladies and Gentlemen the Key West High School Color Guard.
Hood: Oh who cares about them? We are ready for the man, the legend, the Hall of Famer, The Marvelous One!
~An elephant emerges from the back with a juggler standing upon its back juggling bowling pins. The band finishes making its way all the way around the ring and is now making its way back to the back as everyone watches the spectacle unfold. It takes some time for the elephant to make its way around the ring and back but it does and the music fades~
Hood: Was that it?
~A motor can then be heard revving up and “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue hits. Out comes twenty dancing girls followed by an original Hummer with Mario’s face painted on the hood. The fans erupt as the Hummer makes its way out and parks in the aisle flanked by the twenty dancers. The Hummer sits there as the music blares on with still no sight of The Marvelous One, except his painted mug on the hood of the Hummer. A man with cargo shorts, sandals, hawaiian-esqe shirt and a headset makes his way out from the back and walks over to Smith at the announce position~
Man: He’s not here. We have to cut to a commercial or something.
Hood: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE ISN’T HERE!?
Smith: The show just started, you want us to go to commercial already?
Hood: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT HERE? I CAN CLEARLY SEE HIS FACE ON THAT HUMMER
Smith: Folks, it appears we've been stood up...let's go to commercial while we get things sorted out down here
LIVE! THIS Monday, June 11th 2018
From the OCW Circus Tent in Papillion, Nebraska
~We cut back to Smith and Hood. Smith is beaming with ebullience. Hood looks like he’s about to puke and then murder something~
Smith: Welcome back everybody…sorry about that Maurako snafu from a few moments ago. Apparently signals got crossed and the Marvelous One was unable to attend tonight’s show.
Hood: Fuck this shit
Smith: But I am told he will be at The Greatest Show on Earth as a SPECIAL REF for the Kestrel, Curt Canon match. So, how about that, huh?
~Smith looks around as though the fans can hear him. They can’t. Hood just sits back with his arms folded~
Smith: But we promised you fans a hot opening and we are going to deliver…so let’s go down to the ring where ANOTHER Hall of Famer is standing by
~Alice can be seen in the ring wearing overalls. She waves to the crowd and gives a thumbs up to Hood who looks disgusted~
Alice: I would like to treat everyone here at the OCW arena in lovely Key West to an excerpt from my one woman play, 'Ant Frank: A Musical Parable' written, directed, starring and songs by me, Alice Knight. I hope you all enjoy it. Please, hold your applause and cheers and gifts for me until I am finished. Thanks.
~She points to Scruff.~
Alice: Lights, buddy Scruff!
~Scruff then turns on a large flashlight and points it at Alice spotlighting her as the arena lights go dark~
WOOOOOOOSH!!!
~Alice makes a loud water noise as she spins around the ring until dramatically stopping in the middle. She pretends to hold a large cooking pot~
Alice: "Dearest Gregory, how shall we survive this heat wave with only this one pot of noodles and no water to cook them in, ah?"
~Alice jumps to the side and puts a finger over her upper lip as if it were a mustache~
Alice(in an inaccurate racist manner): Well hello 'der Miss F'wank. I didn't see yo' pwetty self ovah der. Say, I can lend yee a cup of wah-ter if you need it, Miss F'wank.
Hood: Jesus fucking Christ...
Smith: Sssshh. I want to see if Miss Frank takes the water...
Alice: Oh Gregory. If we are this desperate for water in this drought... what about the animals... animals that can be found at Mini's Pet Shop, off eagle street by the Dunkin Donuts on 35 Webster Street.
~Alice winks into the camera. She jumps back into character when she collapses on the mat. She dramatically places the back of her hand on her forehead acting dehydrated. The audience gasps when she falls~
Alice: Oh Gregory. We must help the animals, not just the ones at Mini's Pet Shop, off eagle street by the Dunkin Donuts, 35 Webster Street. NO! But every animal, insect and flying animals. Um, Ants and fish too. Around this country. Ya know?
~She rushes to her feet, doing the finger/mustache again~
Alice: Well o' course, we can. I have a Well. And to-gedder, we can save ev-wey animal. From bugs, to flying fish, to wild cats... animals.
~Alice does a weird hand gesture to Scruff, who instantly tosses her the acoustic guitar. She begins tuning it up~
Alice(singing): Wellllllllllll... the well saved us from dying.
The well saved me from crying.
Come to the well, we're making spaghetti, it's gonna be so much fun.
Come to the welllllllllll, spaghetti is YUM YUM YUM!
~Alice takes a bow. There is a long silence of uncertainty~
Hood: Well at least this crowd isn’t completely bat shit cra…
~The crowd erupts with cheers!!!! Some throw flowers and rose petals at her. Some throw confetti and straws for some reason. Bird feathers can even be seen thrown into the ring. We spot Smith standing up at the announce table clapping harder than he’s ever clapped…even harder than that time when he saw one of the final performances of CATS on Broadway. There are tears welling in his eyes. He sniffles and uses the sleeve of his sports coat to wipe his eyes dry. Hood looks at him in complete disgust~
Hood: It’s official – you are no man
Smith: I wouldn’t expect a man of such low breeding to understand the greatness we just witnessed. What tragedy…what emotion…what suspense…my goodness, that was an absolute privilege to witness…a PRIVILEGE!
Hood: No, it was fucking retarded. I’m considering scooping my eyes out with spoons. I’m not sure I ever wanna see again…I’m so…oh mother fucker shit she’s coming over here!
Smith: ALICE ALICE! OVER HERE! MY GOODNESS, WHAT A PERFORMANCE!
~Alice heads over carrying all the flowers, petals, confetti, feathers and, yes, even the straws, in her arms. She takes a bow for Smith. She looks Hood’s way. Hood simply flips her off. Alice laughs like Hood’s messing with her. She reaches over to ruffle his hair…he leans back~
Hood: Get this bitch away from me!
Smith: Better if you don’t touch him, Alice. He’s not a man of the arts.
~Alice nods, accepting this knowledge. She bows over the announce table while Smith continues to clap. She then heads backstage to thunderous applause. The fans chant “ENCORE!” Hood looks around with fear in his eyes~
Hood: Please…for the love…tell me she’s not going to do that again
Smith: As much as I’d love to see it again…I’m afraid we must move on
Hood: First good news all evening…what a shit start to the show...first Mario stands us up and then…then we get THAT. I don’t even know where to…WHAT THE FUCK
Smith: What’s wrong?
Hood: An ANT just crawled across my hand!
Smith: It’s just an ant, Hood. Calm down.
Hood: She’s infested with ants! They are falling off her wherever she goes…not only is she a menace but a health hazard! Geezus, Smith…what the fuck!
Smith: I’m sure that ant didn’t fall off Alice. I’m sure it was just around…I mean you do drink an awful lot of soda. There’s probably some sugar residue around your seat.
Hood: Oh fuck you…you are NOT blaming me for that fucking ant. I know that came from her...probably fell out of her stupid hair.
Smith: A woman with that much class and sophistication would not be carrying bugs
Hood: Who the FUCK are you talking about…where the fuck are we? You do realize this is ALICE KNIGHT, right? She’s a FUCKING HOBO
Smith: Not anymore…now she’s an artist! An actress of the stage!
Hood: Fuck off, can we move on, please. I fucking hate her. I’ve just about had my fill of her.
Smith: Yes we should move on
Hood: The fuck is she doing here anyway. She doesn’t even WORK here. Can’t she go hang around a starbucks or something?
Smith: I thought you wanted to move on
Hood: I do but, man…I hate her. She’s gonna get it one day, Smith. I wish harm and ill will on her.
Smith: Okay now I’m the one that wants to move on. How dare you say such terrible things about the OCW legend and sweetest most talented woman I’ve ever known. I will not stand for it! So, moving on!
~An inverted cross glitches across a solid black screen followed by the Fury Studios logo. The infamous female scream can be heard. Credits roll slowly to indicate Crimson’s company solely created this leaving OCW free of any legal recourse that could follow.~
~The darkness gives way to an unknown room. The shot comes in from overhead to show broken glass all over the floor. The shot draws closer to reveal Tommy Crimson lying in the center of the room in all of the glass. He looks up at the camera, that pans closer.~
Crimson: I love to bleed. Feeling life leave me. I need it to feel real.
~The haunting words linger as the camera pans closer in the dimly lit small room. The angle finally gets alongside Crimson to reveal independent wrestlers now all around The Fury out of nowhere. The wrestlers faces are slightly blurred but many you may even follow on twitter. The poorly paid performers all try to escape to the room as Tommy leans up on the glass. Small pieces get stuck to his hand but doesn’t bother him in the slightest.~
~Crimson sits up all the way and watches these ghost like figures bash up against three different walls of the room. They avoid the fourth like the plague. Tommy stands up and brushes the glass off immediately becoming intrigued this “fourth wall” all the wrestlers evidently fear.~
~Tommy walks over to the wall that has something written across it that is blurred. The word begins with a k and ends with an e but that’s all you can make out. Illegible in Crimson’s universe. He strokes the fourth wall careful not to tear through or disturb the rules of his own reality.~
Crimson: You scare them all.
~The Fury whispers at the wall then turns to watch the ghosts bang up against the wall and recalls when he did this. These wrestlers have been placed in a box with four sides and no room to grow. Tommy looks up suddenly remembering how he made his escape before. He looks up the wall to the ceiling and notices a tear with footprints up the side of the fourth wall. The prints are of his own line of wrestling boots. He climbs up the wall then carefully slips out the tear in the ceiling.~
Crimson: Here it is.
~Tommy lands on his feet in a beautiful environment. Green pastures surrounded by a lush forest circles him. Birds sing all around. A large box now sits behind Tommy. He slowly travels all the way around it in a gorgeous three dimensional shot.~
Crimson: This is just metaphorical mindfuck. You none think outside of the box where I thrive. This world belongs to me because I’ve spent a career here.
~A river alongside the large box shaped room with many wrestlers trapped inside comes into focus. Blood flows like water. Tommy takes off running toward it then dives into it! He swims underneath briefly before coming up for air.~
Crimson: I’ve bled a river like this in my time. I started out in the most violent period in professional wrestling. Do I fear Julliet Brooks? No. My studios created this world to fuck with heads. She’s just a cog in the engine that drives me along. I will use her name to boost myself after leaving her for dead in a pile of glass. Too brutal? Good.
~Tommy wades out of the water while grinning.~
Crimson: See, Julliet is incapable of thinking outside of the box. That’s the biggest difference between the two of us. I will go in to that match wanting her to bleed to death while she will be just happy for the “rub”.
~Tommy turns away from one camera then looks into another that draws in close all parks and rec like.~
Crimson: There I am touching that taboo wall again. I’m the best alive at what I do. I won three awards for May because I will not be outworked. I do this because I enjoy making others suffer. I am pushed on by hearing bones crack and dreams shatter. I use it like lube for my ego so I can stroke it out after hurting bitches like Julliet Brooks. Still feel like we are even? No. You may be one dumb bitch but even you can see the writing on the “wall”.
~Tommy stops alongside the large room he just escaped. He can hear the ghosts of wrestlers inside crying to escape. Lost in wrestling purgatory. Some of the voices even sound familiar to OCW fans but Tommy doesn’t want to be sued.~
The Fury: I know you are scared as you should be. I want to hurt you so bad with that glass that I render you incapable of the ability to bear or carry children. I want to take your ability to give life away so you can put a monster to that horrific event in your life. I been googling how to do a hysterectomy with broken glass and got pretty good feedback.
~This environment was created digitally with Crimson’s own imagination. In the distance off from Tommy you can see a blurry event. None of the faces can be made out but it is a wrestling match.~
The Fury: Out over the horizon is glory. It’s in the distance but trust me… I will be world champion before the end of the summer. I don’t care who has it. Even though I do think Ian is scared of Lukas Emery when he should be pissing his sheets about The Fury.
~The distance scene shows someone with crimson red hair winning a the top strap from the former champion. Blur’s are used here with precision but the viewer gets the idea.~
Crimson: Mark my words, OCW. I fully intend on retiring Julliet Brooks in our match. She’s incapable of doing dick about it too. Some cuts can be so deep that you die on the canvas, you pretentious cunt. I want to make an example of you on the biggest stage and I will do just that. Julliet picked this fate and it will cost her everything.
~The environment all around Tommy becomes solid black. An inverted cross glitches behind him.~
Crimson: You will never be the same after this Brooks. You will seek therapy to remove what I leave in your brain. No person will be able to heal the trauma. No pill will be able to sooth the night terrors so you can rest. The anxiety attacks will cripple you while you watch my future success from the sidelines. I love a happy ending, don’t you?
~Tommy smiles then burns away in all his special effects glory. The screen then begins to glitch as the feed is returned back to OCW headquarters control.~
Smith: I’m sorry, but that man is just sick. I think OCW needs to sit him down for a thorough psychiatric evaluation before allowing him to step inside the ring next week.
Hood: Man if we did that our roster would be down to, like, one person
Smith: And who would that be?
Hood: Why the MARVEL, of course. Which would make it, ya know, not so bad
Smith: He’s got issues of his own, Hood. Don’t let that cocky exterior fool you. He’s plenty anxious about his match next week.
Hood: Only about whether or not he’ll win by eight pinfalls instead of seven. When you’re Matt Meyhu the only competition you have is yourself.
Smith: I don’t know how a terrifying Crimson promo turned into a Matt Meyhu love fest but…such is life with Hood. Anyway…Tommy Crimson will do battle later tonight in a tag match, teaming with Chad Vargas to take on Julliet Brooks and Kestrel. Crimson will also face Brooks next week at The Greatest Show on Earth in a 450 Light Tube match
Hood: Or, as Crimson will soon dub it – hysterectomy city!
Smith: Gross. Anyway…it’s time for our opener as Muffles the Bunny takes on The Purple VIP, Josie Barnes. Let’s head down to ringside!
‘The Purple VIP’ Josie Barnes (19.4) vs. Muffles the Bunny (-5.8)
~The OCW Arena sits, anxiously awaiting some in ring action. The new fans are glad they waited for this format to be ironed out before buying a ticket when OCW first returned. I mean…an entire show with only ONE match? WTF! Anyway…the fans are eager…they want some violence. Belvedere steps into the ring…they go wild! He waits, calmly for the cheers to die down. He speaks into the mic~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Monday Night Massacre…it is now time for our opening match of the evening!
~The crowd goes wild~
Belvedere: The opening match this evening is a singles match, scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
~The crowd buzzes, looking toward the entrance ramp. ”Bad Bunny” by Radioactive Chicken Heads begins to play. Muffles appears in the crowd, accompanied by the sound of guitar riffs and screeching. His signature bright orange baseball bat is slung casually over his shoulder. He strolls down before he begins to walk along the top of the barricade. He hops down and makes his way to roll into the ring. A fairly strong ‘MUFFLES’ chant fills the arena~
Belvedere: Introducing first, from Bunnyman Bridge, standing 6’3 and weighing in at 236lbs…he was named Most Underrated for the Month of May…he is…Muffles the Bunny!!!
~The ‘MUFFLES’ chant increases. Muffles raises his orange bat into the air…the crowd goes wild. He points the bat directly at the top of the ramp~
Smith: Muffles is ready for his challenge tonight, Hood
Hood: It’s a good thing he’s in OCW where a man? Can openly threaten to batter a woman. Anywhere else and he’d be SHAMED SOCIALLY
Smith: That’s because the women of OCW are more than capable of handling themselves within the squared circle…especially The Purple VIP!
Belvedere: And the bunny’s opponent…
~"Shadow Boxing" by Parkway Drive hits! The heated crowd turns around and goes wild for one of OCW’s burgeoning stars of 2018, Josie Barnes! The entire crowd is hued in purple due to lighting. A “PURPLE VIP” chant breaks out! Josie smiles and coquettishly makes her way down the ramp, toward the ring. She slides in, under the bottom rope, and gets to her feet and rotates both shoulders, limbering up for the match.~
Belvedere: From Lily, Georgia…standing 5’2 and weighing in at 118lbs…she is the Purple VIP…she is…Josie Barnes!!!
~A “JOSIE” chant breaks out. Barnes smiles and acknowledges the chant, throwing both arms into the air. The music dies down and Josie turns, staring down the barrel of the bunny’s bat. She approaches the bat with zero fear~
Smith: Josie is fearless. You have got to give her that
Hood: I don’t have to give her anything, Smith!
Smith: So I’m guessing you didn’t send her any Christmas cards?
Hood: I don’t celebrate Christmas, Smith. You know that.
Smith: I always thought you were Christian.
Hood: I am
Smith: But you don’t celebrate Christmas? Is this some sort of political, social thing?
Hood: Not really…I just hate buying people gifts
Smith: I should have known
~Belvedere exits and the bell rings. The crowd chants “FUCK HER UP BUNNY, FUCK HER UP!” or is it “FUCK IT UP, JOSIE! FUCK IT UP!” It’s hard to tell. We’ll go with dueling chants. Either way…Josie continues to stare down the barrel of Muffles’ orange bat~
Smith: She’s not backing down, Hood!
Hood: It’s the ultimate confrontation…Orange meets Purple!
Smith: Still on that Purple hates Orange kick?
