Monday, March 20th 2017 in the AM
~We cut to the parking lot for the OCW Arena. People are tailgating, talking about wrestling and getting excited for the late afternoon/early evening event. There is a lot across the street that can be used for extra parking. As for now, it’s filled with small carnival type events. Jones, OCW’s forgotten third man, is walking around with a camera crew in close pursuit. He’s taking in all the activities. To the left is a ‘Guess Your Weight’ station. Owl is Night dolls are the prize. A OCW crew member is quickly cutting open a few more boxes as the stash is running low. Detective Jack Puffer is working as the weight guesser~
Jones: Hey guys! Welcome to a special Like There’s No Tomorrow Pre-Show!! While all the stars set to compete tonight are busy getting ready a few of our less fortunate roster members are out here helping out with a pre-show party type deal. Outside we are having a local carnival for everyone who arrived early from out of town. Inside we are having a TALENT COMPETITION with contracts ready to be offered to anybody who impresses the judges. The judges, by the way, are Who’Re, AKB, and Harold the Historian. In order to receive a contract, the participant must receive three yesses. So we’ll check in on that in a moment…but first, look over here at Jack Puffer with a very popular game…guess a person’s weight!
~A young boy walks up. He’s not athletic, but not fat either…just your standard, normal kid. Puffer goes through an elaborate routine before pondering for a moment~
Jack Puffer: Yea, I’m gonna go with two hundred and twenty pounds.
Kid: One hundred and ten!
~The kid is very proud to have won. He receives an owl doll. Puffer snaps his fingers and calls the next person up. It’s an average sized female in her thirties~
Jack Puffer: Three hundred and…
~SMACK!!! Puffer is jacked right in the face by the humiliated, puce faced woman. She takes her owl doll and storms off. Her boyfriend repeatedly assures her that she does not look fat. We focus back on Jones as Puffer shakes off the flush strike and continues guessing weights~
Jones: As you can see everybody out here is having a GREAT time! Now, let’s head inside for a look at the talent competition!
~A stage has been erected where the wrestlers normally come out. It’s been extended to give the character’s room to perform. A table sits near where the ring normally resides. Harold, AKB, and Who’Re are all relaxed and watching with intensity. There are buzzers in front of them…three giant X’s are on the Tron. They light up when each buzzer is hit and sounds. An itchy man emerges. He’s got a bright smile on his face and infectious enthusiasm. AKB nods and looks at Who’Re who says, “Promising.” The guy scratches at his arms a few times~
AKB: Hey man…what’s your name and what is your talent?
Fun Guy: Hey! My name is Fun Guy and, well, I’m a really fun guy! People love being around me. I’ve always been told I should be on television because of my fun disposition.
AKB: Alright then, let’s see it.
~Fun Guy starts doing all kinds of fun things. AKB and Who’Re smile, finding the guy endearing. The crowd claps along with his fun antics. Harold leans back, far more discerning. The guy KEEPS scratching. Harold leans forward~
Harold the Historian: Excuse me Fun Guy…I’m sorry to cut you short but why on earth are you scratching so much?
Fun Guy: Oh, that’s because I have a strange skin fungus that won’t go away. Don’t worry though, it isn’t contagious.
~AKB, Who’Re and Harold all trade disgusted looks. The crowd kinda groans. An attendant near the stage suddenly scratches her neck. The three judges instantly hit their buzzers~
Jones: Well that didn’t go so well…hopefully the other eager contestants make a better impression. As for me I’m over here investigating a tough situation. It turns out our Ferris Wheel has broken down. Some people are stuck up there pretty high…
~We look up and see a few couples using the unexpected private time to make out hardcore~
Jones: Alright then…I guess THEY aren’t scared…but I’m sure some people are. Like, look at this mother over here?
~Some mother seems really concerned. She keeps asking if it will be broken down long enough for her to run off and buy a pack of Newports before her young daughter is helped off~
Jones: I think a mechanic should be on his way shortly…
~A giant, menacing figure barrels through Jones, knocking him to the ground. He apologizes profusely before heading to the control box. It's The Knife Man! People look on. The young employee running the Ferris Wheel tries explaining what happened. The Knife Man suddenly pulls out his GIANT knife, high above his head. Everybody shrieks. He then dives down, into the control box. The Ferris Wheel instantly starts working again. The crowd collects their composure and claps for the man~
The Knife Man: Why thank you all so much. It was nothing, really. It’s my pleasure to help those in need. I hope this inconvenience didn’t CUT into your afternoon too terribly much.
