LIVE! Monday, March 13th 2017
From The OCW Arena in Key West, Florida
Smith: Hello again everyone and welcome to Monday Night Massacre!!
Hood: I think we can all agree that Chaotic sign is by far the worst. But special credit goes out to that moronic Dare lover. Way to go, buddy!
Smith: Leave our fans alone…at least he’s dedicated.
Hood: Shit, that’s a HE?
Smith: I believe so
Hood: Fuck, that’s even worse. Oh and how about Mack’s new toupee?
Smith: There was nothing confirming he got one…just a sign suggesting it…this is how rumors get started, Hood.
Hood: Alright, fine…but if he shows up to Like There’s No Tomorrow with a thick, luscious head of hair…you owe man an apology.
Smith: Nothing about that Alice Knight sign? You seem to have a bag full of put downs when it comes to our OCW Champion.
Hood: Nah, I'm done putting down Alice Knight. She's our champ, after all.
Smith: Well that's nice
Hood: But I will say that this is the best wrestling lineup since...since...when did Alice join again?
Smith: That is RUDE and uncalled for. I wish she had a match tonight and miss her witty humor. I can’t wait for next week when she HEADLINES the biggest show of 2017.
Hood: Are you trying to ruin my good mood?
Smith: Sadly I have a feeling we may not see her tonight.
Hood: Car ran out of gas? Hitched a ride with the wrong trucker?
Smith: NO…or, well, at least I hope not. If I had to guess I'd say she’s merely busy getting focused on her match with MJ Bell. I hate to say this…but I’ve heard she doubts whether or not she can defeat the #1 contender.
Hood: Well she’s got CJ watching her back…he’ll ensure she keeps the title…as much as I hate to say it.
Smith: Yea, but at what cost?
Hood: I don't know...the last meeting was a picnic...where do you go from there? A stroll through a public park? Ice skating at one of those gay ass rinks? Oh, I got it...maybe a trip to the zoo!
Smith: Perhaps that's why she hasn't shown up yet tonight. Maybe she's meeting CJ.
Hood: Could be...she's showing up all fashionably late like women usually do. Still can't believe she's our damn champion. Hey...you know what, I think CJ is just loosening her up so he can blindside her after she beats MJ and take the title for his own!
Smith: I wouldn’t put anything past those Aptitude fellas. They are terrible!
Hood: Fellas, eh?
Smith: Yea, sorry. Folks, before we get started...let's head backstage for an update on our ring announcer...Belvedere.
~We cut backstage where Belvedere is receiving treatment on an afflicted throat. He can barely talk. EE is leaning against the edge of the entry way. His arms are folded with Barry Man is Low standing behind him, watching his back, literally. A tall, muscular framed human is hunched over a sink, washing his hands. Belvedere is seated at the edge of the bed, rubbing his throat~
Belvedere: I think it’s just strep. I should be fine by Like There’s No Tomorrow.
Eastern European: This cat-trophy! Who call matches now? We need new ring announcement! Knife man, what do you have to be saying about this?
~The menacing figure continues to stand, hunched over the sink. He’s now fumbling around with some pills. He’s dressed all in black. But his face remains hidden. He’s got some wild hair~
The Knife Man: The good man definitely has a case of strep. His symptoms match up, bless his heart. I’m putting together some medication to remedy the pain. But I’m just so sorry to have to say that he should not be ring announcing tonight.
Belvedere: *cough* Are you *hawk* sure?
The Knife Man: Bless your heart. Yes, I’m very sure. Management is going to have to find someone else and I’m really sorry about that as well. I hate to see everyone go through so much trouble.
~EE looks up at Barry Man is Low~
Eastern European: Fine. I do it.
~Belvedere’s eyes widen~
Belvedere: What about *cough* Predator?
Eastern European: Who is this…Predator?
The Knife Man: I recall the fellow. Very affectionate. Handled the ring announcing several years ago. He hangs around the building. In fact, I saw him this very morning, early early, around 3am. He was throwing a bag of lime around in his white van.
Eastern European: I go find this Predator. He must do job. Knife man, you take good care of the Deer Bell.
~Eastern European exits. The Knife Man and Belvedere are left alone~
The Knife Man: While we’re here, I’d like to ask if you wouldn’t mind helping me volunteer down at the hospital sometime next week. They could really use the help. I just love doing charity work, fills my heart with so much joy.
~Belvedere shrugs, just wanting some medication~
The Knife Man: It’s been great, working here. It keeps my mind off of things. When I’m alone, I find my mind drifting onto all the troubles plaguing our planet. There’s so much help I could provide but, sadly, I don’t have the resources. Working here as a handy man SLASH medic has really taken a load off.
Belvedere: That’s great, Knife Man. Why do they call you that, by the way?
The Knife Man: I’m just really handy with a knife. I use it for all sorts of things…mechanical repair, sculpting, SLICING…you know, pretty much just about anything that needs work done. You’d be surprised how handy a knife can be.
Belvedere: And, I guess portioning out medicine, *cough* huh? *cough, cough*
The Knife Man: Yep, you betcha! Alright, I think I’ve got all these pills rationed, just let me pop the top on and we’ll be finished.
~Belvedere kicks his feet around. He’s eager to receive the medicine. The ‘pop’ sound belonging to a lid being fastened perks him up even further. The Knife Man then turns around~
~Belvedere leaps off the bed and sprints out of the room. The Knife Man is left behind. His head lowers~
The Knife Man: I hate it when that happens.
~The poor Knife Man appears very sad as we cut back to the announce table~
Smith: Okay, who approved the hiring of THAT guy?
Hood: What are you talking about? Did you listen to him, he’s totally philanthropic! I think he’s just misunderstood
Smith: Yea, I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a room with him, that’s for sure. I have to assume our esteemed on site GM is behind this.
Hood: Whoa man, what’s with the mask hate? Masked people have feelings, man. Just ask Chaotic or Deus…you should really be more considerate.
Smith: That’s different and you know it. This man is walking around, dressed like that, carrying a giant knife backstage.
Hood: He’s our handy man, duh. Plus an on site medic. He needs his tools, man. Do you freak out when a plumber is walking around with a wrench?
Smith: Totally different…wait a minute someone is coming down the aisle.
Hood: It’s Predator! Ahhh!!!
~Hood tries to hide under the announce table as a very confident Predator struts to the ring. He’s got shoulder length, light brown hair. The front portion dies off midway along the top of his head, giving him a weird looking vibe. He’s got those really creepy prescription glasses that become shades in the sunlight. He’s wearing old jeans that are somehow both baggy and tight. An old, white, v-neck t-shirt is tucked into them. And, his shoes are abnormally white sneakers…like really, really white. His gut hangs over his beltless pants pretty fiercly. But his arms and shoulders are scrawny. He enters into the ring and receives a mic. Hood slowly emerges from under the desk, feeling a little safer~
Smith: Wonderful…I keep thinking that maybe we’ll hire more NORMAL staff yet…they just get weirder.
Hood: Well, you remember Predator.
Smith: How could I forget? He has a really hard time keeping his hands to himself
Hood: Maybe he’s matured. He didn’t molest anyone on the way to the ring
Smith: I doubt it. Look at the guy…could he at least get a haircut or MAYBE a new shirt?
Hood: Hard times, you heard what The Knife Man said…dude is living out of a white van.
Smith: I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let's head backstage while Predator gets, umm, acquainted inside the ring
~The cameras catch a limousine pulling up in the arena staging area. The vehicle stops, and after a few moments the driver comes over and opens the door. Dr. Jon Orange steps out, followed closely by Max Shade. Dr. Orange is talking on his smartphone~
DR. ORANGE: Okay, I’ve arrived at the arena. Where am I looking for your men?
~Dr. Orange nods a few times and looks to his right. Two large men in suits are standing in front of a black SUV. One of them nods towards Dr. Orange. Dr. Orange waves to them.
DR. ORANGE: Okay, I see them. Thank you for the quick response. So very professional. I’ll recommend you to all my friends. Goodbye~
~Max sniffs loudly and looks the large suited fellows over, before shrugging and walking towards the entrance. Dr. Orange looks like he’s about to stop his client, but then just waves him off~
DR. ORANGE: That’s right big guy, you got nothing to fear. Nothing at all. Go on ahead and get ready for your big match. I got security here just in case Nathan Dumbass gets froggy.
~Dr. Orange then turns to the camera~
DR. ORANGE: For the benefit of those that don’t watch the promotional packets, I thought I’d let you all know that your hero, Nathan Dravers, threatened to orchestrate physical assault on me. I mean, this wasn’t the ONLY crime he committed - slander comes to mind - but you know what? I’m not a spring chicken any more. Didn’t get into this business to be knocked around by adrenaline junkies with attitude problems. Oh, and you know what else?
~Dr. Orange holds up a jar filled with yellow liquid~
DR. ORANGE: He mailed me a jar of piss. A JAR OF PISS. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I mean, fine, so you aren’t on cocaine, but what the hell ARE you on that you think the adult response to a promotional packet is to mail me your urine? Disgusting.
~Dr. Orange sighs, shakes his head, and throws the sealed jar of urine into a trash can~
DR. ORANGE: Nathan, you’re garbage. Pure garbage. It’s going to be so gratifying to watch Max Shade destroy you tonight. C’mon guys, eyes peeled. You see a scruffy Irish wanker with pink hair, you keep him twenty feet away from me, understood?
~The security guys nod and grunt as they form rank around Dr. Orange. As they enter the arena. We cut back to ringside~
Smith: Interesting item Dr. Orange received there
Hood: I HOPE it’s from Nathan Dravers
Smith: And why is that?
Hood: Well, if it isn't that means it was probably from Lex Luthor.
Smith: Ooohhh, great scene!
Hood: Yea, not really. A pretty fucking stupid scene if you ask me…but it wedged its way into my brain, so I guess it was somewhat effective.
Smith: Regardless…Dr. Orange looks like he’s prepared for an attack from the Dravers
Hood: As well he should be…I heard Nathan assaulted a group of men earlier in the week who were trying to help a woman cross the street.
Smith: That is so inaccurate that I don’t even have the time to set it straight. All I’ll say is Nathan is no rapscallion…he’s a man of honor and integrity. If he lays a finger on Dr. Orange, then I’m sure he was provoked.
Hood: Beating up the elderly is far from a chivalrous act, idiot. He needs to worry about Max Shade
Smith: Well I’m not going to completely disagree there. But that match is later and it looks to be a great one…until then, it’s time to get things kicked off with one of our three debuting stars, Madalyn Macie!
Hood: Holy shit, is that GRUFF?
Smith: Ah, so it is!
Hood: Yea, I heard he’s pretty pissed that he hasn’t been used in awhile and is in a very bad mood these days.
Smith: Well let’s hope not…down to ringside we go!
Madalyn Macie (0-0) vs. Detective Jack Puffer (0-2)
~Puffer is in the ring looking for something. We’ll never know what it is because he will never find it~
Predator: Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s great to be back!
~The fans don’t really care~
Predator: What did the muffin say to the other muffin? Hey, look, a talking muffin!!
~The crowd groans~
Smith: That is an awful joke
Hood: Yea, I think he got most of it wrong…but even in its correct form it’s still not that funny.
~Predator tugs on his collar a bit, feeling some pressure. He then comes up with another zinger that is sure to fire this crowd up~
Predator: Uhh…how about those millennials huh??
~BOOOO!! The crowd says. Predator rolls his eyes, gives up and goes back to what he does second best, announcing~
Predator: Introducing first, from Aurora, Illinois…standing 6’2 and weighing in at 215lbs…he is the world’s most succulent detective…Jack Puffer!!!
~Puffer kind of cringes and gets away from Predator. "Somebody to Love" By Betty Moon begins to rumble throughout the building. Smoke fills the stage area and pink hue takes over. Emerging through the smoke is Madalyn "Mookie" Macie. She points one finger in the air and obnoxiously sticks her tongue out of the side of her mouth. Ignoring the fans, she prances to the ring and enters. She leans on the ropes looks directly into the camera and winks~
Predator: And his opponent, from Palo Alto, California…standing 5’4 and weighing in at 120lbs…Madalyn Macie!
~The bell rings. Predator extends his hand looking to apologize to Puffer. Puffer accepts and they shake. Predator uses his off hand to caress Puffer’s cheek. Puffer jumps back. Predator exits the ring looking satisfied. Macie rushes over and begins to punch Puffer with lefts and rights~
Smith: This place had so much potential…but now we’ve got Predator, The Knife Man…that other guy, I forget his name.
Hood: Barry Man is Low
Smith: YEA, him too
Hood: It’s fucking awesome…no place is like this place!
Smith: I won’t argue that
~Mace drills Puffer in the face with a jumping Knee Smash!! He falls into the corner. She hops onto the middle rope and grabs his head. She then plants him with a Jumping Spike DDT!! Puffer is already out as Macie gets to her feet. She stomps on his head a bit, for show rather than effect~
Smith: That’s kind of rude
Hood: Well, she is a bitch
Smith: So you know her?