Hood: I’m here bringing the truth, Smith
~Muffles waves the bat around in front of Josie’s face. She stands there, taking it. It’s obvious she’s growing frustrated. Finally, she slaps the bat out of her face. The right arm of Muffles jerks violently away. The crowd goes ‘ooohhhh’. Muffles swings the bat back around, at Josie’s head! Josie ducks! The momentum from Muffles’ whiff sends the bunny into a 180 degree spin, presenting his furry back to Josie. Barnes takes advantage with a roundhouse kick to the back of the bunny’s head!! Muffles staggers forward, into the ropes. He drops the bat through the ropes and to the outside! The crowd gives Josie a nice ovation for her ability to outmaneuver Muffles early on~
Smith: People are always underestimating Josie…I don’t know what she has to do to earn some people’s respect around here
Hood: Well, slaying the bunny would be a start
Smith: Why does it have to be slay? Can’t it just be DEFEAT?
Hood: No, it must be slay.
~Josie rushes up behind Muffles and jumps into the air. She places both knees into the upper portion of the bunny’s back, looking for a Back Stabber. Muffles, however, holds onto the top rope with one paw. He reaches back with the other, grabbing hold of Josie’s head! He stands upright and reaches back with his second hand, securing full control of The Purple VIP’s head. Josie kicks her legs around wildly, but she’s too short, they aren’t able to touch the ground. Muffles marches around for a second before dropping violently to a seated position and crushing Josie’s mandible with a jaw breaker!! The crowd winces at the swiftly violent turn of events! Josie rolls around the ring, holding onto her mouth and jaw~
Smith: Oh my! That was a pretty vicious jaw breaker…I could hear the contact from over here!
Hood: Well, there goes Lukas’ sex life
Smith: Excuse me?
Hood: You know what…I might be wrong. Maybe her mouth will be wired shut and their relationship will begin to flourish
Smith: She is a lovely young woman with many interesting opinions
~Muffles hops back to his feet. He snares Josie by the hair and shoves her into a corner. Josie’s much smaller body crashes into the buckles, her head snaps backward with whiplash. Muffles raises a paw and lunges forward with a knife edged chop! The crowd woos! Muffles delivers another and another and another! Josie falls to the mat. Muffles takes his foot and he jams it into the side of Josie’s face! Barnes kicks her legs while trying to pry the giant foot of Muffles away from her throat. Scruff comes in and administers a count of five. Muffles relents after four~
Smith: Muffles is all over Josie right now
Hood: Don’t start with that bestiality crap…that’s one low OCW will not find!
Smith: That is certainly NOT what’s happening
Hood: Whew.
~Muffles pulls Josie to her feet. He throws a few of his signature rabbit punches into her gut. He backs away…all the way across the ring. He stomps his foot into the ground and revs up to charge at Josie with some type of kick attack. He rushes in…Josie gets her feet up and kicks Muffles right in the face!! Muffles spins around, turning his back to Barnes. He stumbles near the middle of the ring. Josie breathes in and out, heavily, placing much needed air back into her lungs. She starts to fire up! Muffles turns around, facing The Purple VIP. Josie fires out of the corner, leaps into the air and takes Muffles down with a Lou Thesz Press!! She unloads on Muffles with a barrage of lefts and rights! A “PURPLE VIP” chant grows with each punch~
Smith: And The Purple VIP has had ENOUGH!
Hood: You know, it’s kind of funny watching a woman punching a rabbit in the face
Smith: I would call it unique
Hood: But, the good news for Josie is that it’s probably way easier on her hands
Smith: One would think
~Barnes pops off of Muffles and stands with her back running perpendicular toward his body. She leaps into the air performing an impressive Standing Moonsault!! She lands on top of Muffles and goes for a quick pin…Scruff slides in for the count~
1!
Kick Out!
Smith: Good effort but far from close
Hood: Gotta hook those rabbit legs!
Smith: True, rabbits do derive most of their strength via their legs
Hood: Then again, he’s not an ACTUAL rabbit…as far as we know…
~Undaunted, Josie returns to her feet, poised for attack. She allows Muffles the time to get to his bunny feet. The crowd watches with interest, curious as to what she has in store. Muffles gets to one knee and pauses, shaking his gigantic bunny head around. Growing impatient, Barnes rushes in and drills Muffles in the side of the head with a Shining Wizard!! Muffles surprisingly gets to his feet after the impact…but he staggers into the ropes. The ropes act as a platform to keep Muffles from falling down. Barnes waves her arms in the air…the crowd is fully behind her. She can sense something big coming~
Smith: She’s got the bunny on the ropes! Literally!
Hood: Oh, kind of like the dog track
Smith: Huh?
Hood: You know the dog track…the reason those dogs run so fast is there’s a fake bunny on the railing that goes just fast enough to stay ahead of the pack.
Smith: That is not this, Hood…not even close
~Barnes charges at Muffles. The Bunny turns around, facing the rushing Purple VIP. Josie leaps into the air and goes for The Barnes Experience (Codebreaker)! Muffles holds on!! He refuses to go down. He bends over at the waist…Josie’s hair touches the ground. She tries to get him down…she tries to reverse into something else. Muffles, however, is too strong. Slowly he deadlifts Josie up into the air. He’s upright with Josie in his arms. Barnes lifts knee right into the bunny’s chin!! Muffles staggers…Josie then hooks the bunny’s head and drops him with a DDT!! Muffles rolls over his head, landing onto his back. Barnes crawls on top of Muffles and is barely able to hook his right leg. Scruff slides in for the count~
1!
2!
Kick Out!!
Smith: Closer but still a strong kick out by Muffles
Hood: She tried to hook one leg but, man, those bunny thighs are no joke!
Smith: Have you ever eaten rabbit legs before?
Hood: NO
Smith: Neither have I! I was just asking!
~Josie slams her palms into the mat, showing a hint of frustration. She returns to her feet. Muffles crawls onto all fours before getting to his knees. Josie rushes in for another Shining Wizard. Muffles catches her leg! He gets to his feet with a firm grasp on Josie’s right leg. Josie hops around on her left foot. She throws a quick Enziguri…Muffles ducks!! Josie’s leg flies over the bunny’s head. She lands on her feet, bent over, her back toward Muffles. In averting the attack Muffles released her leg. Josie quickly turns around…as she does, she’s met with a stiff Bunny Kick into the gut!! She falls to all fours. Muffles throws a hard bunny punch into the back of her head! Josie flips onto her back, holding the back of her head in pain~
Smith: And here comes Muffles! He’s got an awfully vicious move set for, well, a bunny
Hood: How do you know bunnies aren’t vicious, Smith?
Smith: Because they aren’t
Hood: You don’t know what goes on in a bunny’s mind. While he’s chewing on that lettuce or those carrots he might be thinking “Mother fucker, the minute I get out of this fucking cage I’m going to gnaw your throat wide open you commie bastard”
Smith: I highly doubt that’s what they are thinking, Hood
~Muffles looks out to the crowd…the respond in kind! “HOP! HOP! HOP!” the crowd chants. Muffles nods along with the urging of the OCW fans. Muffles starts to perform his bunny hop dance!! The crowd goes wild!! He stops next to Josie, leaps into the air and drives a strategically placed elbow right into her sternum!! The crowd explodes! Josie’s body goes into reactionary convulsions as a result of the impact. Muffles makes the pin. Scruff slides in for the count~
1!
2!
Kick Out!!!
Smith: She kicked out! There’s that fighting spirit!
Hood: Ugh, man, I have no idea who to pull for here. On one hand we have Muffles the Bunny and on the other hand we have, well, Josie Barnes
Smith: How about just enjoying the competition?
Hood: That’s kinda hard when one person is in a bunny suit, Smith
~Muffles pops back to his feet, unfazed by narrowly missing his first victory of 2018. Or, maybe he is fazed…he’s wearing a mask so it’s pretty impossible to tell. Anyway, he pops back to his feet and grabs Josie by the hair. She reaches her feet but remains unstable. Muffles suddenly snares wrist control…the fans rise to their feet~
Smith: Uh oh, Hood! We know what this is!
Hood: I’m not saying the fucking name
Smith: IL TAV ID!
Hood: What kind of language is that, anyway?
Smith: You’re asking the wrong guy
Hood: Makes sense…I mean why should the lead announcer of a wrestling promotion know anything about the promotion’s wrestlers?
~Muffles signals to the crowd! They respond in favor! Muffles yanks Josie toward his flying knee…Josie slides under his legs!! Muffles staggers forward. He turns around. Josie kips up. She shows tremendous quickness by leaping off the mat directly after the kip up, placing both knees into the face of Muffles and dropping him with the Barnes Experience!! The crowd pops with surprise~
Smith: The Barnes Experience!! She hit it! Unbelievable!
Hood: You think she’s ever asked some guy at the bar if he wants the ‘Barnes Experience’?
Smith: How on Earth would I know that?
Hood: If she has…poor bastard. Blue balled AND a broken nose
~Barnes returns to her feet and locates Muffles. The bunny sits up! The crowd grows silent, stunned. Barnes pauses, also surprised by this reaction. The bunny remains seated, motionless, his head hanging toward the ground. Barnes looks around, unsure of how to approach this somewhat eerie scenario~
Smith: He sat up? What on Earth?
Hood: I told ya! He isn’t human!
Smith: You never told me that!
Hood: Well I am now…better late than never!
~Josie slowly approaches Muffles and throws a fairly stiff kick into his chest. The Bunny catches the leg!! The crowd jumps to their feet. Muffles powers up, holding onto Josie’s leg. Josie hops around…a mixture of shock, confusion and concern turn her face into some type of living Jackson Pollock painting~
Smith: At first I thought the sit up was some type of reflex…but it appears Muffles might have been impervious to the Barnes Experience!
Hood: Only thing scarier than a violent, human sized bunny is a violent, human sized bunny that won’t stay down after you hit them with your finisher.
Smith: Well, yea, I can’t argue with that assertion
~Josie throws a right hand at the head of Muffles. Muffles catches her arm!! He’s suddenly got wrist control. The crowd goes ‘oooohhhh shit’. Josie’s eyes widen. Muffles reels her in for IL TAV ID! But Josie ducks!!! She runs into the corner, hops onto the middle buckle and springboards off…Muffles turns around and is STUNNED by the BARNES EXPERIENCE!! He falls flat on his back…Josie crawls on top for the pin, Scruff makes the count~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner…The Purple VIP….JOSIE BARNES!!!!!
Smith: She did it!! Wow!
Hood: Man I thought that fucking bunny had her
Smith: So did I…when he sat up…I thought GAME OVER
Hood: No shit…fucking bunny
Smith: I think a lot of people penciled Muffles in for the win tonight…and that is why they call it penciling in!
Hood: Fuck that shit…I make my predictions in PEN
Smith: Well aren’t you the rebel. Well folks I dread to do this...but I'm going to send us to some taped footage from earlier in the week. We at OCW do not claim any responsibility for what is about to air...
~We open to the great white north, the sky is gray, looks as though rain clouds are rolling in. Nothing but fields and cow pastures. As the camera focuses, we see several gravestones. Some big, some little. Some look really expensive, some look really cheap. Some appear to have been standing there since the 1800s. A very desolate and very creepy cemetery. The camera pans all the different plots. Some of the names we see ‘Tremblay’, ‘Roy’, ‘Lavoie’, and ‘Simard’ to name a few. As we check out the vast landscape of this old cemetery a large statue comes into focus, with the surname ‘GRENIER’ atop the structure.~
Smith: NO!!! Oh my goodness, NO!
Hood: May I point out the lack of backwards letters?
~As the camera arcs from the Grenier monument, we see CHAD VARGAS standing before the Grenier family plot. There are quite a few stones in his plot. Sherman and Sally Grenier, Ollie Grenier, Robaird Grenier, too many Greniers, too much time.~
Smith: What is this maniac going to do now?!
Hood: Paying his respects, I imagine.
“IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU’RE STANDING ON MY BOOBS!” EDITH JOANNA GRENIER 1952-2011
“HERE LIES AN ATHIEST, ALL DRESSED UP AND NO PLACE TO GO” JONAS GRENIER 1914-1960
“I’M DEAD. FUCK A FLOWER, LEAVE A JOINT!” JEDIDIAH AND MARIANNE GRENIER - LOVING PARENTS, FRIENDS, SIBLINGS, STARCROSSED LOVERS, AND STONERS.”
“A GAY VIETNAM VETERAN - WHEN I WAS IN THE MILITARY THEY GAVE ME A MEDAL FOR KILLING TWO MEN AND A DISCHARGE FOR LOVING ONE.” ZEBULAN ARCHIBALD GRENIER d. 1981
Smith: Well, the Grenier family has quite a sense of humor, I must say.
Hood: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Shit is great!
Smith: I do have a question though what is Cha---
Hood: Yeah actually, me too! How the fuck does a Canadian serve in Vietnam!?
Smith: That’s your question?
Hood: Duh...
~Even Vargas got a chuckle out of some of the epitaphs as he walks about the plot. Out of nowhere, pure rage takes over, and Vargas reaches back and boots poor ole Jona’s vintage headstone, crumbling it to pieces. He then walks over a few feet to another one of the bigger headstones. He unzips his jeans and pulls it out, he begins pissing over the monument. Absolutely desecrating Bob Grenier’s deceased family. He walks on, still pissing, spreading his urine all around each of the gravestones.~
Smith: CUT TO SOMETHING ELSE!!! THIS IS SO SO SO SO WRONG!!! ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!
Hood: Hey! When you gotta go, you gotta go!
~We finally cut away. The crowd inside the OCW Arena is booing~
Smith: I'm sorry you had to witness that, fans
Hood: I'm not. Vargas is showing everybody the consequences of acting like a pussy
Smith: There's no shame in falling in love, Hood. Bob Grenier is in love and is looking to move on with his life. Chad needs to accept that.
Hood: No, he does not. Grenier needs to wake up and realize that he's a fucking loser without pro wrestling.
Smith: I strongly disagree with that.
~The lights begin flashing throughout the arena then stop. The crowd begins stirring as a sound of a word.. "Aye" is being repeated over and over. The arena's flood lights come on, then an unknown silhouette appears in the middle of the ring. As cameras begin closing in.. the lights turn on~
Hood: What the fuck?
Smith: We have an unknown man in the middle of the ring.
Hood: Security, get that man!
Smith: Wait, is that?
Hood: Jack Sparrow?
Smith: 'The Dirty Rascal' has returned!
Hood: Calm down, it's been one WEEK!
Smith: Yeah, but you know how this sport goes. One week.. it's eternal!
~The fans.. begin leaning closer to the ring but the lights go back out~
Smith: Ah! It's dark!
Hood: Hello Darkness my old friend
~The lights snap back on. Wentz is nowhere to be found~
Smith: That was nifty
Hood: Nifty...some kinda weird ass pirate sorcery. But, shit, who cares...just glad to see The Dirty Rascal back!
Smith: He's got talent...perhaps this new attitude will be what he needs to ascend the OCW ladder
Hood: Eh...or maybe he'll just become Key West's version of Captain Ron
Smith: One can never be too sure. Anyway, let's cut backstage
~The scene cuts to the inside of an OCW locker room where you see Hall of Famer Curt Canon sitting on a bench. His arms are resting on his legs and his head is tilted forward with his eyes looking down gazing upon a phone resting between his hands.~
Curt Canon: ”WOW! This girl is amazing. I can’t take my eyes off of her.”
~Curts eyes grow wide, he takes his right hand off of the phone and touches the screen. He swipes to the left with his pointer finger, it appears he is rewinding the video. The camera pans around Curt and winds up behind him. From over his shoulder you get a clear view of what is on Curts phone screen.~
Curt Canon: ”Oh Kestrel, sweet beautiful Kestrel….where have you been all my OCW life? Why has it taken you so long to grace this building with your presence?”
~Then from out of nowhere Checkers comes swinging down from up high and in one fluid motion snatches the phone from Canons hands and follows through with an Olympic like landing on top of the lockers.~
Curt Canon: ”What the hell man? I wasn’t done watching that…..
Checkers: ” Ohhh Ahh ahh ahh ohh oh ah!”
Curt Canon: ”What does it matter if i have been watching it on a nonstop loop for the past week? Did you see the way she looked in the simple black bikini, sprawled out on that chair nothing protecting her except for an umbrella and some sunblock?”
Checkers: ”Ahh ah oh oh oh ohhh ahh ah ahhhh oh .”
Curt Canon: “It is not creepy. I want to block the sun from her skin, I want to cover her body like an umbrella. Every time she says the words “Ripped Curt Canon’s undeserving ass limb from limb” my heart stops and my body quivers while my stomach fills with butterflies. Her voice is like that of Scott Syrens and James Vorexs mixed in an unholy song of ice and fire.”
Checkers: ”Uhhhh?”
~Checkers staring down at Curt scratches his head in confusion.~
Curt Canon: ”Oh don’t look at me like that what I said makes perfectly good sense.”
Checkers: ” Oh oh ah ah ah oh oh ahhh ooohh ahh ah.”
Curt Canon: ” I don’t care if we have a match against each other at The Greatest Show on Earth, I would never do anything to harm her.”
Checkers: ”Ahhhh ahh ah ohhh ooooh aaaahh oh ah ah ah oooooh.”
Curt Canon: ”No, that doesn’t mean I am going to lose the match…..I have an idea, but I am going to need your help. Now get down here and listen. ”
~With one final sigh Checkers jumps down off the lockers and scurries up onto Curts shoulder. Curt glances at him and rips his phone from the monkeys hands, he hits play and continues to watch Kestrel. He begins to tell Checkers about his plan as the screen cuts back to the announce table.~
Smith: Oh my goodness. That poor man
Hood: I would say she'd break his fuckin heart but, knowing Kestrel...she'll probably just settle for breaking sixty percent of the bones in his stupid body
Smith: Well, I guess you never know...she could be into him
Hood: Sometimes you never know. This time you know. We know. Everyone knows. It's only CANON who doesn't know
Smith: If that is the case...let's hope...and I can't believe I'm about to say this...let's hope CHECKERS talks some sense into Curt. Anyway, I'm being told we're going backstage again to check in on the champ!
Hood: Meyhu?!
Smith: No, THE Champ
Hood: Oh, you mean the future former champ
Smith: I mean the current, reigning and defending OCW Champion, The Incredible One
~We cut backstage to the locker room of OCW Champion, the Incredible, where he is sitting down on a bench having a conversation with his fiancé, Leslie. The camera catches them mid conversation but they continue to speak~
TIO: So you forgive me for my actions a week ago?
Leslie: Yes I do. We’ll talk about it more when the camera isn’t bothering us but yes, you’re fine, love.
~Leslie eyes the camera, and laughs as TIO smiles and the two embrace each other with a hug. The hug is interrupted by Jenna, TIO’s daughter, coming into the locker room, pumped up~
Jenna: Oh, I’m so ready to see you kick that big piece of crap’s ass tonight! He’ll be sorry he turned on you!
~TIO and Leslie both eye each other with concern and Jenna catches this~
Jenna: …What?
TIO: Listen… this isn’t like my first two matches. Besides the Crimson shenanigans, you two were relatively safe. This is Knux, and I’m sure Welsh and Meyhu will probably have something up their sleeve.
Jenna: Don’t worry, you’ll be ready for them!
TIO: I know I will be… but… I don’t want you to get hurt, so, I don’t want you coming down to the ring.
~With a shocked look, Jenna looks over to her mother and she nods~
Jenna: Are you not going either?
Leslie: No, I am going.
Jenna: WHAT?! This isn’t fair! I can take care of yourself.
TIO & Leslie: No you can’t.
TIO: Listen, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust—
~TIO couldn’t even get his words out as Jenna, upset, storms out of the locker room. TIO sighs, wondering if he made the right decision, as Leslie rubs his back, the camera going to ringside~
Smith: It's tough being a good parent
Hood: How the fuck would you know?
Smith: Well, that's what I've heard anyway
Hood: What we just saw has nothing to do with parenting. It's about TIO's ego. He doesn't want his daughter out there watching him get his ass beat.
Smith: Once again, you are totally wrong
Hood: About which part?
Smith: All of it! Sheesh...well...something interesting has come across my desk
Hood: Maurako showed up?! Alice was abducted by Cubans?!
Smith: No. We've got a movie promo to air...about, The Uber Man
Hood: Soooo...OCW decides to make it's first movie and it's about THAT fuckin guy?
Smith: I honestly don't know. I'm as confused as you are. But this has Commissioner Zybala's signature on it
Hood: Oh, that means ignore it
Smith: It doesn't mean that! Let's air the video
COMING THIS FALL!!
~The scene opens up on a dark city street. People are walking around, going into various cars and buildings. The camera focuses on a handsome young man in his early 20's walking down the street with headphones on his ears. We can hear Nickleback's "Hero" faintly. As he walks, he notices something from the corner of his eye. He turns and looks down an alley to see four men kicking at someone on the ground. The young man yells at the people to stop and for someone to call the police as he charges towards the mugging. The man shoulder blocks one of the assailants away and takes a wild, sloppy swing at another thug who easily dodged. The young man then tries to help the old gentleman get up off of the ground, but the thugs jump on the would be savior and start beating him down viciously~
~The camera fades from the alley to a hospital waiting room. We see a middle aged woman sitting in a chair with tears in her eyes and wringing a handkerchief in her hands. She hears a door open and looks up to see the young man from earlier gingerly walk out, arm over his chest, and several cuts and stitches on his face. The woman gets up from her seat and runs over to the man and hugs him hard. He yelps in pain and the lady releases him. A doctor walks next to them holding a chart~
Doctor: Your nephew is a very lucky young man, Ms. Roth. He only suffered a few cracked ribs and needed some stitches. Considering what could have happened, he got off easy.
Ms. Roth: Thank you doctor.
~After taking care of the discharge papers and payments, Ms. Roth leads her nephew outside and into a car. They start to drive away when she starts crying again~
Ms. Roth: How stupid are you?! You could have died out there Mike!
Mike: I'm sorry Aunt April. I just saw that guy getting mugged and I just had to help him.
Aunt April: You could have called the police or yelled for Knight Owl or Purple Protector and hoped they were around! You don't just jump into a mugging like that!
Mike: The old guy needed help. It wasn't like I jumped in to stop Crimson Fury.
Aunt April: Thank God it wasn't that maniac! You would be dead by now! Hell, you're lucky you didn't get killed tonight!
Mike: It's what mom would have done.
Aunt April: You're not your mother though! She was a firefighter. Jumping into danger was her job. A job that took her life. She died a hero trying to help people. You're not a hero.
~Mike hangs his head in shame and disappointment. April, realizing what she said, reaches over and ruffles Mike's hair~
Aunt April: Look kiddo, I'm just saying be careful, and be smart. With your mom dead, you're all I have left. I don't wanna lose you too.
Mike: I know. I'm sorry Aunt April. I'll be smarter.
April: Good. Now, it's time to get you home and to bed. I got a job lined up for you tomorrow. You'll be working where I'm at.
Mike: I don't wanna be a secretary though.
April: (laughs)You're not gonna be a secretary. I meant that you'll be working for the same company.
~The camera starts to fade out to a fashion show but we still hear April's voice over~
April: You're gonna be the new chauffeur for the fashion mogul Tommy Flames!
~"My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark" by Fallout Boy plays as we see models walking on the run way in many beautiful dresses, each dress having some kind of fire theme. The models strut their stuff and then stand on the stage next to each other and wait. A familiar face walks out in a black suit with flames designed on it. The crowd cheers for this man who smiles and waves. He has a headset on and waits for the cheers to simmer down then talks~
Tommy: Thank you, thank you. You're all too kind. Thank you for coming to the show tonight. I am humbled and honored. I hope all of you drive safe, but before you go, I have an announcement. Flaming Apparel will be coming out with a new fashion line within the next few weeks and believe me when I say that it's going to set...
~He point at the audience~
Audience: THE FASHION WORLD ON FIRE!
~Tommy just smiles and bows as everyone leaves. He turns back to the dressing room area and starts to loosen his tie and undoes his shirt. We see a flame red costume underneath with a black fire embroidered on the chest with red letters "CF" in the flame~
~We cut to Mike, dressed in a chauffeur's uniform, walk into the lobby of a big building. The camera is shot from his point of view to take in the scope of the huge lobby before he walks up to the front desk. We see Aunt April at one of the phones and she gives Mike a quick thumbs up. Mike spots an attractive blonde woman next to April who smiles at Mike. The camera switches back to a normal view. The girl stands up and shakes hands with Mike~
Alice: You must be the new guy. I'm Alice.
Mike: I'm Meet. Nice to Mike you.
~Alice laughs as Mike starts to blush with embarrassment as April shakes her head, trying not to laugh at her nephew. Before Mike can correct himself and try to save some face, he is pushed out of the way by a dark haired woman carrying a small stack of papers~
Jane: Out of the way newbie. Important business coming through.
~She puts the papers down on the receptionist desk and smiles at Alice~
Jane: Hey buddy. Here are the contracts the boss wanted. We still on for lunch later?
Alice: OK thanks. And yeah, we are. Though you could try to be nice to the new guy. You don't have to be mean to every new person.
Jodie: I wasn't mean. He was just in the way. Newbies should know there place.
Tommy: Now, now Ms. Turles. Could you please wait a week or two before you scare off another one of my drivers with your "Jane Charm?"
~Tommy Flames walks into the lobby from a stair case and smiles at his employees. Jodie looks defiant but nods~
Jane: Yes sir. You're the boss.
~We cut to the inside of a fancy car. Tommy is in the back seat and Mike is driving~
Tommy: So you're April's nephew huh?
Mike: Yes sir.
Tommy: She told me some good things about you. Let's hope they're all true.
Mike: I'll do my best not to disappoint.
Tommy: Good, I hate to be disappointed. You see, when you get to the top like me, many things can disappoint me. Papers not being correctly filed, a shipment of fabric not being delivered, a model being late to a fitting or a show. Not get the right skin tone for my new line of clothing.
Mike: Sir?
Tommy: Oh yes. You heard me right. In a few weeks, I'm releasing a new line of designer jackets. Each one made from treated human skin! The high society loves stuff like that for some reason and who am I to deny them?
Mike: (nervously)You mean skin from dead humans???
Tommy: Well, their dead when we skin them, but first we have to bathe them, shave them, and treat the skin while the subject is alive. That helps the material stay fresh.
Mike: You take it from live people!?
Tommy: Of course! First we tried to get patients from hospitals that were dying. Offer them a large sum, help pay for funeral costs, that sort of thing. But it's hard to find good skin on the dying. So we went to the next best source. The homeless. We would kidnap them in the hundreds, feed them for a few weeks, take care of them, and when the time was right, we kill them and skin them. Basically human cattle.
Mike: That's insane! Why has nobody called the police?!?
~Tommy grins at his driver a savage smile~
Tommy: Because nobody cares. Mayor Welsh is on board with it because it gets the homeless of his city's street, the cops don't care for the same reason. The average person doesn't care because homeless people are just background noise to the masses. Sure, you may give them some money or food, but people don't do that to help. They do that to make themselves feel better. If the homeless disappear, people assume they either died somewhere or moved to a different area.
And who would care if they found out? With the homeless gone, that's less tax money going towards homeless shelters and more going towards fixing potholes or something else the city uses taxes for. Sure you might get some social justice warrior trying to save them, but John Q. Public doesn't give a shit. People don't care, the law doesn't care, and the politicians don't care.
Mike: Why are you telling me all of this? I could find Knight Owl or Purple Protector to help!
Tommy: (starts laughing) Those two? Please, if it doesn't involve a photo op, selling their action figures, or trying to stop the Crimson Fury from trying to destroy everything, those bitches can't be bothered. Hell, they practically work for me. Every time they fight Fury, some building or car or other properties get destroyed. Then the insurance company is called, which I have a partial ownership, then a repair company is called, which I own a few. It's a never ending flow of cash for me! As for telling you all of this, well, nothing gives me a bigger thrill than watching the horror in people's eyes as they lose all hope. Plus, I know both you and your Aunt need the money. So, are your going to keep your mouth shut and just do your job so we can get along swimmingly? Or are you going to be a "hero" and end up being part of my new line of clothing???
~Mike has a look of worry, anger, resentment, and fear in his eyes. He thinks for a moment and then sighs, defeated~
Mike: Where to Mr. Flames?
Tommy: (still grinning from ear to ear) That's my boy.
~We cut to Mike walking home after work, visibly upset and shaken by what he heard on his first day. He has his headphones on and doesn't notice an older, grissled looking man in his way. The man stops Mike from walking. Mike takes off his headset and looks confused at the old man~
Mike: Caaaan I help you sir?
Old Man: You don't recognize me, do you
Mike: Should I?
Old Man: I'm the guy you tried to help the other night. The guy getting mugged. I just want to say thank you.
Mike: Oh. You're welcome. Though I didn't really help. I got messed up pretty bad too.
Old Man: Yeah you did kid. You threw that punch like you were having a spasm.
Mike: Did you come to thank me or insult me?
Old Man: To teach you, you idiot.
Mike: And another insult. I'm out of here. Please don't get mugged again.
~Mike starts to walks off as the old man starts speaking loudly at him~
Old Man: I was talking about teaching you to fight! I took one look at you and can tell that you're the type who will keep running into danger before he thinks because you think its the right thing! You tried to help me! The least I can do is teach you how to better protect yourself if you're gonna be throwing your life away.
~Mike stops walking and turns around to face the old man~
Mike: Just who are you?
Old Man: They call me Zybala. I used to be a hell of a fighter back in my day and now I run a gym and teach people how to box, wrestle, or just use gym equipment. So tell me, you gonna keep being an idiot, or you gonna at least stack the odds a little bit in your favor "hero"?
~"Hero" by Skillet starts playing as we go through a montage of Zybala training Mike Roth, making him lift weights, run on treadmills, making him box and fight. After the brief montage the words "STARRING" appear on the screen. We see the characters in different scenes as their names are shown on the screen. First we see Alice played by Charlize Theron, next is Jane Turles played by Megan Fox, followed by Tommy Flames played by Matthew McConaughey, then Old Man Zybala played by Clint Eastwood, April Roth played by Mila Kunis~
~The screen goes blank as the words "And Douglas Booth as.....~
~We cut to a dark street. A woman is walking when an arm darts out from a near by alley she is passing and drags her into the shadows. The woman starts to scream but is cut off when her assailant holds a gun to her head. He sneers at her~
Mugger: Your money or your life. Pick one lady.
~She whimpers as she slowly hands the mugger her purse. He smiles then back hands her with the non-gun hand. He then starts down the alley when he himself is attack! The mugger tries to raise the gun, but it is knocked out of his hand. The mugger is hit by several punches from the shadows and is then thrown against a near by wall and crumples to the ground, landing in some garbage. As he gets to his feet, his attack emerges from the shadows and we see a man in a dark green superhero costume with a large "U" embroidered on the chest, and a hooded green mask covering his face. The masked man rushes to the mugger, grabs him by the shirt, and slams him against the wall, knocking him down again. The mugger looks up at the masked man in fear~
Mugger: Who are you?!?!
~The screen cuts to black and the words "UBER MAN: ORIGINS" appear on the screen~
~We cut back to the announce table. Smith and Hood look around, confused. Smith looks at Hood. Hood looks at Smith. Smith shrugs~
Smith: Well, there you go everybody. Coming soon to STARZ and Netflix...an Uber Man movie
Hood: I'll watch...but for one reason and one reason alone
Smith: And that is?
Hood: To see Tommy in FLAMES once again!
Smith: I guess we all have our machinations. Anyway...from a head scratcher to a potential lawsuit...let's return to taped footage featuring The Confederate Icon
~Back in Timmins, Ontario, Canada, we see a busted ass general store off of Country Road 72. Not much going on except more fields and cow pastures. Is there anything but fields in this shit heap of a town? Set off onto the side of the road, is one lousy old fashioned gas pump and a real small store front. The beat up sign above the store reads ‘TITCOMBS GENERAL STORE’. A black vehicle drives into the parking lot with alot of speed behind it. Not slowing down, the driver slams the vehicle into the awning over the gas pump, destroying it. The driver’s door flies open and out steps CHAD VARGAS!~
Smith: Good God! He is leaving destruction wherever he goes! He just took out that awning!
Hood: Gee whiz, now what is the 1 customer a day going to do when he pumps gas in the rain?
Smith: What?!
Hood: Well, he’s gonna get wet, that’s what!
~Surprisingly, nobody comes out to confront Vargas as the awning kind of just leans there onto the gas pump. Vargas gives a laugh as he sees his handy work. He slams the driver’s door shut and heads on into the store. Once inside the store, a man leans against the counter shooting the breeze with the proprietor.~
Proprietor: Help ya with anything young man?
Vargas: Yeah, where’s Bruce?
Proprietor: That’s ME, eh! Names Bruce Titcomb, General Store is the Game! Eh?
Vargas: Cool.
~Vargas walks closer to the counter that Bruce is behind. The man leaning against the counter, whom is presumably the guy who pumps all the gasoline Titcomb’s doesn't sell. As Vargas walks closer to the counter, slid off in the corner of the store is a shrine of Bob Grenier. A cardboard cut out of Bob from circa 2015, a replica OCW championship title belt, some other professional wrestling trophies and belts, photos and autographs under a glass shelf, and an autographed replica cross of the one he won the Internet championship at Genesis in the Title on a Cross match. Quite a solid collection of memorabilia, really. Bruce notices Vargas checking the shit out as he walks closer.~
Bruce: Know Bobby, eh?
Vargas: You could say that.
Bruce: Hey wait a second! I chatted with you on the phone lil while back, eh? Interested in doing something for Bob’s family right? Some tribute.
Vargas: You could say that.
Bruce: Well, I left you a message. Right here is the address to Bobby’s childhood home.
~Vargas smiles as Bruce outstretches his hand, giving him a folded piece of paper. Vargas nods, faking appreciation.~
Bruce: Matter of fact, eh, that right there is Jimbo Grenier. Been pumping gas for me for two decades. Damn good mechanic and a damn harder worker, eh! Alot of Grenier’s in these parts! It’s ju---
~Before Bruce can say another word, out of nowhere Vargas head butts Jimbo right smack in the face, Jimbo’s old body FOLDS as he falls to the floor, limp as a dick that’s in the same room as Ruth Ann Grenier. Bruce is mortified. The friendly shop keeper doesn’t know what to think.~
Bruce: Listen, If you want some money, sir, I’ve got like… $14.25 in the register. It’s yours, eh!
Vargas: Does it look like I need money?
Bruce: Well, no. I guess not. But you just flatlined Jimbo. I mean, I am scared, sir.
Vargas: Don’t be scared. I’m not here to harm you. If your last name isn’t Grenier.
Bruce: I thought you were a friend of Bobs?
Vargas: No. I hate him. Your pussy ass friend is too scared to take a match with me at the upcoming PPV. If you’re such a big fan how do you not know anything going on?
Bruce: Oh. I’d love to watch OCW. Except, I only have 3 channels and no internet. Not much to do around here in Timmins, I’m afraid, eh?