Hood: Not really, that’s just my first assumption when I see a woman
Smith: Awful
~Macie yanks Puffer to his feet and drills him with an elbow smash!! Puffer turns around, giving his back to Macie. She grabs his arms, locks hers in and tosses him over with a Dragon Suplex!! Puffer is folded up as the fans seems malcontent. They like the good detective~
Smith: Puffer needs to find some grit, some fortitude if he’s going to have a chance in this one
Hood: Well you can forget it, then. That guy ain’t finding shit
Smith: This crowd doesn’t seem to be heavy into Macie…
Hood: It’s because of her last name. She’s a poser. She should have gone with Nordstrom or Neiman Marcus.
~Macie rolls Puffer onto his back. She grabs his legs and gets him into a wheel barrow position. She works some momentum and tosses him up, she then grabs his head as he’s flipped over, falling on the way down and drops him with Clearwater Revival (Youngblood)!!! She covers Puffer as Gruff, who has been complaining silently through his eyes the entire time, makes the count~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Predator: Here is your winner…MADALYN MACIE!!!!!
Smith: Clear, decisive win for Madalyn Macie.
Hood: Not much I can tell from that match. But she won so I guess that’s better than a loss
Smith: It certainly is…anyway, let’s head backstage!
~As OCW Monday night Massacre returns from commercial, we are taken backstage. We see Treat Cassidy and MJ Bell in the backstage suite. They both sit on a leather sofa. The suite is outfitted for Cassidy Global Sports LLC. Much like every Monday before, the suite is absolutely amazing. For someone hated by OCW management, it is truly amazing how nice of set up they give Mr. Cassidy. As cameras slowly move to a close up, Cassidy and MJ are seen in deep discussion, but it isn’t sure what is being said. But it appears as though MJ is annoyed and Cassidy seems desperately trying to cool her off. Before we get any further in their conversation, the door flies open. Cassidy and MJ quickly jump from the sofa ready for a fight~
“MOTHER FUCKERS!”
~Chad Vargas steps through the door. Cassidy and MJ ease up a little that they recognize it’s an ally of theres.~
Cassidy: Chad… How’s it going buddy?
~Chad shakes his head in disgust. MJ eyes him with some sympathy~
Vargas: How’s it going??!! These fuckin’ guys run around here like they OWN this place??!!?? I don’t get it. This fuckin’ clownshoe CJ Donovan thinks he needs to have his face on every single portion of OCW wrestling! And can you guys answer me one thing??? Why is a guy who got friend zoned by a chick who wants NOTHING to do with him going out of his way to stick his nose into business that doesn’t involve him???
MJ Bell: Because… desperation is a funny thing, and I don't believe for one second that he wasn't asked to do that.
~She grumbles with arms folding over her chest.~
Cassidy: What he did last week was unwarranted, unnecessary, and flat out disrespectful. I have filed proper motions to have him barred from ringside during ‘Like There’s No Tomorrow’ main event.
MJ Bell: … ha. Doubt that'll hold him back from saving her butt… At least I own up to my actions…
Vargas: Yeah, Treat - you’d better keep that sorry pathetic wannabe ladies man the FUCK out of my way at this shindig too.
Cassidy: Yes sir. Him and Meyhu will also need to be barred from ringside. We have a potential to walk out of there with three championships. MJ will be back atop the mountain, and Mack will retain his championship from that blow hard known as CJ O’Donnell and you, Chad - will right the wrongs of the past by finally shutting Incredible One up for good!
~MJ offers Treat a little grin, approving of his words.~
Cassidy: Once ‘Like There’s No Tomorrow’ is in the books, I will work diligently on getting a match set up for the Tag Team championships. Meyhu and O’Donnell versus Vargas and MJ Bell! If Marcus Welsh will set it up and the Aptitude will except!
~Cassidy smiles as Vargas and Bell look at one another both nodding and smiling at their chance to grab hold of Aptitude one more time.~
Smith: I agree! Keep Aptitude away from the matches! OCW used to be about clean wrestling action!
Hood: Since when?
Smith: Since… well… you have a point…
Hood: I used to love Chad Vargas! He’s getting soft with age.
Smith: Tell him that…
Hood: Nah, I think he probably knows it. No need in going overboard, ya know?
Smith: Riiight…so they are going to ban CJ from interfering in the OCW Title Match
Hood: I’m torn here…because on one hand I’d love to see CJ piss them all off by crippling their plan. However, that would probably mean Alice Knight retains so…shit, I don’t know. I might just take the night off before the main event…go and watch a documentary on aged wood.
Smith: Remind me to refrain from asking you anything about that match…you are going to drive away a ton of viewers with those anachronistic views.
Hood: How did you know I hate spiders?
Smith: Folks, let’s head down to ringside for our next match as Chaotic is set to debut!
Hood: Wait…is that Puff? And…wait…is this DÉJÀ VU?
Smith: It is indeed Puff…OCW’s wrestling savant.
Hood: Or so he thinks…fat ass is some kind of internet wrestling critique. Can’t stand him
Smith: Starting to sound like someone I know…orange…
Hood: I am NOTHING like MJ Bell
Smith: Right…down to ringside!
Chaotic (0-0) vs. Tatum Coe (0-2)
~Tatum Coe is already in the ring. He’s out there alone as Annie seems to be more interested in hanging with Scott Syren~
Predator: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Miami Beach, Florida…standing 6’2 and weighing in at 215lbs…Tatum Coe!!!
~”Respect” by CFO$ hits. The fans give a nice ovation for the exciting debut of Chaotic. He rushes out from behind the curtain and hustles to the ring. The fans enjoy his enthusiasm. He slides in under the bottom rope and heads toward a corner. He hops on the middle buckle and motions out to the crowd as they have no trouble getting behind the masked competitor~
Predator: And his opponent, from Chicago, Illinois…standing 5’7 and weighing in at 198lbs…Chaotic!!!
~The bell rings. Chaotic starts to get down. Predator reaches up and grabs his hips to help him down like a gentleman would a lady. Chaotic turns and kicks Predator’s hands away. He hops to the mat and creates some distance. Predator smiles, shrugs and exits the ring. Chaotic shakes his head like ‘WTF’ as Puff steps in and yells “GET IT ON!”~
Smith: Ah, the return of Puff
Hood: When did he start yelling that?
Smith: I think he’s trying to improve his work rate or something…maybe add more credibility to his profession.
Hood: Ref’s have work rate? That’s bullshit. Scruff’s been a ref for nearly twenty years and that guy just stands around and stares at lights or food in the crowd.
Smith: Well, ya know, good refs
~Coe and Chaotic lock up. Puff approves. Coe backs Chaotic into a corner, using his clear size advantage. Chaotic walks the buckles, reaching the top. He’s horizontal, almost, parallel to the ring. Coe is struggling, trying to figure out what to do. Chaotic then leaps over the top rope, to the outside!! In the process he rakes Coe’s throat over the top rope, cutting off his air supply! Coe’s head shoots back and he falls to the mat, coughing. The crowd cheers the innovative move as Chaotic lands on his feet and throws an arm into the air, signaling to the fans~
Smith: Now that’s innovation, unlike the ‘new’ moves we see during another person’s matches.
Hood: What are you talking about? Chaotic clearly fell out of the ring, he just got lucky that Coe is a dumbass these days.
Smith: That was clearly by design!
Hood: He’s got a mask on, Smith! He can’t see anything…he’s lucky he even made it out to the ring without falling into the crowd.
Smith: The mask has eye holes you moron
~Chaotic hops onto the apron and hops onto the top rope. Coe is on his feet…Chaotic springs off with a cross body!! He connects!! He lands on top of Coe and rolls off, springing back to his feet. Coe is slower to his and finds himself turned around. Chaotic walks up behind Coe, lifts him up and delivers an Atomic Drop!!! Coe’s knees buckle as he slowly turns around wincing in pain. Chaotic smacks him in the face with a spinning heel kick!! Coe falls to the mat and isn’t moving. Chaotic points to the nearest corner~
Smith: Wow! This one could be over!
Hood: Holy shit that was quick
Smith: Tatum Coe needs to do some reevaluating…this might be rock bottom.
Hood: Nah, he hasn’t lost to Shootah yet
~Chaotic climbs the corner with ease and displays perfect balance. He leaps off and connects with a Shooting Star Press!!! He remains on top of Coe for the cover. Puff smiles and claps, admiring the move. He then gets into position and counts~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings and the crowd fills the arena with cheers! Chaotic hurries to his feet as Puff shakes his hand and pulls a pen out, looking for an autograph. Chaotic blows him off and hops over the top rope to the floor. He heads backstage, high fiving fans on the way up the ramp~
Predator: Here is your winner...CHAOTIC!!!!!
Smith: Wow! What an impressive debut! This guy Chaotic has a future!
Hood: Well let’s hope so, otherwise he’s going to die the minute he walks backstage
Smith: In the ring, Hood…in the ring!
Hood: Yea, yea, alright…but what about Coe?
Smith: Sadly, I think his better days are far behind him. But let’s focus on the now…Chaotic looked near unbeatable tonight and he’s already signed up for the Oh Shit Match next week!
Hood: Guy could win…but then again so could any of the other participants so who knows…ya know?
Smith: And that’s why you’re the expert…let’s head backstage!
Jonathan: Nathan? Where are you?
~Jonathan suddenly bumps into Dr. Orange and his security in the corridor~
Jonathan: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?
Dr. Orange: A cup of coffee would be nice. Black. Extra hot.
Jonathan: Oh is that right? Listen up Doc, Nathan will beat your big man tonight. He is gonna prove that the Dravers Boys are just as competent in singles action as we are in tag team action
~Dr. Orange chuckles and crosses his arms~
Dr. Orange: You do realize those last two sentences were complete opposites, right? You boys haven’t exactly been displaying what I’d call competence in your last couple matches. Unless of course you really did intend to kick your brother in the face last week? Figured as much. Called it.
Jonathan: Excuse me? You know that’s big talk coming from a guy that has two gorillas walking behind him.
~Dr. Orange smiles and shrugs~
Dr. Orange: You’re not entirely wrong. The real question is, what are you prepared to do about it?
~Jonathan begins to look very unimpressed by Orange and his comments. A plan forms in his head and Jonathan begins to smirk~
Jonathan: Uh…huh. Hey buddy. Catch.
~Jonathan throws the now empty banana skin at one of Dr. Orange’s heavies distracting him and in one swift motion super kicks the other security guard, knocking him out cold. The first security guard has thrown the banana skin on the floor while Jonathan positions himself in front of Dr. Orange. The security guard squares up to punch Jonathan~
Dr. Orange: Hey, hey, back off you pink-haired fruit loop!
~Jonathan dodges just at the last second just as the security guard punches Dr. Orange! The security guard looks on in horror at what he’s done. Jonathan pats him on the back smiling~
Jonathan: Best security money can buy. Bravo.
~Jonathan walks away, smiling, while the security guard tends to the fallen (and yelling) Dr. Orange, as we cut back to the announce table~
Smith: Well, so much for Dr. Orange’s security
Hood: Yea, they might need to step it up a notch. Those guys were worse than Mack Hollywood
Smith: He was jumped by The Aptitude…those guys, well, they just looked inept
Hood: Dr. Orange is gonna need somebody…he’s too precious, too much of a key to success for Max Shade to be placed in danger. I hope our esteemed on site GM does something about this
Smith: The way this place is run…I have no doubt that will be top priority
Hood: One can only hope
Smith: Right, well folks…we’ve got the debut of Deus. This is probably the most mysterious wrestler to enter OCW in quite some time. Earlier today AKB sought out and, from what I understand, found Deus…let’s see what he was able to extract from the masked competitor
~We cut to an earlier feed. A Camera follows AKB backstage amid the hustle of a production crew working to ensure the flow goes smoothly.~
AKB: Hello, Massacre fans. I'm here, backstage, giving you this rare fourth wall exclusive opportunity to get some camera time, not only with yours truly, but with one of the latest additions to the Online Championship Wrestling roster, Deus. Hardly new to the wrestling business itself, Deus has wrought havoc on several notable rosters in the past and apparently looks to do the same here at OCW. It's time we corner this masked menace in the making and perhaps get some answers as to its motivations.
~AKB's mild brisk walk takes him to the back of a black-clad figure who slowly turns to reveal the family metal masked, Deus.~
AKB: Deus! Thanks for being here and allowing me, and the folks at home, a chance to get to know you.
~AKB offers a handshake. The metal mask gleams as the face tilts downward to view the hand dismissively.~
Deus: This is Deus speaking.
AKB: Right! There's the line! That's great, I love it. So tell us, Deus. What does--
~Rather inexplicably, "Deus" shakes its head before removing the mask, much to AKB's surprise, to reveal a long-haired, goateed individual no one would ever have guessed would be Deus.~
...: Agh. Can't breathe in that thing. Sorry.