Vargas: Right except inbreed and fuck goats.
Bruce: EH? Well… I don’t fuck goats, sir. Or my sister.
~Vargas can’t help but laugh. Ole Bruce Titcomb is actually a pretty cool dude. Vargas somewhat feels bad for destroying his awning outside.~
Vargas: Well Bruce, I sure as hell appreciate all your help. I’ve got some stuff to do but you take it easy.
~Vargas walks over to the Bob Grenier collection, he hauls off and punches the cardboard cutout, taking Bob’s head clean off. He then punches through the glass and grabs the OCW championship replica. Bruce’s eyes widen as the rage Vargas possesses. He doesn’t really appreciate the cardboard cut out damage, and he really doesn’t want him taking that belt, but, what can he do? I mean, Jimbo is still OUT. Vargas slings the title belt over his shoulder and heads for the door.~
Bruce: I’m not gonna call the mounties, sir. Jimbo is a tough old steed, he will be OK. You aren’t going to harm me?
Vargas: I was gonna beat you up actually, but I’ve changed my mind. I kinda fucked up your pump house up a little bit out there though.
~Vargas shrugs.~
Vargas: And I took a shit in the toilet outside and didn’t flush it.
~Bruce nods.~
Bruce: I… I… I can live with that, sir.
Vargas: Give my regards to Jimbo.
~Vargas exits the store and walks outside to the rented Escalade. He opens the driver’s door and tosses the OCW title replica onto the passenger side and climbs in, fires the engine and peels out of the driveway. As soon as Vargas is out of the store, Bruce rushes to Jimbo’s aid. He instantly checks for a pulse. PHEW. Thankfully, Jimbo is still breathing. Bruce rushes back behind his counter and pulls out his old fashion rotary phone. He dials numbers as fast as he can.~
Bruce: BOB!!!!! BOB!!! It’s me, Bruce! Bruce Titcomb! We have a big problem! You’re gonna be upset! The guy that assaulted Zig Zag, well, I think he was just here! He just took ole Jimbo clean out of his shoes, eh!? You need to end this guy! He totally damaged my store too! Please!!! Call!!! ASAP!!!
~Bruce hangs up the phone and frantically rushes back over to Jimbo. He then hangs his head in his hands as he realizes he inadvertently gave Chad Vargas Bob’s address..~
Smith: THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!
Hood: Jimbo Grenier has been pumping gas for 20 years? What do you think that pension will be like?
Smith: Seriously?
Hood: Got a good case for workman’s comp now. Dude got lifted.
Smith: That’s TWO of Bob’s relatives that Chad Vargas has assaulted. Something's got to give!
Hood: Spose the car rental place will be mad he dented the bumper in? That Escalade looks pretty clean!
Smith: That’s all you can say?!
Hood: Well, I mean, he slammed into that pole pretty hard…
Smith: I swear, it’s like you’re 10 years old.
Hood: Sometimes, I feel like I’m 10. Especially after yoga.
Smith: Ladies and gentleman, the onslaught of Chad Vargas getting Bob Grenier to accept the match for Greatest Show on Earth is CERTAINLY heating up! There is nothing Chad Vargas won’t do to get Bob on the hook for this match! Will Bob Grenier respond? And how will he respond? Chad Vargas has done too much damage, once Bob gets a hold of Chad, it’ll be GOOD NIGHT CONFEDERATE ICON!
Hood: Honestly, I think Bob HAS to accept now. I mean, all of this stuff, Bob is going to snap. What is better than an ANGRY Bob Grenier? Nothing!
Smith: It’s gonna be one helluva match if it comes to fruition folks! And, speaking of in ring competition...Vargas, who is here live will be competing in tag team competition. That match will take place momentarily. However, I'm told we've got some footage backstage...so, let's head to it!
~The cameras cut backstage to a very serious looking Josie Barnes walking back to her dressing room. As she continues to walk closer, she notices a ton of strange people in the backstage area. As the camera turns to focus on the group Josie stops in her place.~
~The group congregates around the wall right next to Josie’s dressing room. Josie stops and survey’s the crowd. A look of anger slowly crosses her face as she realizes that each of the six people are wearing a superhero cape, a bunny head and an astronaut space suit.~
Josie Barnes: “What the fuck is this?”
~Josie angerly yells out. The crowd turns around and starts to point and laugh at her~
Josie Barnes: “What’s so funny!? Who put you up to this?”
~The crowd ignores her and instead points to the wall. Josie quickly muscles her way to the front and sees that the group was surrounding a Greatest Show on Earth poster. On the poster, written in large red letters are the words~
“Come watch Josie’s career explode.”
Josie Barnes:“Who put you people up to it? It was Ed right!?”
~The crowd continues to ignore Josie, only pointing, shrugging, and laughing~
Josie Barnes: “You think this is funny?”
~The crowd nods almost in unison. Josie snaps, her face almost turning her namesake color~
Josie Barnes: “I’ve had it with all of this shit.”
~She grabs the nearest thing next to her which just happens to be a chair. She turns around and swings, knocking one of the super bunnynauts to the ground. Two try to attack her but she quickly dismisses them with two shots. She swings and connects with one more before the two remaining takes one look at her shrug and run away. Josie is still riled up. She takes a swing at one of the downed bunnies and then one more shot before throwing the chair at yet another one.
Josie Barnes: “I’m so fucking done with this and Ed Houston. It’s time to stop this.”
~She steps over the carnage and slams the door behind her. A second later she walks back out. The camera tries to follow her but is unable to catch up to her as she sprints down the hallway. The camera focuses one more time on the downed men before cutting back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: I'm afraid for that poor girl's sanity. She's really been harassed non stop over the past few weeks
Hood: Oh please...just harmless ribbing
Smith: It isn't when someone doesn't like it, Hood! They need to respect her space
Hood: Is that an Ed Houston joke?
Smith: Ugh, no, it wasn't. But, speaking of Ed Houston...he will take on The Purple VIP herself, Josie Barnes NEXT Monday at the Greatest Show on Earth for the Craze Championship!
Hood: See? She's in a title match. Bitch needs to calm down
Smith: Again, be nice. It is a delicate situation
Hood: I'll delicate HER situatino
Smith: Right. Anyway...it's time for tag team action...so, let's get down to the ring!
Tag Team Match
’The Confederate Icon’ Chad Vargas (8.85 pts) & Tommy Crimson (18.05 pts) vs. Julliet Brooks (8.0 pts) & Kestrel (4.1 pts)
~The crowd in the OCW Arena is growing somewhat restless. We spot a group of OCW fans tossing around a beach ball sporting the face of Dr. Orange. Fans take turns punching the ball with all their might as it bounces higher and higher into the air. Suddenly, the man known simply as Belvedere grabs their short attention spans~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen…it now time for our second match this evening!
~The crowd goes wild!! The ball disappears into the sea of humanity as a higher priority has revealed itself~
Belvedere: This match is a tag team match scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
Lux Aeterna” by Megaraptor hits throughout leading the crowd to boo and immediately want to throw trash. The lights go out suddenly.~
~The violins pick up on Lux Aeterna as a brain comes into focus on the screen. A grainy upside down cross appears in a flash but the brain instantly returns. The three dimensional shot shows the entire organ in all its glory. Memories begin to emit off the brain like smoke from a fire.~
~The memories show each title win of Tommy’s career. Crimson owns most of his own footage which allows for this to occur in real time. The animation of the brain meshed with real live shots come together beautifully as the cover of the masterpiece by Mansell continues.~
~The orchestra behind the rock band, Megaraptor, ramps up as the memories of all Crimsons glory sucks back into the brain The two cerebral hemispheres end up as sticky brain matter that spells out “Mind Fuck”. The lights come on to reveal....nothing. No Tommy, nobody at all. Suddenly, we hear people screaming and at car horn honking. From behind the curtain emerges a yellow, beat up car with The Uber Man behind the wheel!~
Smith: What the heck?!?!
Hood: Who the fuck gave that idiot a license!?! I know what idiot gave him a JOB here, but what state official let this moron become a driver?!?!
~Uber Man maneuvers the car down the ramp carefully as he tries not to make the wheels fall off the sides. When he gets next to the ring, he stops and the back door opens. Out steps Tommy Crimson, HUMAN FLESH jacket and all. The crowd boos as Crimson closes the door and hands Uber Man some money then ruffles the driver’s hair. Uber Man very carefully backs the car up the ramp and behind the curtain as Tommy makes his way to the ring, laughing at the chaos he has caused.~
Belvedere: From The Motor City…standing 6’2 and weighing in at 174lbs…he is the reigning OCW Wrestler of the Month… “The Fury” Tommy Crimson!!!
Smith: Tommy Crimson and The Uber Man? I still don’t get it
Hood: Ya know…guy finally wins Wrestler of the Month and then he starts hanging out with losers. Way to go, Crimson! Some people just can’t handle success, Smith
Smith: If I may play devil’s advocate for a minute..
Hood: You may not!
Smith: Well I’m going to anyway, how about that, huh?! Ahem…perhaps Tommy is sucking up to our commissioner. Commissioner seems to have a soft spot when it comes to The Uber Man.
Hood: Yea, maybe he was molested by a taxi driver as a kid
Smith: I certainly hope not! Wait, which one?!
Hood: Both?
~Crimson steps into the ring and saunters around, arrogantly. Both hands are wrapped tightly around the edges of the opening belonging to his HUMAN FLESH jackets. It’s very evident this man is brimming with confidence and carries little fear over the eventual outcome of his impending match~
Belvedere: And his tag team partner…
~"Needle and the Spoon" - Lynyrd Skynyrd hits! The entire crowd, as though they were synchronized pre-show or…hypnotized unknowingly? Turn in unison toward the ramp. From behind the curtain emerges The Confederate Icon himself – mother fucking Chad Vargas! He heads straight down the ramp – he’s not fucking around. He’s got his eye on Crimson as he walks up the steps and enters into the ring~
Belvedere: From Everclear County, Tennessee…standing 6’4 and weighing in at a southern fed 240lbs…he is a former OCW Champion…he is an OCW Hall of Famer…he is ‘The Confederate Icon’ Chad Vargas!!!
~Vargas throws both arms into the air as Belvedere announces his name. At its conclusion he yells out “That’s fucking right, bitch!” Belvedere turns around, caught off guard by the profane outburst inches from his ear. Vargas lowers both arms and pats Belvedere on the chest – a sign of southern respect, perhaps. He then looks for and locates his tag partner. Tommy is lounging in their corner, looking at the sleeves of his HUMAN FLESH jacket. Vargas takes stock of the macabre apparel and says “That’s fucking disgusting – keep that shit away from me.” Crimson simply laughs~
Smith: This is going to be an interesting pairing, Hood. I don’t see much in the way of teamwork between these two
Hood: Yea, Chad’s more of a southern, whiskey drinking, conservative type whereas Crimson is the more skin you alive and add you to his jacket type.
Smith: They are worlds apart
Belvedere: And their opponents…first…
~The overhead lights dim as the sound of a chopper flying overhead fills the air, the opening for 'Torture' taking over a few seconds later. As the song kicks into proper gear alongside of Layla Brooklyn Allman's scream, lights of a muted shade of pink and white swirl out over the crowd as smoke rises up through the grating of the rampway, the crowd giving a mixed reaction of cheers and boos. The song jumps to the chorus as Kestrel emerges from the back, the slender blond thrusting her fists over her head garnering more of that equal reaction… though such is not something that she seems concerned with. Rather, it appears that the gesture is for her own benefit, and hers alone if one goes by the deep breath she takes before she's in motion anew. As she makes her way down the ramp, it becomes readily apparent that she's not paying the crowd much of a reaction at all-- even a brave fan's successful attempt to run his fingers through the long strands of her hair is ignored beyond the faintest flick of her head away from the touch. Climbing the stairs, Kestrel puts her back to the ring ropes as she looks out over the crowd, though it could be argued quite easily that she's looking past them. A subtle shake of her head and she's kicking off the ring apron to flip into the ring, landing lightly on her feet. From there, she merely makes her way over to her corner and waits for her partner’s arrival so the match can begin~
Belvedere: Making her way to the ring, fighting out of Las Vegas, Nevada…standing 5’7 and weighing in at 156lbs…she is the current OCW Newcomer of the Month…Kestrel!!!
~Vargas shouts something disparaging Kestrel’s way. She chooses to ignore it. Crimson laughs and shouts something totally vulgar in the direction of Kestrel. Her jaw tightens as she keeps her focus on the ramp way~
Smith: They may eat their words, Hood
Hood: Kinda like that alphabet soup stuff?
Smith: My mother never allowed me to eat processed foods
Hood: The fuck you talking about? Those were great! Plus, didn’t you live with Gypsy Witch for awhile…everything about her is processed and unhealthy
Smith: Alice Knight wasn’t my mother
Hood: That explains why you never hit on her
Smith: THAT’S ENOUGH…
Belvedere: And her tag team partner…
~"Down" by Otep hits and out walks Julliet Brooks onto the stage to a chorus of cheers from the audience, simply smiling from ear to ear, and continued to walk down the ramp. Once there she claps some fans hands at ringside then runs and slides underneath the ropes, soaking up the positive reaction. After she leans against the ropes and looks toward the entrance way, showing no intimidation to her upcoming opponents~
Belvedere: Coming down the aisle from Albuquerque, New Mexico…standing 5’4 and weighing in at 154lbs…she is the Pride of New Mexico and was voted the Most Charismatic Star of OCW…please welcome…Julliet Brooks!!!
Smith: I love me some Julliet!
Hood: Sure ya do
Smith: I do! But I am concerned for her in this match…I mean she’s in there with three selfish individuals. Her partner, Kestrel, will aid her as long as it suits her goals, I’m afraid.
Hood: Well of course she will! It’s not like they’re a legit tag team! Do you see any tag belts?
Smith: Plus, she’s got to deal with her tormentor, Tommy Crimson. The only silver lining in all of this is that Vargas and Crimson are just as likely to turn on one another as Kestrel is to turn on Brooks.
Hood: Bros before hoes, Smith. The men will stick together while the women devolve into some hideous reality show on E. I guarantee it.
~Brooks look at Kestrel to confer over who should start the match. Kestrel simply ignores the The Pride of New Mexico. Brooks shakes her head in a disappointing manner. She steps through the ropes and onto the apron. Crimson points and laughs at Brooks. Vargas is standing on the apron taking no issue with Crimson starting the match~
Smith: He’s mocking her for allowing Kestrel the opportunity to start the match!
Hood: I don’t think Kestrel gave her much of a choice
Smith: Julliet is simply taking the high road – as she always does
Hood: The high road is only for people who like having smoke blown up their ass
~The bell rings! The crowd buzzes with excitement. Crimson continues to mock Brooks. Having had enough, Brooks reaches over and slaps Kestrel on the shoulder. Scruff signals a tag has been made! The crowd goes wild. Kestrel turns around, furious. For a moment the two have a staredown…Kestrel and Brooks eye to eye~
Smith: Kestrel is NOT happy about that
Hood: I told ya…real housewives of OCW all up in this bitch
Smith: Give it time, Hood. Give it time!
~Kestrel starts mouthing off to Brooks. Brooks is having none of it. She gets right back into Kestrel’s face. The fans start yelling “FIGHT! FIGHT!” Crimson stands back, taking the situation in. He suddenly realizes opportunity has arrived. Julliet’s back is facing the corner…Kestrel’s back is facing the ring. Crimson charges in for a splash! Brooks slides out of the way! Crimson splashes Kestrel into the corner, front first!! Crimson backs away, looking around for Brooks. He spots her on the outside. He looks at Kestrel and smiles…it wasn’t his intended target, but he’ll take it. She slouches in the corner, suffering the effects of the impact~
Smith: Smart move by Julliet to get out of the way just in time!
Hood: Smart move? She just fucked her partner over! What a bitch!
Smith: If Kestrel had just adhered to the tag rules, that would not have happened
Hood: Always blaming the talent, aren’t you? Gotta promote the weak ones
Smith: Julliet Brooks is FAR from weak. She’s one of our best!
~Crimson grabs Kestrel by the legs and hoists her up, over the top rope. She lands roughly onto the mat and spills to the outside. Crimson looks over the top rope and waves ‘bye, bye’ to Kestrel. While doing so, Brooks quickly slides back into the ring. She spins around and throws a roaring elbow at the back of Crimson’s head. Crimson, though, displays amazing quickness…he turns around and catches her arm. He stares down at her…his somewhat cavalier demeanor changes…murder fills his eyes. He looks down at Julliet, poised to harm her. Julliet, though, lunges forward with a headbutt into his chin!! Crimson stumbles into the corner. The crowd goes wild! He lets go of Brooks. She throws kick after kick into the midsection of Crimson! The crowd, at first, tried to count…but they were unable to keep up so their counting just turns into a loud ovation~
Smith: There she goes! You get him, Brooks! Unleash the fury!
Hood: Uhh…you sure you want that to happen?
Smith: What? Unleashing the Fury…sure why…oh, wait, nevermind…trounce the fury! Keep it down!
~Brooks ceases with the kicking. Crimson is all slouched down in the corner. Brooks backs all the way across the ring. She sizes Tommy up and charges forward. Crimson opens one eye…he sees what’s coming. He quickly pulls himself out of the ring. Julliet is able to hold up just short of slamming into the buckles. Tommy, standing on the outside, points at his head while looking up at Julliet. He then turns to the crowd, who is booing him, to do the same. As he does, he’s quickly taken down by Kestrel!! The crowd goes wild~
Smith: An armbar!! She’s got him in an armbar! Take that you disgusting excuse for a Detroit native!