~AKB frowns watching this unmasking happen right before his eyes.~
AKB: Deus, I--
...: I'm not Deus, dude. I'm Randy. I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be in your shot right now. I'm supposed to be running lights.
~AKB's confusion is likely mirrored by those watching at home.~
AKB: You're not... Deus...?
Randy: Nah. Randy, dude. P.A. for OCW.
AKB: Why were you wearing the Deus mask?
Randy: At the merch table. They're selling them. They got everything dude. Distinguished Tees, Owlhead hats. I just think these masks are cool. Everyone does.
~It's frustrating for AKB in this moment.~
Randy: Sorry. Kinda screwed that up for you.
~Randy looks awkwardly into the camera, realizing the general confusion he's helped sow.~
Randy: I should--I should go...
~Randy gulps and walks off, leaving AKB in the lurch. AKB looks at the camera perturbed, his eyes searching in either direction.~
AKB: So then where's the real Deus then...
~That's a matter for conjecture as we go back to ringside.~
Smith: AKB screws up again
Hood: To be fair, that was kinda tricky
Smith: Indeed…those Deus masks aren’t going to make discovering an identity any easier
Hood: Are they all made of metal?
Smith: I believe so
Hood: And the Owl masks are made of…plastic?
Smith: Yep
Hood: So the Deus masks are more expensive, right?
Smith: Nope, those Owlis masks are ten dollars higher.
Hood: That’s fucking ridiculous!
Smith: Hey, it’s market value…what do you want me to do about it?
Hood: Burn yours
Smith: NEVER! Well folks…that was earlier on…there’s been no sign of Deus all night. Let’s hope Deus decides to show up for its debut…which is next.
Deus (0-0) vs. Shootah (0-3)
~Shootah is already in the ring. Depth is on the outside saying stuff like “Don’t worry, this person is way smaller than your previous opponents. Plus they wear a mask, you know what that means!” Shootah almost seems to be feeling a bit of confidence~
Predator: Ladies and Gentlemen, this match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Hollywood, California…standing 6’3 and weighing in at 180lbs…Shootah!!!
~Shootah makes a ‘gun’ symbol with his hand and goes ‘pew, pew’ laughing with Depth. He’s having a pretty decent time. Predator walks up and pats him three times, softly on the ass. Shootah jumps around and looks at Predator with a ‘WTF’ look on his face. Predator smiles and heads back toward the center of the ring~
Smith: It looks like Shootah has a new taunt or signature pose…or whatever you want to call that.
Hood: If only Predator would evolve
Smith: Then he’d have to change his name
Hood: Nah man, he could just start trying to eat people.
Smith: Cannibalism…if that starts becoming a thing, I’m out. That would be it for me around here.
~"Child of the West" kicks in with heart synth tones that pulse in time to a dimming light show, and strobes pulsing the entrance. Moments of anticipation turn into almost a minute before the lights are on, and in the ring, in the corner stands Deus whose point of entrance remains a mystery. Shootah yells and hugs the corner light a frightened child. Depth slaps himself in the forehead and tries to reassure Shootah~
Predator: And his opponent, standing 5’5 and weighing in at 135lbs…Deus!!!
~The bell rings as Depth tries to unwrap Shootah’s arms from the middle buckle~
Smith: I’ve been eagerly awaiting this debut, Hood
Hood: Just wish I knew who or WHAT the fuck was under that mask
Smith: I’m guessing it’s a human
Hood: I hope so…aliens freak me out.
Smith: So you wouldn’t have been partying on that roof in Independence Day?
Hood: Fuck no, I would have high tailed it outta there…with or without my stupid ass dog. He gets left behind, that’s his fault, not mine.
~Depth starts to give Shootah instructions. He mimes ‘take the mask off’ with his hand, while saying it with his mouth. Shootah doesn’t seem to like the idea. Depth yells, “It’s like BANE!” And Shootah perks up saying, “I did like that movie, yo.” He releases the buckle and turns, facing Deus. Deus hasn’t moved. Its equanimity is ironclad. The figure in the center of the ring might as well be a statue~
Smith: Hmm, this doesn’t look good
Hood: Did somebody hit the pause button on Deus?
Smith: No…I just think Deus is far more disciplined in body control that what we’re used to seeing
Hood: So the anti-Iggy
Smith: Pretty much
~Shootah towers over Deus. He’s got a definite reach advantage. He looks down on Deus. Deus has yet to move. Shootah reaches for the mask. The fans sort of stand with baited breath. They don’t know much about Deus but they do assume the figure won’t take too kindly to a drug addicted porn director placing his filthy hands all over it. His index finger touches the bottom, right portion. Nothing happens.~
Smith: Yeesh…I feel like I’m walking through a haunted house just waiting for someone to jump out and scare me.
Hood: Solution for that, man
Smith: Yea? Not to go to them? Carry a flash light?
Hood: Nah, those are solutions for PUSSIES. Just down a bunch of alcohol before hand…then you won’t give a shit. Otherwise you’re gonna jump, yelp and ruin any chance of getting laid with your date.
~Shootah works his index finger under the mask. He finds some leverage and is about to pull back on it. He tugs, ever so slightly. This awakens Deus, seemingly. Deus responds with a punch into Shootah’s throat!! Shootah gasps and lets go. Deus throws a kick into the side of Shootah’s head!! He staggers back against the ropes and tries to climb out. Deus grabs him by his dirty, untied tennis shoe and drags him back into the ring. Shootah claws at the mat, screaming. Depth rolls his eyes and starts to leave. He heads up the ramp, washing his hands of the match. Deus stomps on the back of Shootah’s head. This quiets the scared, frail man~
Smith: Yikes
Hood: Well it’s nice to see Shootah finally found some composure
Smith: Forced composure
Hood: Hey, whatever works to keep the stress level down. Shootah looks like a man under a tremendous amount of stress…or maybe he’s just going through major withdrawals.
Smith: Latter, most likely
Hood: This is a LADDER match? Since when?
~Deus pulls Shootah to his feet with no wasted motion. Deus drills Shootah in his abs with a mule kick. Shootah staggers. Deus faces Shootah and leaps into the air, rapping its legs around Shootah’s head. Deus delivers a huricanrana!! Shootah flies into a nearby corner with his face and chest slamming into the middle buckle. He remains there, motionless as Deus methodically rises to its feet~
Smith: Efficiently brutal…Shootah has no shot
Hood: Haha…shootah has no shot, good one!
Smith: Ah…oh…well, gee, thanks!
~Deus grabs Shootah by his crazy hair. Deus stands Shootah up and lifts his legs onto the top buckle. Deus shoves Shootah forward where he’s seated on the top buckle, facing the crowd. Deus climbs through the ropes and joins Shootah up there. Deus hooks Shootah for a version of the stunner…then kicks off and flips backwards, toward the ring dropping Shootah in the center with Heaven’s Gate (Avalanche Shiranui)!!! Shootah is laid out. Instead of going for the pin, Deus gets to its feet and grabs hold of Shootah’s legs~
Smith: I think we’re about to see a devastating submission Deus likes to call Eye of the Needle!
Hood: I didn’t know needles had eyes. Think of all the things they’ve seen.
Smith: It’s an expression, Hood. Did you not grow up with grandparents? How have you never heard of any of these expressions?
Hood: Nah man, I hung out with people my own age.
Smith: Even when you were little?
Hood: Fuck yea…when I was five a joined a gang. It was called “Fuck 6”. We hated the six year olds.
~Deus stands over Shootah, facing Shootah’s legs. Shootah’s head is between Deus’ legs. Deus pulls Shootah’s legs up and locks them. Deus then rolls Shootah over and cranks forward. Shootah starts to yell…but the move isn’t finished. Deus wraps its legs around Shootah’s body and falls to the mat, cinching it in. Shootah taps almost instantly as Gruff, who is standing back, watching, casually calls for the bell~
Predator: Here is your winner…DEUS!!!!!
Smith: Impressive win by Deus…that was, indeed Eye of the Needle and Shootah could not pass through it.
Hood: Pass through it? First needles have eyes and now people are somehow supposed to pass THROUGH a needle…what the fuck, man?
Smith: Nevermind…let’s just focus on the impressiveness of Deus’s win
Hood: Impressive for a human. Underwhelming for an alien.
Smith: Deus is not an alien
Hood: And how would you know? Have you seen beyond the mask?
Smith: No
Hood: Then you can’t say for certain, can you?
Smith: I’m sure all will be revealed and, when it is, you will realized Deus is not an alien.
Hood: Hey, illegal alien still counts
Smith: No it does not…I’m talking Martian alien
Hood: Nah man, alien is alien.
Smith: Whatever…impressive debut for Deus as the mysterious story behind this character continues to unfold. Let’s head backstage before we get set for our next match…
~Backstage, Max Shade’s trainers are taping up his wrists and giving him water. Beside him, Dr. Orange is on his smartphone, holding a bag of ice to his head~
DR. ORANGE: Absolute garbage! Unprofessional! Your security goon punched ME instead of the guy he was supposed to be protecting me from! I’m not paying for this! You’re lucky I don’t sue your asses! Get your crap together!
~Dr. Orange hangs up and looks over at Max, who is smirking slightly as he looks over at Orange. Dr. Orange wipes his fat face and looks over at Max~
DR. ORANGE: Two weeks in a row, Max… TWO WEEKS in a ROW… Someone in this organization full of stupid unprofessional dumbasses manages to get me assaulted. Truly upsetting. Clearly they’re admitting they don’t have a chance against you, so they have to go after your favorite guy in the world.
~Max raises an eyebrow at this. Dr. Orange stands up and kicks over a trash can, then puts his hands out, closes his eyes, and appears to be trying to find his center of calm~
DR. ORANGE: No… no… Don’t let ‘em see you angry. Just be a professional. That’s all there is to it.
~Dr. Orange nods, turns to Max, and gets eye level~
DR. ORANGE: Kick… His… ASS.
~Max grits his teeth and nods, before pouring a bottle of water over his head and heading for the exit. Dr. Orange adjusts his tie and tosses his bag of ice to the side~
DR. ORANGE: Time to watch that uppity little Irish bastard get what’s coming to him.
~Dr. Orange stands up to exit. As he does, we see Barry Man is Low arrive. Dr. Orange stop and looks at Barry~
Dr. Orange: Another one? Aren’t you that Western Asian guy’s personal security guard? Barry Mandible?
~Barry just kind of nods. It’s clear he’s been sent by EE as a peace offering considering what took place earlier~
Dr. Orange: Well, alright. Follow me.
~They exit as we cut to the announce table~
Smith: Max Shade looks ready and Dr Orange, well, he looks like he’s got the best security guard OCW has to offer
Hood: Not sure that’s saying much
Smith: I’d agree…well it’s just about time for the highly anticipated clash between Max Shade and Nathan Dravers…
~Smith is cut off when “Run This Town” by Jay-Z featuring Rihanna & Kanye West begins to play throughout the arena. Three silhouettes appear on the screen and the crowd is silent until the words “The Aptitude” show, causing the majority of the crowd to boo heavily. The three members; OCW Tag Team Champions “The Marvel” Matt Meyhu & “The Distinguished” CJ O’Donnell, and OCW Paradigm Champion The Incredible One, walk out from behind the curtain at the same time with the three belts around each respective waist, their hands up, drinking in the boos. ~
Hood: Look at it Smith! This is perfect…
Smith: I wouldn’t call them perfect, but the past two weeks The Aptitude have been showing they’re a force to reckon with.
Hood: I need a tissue…
Smith: Wait, are you crying?!
Hood: The three of them, it’s just so beautiful! No homo though!
Smith: Oh god!
~ The three champions enter the ring, posing with their titles on a turnbuckle each, as the crowd continues to show their hatred for the trio. All of them grab microphone as the music fades out. TIO lifts his microphone to his lips, starting with a smirk. ~
TIO: I told you three weeks ago that Massacre was going to change. That Massacre was going to be legendary and look what happened? The two best wrestlers in the world joined forces with me, and we have since been laying waste to the roster. Matt Meyhu and CJ O’Donnell are tag champs and I am a double champion! Soon though, I won’t be the only double champion in this group… as my good friend CJ will be destroy the FAKE IRISH Mack O’Connor to become the new OCW Savage Champion.
~ CJ O’Donnell is sitting on top turnbuckle as his lifts up his microphone. ~
CJ O’Donnell: You are damn fucking right I am. It is nothing personal O’Connor it just simply business. Like There’s No Tomorrow is just going to cement The Aptitude into the history books in OCW. Look around and you can tell no other trio has been as dominant as us. Kind of sucks that we won’t be defending those Tag Team Titles but hey no challengers have stepped up to the plate. I mean we even reached out to Rachel Valdez the manager of Randy and Ricky maybe you heard of them Awe.Some. Yeah she wouldn’t even return our calls guess they are enjoying retirement to much.
~ CJ smirks as he jumps down from the top turnbuckle and stands next to The Incredible One. ~
CJ O’Donnell: Now TIO I am glad we came out here tonight because I need to ask you something.
~ TIO cocks an eyebrow at O’Donnell, not sure what he means. ~
TIO: You know I don’t like surprises CJ, so what is it?
CJ O’Donnell: I need you to bury the hatchet with Alice.
~ The crowd reacts mixed to that question as TIO closes his eyes slowly before softly shaking his head. ~
TIO: You know, the next thing I was going to say was how I may have the night off at Like There’s No Tomorrow, but Treat Cassidy is trying to buy out Caution… and then you had to bring this up.
CJ O’Donnell: Treat already bought out Caution it is a known fact. He realizes that Chad Vargas is not the competitor he claims to be so he wants to make sure Vargas has an easy night. Yeah you know I get right down to business I don’t beat around any bush. Think about it TIO with her by our side The Aptitude would control more than half the titles in OCW.
TIO: Well if that’s true, we won’t make it easy for Vargas to just get his title shot. Take notice right now Vargas, you think money can make get you to me? Think again. Aptitude will show up in the main event and we will end your career - tonight!
~ TIO pauses for a moment, having got that off his chest, before refocusing his attention to his long time friend. ~
TIO: You think it’s that simple, CJ? You just walk into OCW and think I can just say ‘whatever, sure, Alice can be in Aptitude!’ It’s not that simple, bud. I have history with her. You weren’t here in 2014 when she was teaming with my arch-nemesis, trying to help her get titles off of me. She teamed with MJ Bell and tried to convince her that I was evil… I mean she wasn’t wrong… but that’s not the point! The point CJ is that there are two sides: good and evil. Alice is on the very farthest side of good and we’re on the other side. She’ll turn Aptitude into rainbows and unicorns… it’s not going to happen.
~ CJ can’t help but laugh at TIO as he holds up one finger so he can compose himself. ~
CJ O’Donnell: Really you went with rainbows and unicorns … I thought you would have said watermelons and ant farms. Anyway I think you are missing the point TIO. You said the same thing about Julliet Brooks back in Boardwalk Wrestling. Claiming we were from opposite sides of the tracks but look how well that turned out for us as a group. Sure she may hate my guts now but she has valid reasons. Alice is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She may look or do clumsy things but that is all an act. It is her way for people to let their guard down and not take her serious. Honestly, you have to trust me on this one Alice Knight by our side would do wonders for us in the long run.
~ A laugh comes across the face of TIO now as he immediately responds. ~
TIO: Did you just honestly compare Alice Knight to Julliet Brooks? Really? If I was Brooks, I’d be even more angry at you. There is a huge difference between the two of them. Brooks, even when she was not on our side, at least was beautiful and had some class. Alice was homeless once and owns an RV. She talks to owls and like you said, has an ant farm. She is without a shadow of doubt, insane, and I’m not a doctor. There are many things I trust you with CJ, like my life, and helping me achieve success - but you are barking up the wrong tree with Alice… Meyhu, you got anything to say about this?!
~ Meyhu nods in agreement with TIO. ~
TIO: Meyhu, I like you. You’re silent, kick ass, and don’t get involved with wacky woman, like someone else in the ring.
CJ O’Donnell: So she likes some things that are a bit odd. Did anyone complain that you sniffed that powder off that midgets belly button back in Atlantic City? No … Did we complain about your obsession with guns? No … Hell I killed a man for you at one time or did you forget. You must have also forgot the first time you met me I was living in a van until someone burned it down. It is not easy to start in this business. And I am not a dog I do not bark or beg or roll over.
~ The crowd is starting to feel the tension between the two Aptitude members, as their excitement grows. TIO paces back and forth, starting to look frustrated, before getting pretty close to O’Donnell’s face. ~
TIO: So you want me to bury my beef with Alice? I can’t, CJ.
~ CJ looks up at TIO as a grin appears his face. ~
CJ O’Donnell: You can’t? Or you won’t?
TIO: Let me make this crystal fucking clear to you, you mick. I will never, EVER, be on the same side, as Alice Knight. To put it into perspective for you, I’d rather have cancer again then tag with her.
CJ O’Donnell: Strong words TIO but I call bullshit. I never once asked you to tag with her. I asked you to forgive. You know bury the fucking hatchet.
TIO: But what’s next then, eh? Bury the hatchet. Sure. “OH TIO, COULD YOU TAG WITH HER?!” Uh… “TIO WE NEED OWL IS NIGHT SHIRTS PRONTO!” I ain’t working in no fucking sweat shop, bitch. She did shit that I could never forgive her for. Also, she thinks my movie, which is an award winning movie by the way, is hot trash. I can’t forgive that. You think that she’s going to come join us? You call her smarter than she looks? You ever think maybe she’s trying to get you away from us? For fuck sakes, you went on a picnic. Who goes on a picnic?
CJ O’Donnell: I did and it wasn’t that bad. Can you chill the fuck out and take a deep breath you are turning a blue-ish purple. Maybe she gets under your skin so much because you are afraid that Alice will call The Incredible One out on all his fucking bullshit. Maybe you are not ‘That Incredible’ after all.
~ A large “oh!” from the crowd erupts after that comment, as TIO is now visibly upset. Meyhu steps in the middle of TIO and CJ, as TIO takes his title belt off and starts rolling up the sleeves of his dress shirt. ~
TIO: You know, I know love can blind, cause it blinded me once, but, you take that back… or I’m going to have to smack you around this ring.
~ CJ thinks for about it for a second. ~
CJ O’Donnell: ABSOLUTELY NOT! COME ON HOSER LET’S SEE WHAT YOU GOT?
~ TIO pushes Meyhu away as both TIO and CJ are touching noses, speaking to each other without the mics. TIO is cursing away while CJ laughs at TIO’s anger. TIO backs off and goes to hit CJ with a right hook but stops just before hitting him in the face. TIO tilts his head towards the camera, his eyebrow cocked and a smirk on his head before turning back to CJ. CJ lunges forward as it looks like he is going for a belly to back suplex but instead of lifting him up and over CJ wraps his arms around TIO instead and they embrace in a hug. They each slap one another on the back a few times then CJ looks directly in the camera. ~
CJ O’Donnell: GOTCHA! FUCKING FOOLS. Did you honestly think TIO and myself would come to blows. We are the Aptitude. We are brothers.
TIO: Brothers for fucking life! No one will break this shit up! I may have not convinced this man that Alice is the enemy but that is not the problem right now. Tonight, we will be focused on getting one task done: and that is making sure Chad Vargas does not make it to Like There’s No Tomorrow.
~ Camera goes back to Hood and Smith at ringside as TIO, O’Donnel and Meyhu exit the ring and walk back up the ramp. ~
Smith: For a second there I thought TIO and CJ were about to go at it.
Hood: Those guys know how to sell tickets. Hell they should go to acting school and become actors after their wrestling careers are over.
Smith: Yeah well TIO did do a movie and according to different sources some said it was stellar while others said it stunk.
Hood: I saw it and I think TIO should have won numerous awards but those shows are rigged.
Smith: Well that's not the freshest news...award shows being rigged. But this Alice thing has me concerned. Here we are, a week before her first OCW Title defense...the biggest match in her career and she's MIA. And now we've got these fools talking about her like she's their poperty.
Hood: So what if she's in Miami. Better than being in Key West, if you ask me
Smith: MIA, Hood...Missing in Action
Hood: I thought you said she was at home focusing on her match...wherever the fuck her home is
Smith: That's what I was told. But when I hear a promo like that and consider that Aptitude has management wrapped around their finger...it, well, it makes me uneasy.
Hood: Look, just relax...they aren't going to screw your little buddy over. That would mean MJ winning the Title...and she's under Treat Cassidy's thumb. They despise him worse than anyone else on the roster
Smith: You make a good point. I just hope, whatever happens, that those three men do not interfere in that match next week
Hood: They can't
Smith: Oh, I'm sure they can, if they want
Hood: How about that Meyhu? Smartest fucking guy in the ring. He knows not to open his mouth when two guys are arguing over a woman.
Smith: I guess that's why he's had the success he's had. Anyway folks...we're getting things prepped for Shade and Dravers...so, before that match gets started, let's head backstage!
~We cut outside. We see an OCW ring situated out, over the water. In the background is a giant cruise ship. It appears to be a popular place for these ships to dock. The Cube is being constructed. Several men toil away in the darkness. Sparks fly, hammers mash…it’s a tireless effort but one worth it in the long run. A voice begins speaking~
Voice: The Cube. A device so revolutionary that promotions all around the globe have tried to emulate it. The Cube makes its return this week at Like There’s No Tomorrow. Dare Clemmens will defend his Ascension Title against Max Shade inside The Cube in a Climb the Rope Match.
~We hear more hammering and sawing. The voice continues~
Voice: As if that weren’t enough…we will also see Mack O’Connor defend his Savage Championship against CJ O’Donnell. Oh yes, The Cube will be back in all its glory.
~The voice pauses for a second before continuing~
Voice: Careers will be made. Legacies cemented…titles retained and lost. The Cube will provide a wide range of emotion next Monday at Like There’s No Tomorrow. It will, indeed, ShamROCK. So…be sure to tune in to see all the action…wait a minute…is that DEUS?!
~The Voice breaks composure as we zoom in, spotting what appears to be Deus standing in the ring. The Cube has yet to be welded together, so the four walls are stretched out, over the water, like a box peeled apart. Everyone stops working and some construction worker yells out~
Construction Worker: I’m going to unmask that fucker! That should get me something, right?
~He hustles into the ring and YANKS the mask off of Deus. Beneath the mask is…well, a let down. An ordinary looking, scrawny dude~
Construction Worker: KEVIN! What the fuck, man? You’re DEUS? Why didn’t you tell us?
Kevin: Nah man, I just bought this sweet mask earlier today. Thought I’d wear it in the dark…for some reason.
Construction Worker: Why you son of a bitch!!
~The Construction Worker, filled with fury upon being made to look stupid AND not receive any sort of discovery compensation wallops Kevin with the mask. The other works get all fired up and enter the ring. They start to stomp and beat on Kevin. They toss him over the top rope. Kevin slams HARD on that side of the cube with a SMACK. The skin of his leg drags across it with a painful screech. A few workers already out there pick him up and punch his face a few times. They then throw him into the ocean!!! They begin to cheer, feeling vindicated. We pull back out as the Voice returns~
Voice: Umm, well, I guess that’s one way to demonstrate the danger of The Cube and its surroundings. Meanwhile, Deus remains a mystery, I suppose. Back to you, Smith!
~We cut back to the announce table~
Smith: Well that was…strange…yet informative
Hood: CLASSIC OCW, BABY!
Smith: I guess. The Cube is a great invention though and I cannot wait to see it back in action next Monday.
Hood: Who’s it facing?
Smith: Stop being ridiculous. If not, I’ll put a Deus mask on you
Hood: No way, I don’t want to get gang raped by a bunch of construction workers
Smith: That’s not exactly what happened…but I get the frustration.
Hood: Yes sexual frustration would be your wrestling nickname. Introducing “Sexual Frustration” Smith!
Smith: SHUT UP! Geez…I’m talking about Deus and how with that mask you could literally mistake ANYONE for Deus
Hood: Except Bifford
Smith: Okay, fine, you got me on that one. You’re in a stupid mood right now so let’s go down to ringside…a match I’ve been looking forward to all week is up next…Max Shade takes on Nathan Dravers!
Max Shade (2-0) vs. Nathan Dravers (2-2)
Predator: Ladies and Gentlemen…the following match is scheduled for one fall.
~ Circus For A Psycho plays to amped - up cheers and Nathan emerges from the curtain amping up the crowd further. He sings along to his theme, slapping the hands of fans along the way. He leaps into the ring, onto the turnbuckle singing his theme and smiling cocky, but friendly as he's a face. Jonathan isn’t as ringside, which seems strange~
Predator: Introducing first, from Denver, Colorado…standing 6’0 tall and weighing in at 200lbs..Nathan Dravers!!!
~Nathan steps down from the turnbuckle and points at some fans in the front row. As he does, Predator sneaks up behind him and starts to rub his pink hair. Nathan jumps back and spots Predator. Predator smiles. Nathan backs away, creating PLENTY of distance. “Never Take Me Out” by Demigodz hits. Predator turns and faces the entrance ramp with excitement in his eyes. Dr. Jon Orange emerges first waving and giving a thumbs up. Barry Man is Low is at his side, for protection. He adds a new move to his managerial repertoire. He POINTS at a few people close by. It’s not known if he’s pointing at anyone specifically or just pointing…but whatever, it looks good. Shade emerges, looking ready to smash. Dr. Orange points at him, claps and then leads the way down the ramp. They reach the ringside area with Dr. Orange motioning for Max to head up the steps. Max does. The toe of his shoe clips the top step…he stumbles, slightly, but not too badly. He’s about to enter the ropes. Dr. Orange tells him to stop and he has Barry Man is Low pull on the ropes~
Smith: What is he doing?
Hood: Making sure the ropes this week aren’t defective, Smith. That’s a very expensive client he’s got there.