Hood: Wow, calm down, Smith
Smith: I’m sorry…but a human flesh jacket? Assaulting a small business owner? Sending Who’Re to a psychologist…I’ve had just about enough!
Hood: And that, everybody, is why he’s Wrestler of the Month!
~Kestrel yanks and cranks on the armbar! Crimson reaches for the apron out of desperation…he grabs the cloth but it’s no use. Scruff stands on the outside, watching. Vargas yells into the ring, “Count you dumb mother fucker!” Scruff snaps back into ref mode and begins to count. Kestrel continues to apply as much pressure as she can to cause as much damage as humanly possible within ten seconds. Julliet hops through the ropes. Vargas remains on the apron watching on. His expression reads, “What the fuck is she doing?”~
Smith: It’s open season on Tommy Crimson!
Hood: For fuck’s sake, Scruff…can’t you count any faster?!
Smith: He’s counting as fast as he needs to
Hood: We seriously need a ref that can count to ten without using their fingers
~Julliet starts to stomp on Crimson while Kestrel rips away at his shoulder. Vargas has had enough. He hops off the apron and heads over to the action. He grabs an unaware Julliet Brooks by the hair and tosses her, violently into the barricade. The barricade bends upon impact. He looks down at Kestrel who looks up at him. Scruff yells out “SIX!” Kestrel is caught at somewhat of an impasse. Does she release? And, if so, would she even have enough time to stop what is coming? She says ‘fuck it’ and continues to rip away at Crimson’s arm. Vargas shakes his head at her belligerence and throws a wicked right foot into Kestrel’s face!! The back of her head SMACKS onto the outside floor. The fans at ringside grimace. Her hold loosens enough for Crimson to rip his arm free. He rolls back into the ring clutching at his shoulder. Vargas looks over at Brooks and then at Kestrel…they are both barely moving. He looks up at Scruff who yells “EIGHT!”~
Smith: I think Brooks might be counted out!
Hood: Talk about a flat ending
Smith: Well you can thank your beloved Chad Vargas for that
Hood: Bullshit…if Julliet had just stayed in the ring like a normal person this wouldn’t even be an issue
~Vargas realizes a count out victory is imminent. He frowns. The man does not want the match to end before he has a chance to get involved. He grabs Brooks by the hair and hurls her into the ring, under the bottom rope right as Scruff finishes yelling ‘NINE!’. The crowd at ringside applaud what they deem to be sportsmanship. He turns and yells at them to ‘Shut your fucking mouths!’ They all cower with fear. He heads back to his corner, grabs the tag rope and extends his hand screaming, “Tag me in, Crimson!” Crimson rotates his shoulder…he nearly topples over from the pain. He gets to his feet and heads over to Vargas. He makes the tag~
Smith: While I admire Chad’s willingness to win this match the proper way…I do question his machinations
Hood: Dude, he needs practice just in case Grenier sacks up and shows up at The Greatest Show on Earth
Smith: I guess...I just hope Julliet has enough left in the tank to defend herself against one of the greatest wrestlers in OCW history
Hood: Didn’t these two wrestle once?
Smith: Are you serious? They competed at Stainless Steel Ride! It was a brutal affair.
Hood: Who won?
Smith: I can’t recall
Hood: Chad won, didn’t he
Smith: Like I said, my memory is fuzzy for some reason
Hood: Chad totally won
~Vargas goes right after Brooks. Julliet is on her feet, clearing the trauma induced haze from her head. Vargas reaches back and backhands Julliet across the face! The crowd recoils with shock. Julliet covers her right cheek and looks up at Chad, stunned~
Smith: What a monster!
Hood: Oh so you can put a woman through a table but you can’t smack her? The fuck kind of society is this?
~Vargas looks around, surprised at the reaction. He puts his hands on his hips, taking the silence in. Even Scruff is nonplussed by the act. Vargas throws his arms in the air and yells, “YEA I DID IT!” Brooks suddenly fires up with forearm shots into Chad’s chest! Chad staggers backward…Brooks yells and continues clubbing him in the chest with her forearm shots. The crowd goes wild. Vargas staggers into the ropes. Julliet lifts a knee into his gut. She shoots him off the ropes…Chad reverses…Brooks flies across the ring and leaps onto the middle rope…she springboards off with a moonsault…Chad catches her!! Chad laughs while holding Julliet on his shoulder. She reaches for his eyes, clawing at them. He yells, “WHAT THE FUCK!” He drops her. Julliet lands on her feet behind Chad…she jumps up, grabs his head and drops him with an Inverted DDT!! The crowd starts a furious “BROOKS!” chant! Julliet returns to her feet and heads toward her corner to tag an eager Kestrel into the ring~
Smith: Way to go Julliet! Now, get Kestrel in there and finish these guys off!
Hood: You want Kestrel to finish them off?
Smith: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
Hood: Phrasing, Smith…phrasing is muy importante
~Brooks makes the tag!! Vargas sits up, bewildered. Kestrel charges toward him and blasts him in the face with a Penalty kick!!! The back of Chad’s head bounces off the canvas!! Vargas’ instincts kick in – realizing he’s in danger. He gets to his feet, albeit unaware. He stumbles around, looking for Kestrel. He finds her…but she’s ready…she grabs him by the arm and tosses him to the mat with an armdrag! He returns to his feet and Kestrel tosses him back down with another armdrag! This sequence repeats itself two more times before Vargas finally backslides into a corner, holding his right arm and shoulder in pain. Kestrel stands, poised in the middle of the ring watching, waiting~
Smith: Vargas doesn’t know what to make of Kestrel…she’s tearing him apart
Hood: Guy should have taken the count out. YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE COUNT OUT
Smith: I don’t know if Grenier is going to accept his challenge one week from tonight…but if he does, there might not be much left of Vargas to pick apart
Hood: Okay, calm down…it was just a few arm drags. It’s not like she tied all four of his limbs to four horses going in four different directions and set off some blackcat fireworks, okay?
~Vargas reaches up with his left arm and he grabs the middle rope using it as an aid to stand. He rotates his right shoulder around while keeping an eye on the centered (LITERALLY) Kestrel. He paces around the ring…both competitors remain locked on one another. He passes by Crimson who is still holding onto his injured shoulder. The always impatient Vargas says “Fuck it” and he moves toward Kestrel. He goes for a lock up but Kestrel is able to grab his right arm and yanks it behind his back. Kestrel applies pressure while Vargas is visibly annoyed. He reaches behind with his left hand and is able to snare Kestrel’s blonde hair. He yanks as hard as he can until she’s in position for his left arm to envelope her head. Once he’s done so…her pressure on his arm releases and he flips Kestrel over with a snapmare~
Smith: Nice snapmare by Vargas…didn’t know he knew that move
Hood: Seriously? I think they teach that one the first day of wrestling class
Smith: I took one day of wrestling class…they did not teach me that move
Hood: That’s because they were too busy sending you to the water fountain to fill up the jugs
~Angrily, Vargas throws a flippant kick into Kestrel’s chest. Big mistake. She catches his leg and hops to her feet. Vargas bounces around on one leg – his left. Kestrel spins to the ground, taking Vargas with her by delivering a dragon screw leg whip!!! Vargas yells out in pain, grasping at his right knee. He quickly rolls out of the ring with Kestrel giving chase. He’s able to roll under the bottom rope and to the floor for momentary safety. Kestrel sits upright, facing the ropes with her legs stretched out underneath the bottom rope, frustrated that he was able to get away~
Smith: So close! Kestrel is so close to locking Chad in a situation, submission that he won’t be able to escape from
Hood: Bullshit…Chad has everything under control. This is just his way of making these women feel like they are succeeding. In a way, it’s philanthropic
Smith: That’s horrible
~Vargas hobbles around on the outside. He slaps at his knee, trying to get it feeling somewhat normal. Kestrel gets to her feet and stalks him from within the ring. Vargas watches Kestrel from the corner of his eyes. His hobbling suddenly increases. “FUCKIN KNEE” he says. Kestrel inches closer toward the ropes, sensing weakness. Vargas stumbles forward, nearly falling over~
Smith: That knee suddenly degenerated a great deal!
Hood: Oh man I hope he can compete next week against Bob’s shadow
Smith: Uh, sure
~Vargas staggers forward again, this time into steel steps. He glances sideways at Kestrel. Kestrel nears the ropes, sizing Vargas up, about ready to get after him. Suddenly a hand reaches out and grabs her by the hair!! She gets yanked to the mat!! She hits hard, the back of her head bouncing off the mat!! We look up and see the hand belonged to Crimson! The crowd boos. Vargas stands upright and laughs…he slides into the ring and tags Tommy Crimson back into the match~
Smith: He lured her in!
Hood: How the fuck didn’t she see Crimson standing there?
Smith: She was totally focused on her prey, Hood. She was ready to rip Vargas apart…tunnel vision
Hood: Maybe she should cut some of that ridiculously thick blonde hair if she’s having vision problems
~Vargas yanks Kestrel up and restrains her. Crimson approaches and using his good shoulder proceeds to deliver some overreaching blows across the face of Kestrel! The fans boo louder and louder with each punch. Vargas tells Crimson to stop. Crimson holds up but doesn’t appear that happy about being told what to do. Vargas snares the swimming head of Kestrel, turns around and drops her with a reverse neckbreaker!! Kestrel hits hard! Vargas stumbles back to his feet and he yells at Crimson to pin her. Crimson stands in the corner, staring Vargas down as The Confederate Icon returns to the apron~
Smith: Are we starting to see some cracks in the foundation?
Hood: Still a well oiled machine…just two alpha males trying to work together…I wouldn’t expect a fucking beta to get it
Smith: I will not put up with your slander!
Hood: YES YOU WILL
Smith: Okay
~Crimson decides against going for the cover. Vargas throws his arms up in frustration. Instead, Crimson pulls Kestrel to her feet and hoists her over his shoulder. Crimson eyes the corner and charges forward, looking for Snake Eyes!! Kestrel slips off his shoulder!! Crimson rams, bad shoulder first, into the buckles!! He yells out, clutching his bad shoulder in pain. He turns around and is dropped with a DDT!!! Both Kestrel and Crimson are down! Vargas is beside himself…he yells at Crimson to ‘get his ass’ over there for a tag. Brooks meanwhile urges Kestrel to tag her in…the fans seem to be siding with the women~
Smith: Yes! C’mon! Make the tag!
Hood: Which one?
Smith: Kestrel!! That way Brooks can finally SHUT Crimson up!
Hood: Dude if Brooks gets back in there Crimson is going to end her and then one of our marquee matches for The Greatest Show on Earth will be ruined…you want that, really?
Smith: You’re just afraid she’ll get in there and EXPOSE The Fury!
Hood: AM NOT
~Kestrel drags her body over to Brooks. Crimson looks up and sees her inching closer and closer toward The Pride of New Mexico. Crimson starts to crawl toward Vargas, at a faster pace than Kestrel. He reaches Vargas and makes the tag! The fans boo. Vargas steps into the ring but his wounded knee gets caught up in the ropes a bit. This allows Kestrel enough time to make the tag to Brooks!! The crowd goes wild!! Vargas untangles his knee, gets into the ring and is met with a barrage of kicks and punches to the body!! Vargas staggers back, against the ropes reeling from the assault~
Smith: Yes! Look at her go!! Amazing!
Hood: Calm down otherwise you’ll ruin a perfectly good pair of boxers
Smith: I’m not wearing any boxers
Hood: GROSS
Smith: That doesn’t mean I’m going commando, Hood. I just prefer something snug around my…
Hood: Okay, I think we’ve heard more than enough
~Brooks knees Vargas in the gut!! The Confederate Icon doubles over, wind knocked out of his lungs. Brooks drags him into the center of the ring and sets up behind Chad…she hooks him for the Full Nelson Slam!! She looks out to the crowd for their approval…they chant “DRILL HIM INTO THE MAT!” She smiles and moves to life Vargas…but Vargas throws his head back, violently! It SMACKS Julliet in the mouth!! She weakens her position…Vargas steps to the side, breaks free, hooks her and drills her face first into the mat with The Stroke!! The fans groan…Vargas goes for the pin~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings!
Belvedere: Here are your winners…“THE CONFEDERATE ICON” CHAD VARGAS AND “THE FURY” TOMMY CRIMSON!!!!!
Smith: Dang it!
Hood: Finally…TRUE talent prevails!
Smith: Yea well I’d like to see the results of a FAIR fight
Hood: What are you talking about? That shit was fair!
~Vargas returns to his feet. Scruff raises his hand. Vargas rips his hand away and heads for his corner. Crimson enters the ring. The two come face to face. The crowd urges them to fight~
Smith: What is this?
Hood: You’re a beta, you wouldn’t understand
~Crimson and Vargas stare one another down for a few elongated seconds before Vargas reaches out and gives Crimson a strong, friendly pat on the arm. Vargas exits the ring and heads up the ramp. Crimson eyes Julliet with sinister intent~
Smith: Oh no…leave her alone!
Hood: A few kicks wouldn’t hurt…c’mon, let the guy have some fun
~Crimson heads Julliet’s way. Kestrel comes rushing into view, reaching for his wounded arm. Crimson dodges the fiery submissionist and flies through the ropes, to the outside. He looks up at Kestrel, holding his shoulder. He backs up the ramp, keeping his focus on blonde haired brute~
Smith: Way to go Kestrel! I know she’s not the type I usually cheer for but somebody had to stand in there and do what’s right!
Hood: I don’t think that had anything to do with Brooks, Smith.
Smith: Indeed…she does love ripping people’s joints apart
Hood: Oh man she’d get her ass kicked in Colorado
~Brooks sits up. The crowd gives her a strong applause. Julliet looks up to Kestrel for a hand, Kestrel blows her off, frustrated from the loss. Julliet throws her hands in Kestrel’s direction and rolls out of the ring. Kestrel continues to pace the ring having trouble dealing with her first OCW loss~
Smith: I know she’s upset but she could have helped Julliet to her feet
Hood: Yes and all the children of the world could hold hands and live in eternal peace and harmony…wake up man!
~Julliet heads up the ramp. Crimson has already reached backstage. As she does we see a figure emerge from behind the curtain. It’s CURT CANON! He’s carrying a dozen blonde roses. He’s got a nervous smile on his face. Checkers is hopping behind him with a concerned look. They pass by Julliet who just takes the situation in as any normal person would – with a confused expression~
Smith: What is HE doing down here?
Hood: Oh for fuck’s sake…he’s got flowers AND the monkey with him
Smith: I think…I think he’s a bit infatuated with Kestrel, Hood
Hood: Of course he does…of course the idiot known as Curt Canon would develop feelings for the very person he’s supposed to beat up in one week’s time…OF COURSE
~Canon reaches the ring and starts to march up the steps. Kestrel hears the reaction from the fans and spots the incoming suitor. Canon’s right foot reaches the apron while his left remains on the top ring step. Checkers reaches up, tugging at his foot. Canon looks down. Checkers shakes his head to say ‘no, don’t do this.’ Canon gives him a thumb up, pulls his leg free and marches across the apron. Kestrel, standing in the center of the ring, folds her arms and scowls in the direction of the OCW Hall of Famer~
Smith: Hmm
Hood: That’s not exactly the look a man carrying a dozen roses wants to see from the woman in which they are intended
Smith: Indeed
Hood: She’s looking at him like he forgot to mow the lawn or some shit
~Canon smiles at Kestrel. She remains firm in her displeasure for the event unfolding in front of her. Canon steps through the ropes. Checkers crawls in from under the bottom rope near the corner. The fans seem anxious. Canon looks nervous. He steps closer to Kestrel. She continues to remain motionless, staring a hole through the former OCW Champion~
Smith: Okay Curt…I’m all for a good old fashioned romance but I think it’s time to leave the flowers in the ring and get the heck out of dodge!
Hood: I’m actually curious to see where this goes. I love car wrecks
Smith: So you want to see another man’s heart ripped out on national television?
Hood: I think that’s a bit much. The guy barely knows her…how about just national humiliation?
~Canon finally reaches a normally close, not creepily close, distance from Kestrel. He smiles and extends the dozen blonde roses. The crowd chants ‘YES!’ urging Kestrel to accept them. Kestrel looks at Canon, nonplussed. She tilts her head, confused. Canon shrugs and flashes his signature cheesy grin. Kestrel reaches for the roses~
Smith: Well what do you know…she’s going to accept them!
Hood: Ugh, gross
~Kestrel takes the roses and Canon throws his arms up in triumph. Sadly, the triumph is short lived…Kestrel bashes the roses over Canon’s head!! The crowd boos vociferously. Kestrel leaps into the air and locks Canon into an Armbar!! Canon taps furiously…he yells for help~
Smith: No! Somebody get her off him…she’s going to ruin his arm before The Greatest Show on Earth!
Hood: Good, maybe she’ll finally rid OCW of its most idiotic star
Smith: RUDE
~Suddenly a loud SHRIEK sounds out!! Checkers flies into view, jumping onto Kestrel’s face!! Checkers claws and punches away. He pulls at her blonde hair. The crowd goes wild! Kestrel releases the armbar and focuses her energy on prying the livid primate from her beautifully proportioned face. Canon rolls out of the ring holding his arm in pain. He whistles for Checkers. Checkers looks back but continues his feral assault. Canon, using his unaffected arm, slaps the mat as hard as he can. Checkers finally stops and runs toward his human partner. He hops onto Canon’s shoulder. Kestrel rolls onto all fours, covering her face~
Smith: You can’t really blame Checkers
Hood: Fucking animal is rabid! We need to put his ass down
Smith: You can’t!