Smith: We’ve had three matches already, Hood. These ropes are NOT defective.
Hood: Or maybe all those wrestlers before Max Shade were defective and we just didn’t realize it?
Smith: Whatever
~Dr Orange thinks for a second before permitting Max entry. Max slightly rolls his eyes and enters through the ropes. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. It’s a regular entrance without any hiccups. Dr. Orange puts it over as a great act, showing Max off by pointing at him and clapping. Max ignores Dr. Orange and heads to his corner~
Predator: And his opponent, from Chicago, Illinois…standing 6’5 and weighing in at 285lbs…he is the client of Dr. Orange…Max Shade!!!
~Predator begins to shuffle near Max. Max shoots him a fury filled glare that says, basically “Come near me and I’ll break your fucking neck.” Predator takes a not so subtle detour toward the ropes, climbing out of the ring. The bell sounds~
Smith: Finally, after that giant rigmarole we can get…oh no
Hood: Dr. Orange! You’re back! I’m so glad to be making you an…ah shit, that damn GM of ours is rubbing off on me.
Dr. Orange: Are you talking about Max’s skin? That is not the product of rubbing oil. His skin glistens like that before every match.
Smith: Oh come on, that’s ridiculous.
Dr. Orange: It’s from his competitive juices. The fire he has for competition. Fierce.
Hood: Wow, that’s amazing!
~Puff slaps his hands together, telling the competitors to GET IT ON. Shade looks at Puff as though he’d like to kick his head off. Nathan sprints in, catching Shade off guard. He attempts a knock off version of O’Donnell’s Irish Knowledge!! He hits Shade in the left shoulder! Shade stumbles back into a corner. Nathan rushes to his feet and charges in, barreling his shoulder into the muscular abs of Shade. Nathan stands upright violently slamming the back of his head into Shade’s chin…this rocks the big man more than the aforementioned two moves combined. Nathan hops onto the middle rope and he starts pounding Shade in the face with lefts and rights. The crowd gets behind Nathan~
Smith: Fast start by Nathan!
Dr. Orange: Stealing moves. Thief. You see what I did to that thief, right? Justice. Served.
Hood: I certainly did, Doc! He got what was coming…say, did he purchase that yacht by any chance before you took him out?
Dr. Orange: He did.
Hood: Any chance you could, ya know, maybe sign it over to your old pal, Hood? It would come in really handy down here in the Keys.
Dr. Orange: I’d love to. One problem. Already gave it to the CEO of a company out in Rochester. Guy only makes five hundred k a year. Charity. Great write off.
~Max shoves Nathan’s legs back. Nathan flies away, landing on one hand and both knees in the center of the ring. He charges back at Max who moves out of the way. Nathan jumps onto the middle buckle, avoiding a rough encounter. He leaps off with a moonsault. Max is kind of turned sideways. Nathan lands hard onto Max’s left shoulder!! Nathan nearly lands on his head as Max staggers into the ropes, almost falling through. He uses them to steady~
Smith: Well Nathan Dravers was nearly killed there.
Hood: Hey, it’s not Shade’s fault the kid can’t perform a moon sault.
Dr. Orange: Disorientation. Poor kid has no nutrients in his body. Has an eating disorder.
Hood: Really? Wow, tell me more!
Dr. Orange: Gladly. He purged earlier in the week when he saw one of our fabulous promos. It obviously crushed his self-esteem. Sad.
Smith: I don’t think Nathan Dravers has an eating disorder and to make light of such issues is incredibly crass.
Hood: Sounds like Nathan needs to see The Knife Man
Smith: No
~Nathan staggers to his feet, rubbing his head. He does appear somewhat disoriented. Shade stands up straight, off the ropes. He marches for Nathan. Nathan throws a forearm into the side of Max’s head. It does little. Shade lifts Nathan up, scooping him over his shoulder and he SLAMS him into the mat with such force!! The ring shakes as the crowd groans. Puff’s gut jiggles and his shades nearly fly off…but his rock hard gelled hair remains perfectly intact~
Smith: Tremendous body slam! I know Max has been working hard on those.
Dr. Orange: Best body slam in the business. I’d like to see what the internet gnomes have to say about that!
Smith: You mean trolls?
Dr. Orange: Err. Sure. Trolls, Gnomes, same thing.
Smith: Actually, I have a live feed of the IWC right here on my phone. Ah, here we go…umm…this guy says “So he can body slam, whoop a dee doo…that’s like wrestling 101.”
Hood: You okay, Doc?
Dr. Orange: Smith, may I see your phone?
~Smith slides his phone over to Dr. Orange. Dr. Orange hands the phone to Barry Man is Low, who is standing to the side. Barry Man is Low snaps the phone in half. Smith begins freaking out. Inside the ring, Max backs up against the ropes. He walks toward Nathan…he miscounts his steps and gets all awkward. He then lifts his leg for a leg drop but Nathan rolls out of the way. Max jumps up and lands directly on his ass! Nathan runs into the ropes, shoots off and delivers a sit out dropkick into the face of Shade, knocking him onto his back. Puff folds his arms and shakes his head, saying “Amateur” after witnessing Shade’s move~
Smith: You broke my phone!
Dr. Orange: So? You act like I just wrecked your private jet. Get over it. Buy another one.
Hood: Yea Smith, it’s ONLY a phone
Smith: Hey, we don’t ALL make millions of dollars, Dr Orange
Dr. Orange: It’s billions, Smith. Billions.
Hood: Fucking amateur hour every week, Doc. Ya know?
~Nathan pops back to his feet and rushes toward the nearest corner. Max sits up, shaking his head. Nathan hurries to the top. Max stumbles to his feet. Nathan leaps off with a missile drop kick!! He drills Shade right in the face!! Shade loses his balance and stumbles backward into the ropes…the big man falls through the ropes, to the outside!! He hits hard as the crowd cheers…a “Nay-Than!” chant breaks out. Nathan pops to his feet and nods his head along with the crowd~
Smith: This is the most vulnerable we’ve seen Max Shade…which is saying something
Hood: No shit, he was inside the ring with an INTENSE Iggy
Dr. Orange: Why hasn’t the bell rang? That move was illegal.
Smith: No it wasn’t
Dr. Orange: You can’t climb on top of things and jump off. Ridiculous.
Smith: Yes you can, it’s called high risk maneuvers or…didn’t they teach you guys that on that independent run Max enjoyed?
Dr. Orange: Do not question my client’s credentials. I’ve watched a ton of sports. Nobody climbs on top of goal posts and jumps off them. Insanity. Illegal.
Hood: He does have a point Smith
Smith: No he doesn’t!
~Dr. Orange says something to Barry Man is Low. The giant security guard walks over to Shade to check on him. The fans boo. Suddenly, Jonathan Dravers comes rushing out from the back. Nathan looks a little annoyed. Jonathan gets in Barry Man is Low’s face, telling him to back away and not help Shade~
Smith: And there’s the other half of the Dravers!
Hood: Ugh, there really are two of them. I was beginning to think I’d been hallucinating all those weeks and was seeing double. Talk about a fucking terrible realization.
Dr. Orange: Look at him interfering in this match. Hogging the spot light like a pig. A swine. Filthy. Somebody should do something.
Smith: Well I think he was going to stay back and allow Nathan to stand out on his own tonight but…well, it seems as though one side just wasn’t willing to play fair.
Dr. Orange: Exactly. Those Drivers and their fake, illegal jumping moves.
~Barry Man is Low, understanding the task he was given…to protect Dr. Orange, backs away. Jonathan stands over Shade for a moment. He then takes a few steps back and leans against the barricade, to watch. Some fans reach over and pat him on the back. Nathan hops through the ropes to stay on top of Max. He lays the boots to Max before pulling the behemoth to his feet. He whips him into the barricade. Max hits hard. Nathan sprints toward Max and leaps through the air with a cross body…he nails it!! Both men flip over the barricade and land in the crowd as the fans go crazy~
Smith: What a move by Nathan! Such athleticism! He’s really showing something tonight.
Hood: Doesn’t he realize he’s a tag team wrestler? For fuck’s sake, that makes him like half a man
Dr. Orange: Max Shade is full man. Make no mistake about it. He’s a one man tag team. Wrecking Ball.
Smith: He’s kind of getting wrecked right now
Dr. Orange: Nonsense. What’s that slam where the wrestler falls backward and throws the guy over his head?
Smith: Fallaway slam.
Dr. Orange: *snaps* That’s the one! Max was simply showing off his outside barricade fallaway slam. Thing of beauty. Revolutionary.
~Nathan pops up first. He holds his back, wincing. He grabs Max by what little hair he has and pulls him up. He tosses Max over the barricade. Clumsily, Max goes over and sort of tumbles to the other side. Nathan hops atop the barricade, steadies himself and leaps off with a leg drop across the throat and chest of Max!! The crowd continues to cheer. Nathan gets to his feet and rushes up the ring steps…he points out and yells “OR-ANGE CAT HEAD!” The crowd kind of quiets. He yells it again and again, trying to get it over. But the crowd doesn’t seem willing to go along with it~
Smith: C’mon people! Orange Cat Head!!!
Hood: Please, that chant is lame as fuck, Smith.
Dr. Orange: Completely irrelevant. There are not cats out here. Pointless Drivel.
~The crowd refuses to chant the phrase. Jonathan yells at Nathan. Max is on one knee. Nathan turns his attention back to Max. Shade gets to his feet…Nathan leaps off for a huricanrana…Shade holds on, keeping Nathan from turning it over. He lifts Nathan up and appears to try to powerbomb in into the apron. We will never know because his footing slips and he wins up falling face first…but still plants Nathan. The crowd boos as Puff rolls his eyes~
Smith: Interesting power bomb by Max Shade
Dr. Orange: High Impact Back Splash
Hood: I think I saw that on the DIY network
Dr. Orange: You might have. Very famous move. High impact.
Smith: Looked like he slipped to me
Dr. Orange: Fake news! Unless there’s a banana peel over there. Do we see a banana peel?
Hood: Smith! Hurry, go and check for a banana peel! That would be such a Dravers move…
Smith: I will not!
Dr. Orange: Lazy.
~Shade stumbles to his feet. He grabs Nathan by the hair and tosses him into the ring, under the bottom rope. Shade half rolls, crawls under the bottom rope. Puff sighs. Shade gets to his feet and pulls Nathan up…he whips Nathan into the ropes. Shade throws a clothesline, Nathan ducks and hits the ropes again. Shade turns around and his body bumps into Nathan’s! Nathan falls to the mat, holding the back of his head in pain. Jonathan looks concerned…he turns to the crowd with despair in his eyes yelling “ORANGE CAT HEAD!!” he claps three times after. Nothing is happening, it isn’t catching on. Shade pays it no attention~
Smith: I just don’t think that one is going to catch on guys
Hood: Of course it won’t, it’s fucking stupid.
Dr. Orange: This place has a weird fascination with animals. Owls. Cats. Strange.
Hood: Finally, a man that speaks some truth!
Smith: I hate to be the bearer of painful truth but I think it’s a derogatory term aimed at your head.
Dr. Orange: What? That’s awful! There is nothing wrong with Hood’s head.
Hood: Thanks, Doc.
~Shade kicks at Nathan, who has rolled onto his stomach. It’s a flush kick, right into the ribs. It smacks, loudly. Shade does it again, a little harder. Nathan crawls into the corner, sitting up against the bottom buckle. He pleads with Shade not to kick him again. Shade throws a tentative front kick into the face of Nathan! It knocks Nathan silly. Puff raises his eyebrows~
Smith: Some flush strikes there
Hood: I love it, he’s treating Nathan like the pest he is
Dr. Orange: There better be slime on his foot. Or leg spasms. Boring offense. Ineffective. Ratings killer.
Smith: Looks pretty effective to me
Dr. Orange: You know nothing. Corner Hug Smash is an effective move. It won Max many matches.
Smith: Oh yea? Against who?
Dr. Orange: On the indy scene. Smart wrestler. Named The Technician. Real savvy guy.
~Shade pulls Nathan into the center of the ring, standing him up. He throws a perfectly executed spinning kick to the gut. He follows that up with a kick into Nathan’s face!! Nathan falls back, violently~
Dr. Orange: What is this? Ugh, terrible. I have to do everything myself. Everything.
Smith: Where are you going??
Hood: To take care of his client, Smith, duh.
~Dr Orange stands up and heads to the ring. He slaps his palms on the mat and yells at Max. Max places his hands on his hips and looks down at Dr. Orange incredulously. Dr. Orange yells “CORNER HUG SMASH!” he slaps the mat. The fans get a “Corner Hug Smash” chant going. Jonathan rushes over, yelling at Dr. Orange~
Smith: Uh oh, it’s breaking down out here
Hood: Get that lunatic away from ringside!
Smith: Yes, he can sit next to us again if he wants.