Hood: Sure WE can…aren’t there like a million monkeys running around in jungles? Who the fuck would miss just this one?
~Canon, from the apron yells “I’M SORRY!” Kestrel, shielding her face with her right hand uses her left hand to grab pieces from the devastated roses and throw them in Canon’s direction. Checkers SHRIEKS back at her. Canon, looking nervous that another attack might be on the horizon, turns around and hurries up the ramp with Checkers on his shoulder. Our view shifts inside the ring as a camera man tries to get a close up look at Kestrel’s face…she palms the lens, shoving the camera away. We cut backstage~
~We cut backstage to AKB standing outside a door labeled ‘Private’ as he waits for somebody to answer his knock. After a couple seconds of silence, he pounds on the door once more. The door opens just a crack. When the person behind the door spots AKB, the door quickly closes.~
AKB: Hey, what’s happening in there?!
Voice: No speak English! Go away!
AKB: ‘Go away’ is English. I know that’s you, Matt.
~The door slowly opens again, and Matt Meyhu sticks his head out, keeping the door mostly closed still~
Matt Meyhu: Well aren’t you a regular Jack Puffer. What do you need? I’m busy here!
AKB: I’m just curious what’s going on in this room. There has been a lot of noise coming from here. Loud music, laughter, some very offensive comments. Rumor has it, there’s a big star here tonight.
Matt Meyhu: What is this, a hotel? Who’s wasting their time complaining about noise around here? And yes, there are TWO big stars here tonight. I’ve got a very special guest here checking out what OCW is all about! And he doesn’t want-
AKB: Well who is it?!
~AKB tries to force his way into the room, but Meyhu holds his ground. he finally backs out, frustrated~
AKB: Come on. You know I’m going to find out eventually.
Matt Meyhu: You sure will, at the same time everybody else does. And that, my friend, will be at The Greatest Show on Earth!
AKB: Ah…
Matt Meyhu: What?
AKB: Nothing.
Matt Meyhu: Uh huh.
AKB: You’re that afraid of losing so you called in some backup.
~Meyhu laughs his comments off~
Matt Meyhu: This has nothing to do with backup. This is just a friend of mine who wants to see the show! Nothing more.
~Just then, a somewhat familiar voice yells from inside the room~
Other voice: Ay, is that a lady I hear?
~Meyhu gives AKB a once-over. He wrinkles his nose~
Matt Meyhu: Not at all.
~Meyhu goes to close the door, but AKB places his hand on it, stopping the door~
AKB: One more thing, unrelated… You’re my favorite wrestler in OCW.
~Matt tries to hide the smile on his face~
Matt Meyhu: Well, I do appreciate that.
~Meyhu begins to stare off and AKB darts for the door. Meyhu stops hms from entering, but isn’t quick enough to prevent him from getting his head through. He freezes up~
AKB: Oh my god! Is that…Wow.
Other voice: What’s up?
~Meyhu is able to lead AKB back into the hallway without much trouble. He reaches into his pocket for a wad of cash~
Matt Meyhu: Now you see? How much to keep you quiet? $39? How about $52? I won’t go any higher than $65.
~Meyhu slips a few bills into the hand of the starstruck interviewer’s hand, who says nothing. He waves his hand in front of his face. Nothing again. Meyhu shrugs and goes back inside the private suite, gently closing the door behind him. We cut back to ringside~
Smith: Did AKB just kinda, sorta break a halfway story?
Hood: Not on purpose. Guy probably thought some kinda wild stripper party was going on and wanted in on the action
Smith: Still...that was potentially monumental news...who do you think is in there with Meyhu?
Hood: Good question...Bruno Mars?
Smith: BRUNO MARS!! EEEK!
Hood: Geezus...calm down. It's not Bruno Mars. And why did that get you so excited
Smith: He's my favorite musician!
Hood: In all likelihood...if I had to guess...I'd say its...umm...it could be...hmm, let's see
Smith: Yes...YES???
Hood: Ah, fuck it. I have no idea
Smith: Such a disappointment. No doubt Meyhu has something up his sleeve...and with the company backing him...that surprise visitor could LITERALLY be anyone.
Hood: Not literally...you really think he's back there hanging out with Draymond Green?
Smith: Probably not...anyway...the night rolls on! Let's head backstage for more!
~Michael Roth (aka. The Uber Man) walks down the hall backstage at Monday Night Massacre. He isn’t in his superhero uniform, but just his street clothes. He accidentally bumps into a janitor, who immediately shoves him out of the way~
Janitor: Watch out, faggot!
~The janitor walks away. The Uber Man sulks for a moment~
Uber Man: He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
~Uber Man continues to walk until he sees a dressing room door. The placard on the door reads: Alice Knight. The door is slightly cracked open~
Uber Man: But soft! What light through yonder door crack breaks?
~Uber Man sneaks up to the door and peeks through. He can barely see Alice Knight sitting on the couch, scooping orange pulp out of a jar and eating burnt toast~
Uber Man: Aw… It is the east, and Alice Knight is the sun. It is my lady… Oh… It is my love. Oh, that she knew she were!
~Alice takes a bite of orange pulp, but then swallows down the wrong pipe. She starts to violently cough~
Uber Man: She speaks… Yet she says nothing. What of that? She’s trying to say something… Maybe she needs help. I will answer this call.
~The Uber Man places his hand to open the door, hoping to enter and pat her on the back. But he stops, slinking to the ground~
Uber Man: I am too bold… It’s not to me she speaks.
~Uber Man glances back in through the crack. Alice is still coughing, and some of the orange pulp is starting to get on her cheeks~
Uber Man: Look how beautiful she is… Her cheeks as bright as the stars, that birds would sing and think it were not night. Look at how the orange pulp rests on her cheek… Oh, that I were the juice upon that pulp.
~Alice Knight finally lets out one final cough~
Alice: Oh God…
Uber Man: She speaks… Oh, speak again, bright owl! For you are as glorious to this night as a winged messenger of Heaven!
~Alice recovers after a few moments, taking a drink of mustard. She is still unaware of Uber Man peering through the door, as she begins to think out loud...~
Alice: Oh Uber Man, Uber Man… Why must you be the Uber Man? Change your persona and change your name. Or… If you don’t want to… Just swear to love me, and I’ll no longer be an owl! Hash-tag HOOT HOOT HOOT!
~Uber Man looks concerned~
Uber Man: Should I speak at this? Nah… I’ll keep listening…
Alice: It’s only your name that’s my enemy. You’d still be you, even if you were no longer the Uber Man. What’s an Uber anyway? It’s not a hand, a foot, an arm, a face, or any other fun part of a man. Just change your name. What’s a name anyway? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. Uber Man would be perfect, even if we didn’t call him Uber Man. Uber Man… Change your identity, and I will give you all of me.
~Uber Man looks confident. He pushes the door open and walks in. Alice screams in shock~
Uber Man: I take thee at thy word! Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized. Henceforth I never will be the Uber Man!
Alice: Who the feck are you?! Why do you hide behind the door and eavesdrop on my private brain thoughts?!
~Uber Man, realizing he does not have his mask on, slightly panicks. Alice must not recognize his regular face~
Uber Man: I… Shit… I… I don’t know how to explain by saying my name... I hate my name, angel, because my name is your enemy, according to Josie. If I created a Twitter, she would immediately block it.
~Alice leans forward, eyeing him carefully~
Alice: I may not be the best at math. But you’ve barely said ten words, but I recognize your voice. Aren’t you… the Uber Man?
~The Uber Man lets out a sigh, sliding his green mask from his pocket. He slides the mask over his head~
Uber Man: I am not that man… If it pleases you.
Alice: How did you get back here? This is an employee only area. The hallways are extensive, and if Josie or Lukas found you back here, I don’t know what they’d do.
Uber Man: I flew through these hallways with the wings of love. Stone walls can’t keep love out. Whatever a man in love can possibly do, his love will make him do it.
~Alice stares at him blankly. He shrugs~
Uber Man: I was also recently made an official employee. So I just moseyed on in.
Alice: Oh… Yeah, that makes sense. But if Josie or Lukas find you here, they’ll surely kill you.
Uber Man: Please… One rude word from you would be exponentially worse than any of their attacks. Just show me your smile, and I’m impervious to their hate.
Alice: Oh art thou Uber Man, I’d give anything to keep you safe. I mean I won't do butt stuff, or sacrifice my ants.... but ... basically anything.
Uber Man: No but stuff, got it... But if you don’t love me, I’d rather they come and find me. I’d rather them slay me and skin me to my bones than be without your love.
~Alice’s heart flutters~
Alice: Um… But how did you find my dressing room? Did Craig tell you where it is? Who is Craig you, ask? I don't know... I... don't know.
Uber Man: Love. Love showed me the way. Love guided me. If you were across the farthest sea, love would sail me to you.
~Alice raises an eyebrow at him again~
Uber Man: There’s also a directory as soon as you check in…
Alice: Oh, yeah, duh…
~They stand awkwardly silent for a moment~
Alice: Uber Man… Would you really swear your love to me? I know Josie hates you and would hate us together… But if you swear to me, I’ll believe you and perhaps I can swear it back. In a not butt-stuff kind of way.
Uber Man: Of course, of course... But I swear I do.
~Alice’s heart flutters again~
Alice: Oh my… Well… I believe you. And maybe I can find the love for you after all. But, I hope you don’t expect anything tonight. This is still very fresh, like a batch of muffins right out of the oven. It has happened too quick. Like lightening. So lets just leave this here… Good night. If our love is the raw dough of raisin cookies, it will be a fluffy batch of burnt cookies by the next time we meet.
Uber Man: Will you leave me so unsatisfied?
Alice: What would you like? Again...
~Uber Man looks a little confused. He’s a bit intimidated by her forwardness~
Uber Man: I know, I know, no Butt-Stuff... Um… I don’t know…
Alice: How about this… One kiss… Then it's goodnight…
~She leans forward, giving him a kiss on the cheek~
Alice: Goodnight, my sweet Uber-Man. My possible love?
~Alice softly shuts the door, leaving the Uber Man in the hallway. After a moment he nearly collapses, his body vibrating and shaking suddenly~
Uber Man: Oh… Oh shit… Oh my god…
~He finally calms down. He stands up and looks around~
Uber Man: Is there a bathroom nearby?
~We cut back to ringside~
Smith: How sweet...very redolent in a Shakespearean kind of way
Hood: What in the who? All I got from that was two fucking weirdos talking in some backwards, Canadian type language
Smith: Again, you wouldn't...
Hood: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
~Hood LEAPS out of his chair. We see a stray cat dart off in the distance~
Hood: A CAT! It's a FUCKING CAT...first an ANT and now a CAT...we need an exterminator!
Smith: I'm sure that cat was just leftover in here from all the refugees
Hood: Okay, if that's true then we REALLY need to hire a new cleaning crew. But...I prefer to live in reality and reality states that the GYPSY WITCH herself, Alice Knight planted that cat under the desk so it would scare me!
Smith: I think you're just being paranoid
Hood: No way man...an ant, okay, maybe. But a fucking CAT...she's cursed me, Smith. I'm cursed. And, shit, I didn't even think to look...was it a black cat?
Smith: I don't know, it's dark in here
Hood: It was black, wasn't it? A fucking black cat! Not...not that there's anything wrong with black cats
Smith: Of course not! But surely you're not cursed...I'd let you know if I thought that might be a possibility
Hood: Would you, Smith? WOULD YOU
Smith: I'd like to think so. Anyway...we've got a third and final video from Chad's final attempt at persuading Grenier to face him at The Greatest Show on Earth. To catch everyone up...Vargas has a chance to become the #1 Contender to the OCW Title at The Greatest Show on Earth this Monday. He just needs Bob Grenier to show up and face him. For weeks he's tried convincing Grenier to take the match but Bob...a changed man, has declined. So, Vargas has done everything he can think of to force Grenier into accepting this match. I feel and fear that what we are about to see is his final attempt at convincing the former OCW Champion. Let's take a look...and, again, OCW is not responsible for what you are about to see
~The scene opens back in the shit heap that is Timmins, Ontario, Canada. The camera pans the neighborhood. Or lack there of. Cow pastures stretch on for miles, we focus in on a leaning mailbox reading ‘Grenier’ on the side of it. A few feet away, a crooked roadway sign stands with the name ‘Grenier Lane’ adjourning it.~
Hood: Is anyone else as stoked as me to see there aren’t any backwards letters in the name on the mailbox OR the road sign?!
Smith: Yes… We are so ‘stoked’.
Hood: Your sarcasm overwhelms me.
~A blacked out Escalade drives slowly down the dirt road that is Grenier Lane. A few broken down outparcel buildings litter the sides of the road. The road is rather long, for a driveway. Perhaps a mile or so in length. Once to the end of the road, a large dilapidated farmhouse sits to the side. Shingles are ripped off, paint has been scrapped off the sides of the home. It’s really in sad shape. The Escalade parks just before the home. The door opens, out of the driver’s seat hops CHAD VARGAS.~
Smith: Hasn’t he done ENOUGH damage to Bob Grenier and his family?
Hood: Nah, i’m thinking he’s gonna add some more damage to his resume.
~As Vargas scans his surroundings, the passenger side door of the Escalade flies open, and out hops TOMMY CRIMSON!!!~
Smith: Great! Now Tommy Crimson is involved in this madness!
Hood: Tommy Crimson 4 PREZ!!!
~Tommy scans the neighborhood himself as Vargas leads the way. He walks up the rickety steps to the front door with Tommy in tow. Upon reaching the door, Vargas stops for a second before out of nowhere KICKS the motherfucker in. The power of the kick ripped that cheap ass fucking door right off the hinges. Vargas and Crimson enter the premise and look around. Aside from the smell of absolute death, dirty pussy, and raw sewage, the place is a fucking disaster. Beat up shit stained furniture, an old television set from the 70’s with tinfoil on the antenna, and dead rats are just some of the stuff the two newly formed tag team partners see while they check out the old Grenier homestead.~
Vargas: Check this out.
~Vargas takes off down the hallway, with Crimson just behind him. They stop at a door with a poster of a topless Roseanne Barr, underneath the poster reads: “BOB”. Apparently Bob Grenier’s old room. Vargas and Crimson exchange a chuckle as Vargas reaches for the door and pushes that sumbitch open.~
Smith: This is absolutely inappropriate! This is the house that built Bob Grenier and Chad Vargas and Tommy Crimson think they can trespass and cross all of these personal boundaries? It’s NOT RIGHT!
Hood: I’d rather watch this than anything that involves Alice Knight not getting beat up!
Smith: You are incredible, do you know that?
Hood: Thank you!
~With the door to Grenier’s room open, a small twin bed sits in the corner. Some marijuana paraphernalia sits atop a busted ass dresser. The one place in the entire room that looks absolutely pristine is a shelf adjacent toddler bed, it is loaded with those POP action figures. AKA fucking gay ass dolls.~
Crimson: What are these shits? Barbie dolls or something?
~Vargas squints his eyes as he gets a closer look to this pile of patheticness. There’s a Terminator one, a Rick Grimes one, a Chewbacca one, I mean you name it, and it’s there. This is absolutely nerd heaven. Vargas and Crimson look at one another in astonishment.~
Vargas: This guy is a fuckin’ child!
~Vargas walks over to the wooden shelf and grabs a hold of it. He dumps it over, knocking all of the POP figures over onto the floor. Vargas takes one more scan of the room before glancing over at Crimson, who tosses him a zippo lighter. Vargas smirks arrogantly as he snaps open the zippo exposing open flame. He then bends over and lights the wooden bookshelf on fire. Vargas and Crimson smile at one another as Vargas flips the zippo back to Crimson. They leave the room and head back out into the common area of the Grenier dump, letting Bob’s room begin to burn.~
Smith: SOMEBODY call the POLICE!!! This is Bob Grenier’s childhood home ladies and gentlemen! Those are Bob Grenier’s personal collection!
Hood: RELAX...this was taped days ago, idiot.
Smith: Oh, sorry, forgot. It's just that this is so heartbreaking!!! SO absurd!!!
Hood: I do have a Hood POP figure though. I’m not gonna lie. I got a Dean bobble head too.
Smith: Don’t you care about what is happening to OCW’s own, Bob Grenier?!
Hood: Not really. I do wonder if he had a Hood POP in his collection though.
~Vargas and Crimson make their way back out into the living room area. Vargas stands in front of the Grenier family fireplace. Above the fireplace on a mantle is an old dusty urn, that reads ‘Sonny Grenier - 1943-2005’. Vargas pops the top off the urn and sniffs the inside. His face says it all as he quickly moves it from his face. Before anything else, Vargas tips the urn upside down, as all the ashes inside comes flying out onto the shitty wood floor beneath them. With the ashes clumped onto the floor, Vargas slides his boot across them, rubbing them into the dirty stained hardwood.~
Vargas: Good ole Sonny Grenier! God rest your useless soul!
~Vargas and Crimson exchange a fist bump, as they look around for more carnage to deliver throughout the Grenier homestead. Black smoke begins billowing out of Bob’s bedroom.~
Smith: This is so horrible. I am nearly in tears! This is a line that never should have been crossed. EVER!