Hood: I was talking about Dravers #2
~Jonathan grabs Dr. Orange by the collar. A giant hand twirls Jonathan around. Barry Man is Low drills Jonathan in the head with a right hand! Jonathan’s head snaps back and hits Dr Orange in the face! They both fall to the ground. Barry Man is Low’s eyes widen. He slowly backs away and then briskly leaves the ringside area. As he does, the fans begin to whistle. Who’Re hustles down to ringside with a sense of urgency~
Smith: Look who it is!
Hood: It’s that fucking whore!
Smith: Rude! At least Dr Orange got a little bit of what’s coming to him
Hood: Jonathan Dravers should be fined AND suspended.
~Max Shade stands, poised for Nathan. Nathan is loopy. He’s probably concussed. He staggers to his feet. Max’s stance indicates a kick strike of some kind is imminent. But, ‘Corner Hug Smash’ chants fill up the arena. Max loosens his posture and stands upright. He listens to the chants. Puff shakes his head ‘no’. Max lets out a sigh of defeat and he grabs hold of Nathan~
Smith: He’s giving in to the Corner Hug Smash vibe!
Hood: I hope he throws Nathan at the whore.
Smith: That was a sweet thing Nathan did for Who’Re earlier this week. Saving her from those hooligans.
Hood: Were those the same guys that sold you that DVD?
Smith: Probably…nasty group, those guys…I’m so glad Nathan prevented them from harming an innocent lady.
Hood: Whoa, whoa, hold the cellular telephone…she’s far from fucking innocent. I mean, seriously, when you’re working street corners some serious shit is bound to go down. Part of the job, ya know
Smith: Stop disparaging that wonderful woman with a misfortunate name
~Who’Re claps her hands and smiles wide “Orange Cat Head!!” she yells. But “Corner Hug Smash” dominates the chants. She grows frustrated. She stands up on the barricade and tries again. It still won’t pick up any steam. Meanwhile, Shade has his arms wrapped around Nathan’s body. He’s positioning his back to the nearest corner, getting ready for the Corner Hug Smash. Who’Re spots this frightening development. She’s wearing a “Dravers” shirt. He sighs and grabs the bottom of her shirt and pulls it up, revealing her bare chest! We, of course, don’t see any of this. All we see is her bare, lower back. Women shriek, covering their children’s eyes. Young men go wild. Old men reach for their hearts. Middle aged men groan and reach into their pockets. However, one common theme arises…the entire arena breaks out into an “ORANGE CAT HEAD!” chant. It’s deafening!~
Smith: Oh my
Hood: Haha, told you she was a fucking whore
Smith: Well, that certainly…doesn’t help her case against it
Hood: Anything for a favor, right? Trick turning bitch
Smith: Okay you didn’t have to go that far
Hood: Hell yes I did! She’s going to ruin this match for Dr Orange and Max Shade!
~Shade is taken aback by the change in chants. He turns around and spots Who’Re with her shirt over her head. His eyes widen as his grip loosens. Nathan tries to wiggle free. Max snaps back into his wrestling mode and goes for the Corner Hug Smash…but his grip is too loose, Nathan wiggles too much and Max winds up falling backwards, slamming his head against the bottom buckle!! Puff winces and shakes his head. The crowd goes wild!! Who’Re puts her shirt down and hops off the barricade. She walks around the ring to Nathan’s corner, clapping. Nathan sits up, somewhat bewildered. Max appears unconscious. Who’Re yells “C’mon, Nathan!! You’ve got this!” He nods and smiles~
Smith: Max Shade is out for the first time in his career…Nathan could score the huge upset.
Hood: First MJ Bell loses to Robert Morbidus and now Max Shade could possibly lose to Nathan Dravers…do we WANT to kill the ratings for Like There’s No Tomorrow?
Smith: It’s called competition, Hood.
Hood: No, it’s called retarded booking. Shade should be in there with Shootah. It could be promoted as Shade vs. Shootah II…this time, someone DIES…spoiler alert, it ain’t Shade.
Smith: That sounds horrific…and anti-climatic, seeing as you spoiled the ending
Hood: Meh, didn’t stop Titanic from grossing like a trillion dollars
~Nathan backs into a corner. He stands, poised for a superkick. Max sits up, woozy. The crowd gets behind Nathan, their Orange Cat Hair chant has subsided as a standard “Nathan!” chant emanates in its place. Nathan stomps his foot on the ground, eager to kick the wits out of Shade. Shade gets to one knee. He reaches his feet and stumbles around, like a drunk~
Smith: If he hits this, you can kiss Max Shade good night
Hood: Eww, why would I want to do that?
Smith: It’s a saying!
Hood: I’d rather kiss the fucking whore and risk lip removal due to some degenerative sore
Smith: Gross
~Max has his back to Nathan. He finally turns around and Nathan lunges forward for the superkick. However, before he follows through he winces and stops. He staggers. He sort of loses his bearings. Max scoops him up, onto his shoulders, flips him around and drops him with The Terminator!!! Nathan lands hard and flips onto his back. Who’Re slams her arms onto the apron, burying her face into them. Max covers Nathan as Puff falls to his knees and makes the count~
1!
2!
3!!!
~The bell rings. Dr. Orange peeks over the apron, his hair is a bit disheveled by he otherwise looks fine. He smiles and quickly rises to his feet, hustling up the steps~
Predator: Here is your winner…Dr. Jon Orange’s client…MAX SHADE!!!!!
~Dr. Orange enters into the ropes. Predator is about to grab Shade’s arm, right under the bicep, on the tender portion. Orange pushes him out of the way and grabs Shade’s wrist, raising it in victory. Shade tries to use Dr Orange as a base to lean on, but Dr Orange drops Shade’s arm and walks to the ropes, waving and pointing at the fans. Shade staggers, nearly falling over~
Smith: No! Dang it…so disheartening
Hood: Haha, Nathan is such a fucking retard…he doesn’t even know how to perform a super kick. Talk about a no talent, can’t wrestle loser!
Smith: Nathan is going through some emotional issues right now, Hood. I think he’s clearly traumatized from that kick he received via the closest person in his life
Hood: The whore kicked him in the face after he saved her from getting raped. Geezus, that woman is fucking awful.
Smith: NO! His brother, Jonathan.
~Dr Orange continues to celebrate while Max leans against the ropes, feeling the effects of the match. Who’Re and Jonathan are both in the ring, checking on Nathan~
Smith: I only hope Nathan doesn’t take this too harshly
Hood: He probably will, he’s got pink hair, after all
Smith: You and hair…it’s a strange fascination
Hood: Hey if you don’t want me making fun of your hair, then how about styling it normal
Smith: Dr Orange?
Hood: Is a great man. What are you trying to say?
Smith: Nothing…let’s head backstage!
~We cut backstage where JONES is standing next to three ladders. The fans cheer, slightly, happy to see that Jones is still alive. He smiles and gives a wave to the camera. Somebody behind the camera yells “Stop waving, fag!” and Jones gets sad and puts his hand down. But, the man is a pro…so he composes and begins speaking~
Jones: Hey guys! Jones here…so great to see you all. I know it’s been awhile and you all thought I was fired or worse…but I’m still here and hopefully we get to see more…
~GET ON WITH IT!” is shouted by the same angry, bigoted voice. Jones nods and moves forward. Cameramen really are the worst…somebody watching the show is probably thinking~
Jones: Anyway, I’m here to explain the rules behind next week’s Hazardous Ladder Match. Alice Knight, the OCW Champion, will be defending her title against OCW Hall of Famer and former champion MJ Bell. It’s a match so full of potential…so oozing with intrigue that only one stipulation could equal the hype…the most famous match in OCW History. Now, as you’ll see behind me, there are three ladders.
~Jones points at the three ladders. The Knife Man suddenly appears. He’s standing to the left of Jones and looking at the ladders. Jones is frightened at first. The Knife Man smiles and pats Jones on the back and then makes his body skinny so he can squeeze by~
The Knife Man: Sorry about this, friend. But there’s a light bulb right back there that needs fixing. Just let me CUT through here really quick and I’ll be out of your hair. Great job by the way. I’m a huge fan. You’re such a good guy.
Jones: Aww, thanks Knife Man!
~While wedging through, the giant knife waves around the face and throat of Jones. He dodges and ducks, trying not to get sliced. Knife Man then grabs one of the three ladders and heads down the hallway where we see a fixture with an expired bulb. He sets the ladder up and pulls out a fresh bulb from his pocket. Jones is still facing the camera, unaware of what’s going on~
Jones: So, as I was saying…three ladders. The belt is hanging high above the ring as it does in every ladder match. These three ladders are the only ladders available to use. Two of them have sensors placed within one of the upper rungs. If enough pressure is placed on that rung…say the pressure of a human stepping onto it…the ladder will shake and instantly come apart. So, it’s up to the competitor to find the true ladder, climb it and retrieve the title. Pretty simple, right?
~The Knife Man is in the background whistling “Shadow Dancing” by Andy Gibb. He really is a happy guy. He climbs the ladder and reaches up with his knife. He undoes the dead bulb with his knife and slips it into his pocket. He then places the new bulb in and works on screwing it in with his knife. It’s tough, so he steps up one more rung to get a better grip. The ladder shakes. It falls apart and he lands on the hard concrete!! He’s motionless. It appears that he might be dead~
Jones: Hmm…well I guess that about sums it up. Back to you, Smith!
~We get one final image of The Knife Man performing a quick sit up as though he weren’t hurt at all. We cut back to ringside~
Smith: Maybe we should just blow off doing these visual presentations of impending gimmick matches.
Hood: What are you talking about? That was highly informative. I’m just glad Alice Knight wasn’t here to see it.
Smith: And why is that?
Hood: Because, now she won’t know that ladder is faulty whereas MJ will.
Smith: First off, they aren’t going to use that ladder, Hood. And second, I bet she’s watching at home.
Hood: Dude, this isn’t PBS. No way she gets STARZ.
Smith: You’re going to upset me. So, before that happens…how about we go to some taped footage that, I’m sure, will be somewhat bizarre
~We cut to a shot of an opulent corridor. It is lined with gold, platinum, and silver. It’s a doomsday person’s dream image. All that fucking gold. We see a photo of Scott Syren. We see a photo of Andy Murray. We see a photo of The Big Bifford. We see a photo of D Double D. We see a photo of Silver Cyanide. And, most importantly, we see an image of MJ Bell. Next to MJ Bell’s image is a blank space~
Curt Canon: Oh man I can’t wait!!
Annie Alvarez: You deserve it, Curt. Your photo is going right there, I’ve already confirmed it with Marcus.
~Annie and Curt Canon are standing at the beginning of the corridor, looking down it. They are obviously at the OCW Hall of Fame. Some epic music begins to play. Music of the SAGES. It’s so epic it makes whatever Hans Zimmer is working on sound like crap. We anticipate them walking down the corridor…but, they do not~
Annie Alvarez: I always hoped I’d get my face up there one day. Maybe once my mission is finished. Maybe once I restore order to OCW. That’s got to be worth a spot, right?
Curt Canon: Uhh, sure…even though I don’t know what you’re talking about. Sounds pretty important though.
~They stand around. It’s kind of awkward. For some reason…this doesn’t feel right~
Annie Alvarez: Yep, the OCW Hall of Fame…there it is everyone. So prestigious…located in the US.
Curt Canon: The one thing former President Dean spared no expense on!
~Suddenly a giant body falls through the corridor. He tears through it and lands at the feet of Annie and Curt. Behind him is a kitchen. It becomes obvious we were looking at a GREEN SCREEN. The epic music comes to a halt. Annie sighs and lowers her head. Curt snaps his fingers, not really taking it all that seriously. He helps Syren up. Liljungleman is seated at the table, like a normal person, eating some Trix~
Curt Canon: You okay?
~The giant body stands up. It’s Scott Syren! He’s dressed in a yellow, bio hazard suit. It’s cumbersome and most likely the reason he fell through the green screen~
Annie Alvarez: Well, so much for that illusion. You don’t have to wear that, weirdo. Even if I had something like AIDS you wouldn’t catch it through the air. I told you to take it off and now look…you’ve shown everyone that OCW doesn’t actually HAVE a physical Hall of Fame.
Scott Syren: Haha…CLASSIC OCW, BABY!
~Syren shouts out his increasingly popular phrase. Liljungleman bounces up and down for some reason, probably because he IS classic OCW. Annie looks at Curt. He tears down the green screen and gets it out of the way, cleaning up her living room. She looks at Syren~
Annie Alvarez: Well, since that’s over. Can you visit the man upstairs?
Scott Syren: Fine.
~Annie and Canon follow Syren upstairs. The attic stairs are lowered. Slowly, he walks up them, trying not to trip over the suit. He murmurs~
Scott Syren: The fucking shit I do for this place
~Syren reaches the top and disappears in the attic. Annie and Canon look up for a few tense moments. Suddenly a blinding, heavenly light shines down upon them. They wince and cover their eyes…but they are truly in awe~
Annie Alvarez: Is that…is that…
Curt Canon: The man upstairs?!
Scott Syren: HOLY SHIT!
~They beam with the excitement of whimsical children~
Scott Syren: This light is really fucking bright. Like the brightest light I’ve ever seen. I’m going to turn it off, okay?
~There is a click and the light disappears. Annie and Curt are slightly disappointed. Syren yells out~
Scott Syren: Whoa!! The Man Upstairs!
~Annie and Canon fight to climb the steps, Annie wins. She peeks over the top~
Annie Alvarez: Oh my…are you kidding me? It was YOU all along? I should have figured…
Scott Syren: Shut up, crotch rot. Bring me some sheets, we’re gonna make this guy some cool clothing.
~Annie looks at Canon. He rushes to find some linens. Annie descends the steps as Syren and a voice we can’t make out joke around and share some stupid laughter. Annie’s phone rings. It reads ‘Marcus’. She smiles and enters a hallway restroom. She shuts the door and answers, quietly~
Annie Alvarez: Hey, what’s up? Oh…okay. Yea, I can do dinner. So you’re going to be IN Key West next week? It’s specifically FOR the Curt Canon Hall of Fame induction? Oh..okay…great…I’m so looking forward to seeing you! Yea, me too…bye!
~Annie hangs up and hurries out the bathroom door. Canon is already flying up the steps with nice linens~
Annie Alvarez: Guys! We got problems…Hey…are those my nice linens…get back here!
~She chases Canon up the ladder into the attic as we cut back to the ringside area~
Smith: More foolishness
Hood: Uhh, not really…Curt Canon is in the Hall of Fame and apparently God is living in Annie’s attic
Smith: It isn’t a higher power, Hood.
Hood: Could be Scruff…I mean he did get the night off, meaning he had to crash somewhere
Smith: I doubt it…but, regardless of MY feelings. We’re going to have a Curt Canon Hall of Fame induction next Monday. Sounds like our GM will be on hand for that
Hood: True…that’s something they didn’t expect. I’m not even sure Welsh knows Syren works here
Smith: There are a lot of things Welsh doesn’t know
Hood: CLASSIC OCW, BABY!
Smith: Right…let’s cut backstage once more before our controversial main event!
~ The camera fades backstage and you see "The Distinguished" CJ O'Donnell dressed in beige khakis pants and a white polo shirt with the OCW Tag Team Title around his waist as he is walking around backstage. He turns the corner and bumps into AKB who is obviously trying to talk to Who'Re about how it feels to be the number one interviewer in OCW but Who'Re is too busy admiring herself in the mirror. ~
AKB: Listen it is all about the type of questions you ask the person you are interviewing.
Who'Re: Absolutely not it is about the way you look for the camera. I have to make sure the girls are camera ready at all times.
~ As Who'Re adjust her breast as CJ just shakes his head at what he is listening to. ~
AKB: Here I'll prove it to you ... CJ ... Excuse me ... Mister O'Donnell ..."
~ CJ continues to ignore him as he walks down the long corridor. AKB obviously frustrated as Who'Re laughs at him. ~
Who'Re: I'll show you how it is done AKB. Hey Distinguished One ...
~ CJ turns around and Who'Re flashes a smile at him and she squeezes her arms together so more clevage is seen. CJ obviously is frustrated over something but he walks back to Who'Re. ~
CJ O'Donnell: What do you want?
Who'Re: Well I wanted to know if the rumors are true are you off the market?
~ CJ looks at Who'Re a bit puzzled before AKB fires a question at him. ~
AKB: Don't mind Who'Re she gets a bit distracted by a lot of men. So I wanna know what do The Aptitude have planned for tonight since all of you guys are off?
~ The Distinguished scratches his head and looks at AKB then looks back at Who'Re and finally into the camera. ~
CJ O'Donnell: You two both suck at your job. Who'Re your name describes you to a fucking tee and AKB you look like you just came out of Treat Cassidy's locker room. By the way, whip your mouth you have something above you upper lip.
~ As AKB goes to wipe his upper lip CJ points at him. ~
CJ O'Donnell: Glad you came out of the closet. Now to answer both your ridiculous questions. CJ O'Donnell is never off the market until he says he is. And secondly don't worry about what The Aptitude has planned for tonight just continue to watch Massacre as we will continue to have a MAJOR impact tonight. Now have you ...
~ CJ points to Who'Re. ~
CJ O'Donnell: Saggy tits or you ...
~ He then points to AKB. ~
CJ O'Donnell: Backstreet Boy ... Have either of you seen Alice Knight.
~ AKB and Who'Re look at each other and shake their heads no and by the look on CJ's face he does not look happy. ~
CJ O'Donnell: Great just fucking great. Maybe I should have listened to TIO Alice Knight has just stood me up. She better have a better good fucking reason for this. No one stands up CJ. She better be dead or kidnapped. So Alice if you are watching this the sooner you contact me the better off you will be.
~ CJ flips off the camera as he continues his search for the OCW Champion, Alice Knight. Who'Re and AKB look at one another. ~
AKB: What is wrong with listening to I Want It That Way.
Who'Re: My tits aren't sagging I just spent sixty dollars on this Victoria Secret bra. And, besides, the crowd seemed to love them.
~There is no argument from AKB as we cut back to ringside~
Smith: YES! Alice apparently stood CJ up...there's hope for her yet!
Hood: She's pure evil man, I keep telling you. I mean who stands someone up without any kind of excuse, no matter how flimsy?
Smith: You like flimsy excuses?
Hood: They beat the shit out of radio silence
Smith: Well I think Alice has had a change of heart. I think she's been looking to her owl heads...her ants...and possibly even her cats and realized that she isn't some arbitrary piece of eye candy. She's Alice Knight, the most unique, creative, and likable female competitor in wrestling history.
Hood: I can buy unique.
Smith: Well, that's a start. Alright folks...it's time to find out what Treat Cassidy has up his sleeve to provide a Paradigm Championship match to his star client, Chad Vargas.
Hood: I can tell you this...whatever they have planned, management will be ready
Smith: It should be interesting...let's head down to ringside!
Last Man Standing
”The Confederate Icon” Chad Vargas (1-1) vs. Caution (0-2)
Predator: It is now time for our Main Event! This is a Last Man Standing match…Chad Vargas must keep Caution down for ten seconds if he wishes to receive an OCW Paradigm Championship match against The Incredible One at Like There’s No Tomorrow.
~Lunch horn is heard going off loudly as "Hard Workin' Man" by Brooks 'N Dunn hits, Caution walks out with a rollie cigarette hanging from his lips. Treat Cassidy is alongside. He’s talking instructions into Caution’s ear. Caution slowly walks down the ramp to the ring. He wears cut off jean shorts and a black tank top reading "Work 'em boys" and black work boots. He climbs into the ring takes a drag from his cig and drops it to the mat, squashing it with his boot. Treat claps his hand ten times while pointing at the mat. Caution nods along. He doesn’t look enthusiastic but seems ready to do his job~
Predator: Introducing first, from Hell’s Basement, New York…standing 5’11 and weighing in at 275lbs…Caution!!
~The opening chords of Lynyrd Skynyd’s “Needle and the Spoon” controls the sound system as a voice over shouts ‘King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” as “The Confederate Icon” Chad Vargas emerges onto the ramp, his arms raised in the air. He takes a few steps forward as orange, blue, and white pyros blast from behind him. Vargas turns, eyes wide as he smirks reveling in his entrance. He slowly struts down the aisle, mouthing obscenities to the crowd on his way by as they boo him. Once he reaches the ring, he slowly climbs up the steal steps and into the ring. Going to the furthest turnbuckle, he climbs up to the second rung, raises his arms in the air, still mouthing obscenities as he jumps down onto the mat, getting ready to lay down his opponent with his infamous country fried ass whoopin’~
Predator: And his opponent, from Everclear County, Tennessee…standing 6’4 and weighing in at 245lbs…”The Confederate Icon” Chad Vargas!!!
~Predator moves toward Vargas. Vargas raises a right fist. Predator turns toward Caution. Caution raises a right fist. Predator throws his hands up, nods, and exits the ring feeling less than satisfied. Treat walks over to Vargas and begins conferring with his most famous client~
Smith: Awkward situation here, Hood. It’s obvious our management team aren’t fans of personal relationships. Last week we saw a divide created between Alice and the Dravers…this week, it’s team Cassidy.
Hood: I just hope they don’t try and come between The Aptitude…those guys are closer than anybody.
Smith: Yea, I doubt that. They aren’t closer than twins.
Hood: Hey, when have you seen Meyhu kick TIO or CJ in the face? That’s right, NEVER
~Vargas shakes his head, sharing Caution’s level of fondness with the situation. Treat goes over it one more time, making Chad look him in the eyes. Finally, Chad nods and looks over at Caution. Treat gets a nod from both men before exiting and standing at ringside. Chad walks up and shakes Caution’s hand. He then extends his finger and pokes Caution in the chest. Caution falls to his back like he’s been shot. Gruff stands over Caution and says, “Pussy”. He then begins to count~
1!
2!
Smith: Well this was one heck of a main event
Hood: What did you expect? Chad Vargas is FINALLY listening to reason
Smith: Not to mention that check Treat wrote Caution
3!
4!
Hood: Money talks, Smith. It’s the only way a man can reason with a woman…hand her some money.
Smith: That’s a bit sexist…we apologize to our female audience.
Hood: Fuck them…they got their MJ Bell versus Alice Knight match
5!
6!
Smith: And it appears they are going to get Chad Vargas and The Incredible One
Hood: Treat really is a terrible manager. Can’t he put Vargas in a feud the guy can actually win?
Smith: He’s a former OCW Champion, Hood. He’s more than capable of defeating The Incredible One
7!
8!
Eastern European: No more count! Stop right now!
~EE stands at the top of the ramp. He kind of slouches forward, sloppily, with his hand on his hip~
Eastern European: This crazy. He no knock out. Knife man! Get to ring and look him up and down. Make sure he for real asleep for ten second before Vargas get win. Hurry!
~The Knife Man emerges from behind the curtain and slowly stalks his way to the ring. Fans seems to be nervous of his chilly demeanor. Or it could be the giant knife in his left hand. He walks up the steps and through the ropes. He kneels next to Caution as Vargas looks down at Treat. Treat seems ready to explode…but decides to let this play out~
Smith: It seems as though the Eastern European was told to keep an eye on this match.
Hood: Are you saying he didn’t come up with this on his own?
Smith: That’s exactly what I’m saying
Hood: I didn’t know you were so racist against people from the east.
Smith: How is that defined, exactly? East from where? Technically anybody could be from the east.
Hood: Well, not people from West Virginia
Smith: That is so stupid…it’s late, go to bed
~The Knife Man checks Caution’s pulse. He then takes his knife and brings it near Cautions throat. Vargas steps forward, Treat grabs his foot. Vargas pauses, but remains ready. The knife touches the throat of Caution. His eyes flutter…he’s doing that ‘fake closed eye’ thing kids do. He spots The Knife Man and yelps. The Knife Man slowly removes the knife. Caution sits up and backs away. The Knife Man nods in Gruff’s direction. Gruff grumbles and motions for the match to continue. Cassidy blows up. He hops onto the apron and enters through the ropes, yelling at Gruff~
Smith: What was our medic doing?
Hood: Using his knife to fix Caution and…it worked!
Smith: If I ever get sick…I don’t care how sick…just, please, leave me alone. Take me anywhere but backstage.
Hood: You do know our medical only covers procedures and evaluations done by OCW staff
Smith: This really is the worst job in the world
~Gruff stands composed, unmoving. He nods in EE’s direction. Treat turns and heads for the ropes facing EE. He yells up the ramp as EE can’t hear him~
Eastern European: I no understand. You too quiet. Match continue!
~EE exits before Treat can get a mic. Vargas tries to calm his manager down. He mentions just having the match. Treat argues against it. Caution keeps an eye on The Knife Man. The Knife Man just sort of looks out…it’s impossible to tell who or what he’s looking at. But his knife is sharp~
Smith: Wedged between and rock and a hard place
Hood: Hopefully they are made of paper
Smith: And why is that
Hood: So they can cover rock…if they are scissors, they are fucked
Smith: Not where I was going…but Treat doesn’t want Vargas and Caution to beat the hell out of each other. He’s trying to find an easy way out of this…but it doesn’t appear that any are available.
Hood: You know what, fuck it. Vargas loves to fight. Caution loves to fight. It’s almost as though they are related. I’d say let them go at it…this is wrestling, after all.
~Treat walks up to The Knife Man. He tries negotiating with him. The Knife Man turns it down saying that he’s straight as an arrow and would never take a bribe. He does mention that Treat could donate some money to five of his favorite charities, if he wanted. Treat ignores the suggestion. He is struck with an idea. He walks over to Caution and whispers into his ear. Caution groans but nods. Treat then talks to Chad. Chad mimics Caution’s reaction. The two men meet in the middle and lock up~
Smith: Here we go! Finally, something we can call a main event!