Hood: They better beat feet before they get burnt down with the Bobby G house!
Smith: That’s all you can say? They just besmirched a deceased member of the Grenier family. Do you not understand how much of an absolute abomination this is!?
Hood: I think Sonny had ties to the Canadian mob, I think he can handle it.
Smith: Unreal. UNREAL!!! THIS IS A SAD DAY!!! NOT ONLY IN ONLINE CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING, BUT IN THE FREE WORLD THAT WE LIVE IN!!!
~Vargas smashes the urn against the floor as he and Crimson walk out of the house, as fire begins to fully engulf the structure. As the two absolute bad ass men exit the Greiner homestead, Crimson taps Vargas on the shoulder. Vargas looks over to see Crimson pointing to an old garage about 40 feet away. Vargas nods, the two smile and begin walking towards the garage. Vargas and Crimson reach the garage. Surprisingly enough, the garage is in way better condition than the house itself. Vargas reaches the door first, only to find it padlocked. Vargas fucks with the lock a few seconds before realizing there’s no way he’s getting in.~
Crimson: Chad… Watch yourself…
~Vargas turns to Crimson just as he pulls a 9mm from the back of his jeans. He cocks it and points it toward the padlock and fires one shot. The lock and the latch split apart. Vargas tosses him a thumbs up as Crimson tucks his piece back in his pants. Vargas pushes the door open and flips a light switch. Surprisingly, there is electricity in this old garage. Much to both their surprise, the garage is slam pack full of mint condition antique farm equipment. And no, we aren’t talking about retired slaves. Vargas and Crimson exchange a shocked look at one another. Crimson goes one way to investigate and Vargas goes the other.~
Smith: There is a couple million dollars in that garage! I don’t even want to know their intentions.
Hood: Their intentions? They just burnt the fucking house to the ground! Do you suppose they are going to respect all this redneck shit in here?
Smith: GOD I HOPE SO!!!
Hood: I’m not into tractors and shit but, if all this shit is so valuable why does Bob Grenier live like such a slob? I mean, I imagine Welsh pays him a somewhat decent Hall of Fame contract. Better than our pay, I can assure you of that!
Smith: Live within your means. That’s how I li---
Hood: Shut up!
~Vargas happens onto a large painted self portrait hanging on the wall. With the banner “Enos Sherman Grenier - Farmer of the Century”. It appears as the Greniers once had a noble farm land here before the crops and money went away. It’s like a museum in the garage of old farm equipment. Just than, a loud engine is heard revving. Vargas looks around paranoid, before seeing Crimson sitting on an old John Deere. Smoke rolling out of the stack as he shifts through the gears. It's clear that Crimson isn’t necessarily a professional behind the wheel of a tractor, but he is certainly getting it done.~
Crimson: Hop on!
~Vargas thinks a few seconds before jogging over and jumps on the back of the tractor, hanging on for dear life as Crimson grinds through the gears. He picks up speed and crashes right THROUGH the fucking roll-up garage door.~
Hood: Ole Tommy is really cruising on that fucking thing!
Smith: Please dear God don’t let them wreck that!
~It’s almost like Crimson heard Smith, as he downshifts and takes out a tree like it was nothing. Vargas swings back and forth as Crimson hits just about every inanimate object there is in his path. Crimson then turns the tractor around, and heads straight for the burning homestead. He picks up speed and crashes that sumbitch right through the god damn living room! Crimson keeps going until the tractor smashes into the brick fire place and doesn’t move anymore. Black smoke rolls out of the engine, much like what happens when you’re playing GTA and you absolutely annihilate a vehicle. Crimson and Vargas then jump off the smoking rig as they haul ass out of the now furiously burning house.~
Crimson: JOHN FUCKING DEERE! Motherfucker knows how to build a rig, ahh!?
Vargas: Yes sir! Let’s get out of this shithole.
Crimson: Wait up, we gotta mark it.
~Crimson pulls a can of black spray paint from his pocket and tosses it to Vargas. Vargas turns to look back at the rapidly burning house. Thinking to himself, ‘how the fuck are we supposed to mark this if it’s gonna be a slab in an hour’. It’s almost as if Crimson read his mind.~
Crimson: We’ll leave the garage standing, c’mon.
~Crimson leads the way heading back to the garage as Vargas follows. Vargas shakes the paint can as they reach the side of the garage, Crimson said they’d leave it standing, but she’s sitting pretty lopsided after he drove a 17,000 pound fucking tractor through it. Vargas points the spray paint at the wall and begins tagging it.~
TOMMY CRIMSON
2018
DO U ACCEPT YET, BITCH?
Smith: This is totally unacceptable. I am literally sick to my stomach.
Hood: Here, hold on a second, I’ve got some rolaids somewhere around here…
~Vargas and Crimson exchange a high five as they retreat back to their Escalade. Once they reach it, they hop in. Vargas driving, Crimson riding shotgun. Vargas tosses it in reverse and begins to turn around, as he’s backing out he inadvertently backs into the well house, disintegrating it. Vargas and Crimson look at each other, and then both shrug. Fuck it. Vargas puts it in drive and begin heading out the driveway. As they begin driving closer to the main road, they see something they didn’t see on their way in. An old walker hound dog chained to a tree, a little dog house sitting next to him, the name “OTIS” painted above the doggy door. Vargas slows, and then comes to a stop several feet away from the old mutt.~
Vargas: What kind of scum fucks chain a dog to a tree and leave him like that?
~The old dog does look rather depressed. Vargas shakes his head. Crimson appears deep in thought. Vargas steps on the gas, but Crimson hits his shoulder.~
Crimson: Hold up!
~Vargas stops the rented Escalade again, Crimson reaches into the back seat of the SUV and pulls out a fucking TEC-9! Vargas doesn’t know quite what to think at first.~
Crimson: Always prepared, my brother.
~Crimson locks and loads as he jumps out of the SUV, he leans the gun on the hood of the Escalade and aims at ole Otis. POW POW POW POW POW POW. Crimson fires off six shots. A loud wimper can be heard as Otis is no longer seen anymore. Crimson jumps back into the vehicle as Vargas peels out, heading for the main road.~
Vargas: FUCK BOB GRENIER!
Crimson: FUCK BOB GRENIER! We gotta hang out more often, Chad!
~They turn right at the main road, and then out of sight.~
Smith: Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen I’m so very sorry for what you’ve just witnessed. Chad Vargas, Tommy Crimson, you two are going straight to hell! I am SOOO beyond disgusted by what we’ve just witnessed. I am literally shook to my core.
Hood: For once, I will agree with you. I mean, if it was a cat, I could understand. But, you don’t kill a defenseless dog man. Ugh.
Smith: We need to go to commercial break, I think we all need to collect our thoughts, and please, folks, keep Bob Grenier and his beloved family in your prayers this evening. Marcus Welsh needs to terminate both of these scoundrels indefinitely. Online Championship Wrestling does not condone this type of behavior.
Hood: PETA is going to be all over this.
~Back at the Grenier homestead, we see ole Otis running happily through the tall hay field, completely unharmed. It appears Crimson nicked Otis’ chain, freeing him, instead of murdering this poor dog.~
Smith: OMG… OMG!!! Sooo relieved!
Hood: Well look at that! Good ole Otis free as a fucking bird! Tommy Crimson, you sir, are a HERO!
Smith: A hero!?!?!?
Hood: What kind of dick jockey chains a dog, anyway? Bob Grenier should be ashamed!
Smith: I don't know about that...but he will be infuriated...which might wind up getting Vargas exactly what he wants
Hood: On a side note...how about Vargas and Crimson getting along? We didn't see much of that in their match
Smith: Eh, we saw some...but you know how competition goes, Hood.
Hood: True, it's easy to be friends when you're playing pick up basketball, having drinks at the local bar and burning rivals homes down while shooting at their dogs. But when it comes to competition - all bets are off.
Smith: On that note… let’s see what else is going on!!!
~Josie is backstage after her match, as she was storming down the hallway. She was looking for one person. She was tired of the mind games Ed Houston was playing with her. She finds him soon enough, as she walks up to him, madder than ever. She gets right in his face~
Josie: What the fuck Ed, enough with the mind games. I know it is you.
~Ed looks at Josie, as he gives a look of innocence. He shakes his head~
Ed: I don't know what you are talking about Josie.
Josie: Really the Rocket Man last week, this week the people wearing bunny heads, cape, and astronaut suit. I know it is you. You might as well just come clean, and admit it.
~Ed shrugs his shoulders, acting like he still had no idea~
Ed: Josie It wasn't me. I don't have the time to waste playing mind games with you.
~Josie gets closer to him, as she was now looking up. She was tired of the games. She growls softly, as she shakes her head~
Josie: I know it was you. Stop denying it.
~Josie gets louder this time. Ed looks at her, as he shrugs his shoulders~
Ed: Wasn't me, you're not worth the time.
~Ed turns, as he starts to walk away. Josie finally had enough, as she runs up behind him, She hits him in the back of his back, knocking him forward. He turns around looking at Josie, right as Josie hits him in the face with her forearm. She goes to do it again, as Ed blocks it, pushing Josie back. Josie's back hits a table. Ed grabs Josie's head, slamming it down on the table. Josie pushes Ed off of her after the second head smash. She knocks him in his head while moving away from the table. She grabs his arm, whipping him into the table. After he hits the table, Josie runs, as she leaps in the air, coming down with her leg, hitting Ed with a leg drop bulldog, putting him through the table. Josie gets up, as she looks down at him. Refs and security come running over pushing Josie back, as they check on Ed. We cut back to ringside~
Smith: A brutal assault by the Purple VIP. I told you she was at her boiling point!
Hood: For the love...Ed was just sitting there probably donating to some type of save the starving children campaign and Josie attacks him! Unbelievable
Smith: Ed has been dismissing her all month. I like Ed but, come on, he'd be a fool to think that wasn't coming
Hood: Yea well he'll get her back
Smith: He's got the chance next Monday at The Greatest Show on Earth. Josie Barnes and Ed Houston will settle the score for the Craze Championship in a Bloody TLC match!
Hood: Should be rad
Smith: A lot of 'rad' things are on the horizon, Hood. It's PPV week! Which means great matches and exciting returns and...speaking of returns...let's head backstage!
~The jumbotron flickers and the scene opens up at the back entrance of the arena where a big muscular security guard is standing. A young woman in a skimpy yellow outfit walks up and stands nervously~
Guard: can I help you miss?
~The young lady twirls her hair and sways her body to and fro.~
Young lady: I'm here to see mr. Welsh.
Guard: can I see your credentials?
Young lady: uh, my credentials?
~The young lady thinks for a minute then reaches inside her purse and hands the guard a card. The guard looks it over then shakes his head and hands it back to her~
Guard: i need to see some credentials to ensure you are allowed back here. A medical card stating that you are not HIV positive wont do it.
Young lady: well can you call him please.
Guard: give me a second.
~The guard taps his finger on his earpiece and radios the control room. There is an inaudible conversation, after which the guard nods at the woman and waved her through~
~A few moments later, Tony the Spider walks up. The guard looks him over and uses his arm to halt Tony's movement~
Guard: sorry man, gotta show me some credentials in order to get through back here.
~Tony smiles and reaches inside his fanny pack. He pulls out a card and hands it to the guard~
Guard: thanks.
~The guard inspects the card, then turns back to Tony~
Guard: sorry man, can't let you through.
~Tony reaches for his 2017 ocw employee id and places it back in his fanny pack~
Tony: but I work here. I'm one of the biggest ocw stars.
Guard: what's your name?
Tony: they call me Tony the spider.
Guard: the spider? You look more like a cockroach to me.
~The 2 men stare at each other awkwardly for a couple seconds, then the guard bursts into laughter. Tony laughs along with him. Tony starts to make his way inside as the guard once again places his arm out~
Guard: sorry, still can't let you through.
Tony: can you call someone? They will know who I am. I need to get in there, I have an announcement to make.
Guard: okay give me a second.
~The guard placed his finger on his ear piece and talks to someone in the control room. After a couple seconds he returns and shakes his head.~
Guard: sorry, no one is expecting a Spider tonight. You sure you in the right place?
Tony: yes. C'mon man call the boss.
Guard: that was the boss.
Tony: you have never heard of Tony the spider? The greatest wrestler to come out if Emilio's backyard?
Guard: (shakes his head) nope. Sorry man.
Tony: maybe this will help. (Tony begins to laugh) hahahahahahahahahahhahaha !
Guard: Stop. What the hell is that?
Tony: it's my menacing laugh. Hahahahahahaha!
~Midway through his laugh the guard pulls out taser and aims it at Tony. He sends a shock as Tiny crumples to the floor. The guard stands over Tony and mumbles~
Guard: crazy fans. They will try anything to get in the building...
~We cut back to the announce table~
Smith: Tony the Spider!!
Hood: Please tell me that's not the guy who was hanging with Meyhu in his locker room
Smith: Well AKB didn't mention any laughter, did he?
Hood: Not that I can recall
Smith: Okay, so it probably wasn't him. Regardless...it appears Tony is looking for work
Hood: So what? Does that mean we are obligated to hire him?
Smith: He is entertaining
Hood: To stoners and retards, maybe. I mean, shit...Uber Man...Zybala...now Tony the fucking Spider...and don't get me started on Ali...
~A loud SCREECH sounds out as a giant Owl swoops down, nearly taking Hood's head off. He ducks just in time. The Owl flies over the crowd. The crowd goes wild with a "OWL IS NIGHT" chant. The Owl takes a lap before flying back into the rafters. Hood slowly looks up, eyes widened~
Hood: That owl tried to KILL me
Smith: It was a rather close call
Hood: Holy shit man...see? SEE! She cursed me!
Smith: The ant, no way. The cat...eehh, doubtful. But now, now I'm starting to think something might be up.
Hood: I've got to do something about this. There are a shit ton of owls in Nebraska, right?
Smith: Sure...ants and cats are out there too
Hood: Mother of God. Yes...I need to fix this issue with her...have her lift that curse.
Smith: Nice to see you coming around.
Hood: Don't get me wrong...I still hate her fucking guts but, man, I think I hate dying more
Smith: We all have our priorities...anyway, folks...I'm told Marcus Welsh is standing by with a few announcements...let's head backstage!
~We cut to the office of GM Marcus Welsh. Welsh is seated in his chair looking like he always looks. He clears his throat and begins speaking~
Marcus Welsh: I’ll make this quick. It’s been quite the evening…some great surprises and some head scratchers.
~Welsh utters something that sounds like “fucking Zybala”~
Marcus Welsh: I have a few quick announcements for The Greatest Show on Earth. First off…this Lukas Emery situation. I can confirm…unequivocally…despite whatever our wacky commissioner says…he will NOT be cashing in on the OCW Title next Monday. We WILL have a decisive champion when the night is over.
~Welsh flips a page. Yes, he’s got pages in front of him~
Marcus Welsh: As for the actions of Vargas tonight. I have heard no word from any Canadian authorities so, as far as I’m concerned, he’s good to go for Monday. All we need now is Grenier. I have heard from Bob. He didn’t go into what took place earlier this week. He merely stated that he would be at The Greatest Show on Earth…to get married. Nothing more. So, sorry Chad.
~Welsh flips another page~
Marcus Welsh: Now onto what we saw with Checkers and Kestrel. We can’t have that rogue monkey ruining what should be a great match so, we need a cage. But Checkers won’t be in the cage, nope. Kestrel and Curt Canon will compete inside a cell. The winner must escape that cell through a door at the very top. A ladder will be inside the ring to provide a means of escape. The first person to escape the cell and reach the floor will win.
~Welsh flips to the final page~
Marcus Welsh: And, finally…I’m pleased to announce that The Greatest Show on Earth has officially sold out! We are expecting record breaking numbers both with attendance AND gate profits. It should be a great night for this legendary company. So, I want everyone to tune in next week for The Greatest Show on Earth!
OCW Presents: The Greatest Show on Earth
LIVE! Monday, June 11th 2018
From Inside the OCW Circus Tent @ Papillion, Nebraska
Opening Match
Singles Match
OCW Craze Championship
OCW Championship #1 Contenders Match & Margarita Mix Trophy
OCW Championship
Caged Ladder Match
Curt Canon vs. Kestrel
450 Light Tube Match
Julliet Brooks vs. Tommy Crimson
Bloody TLC Match
Ed Houston vs. Josie Barnes
'The Confederate Icon' Chad Vargas vs. Bob Grenier?
Iron Man Match
The Incredible One (c) vs. 'The Marvel' Matt Meyhu
~We cut back to the announce table~
Smith: It should be a tremendous event, Hood...I can't wait...seven days away!
Hood: And, if we're lucky...in a few minutes Knux will mutilate TIO and the whole event next week can be centered around a Meyhu coronation!
Smith: That would be disgusting and a potential event killer. TIO/Meyhu III is going to be one of the biggest matches in OCW history
Hood: Two and a half
Smith: Huh?
Hood: Two and a half...that second match had CJ
Smith: Oh, right. Regardless...TIO and Meyhu entered OCW last year as brothers. They ended the year as enemies. Along the way Meyhu won the OCW by defeating TIO. TIO returned the favor by defeating CJ and Meyhu in a triple threat to claim his first OCW Title victory. Now...they look to compete in the rubber match...an Iron Man match
Hood: Fuck yea...but first TIO has to go through his former friend...Knux
Smith: Indeed....in a shocking turn of events a few weeks ago Knux aligned with Marcus Welsh by turning on TIO. Tonight TIO gets his chance for payback
Hood: Stupid move if you ask me
Smith: We shall see. Wait, what are you doing?