Hood: These two will beat the hell out of each other…they only know one speed and that is balls to the ceiling
Smith: I think it’s wall.
Hood: Sure, if you’re a pussy. The ceiling is higher, harder to reach.
Smith: Is that really what you’re aiming for…like, now that I’m thinking about it, what does that saying even mean?
Hood: I just think people say it to sound badass or whatever…I’m not sure any man alive without some weird ass fetish would want their balls against a wall.
~Vargas whips Caution into the ropes. Caution bounces off…Chad throws a clothesline, Caution ducks and he sprints and hits the ropes again…Chad goes for another clothesline…again Caution ducks and hits the ropes. Caution is running really hard. He ducks a few more clotheslines, continuing to run at full speed. He suddenly clenches his chest and his eyes widen. He stumbles around the ring before collapsing. The fans freak out with some screams sounding out. One guy who may or may not be Captain Obvious yells “He’s having a heart attack!”~
Smith: Oh my!
Hood: No shit, I just looked up balls to the wall. It says right here that it is a term used by pilots. When accelerating quickly, the throttle is pushed all the way to the panel and the throttle lever (ball) actually touches the panel (wall). Hence, balls to the wall.
Smith: Irrelevant but informative…so, I guess, a positive bit of commentary
Hood: Yea but not nearly as informative as mentioning the fucking heart attack OCW’s in ring grandfather is having.
Smith: He’s not that old
Hood: Society is out of control, Smith. I’ve met a 23 year old grandfather before. Caution may very well be a great, great, great, great, great grandfather. He is from Hell’s Basement...wherever the fuck that is.
~The Knife Man walks and kneels next to Caution. He checks on the man’s apparent ailing heart. Caution is selling this very well. The Knife Man runs his lone utensil…a knife, across the throat of Caution. He then slides the tip around Caution’s ear. He has an idea. He heads over to Caution’s feet. Gruff meanwhile, reaches a ten count~
Smith: Well that’s ten…if The Knife Man deems that Caution is legitimately out, Vargas wins.
Hood: I wonder if that 22 year old grandfather is watching this…
Smith: Will you shut up about these ridiculously young grandparents that don’t exist?
Hood: Geez…it’s not my fault that this generation is so fucking impatient. How about those millennials, huh?
Smith: Not funny
~The Knife Man removes Caution’s shoe. He begins to tickle the bottom of Caution’s foot with the edge of his knife. Caution remains still…but there’s a definite vibe that says he’s trying very hard not to move. Finally, he spasms. The Knife Man stands up and nods, calmly. He turns to Gruff. Gruff groans again and motions for the match to continue~
Smith: This is getting nowhere…perhaps these two really should just fight
Hood: Gee, what a novel fucking concept. Two guys booked in a wrestling match…wrestling
Smith: You know it goes deeper than that
Hood: As deep as that blade?
Smith: That is a deep blade
~Treat has had it. He argues with Gruff. He then argues with The Knife Man. The Knife Man apologizes profusesly, sorry for the state Treat is in. He’s really nice about the whole thing. His blade glistens in the arena lights. Caution puts his shoe back on and stands up. Treat’s chest is heaving from all the arguing. He walks over to Caution and Chad and begins a conversation~
Smith: Might need to speed this up….it isn’t getting any earlier
Hood: No shit, by the time this is over I’LL be somebody’s grandfather
Smith: Well, let’s hope that doesn’t happen
~”Lean Back” by Fat Joe hits. Vargas, Treat, and Caution all look up the ramp way. TIO, with his Paradigm Title, stands atop the platform. Meyhu and O’Donnell join him, at each side. The trio make their way to the ring. Vargas is livid…he motions for them to come forward. Treat tries to keep him back. Caution appears ready as well. Treat pushes Caution back alongside Vargas, against the ropes furthest from the ramp. Aptitude wastes no time in getting to the ring. All three members hop onto the apron. They enter, staring down Treat and his two clients. The Knife Man exits the ring, feeling kind of uneasy about the violent situation~
Smith: Uh oh…
Hood: Looks like Aptitude is about to make a decision for these guys
Smith: I’m afraid you’re right
Hood: And it looks like The Knife Man’s job is done. I hear he abhors violence.
Smith: That should surprise me…but it doesn’t.
~All three members move toward Caution. Caution backs into a corner with Treat in front of him. They suddenly turn and attack Vargas! They throw punches at Vargas who stumbles into his own corner, trying to cover up. They club him in the back with forearms. Vargas falls to one knee, taking a beating. Treat runs his hand through his hair, realizing what they are doing~
Smith: I should have known!! They are trying to knock Vargas out to keep The Incredible One from having to face him!
Hood: That’s genius!
Smith: Treat Cassidy didn’t see this coming…he’s got to think of something, and fast
Hood: Too fucking late…and he’s out like ten grand…sucks for him
~Caution rushes in without Treat’s urging. Treat, instinctively, tries to hold him back. But it’s too late, the wily old man jumps on Meyhu’s back. Meyhu staggers near the center of the ring. O’Donnell, sensing Meyhu being pulled away turns around and goes to help. He pulls Caution off Meyhu’s back. Caution kicks O’Donnell in the groin!! He then kicks Meyhu in the groin. Caution sees the Paradigm Title. TIO dropped it while beating up Vargas. He picks it up and looks to nail both Meyhu and O’Donnell with it~
Smith: Go Caution Go!!
Hood: Where are the tag belts?
Smith: I’m guessing Meyhu and O’Donnell didn’t see the point in bringing them out. The lighter you are, the quicker you can fight.
Hood: Are you calling TIO a slow dumbass?
Smith: No, I just think he’s so arrogant that he wouldn’t take a shower without his Paradigm Championship
Hood: Why the fuck is THAT image in your head, man?
Smith: I…I don’t know
~TIO turns around to check on his partners. Vargas is on all fours. He sees Caution with his title and flips out. He rushes in and pulls the title away from Caution. Caution turns around, facing TIO but placing his back to Meyhu and O’Donnell. Meyhu gets to his feet and he elbows Caution in the back of the head. O’Donnell runs into the ropes. He leaps through the air and drills Caution in the back of the head with Irish Knowledge! Cassidy hurries to Vargas and pulls him out of the ring~
Smith: Treat thinking on his feet!
Hood: Man, I can’t believe Chad Vargas is running away from Aptitude
Smith: He’s not running away…I think Treat sees an opportunity here. I mean, not a great opportunity…but an opportunity never the less.
Hood: Is he going to tell Vargas to watch The Aptitude work…maybe learn him a few things?
Smith: Absolutely not
~Meyhu grabs Caution by his old, stringy hair and pulls him to his feet. He and CJ grab hold of an arm, keeping Caution from falling back to the mat. The old man’s eyes are half open…he’s pretty looped from O’Donnell’s Irish Knowledge. He looks at TIO who has his Paradigm Title in his grasp. TIO starts to talk trash to Caution about holding his title. The Paradigm Champion isn’t fucking around, he’s furious. Treat has managed to pull Vargas around the ring, near the ramp. TIO lunges forward drills Caution in the face with the title. Caution falls to the mat, on his face~
Smith: Ugh, brutal
Hood: Nice to know those titles are good for something
Smith: They are merely for recognition, Hood, nothing else.
Hood: Also good to know TIO showers with his…can wipe all that Caution stink off of it…and, whatever blood I’m sure is to come.
~Gruff looks over at The Knife Man, who is observing from ringside. He’s leaning up against the barricade where several fans with ringside seats have backed away. The Knife Man has his head tilted downward, finding the violent scene hard to watch. But he does signal Gruff an ‘okay’ hand gesture. Gruff begins to count. Just as he does, CJ and Meyhu pull Caution up and re-establish their former grip. TIO holds the title up and looks at Caution, who is clearly knocked out. The fans boo loudly, yelling “YOU SUCK!” at TIO. He revels in the hate~
Smith: They are going to hurt the OCW veteran
Hood: You mean the LIFE veteran
Smith: Technically you’re correct but that makes him sound so old
Hood: Because he is old…he probably fucked all four golden girls
Smith: Eww
Hood: Don’t Bea hatin on Arthur
~Vargas can’t take it anymore. He shoves Treat aside. Treat frantically motions toward the back. Mack O’Connor and Mack Hollywood rush down. Together, they grab Vargas and pull him up the ramp. Vargas tries to fight them off but Treat yells at him and tells him something along the lines of, “I know it sucks, but there’s nothing we can do.” Vargas yells, “Yes we can, I can go in there and kick their ass!” Treat lowers his voice and speaks at a volume we can’t hear. There is a loud thud in the ring. Caution is lying on his face with blood beginning to leak out from underneath. A red blotch is visible on the face of TIO’s Paradigm Championship. The boos increase~
Smith: Lesser of two evils…if Vargas goes down there, he’s going to get beat up.
Hood: So I guess the Double Macks aren’t going to help?
Smith: What would be the point? It would cost Vargas his shot. This way…this is the only way they can truly win.
Hood: So it’s like a blood sacrifice?
Smith: In a way, I suppose
~Gruff counts as The Knife Man can take no more. He nearly dry heaves before hurrying backstage. TIO thinks about grabbing Caution but looks at his title. He shakes his head, seeing that it’s been soiled. He steps back and, along with Meyhu and O’Donnell, allows Gruff to count~
1!
2!
3!
4!
Smith: Academic at this point
Hood: Man, no wonder Caution can’t win any matches…who knew academics would be involved
5!
6!
7!
8!
Smith: I just don’t see why people can’t be on the same playing field around here. This was clearly set up to screw with Cassidy and his group.
Hood: Dude threatened to sue the owner of the company his clients work for…did he think he was gonna get a fucking fruit basket?
9!
10!!!!
~The bell rings. The fans boo vociferously~
Predator: Here is your winner…and the man who will face The Incredible One at Like There’s No Tomorrow for the OCW Paradigm Championship….”THE CONFEDERATE ICON” CHAD VARGAS!!!!!
~TIO takes the mic from Predator. He wipes it off on his pants, followed by the palm holding it and speaks while staring up the ramp at Vargas, who is being restrained at the top by the two Macks. Treat is at his side, looking on with fear and slight regret in his eyes~
TIO: Vargas! You wouldn’t lay down for your buddy? Well, this is what happens. Your pride, your arrogance, your ego got your friend massacred tonight. How does that feel?
~TIO turns and stomps on the back of Caution’s head, further smashing his face into the mat~
TIO: I hope it was worth it, Vargas. You got your hopeless title shot. You got your rematch against me. I hope that’s enough because all you’re going to get from me the rest of the way is the ass kicking of your life.
~TIO, with his back to Caution, casually thrusts his heel into Caution’s body. It’s impactful but more of a dick move than anything else~
TIO: But…seeing as how I’m being so gracious in allowing you another shot at my Paradigm Championship, it would only be fair if I were provided the option to name the stipulation. We won’t be competing in the OCW Arena…
~The fans chant “Cube! Cube!”~
TIO: And I won’t be competing in The Cube. That’s for my pal, CJ. He’ll have no trouble making The Cube famous against Mack O’Connor. Chad, we will be brawling along the streets of Key West in, what I like to call…A St. Patty's Day Pub Crawl Brawl.
~The crowd cheers because the match sounds pretty dang awesome~
Smith: A pub crawl brawl? He’s ruining our Paradigm Title!
Hood: No he’s not, he’s breathing some life into it. Who wants to see scientific wrestling when you can watch two guys beat the shit out of each other in a brawl?
Smith: I do!
Hood: And that’s why you’re alone…bad life decisions, Smith.
TIO: I feel like there’s more I could say but…why waste the breath.
~TIO turns around and throws the mic at the back of Caution’s head. It’s a direct hit. He, Meyhu and CJ stomp away on Caution’s body with Vargas being restrained by Hollywood and O’Connor. Treat looks on with concern, feeling torn.~
Smith: Well, it’s official…Chad Vargas and TIO for the Paradigm Championship in a St. Patty's Day Pub Crawl Brawl!
Hood: Fuck yes! Let’s do it NOW
Smith: Uhh no, we cannot
Hood: Why not?
Smith: Because STARZ new show labeled “Naked Nympho Bloodthirsty Vikings” debuts right now!
Hood: Ohhh…that sounds almost as good
Smith: I’ll pass…folks, one week from tonight we will be bringing you OCW’s first mega event of 2017…Like There’s No Tomorrow will see every title defended…the return of the Oh Shit Contract and a Massacre Rules match…it’s going to have a pitoval impact on OCW moving forward. Be sure not to miss the action!
Hood: I’m going on a bender starting right now so the week flies by
Smith: Whatever works, just make sure you show up in working condition or…ya know what, don’t. Jones would be a great broadcast colleague
Hood: Nah, that guy is worse than you. I’ll be in rare form…ready to go!
Smith: great. See you guys on Monday!
~We fade to black with a final image of Cassidy looking on in anger with Vargas and O'Connor as TIO, Meyhu, and O'Donnell lay waste to Caution with their boots~