Hood: Oh, just hooking up this microwave.
Smith: Are you popping popcorn?!
Hood: You fucking bet ya!
Smith: …Can I have some?
Hood: Fuck no!
~The crowd gets to their feet as “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica erupts and the crowd boos when images of the Head of Security flash before them on the screen. The massive man Knux walks out from behind the curtain with a goal on his mind. He does no theatrics and doesn’t pay attention to the crowd as he speed walks down the ramp, eyeing the ring.~
Belvedere: The following contest is scheduled for one-fall and is a non-title match. First, making his way to the ring, weighing in this evening at 350lbs… he is the OCW Head of Security… KNUX!!!
~More boos follow the announcement of Knux’s arrival as he ascends the steel steps and climbs over the top rope. He walks straight to a corner and faces the ramp, crossing his arms, awaiting his opponent.~
Smith: I’ve never seen a more serious man in my life.
Hood: No gimmick, no flashy entrance, this man is here to just HURT!
Smith: Indeed.
~The music quickly cuts to “Who Taught You How to Hate” by Disturbed as the crowd gets to their feet and cheer for their champion. OCW Champion the Incredible One comes out, hands locked with his fiancé, Leslie.~
Hood: Thank god that bitch isn’t coming out.
Smith: That’s a sixteen year old girl you’re talking about!
Hood: Still, we don’t need another #HotMic incident.
Smith: I think it’s smart of TIO to not let Jenna come out, he’s protecting his daughter.
~The normal thankful champion, who would slap hands with his fans and show his appreciation, is laser focused as he stares down the ramp, eyeing Knux. TIO unbuckles the OCW Championship from around his waist and raises it in the air at the top of the ramp, to a flood of cheers. A loud “TIO” chant begins, as the couple makes their way down the ramp. Leslie slaps the hands of fans for her fiancé as he continues to burn a hole into his former bodyguard. TIO softly pecks a kiss on Leslie’s cheek as she leaves his side and he slides into the ring.~
Belvedere: And Knux’s opponent, from Halifax, NS, Canada, weighing in this evening at 235lbs, he is the current reigning OCW Champion… THE INCREDIBLE ONE!!!
~A thunderous applause for the champion shakes the OCW Arena as TIO gets in Knux’s comfort zone, with Scruff trying to break the men apart. Knux takes his large hand and pushes TIO by the shoulder, causing him to step away a few feet. TIO slides the title to Leslie and immediately goes for Knux, having had enough. He spears the big man to the ground and begins throwing punches furiously as Scruff calls for the bell. The crowd begins to boo though as the camera’s cut to Marcus Welsh and Matt Meyhu standing at the top of the ramp. TIO stops, getting up and staring up the ramp.~
Marcus Welsh: Hold on TIO and Knux. Before this match officially starts… two things have to be said. First, if you’re going to have your fiancé out here TIO to represent you, we might as well even the odds to represent Knux. And finally, because I feel like the bad blood between you two is going to boil over at any moment… I think this match needs to be a No Disqualification match.
~TIO inaudibly can be seen yelling at Welsh, not agreeing with the decision. Leslie begins shouting at TIO to turn around, and when he does is met with a steel chair right to the face. TIO bounces off the ropes and back to Knux, who hammers him again in the skull with the chair, it denting in the process. Welsh and Meyhu arrive at ringside, opposite Leslie, who glares over at them but quickly refocuses back on TIO, who is on the ground, holding his head.~
Smith: This is completely unfair!
Hood: Welsh just made this match interesting – a genius idea!
Smith: It’s basically going to be a two-on-one handicap match if Meyhu gets involved.
Hood: Three-on-one if Welsh gets hungry too!
~Meyhu and Welsh applaud Knux on the outside as he towers over the champion who is slowly getting up from the mat. Knux prepares to hit TIO again, like a baseball player at home base, and as soon as TIO is standing, Knux swings and smashes TIO right in the nose. TIO crumbles into the turnbuckle, holding his nose, as blood instantly begins to come out his nostrils. Knux goes for the clothesline but the adrenaline from the blood fuels TIO as he ducks and begins kicking Knux in the gut. The crowd cheers as TIO continues to kick his boots into Knux’s stomach. TIO stops, to straighten Knux’s body, and quickly snaps off a chop over his chest. TIO chops him again before attempting to whip him to the opposite turnbuckle but the big man counters with a massive whip from the momentum, that sends TIO over the turnbuckle and onto the floor.~
Hood: And this is where it gets good.
Smith: TIO tried there to take control but I feel this stipulation is completely against him.
Hood: Of course it is, their softening TIO up so the real champ prevails next week.
Smith: And you don’t have a problem with that?
Hood: Nah, I don’t enjoy pussies as champion.
~Knux slowly steps over the top rope and heads down the steel steps as TIO is helping himself up via the barricade. Like a freight train, Knux runs at full speed and big boots the champ over the barricade and into the arena! The crowd boos as TIO is on the concrete, stirred, while Knux shows the slightest of smirks from the damage he is causing. The camera pans to Meyhu and Welsh, who are cheering the head of security on. Leslie looks concerned as she hops the barricade and checks on TIO. Knux shoves Leslie out of the way as he grabs TIO by his hair and drags him from the floor crowd to the lower bowl. Knux stands TIO up and places his boot under his chin and digs it into his throat against the steel railing on the lower bowl. Scruff asks TIO is he wants to quit but TIO just grunts, trying to free the boot away. TIO stiff punches Knux in the calf a few times before Knux finally stops. TIO catches for breath, coughing relentlessly. Knux picks up a plastic trash bin and throws it at TIO’s head, as it bounces right off his forehead, and TIO falls to the ground. Knux picks it back up and proceeds to empty the contents of the bin onto TIO! The crowd boos heavily as TIO is blanketed with popcorn, half eaten hot dogs, beer, and soda.~
Smith: Absolutely disgusting and too far.
Hood: C’mon, yeah the trash is gross, but it’s where TIO belongs.
Smith: No! It’s a complete and utter disrespect to our OCW Champion!
Hood: Jeez, Ok, calm down would ya? Don’t need to get your panties in a knot.
~Having seen enough, Leslie, who is finally recovering from Knux’s shove, goes back to ringside and looks under the ring. She finds a steel chair and bolts it towards Knux. Welsh and Meyhu notice this, as they begin to scream to Knux and head in their direction. Leslie is almost to Knux when he hears the shouts of Meyhu and Welsh. He turns around to see Leslie, chair in hand, as she stops dead in her tracks. Knux cracks his neck and slowly starts to Leslie, frozen scared and not able to move. She drops the chair and pleads to Knux to not hurt her and stop hurting TIO. Knux gets ready to hit her but TIO recovers and low blows Knux! Knux leans against the railing, holding himself, as TIO gets up. He yells at Leslie to go as he kicks Knux in the gut and hits a reverse DDT, Knux’s head hitting the steel chair!~
Hood: Goddamn cheater!
Smith: There are no rules in a No-DQ match and TIO has everything stacked against him.
Hood: Yeah but you don’t see Knux hitting TIO in his dick!
Smith: No, just smashing his head with chairs until he’s brain dead.
Hood: ‘Tis but a flesh wound!
~Welsh and Meyhu have made their way to the scene as Knux is holding his head, sitting up and TIO is making sure Leslie is okay. Furious, Welsh whispers into Scruff’s ear, who doesn’t like what Welsh says at first. Welsh yells at Scruff to do it as he reluctantly goes over and orders Leslie to leave the ringside area. The crowd boos and starts chanting “asshole” towards Welsh. Even more furious, TIO picks up the steel chair and heads towards Welsh but Meyhu steps in between them as the two men face off. The crowd begins to chant for the encounter but TIO turns his attention back to Knux. TIO takes the chair and smashes Knux in the back, who winces a bit. Knux makes his way to his feet but is met with a fury of punches from TIO to the head. Knux shakes it off but starts to walk away from TIO, towards the ring barricade again. TIO runs and clothesline Knux over the barricade and back into the ringside area. TIO throws Knux back into the ring and sends Leslie off with a kiss.~
Hood: Gross, keep the PDA to the bedroom!
Smith: You wish you were half the gentlemen TIO has become.
Hood: Fuck chivalry, it’s all about pimpin’!
~TIO slides into the ring as Knux is slowly starting to get up but TIO brings him back down with a bulldog and keeps his arm locked around his head. He squeezes it hard, trying to keep Knux down but the big guy forces himself up and lifts TIO up but TIO flips backwards, landing on his feet behind Knux and snaps him with a inverted headlock backbreaker. Knux goes on his tip toes, his back arched from the pain, but does not fall to the ground. TIO jukes himself behind Knux and attempts a German suplex but is unable to lift the big man. Knux elbows TIO hard in the nose, and TIO cries out and goes into the turnbuckle. TIO’s nose begins to bleed again, having stopped earlier. Scruff checks to make sure TIO’s nose isn’t broken but rushes out of the way as Knux does a corner splash onto TIO. TIO holds his stomach as Knux goes for another but TIO drop toe hold’s Knux into the turnbuckle, his head hitting the middle turnbuckle. Knux finally falls to his back as TIO wastes no time and grabs Knux’s legs and turns him over, looking in a sharpshooter!~
Smith: TIO finally takes control now that the match is back in the ring!
Hood: This is bullshit. C’mon Knux kick his ass!
~The crowd gets to their feet as TIO keeps the legs of Knux locked hard as Knux is having a hard time with the hold. He puts his hand out, like he’s going to tap but Matt Meyhu from ringside climbs onto the canvas and begins to taunt TIO. TIO breaks the hold from the center of the ring and two start bickering at each other. Meyhu points to his chin, inviting TIO to take the first punch. Frustrated, TIO goes for the punch but enough time has passed that Knux is up and wraps his arms around TIO’s arms and neck and delivers a massive full nelson slam.~
Hood: Ha-ha, TIO got Jebaited.
Smith: What is Jebaited?
Hood: It’s cool internet slang meaning Meyhu tricked TIO.
Smith: Really? I’ll do some research I like to be up to date on this type of talk.
Hood: Wait, no, only cool people can talk—
Smith: Too late! I can’t wait for TIO to Jebait Meyhu… Kappa.
Hood: Ugh… FeelsBadMan.
~Knux kneels down and goes for the pin on TIO.~
1…
2…
~TIO kicks out before the three count. Welsh looks visibly upset on the outside as he begins to bark orders to Knux and Meyhu. Meyhu goes and starts looking under the ring and pulls out a table, to the displeasure of the Key West audience. Knux picks up the OCW Champion and smacks him hard in the chest, the smack echoing throughout the arena. TIO crumbles to a turnbuckle, trying to catch his breath as Meyhu slides the table into the ring. Knux grabs the table and sets it up in the ring, and goes over to TIO, who is still breathing heavily. Knux grabs TIO by his hair but TIO punches Knux square in the jaw. TIO throws a couple more punches before Knux lets go. TIO chest chops Knux in the chest, multiple times, over and over, as the crowd begins to count along. Knux’s chest is bleeding from the chops as TIO stops, shaking his hand. TIO then shoulder tackles one of Knux’s legs, sending him to one knee. TIO gets up and shoulder tackles the other knee, and Knux is now down on both of them. TIO then puts his arm around Knux’s neck and torques back, and puts his legs around Knux’s large body, locking him into a Dragon Sleeper! Knux reaches out for a rope and grabs it but Scruff advises it’s No-DQ and can’t break the hold.~
Smith: It looks like Welsh’s plan has back fired because TIO can just keep that locked in as long as he wants.
Hood: Listen, Knux is huge, he’ll find a way out.
Smith: Either way, most of TIO’s power attacks aren’t working so he’s thinking outside the box to take out the big man.
~Knux begins to fade as Scruff grabs one of Knux’s arms and goes to see if he has passed out but Knux immediately rolls onto his stomach, so TIO is on his back. He gets onto his knees one at a time and is now standing, with TIO still having the dragon sleeper locked in. Knux runs backwards and rams TIO into a turnbuckle, the impact making TIO release the hold. Knux grabs his neck as TIO climbs to the top of the turnbuckle, as the crowd hypes the move coming up. TIO checks his balance but Meyhu quickly hits the ropes so TIO falls hard onto the turnbuckle and falling to the ground. The crowd boos heavily as Meyhu nods, smiling, and bowing to them. Welsh applauds Meyhu as Knux grabs TIO and mocks him by picking him up and doing one of his signature moves; the ten second delay brainbuster. Knux holds TIO for longer though, showcasing his strength, walking around the ring with him vertical. After more than twenty seconds, Knux finally sends TIO crashing onto the ring. Knux goes another pinfall.~
1…
2…
3—no!
Smith: That was close, TIO is resilient!
Hood: More being stupid, if I was him, I’d let Knux just pin him.
Smith: And why would TIO do that?
Hood: The longer TIO keeps this up, the less healthy he’ll be for the Iron Man match.
Smith: That… is surprisingly smart thinking.
Hood: I know, TIO continuing would be a worst case Ontario.
Smith: And there’s the Hood I know!
~TIO kicks out at the last possible second as Knux gets up and gets into Scruff’s face, who cowers into a corner. Knux begins screaming at the bearded ref, ordering him to count faster. Knux points to the table, causing the crowd to boo. An “asshole” chant begins, as Knux takes TIO and puts his head between his legs. He has a hold of his tights, and nods with a smirk, before bringing him up to a sitting position at Knux’s shoulders.~
~The powerbomb by Knux is stopped as Taylor Swift’s “Ready For It” begins to play in the arena. The loud bass beat confuses Knux as TIO begins to punch Knux furiously and Knux finally lets go, allowing TIO drop to his feet and catch his breath. Welsh in a fit a rage goes over to Hood and Smith, and grabs Smith’s headset, going to speak to production about this. The music continues to play as Meyhu grabs the OCW Championship from the bell area and goes into the ring and clocks TIO in the head. TIO falls to the ground but the crowd begins to cheer as a figure rushes through the arena and quickly slides into the ring. Meyhu turns around with the title in his hand and is shocked to see it’s TIO’s daughter Jenna in wrestling gear! The crowd goes nuts as the camera examines Jenna’s gear; a sports bra and black wresting tights with pink lettering that reads “Jenna Incredible” on one leg and “#HotMic” on the other leg. ~
Smith (from Hood’s headset): What is Jenna doing out here?!
Hood: Hey! Gimme that! This girl is looking to be in tomorrow’s obituaries that’s what!
~Meyhu laughs as he takes the title and goes to clock the teenager in the head but Jenna rushes under, bounces of the rope and flies through the air and hits a cross body on Meyhu! Meyhu hits the ground and immediately rolls out of the ring. Jenna hypes up the crowd, causing them to go nuts. Jenna stops cold though as Knux is standing opposite her, smirking. Jenna looks around, not sure what to do but TIO charges between them and spears Knux down. He twirls Knux around and using incredible strength lifts Knux up and delivers a release german suplex! TIO catches his breath, maybe not even realising his daughter in the ring. Knux is on his back as Jenna sees the opportunity. She goes through the ropes, springboards off the top and hits a leg drop onto Knux’s throat. Knux holds his neck, coughing frantically as Jenna goes to Knux’s legs, hoists both of them, and delivers a standing double foot stomp between Knux’s legs! The crowd pops as Knux now holds onto himself, wincing in pain but clearly frustrated. The anger allows Knux to get up quicker than usual and goes to smash Jenna but TIO again gets in the way and hits a spinning spine buster through the table that was set up earlier! TIO wastes no time as he picks up Knux and hits a sloppy ‘This Damn Incredible’ argentine piledriver and goes for the pin.~
1…
2…
3!!
Smith: TIO did it!
Hood: Someone arrest this girl, she just assaulted two men!
Smith: She’s sixteen Hood, and she came out to even the odds!
Hood: Need to send her to juvie and get a good spanking then!
Belvedere: Here is your winner of the match… THE INCREDIBLE ONE!
~TIO gets up, as Scruff holds his hand up while TIO’s music plays. TIO finally realizes his daughter is in the ring with him, in wrestling gear. He looks at her, at first mad but surveys the area as Knux is through a table and remembers where he was before the music hit. He stops for a moment, to check his emotions, before finally smiling and giving his daughter a hug. Jenna stops the hug though as a furious Welsh begins to approach the ring. He climbs onto the canvas and goes to enter the ring but Jenna skips over before smashing Welsh in the head with her foot as he crumbles to the outside. TIO laughs as he brings Jenna over and raises her hand, to a tremendous applause from the audience.~
Smith: What a feel good moment to end the show.
Hood: If I wanted a family friendly ending, I’d go to the Family channel. I’m going to be sick.
Smith: Well folks thank you so much for tuning into—
~Before Smith can finish the broadcast, Matt Meyhu sneaks his way back into the ring. He goes to attack Jenna but TIO sees this last second and pushes Jenna out of the way. Meyhu stops and clocks TIO in the head but TIO fights back, hitting him multiple times in face before kicking him hard in the gut. TIO goes to check on Jenna but notices Meyhu trying to leave the ring. TIO grabs Meyhu and hits him with a german suplex, not letting go. He hits a second and third one, releasing him on the last. TIO grabs Meyhu and lays him out with the “This Damn Incredible” piledriver. The crowd goes nuts as Jenna comes to her father’s side, handing him the OCW Championship. He nods, winking at her before standing above Meyhu, holding the OCW Championship high in the air as Massacre goes off the air.~