~The Knife Man stands over Jones and helps him to his feet. As he does his knife slashes around a bit, coming way too close to Jones’ ear. Jones gets to his feet and backs away, thanking The Knife Man. We then cut back inside for another audition~
AKB: Ugh, what a terrible idea this was. There’s way more talent at that BYOB bottomless strip club five miles down the road.
Who’Re: Gah-ross, Alpha! They probably have that fun guy disease all over them
Harold the Historian: You know, I never understood the term “Gentleman’s Club” seems like an oxymoron to me. Should be “Scoundrel’s Club”…that’s just my two cents. Oh, hey…a new contestant!
~Annie Alvarez steps onto stage. AKB looks confused~
AKB: Umm, haven’t I seen you before?
Who’Re: That’s Annie Alvarez, Alpha!
~AKB still doesn’t seem to understand who that is. Annie smiles and speaks out. Harold leans in, very interested as she is somewhat of a historical figure~
Annie Alvarez: Hey guys! I have a friend interested in accompanying me to the ring…they’re a little shy. So be patient…PLETHORA!
~A giant figure wearing all black steps out. Its face is covered. The individual has to be nearly 6’7 in height. Not much fat but quite muscular. It stands next to Annie and puts its head down. It folds its hands in front of its stomach…its posture is very much one filled with nerves~
Annie Alvarez: This is Plethora the Perilous.
~Annie steps back as Plethora doesn’t move. The crowd seems confused by its demeanor. AKB ruffles his brow and looks at Who’Re. Harold scratches his chin~
Harold the Historian: I’ve heard of this guy. He made a few appearances for OCW back in a 2010, I believe. He’s got tremendous presence.
Who’Re: I sense a sort of dark charisma as well…Alpha?
AKB: Plethora…I’m afraid you might be a little too loud. I think if you toned down the act just a bit, it might be better. But otherwise…I think I like what I see.
~The judges look at one another…Harold starts first with the voting~
Harold the Historian: I’m gonna give you a yes, Plethora.
Who’Re: You’re getting a yes from me as well, I’m enjoying this more and more!
AKB: Hmm…again, I’m not quite sure how this offensive attire and loud posture is going to affect audiences. ~The crowd yells in favor of Plethora~ But someone gave me a shot once so…alright kid. Plethora…you’ve got three yesses!
~The crowd cheers loudly for Plethora! Annie grabs the giant by the hand and leads it offstage. The three judges talk amongst themselves. Harold says, “I think he could really be something.” Who’Re replies, “He really took command of that stage.” AKB nods, “That could be our next future star.” We cut back to the carnival outside~
Jones: Well how about that! We have a new character and I guess that person is going to team with Annie Alvarez! Tremendous news! Anyway…I’m here with some fans looking to gather predictions on tonight’s show…
~Jones walks over to a female fan in her mid-twenties. She’s very serious and wearing a very gender neutral colored shirt with “OCW” on the front~
Jones: You must be SUPER excited about the Alice Knight/MJ Bell match for the OCW Title, aren’t you little lady? How about a prediction?
Feminist Fan: EXCUSE ME? And why is that, EXACTLY? Is it because I happen to have tits and a vagina?
Jones: Uhh…I don’t really know what to say here…which match ARE you looking forward to?
Feminist Fan: I want to see the Massacre Rules match…the way those two were deprived of that stipulation a few weeks back reminds me of the suffrages women have faced for generations. I hope they steal the show!
Jones: Terrific…moving along…you over there…what match are you looking forward to and why?
~A very strange looking man is standing off by himself. He’s got a replica of the OCW Title over his shoulder. He starts speaking in a tone he believes to be menacing but is super lame~
Delusional Fan: The Incredible One and Chad Vargas are going to brawl on the streets of Key West. I can’t wait for it. I’ve been down a long time. But now I’ve returned to an OCW event. I hope you remember me, Vargas. That time I stood in the stands and you bumped into me, knocking my soda over. I haven’t forgotten. I’m back now and I’m looking for revenge. So, Vargas, if you’ve got the guts…
Jones: Whoa, WHOA! We are not going to have fans cutting promos like they are wrestlers. For the love of God, man. Okay, who is next…ah, you over there…you seem pretty normal…what match are you looking forward to and why?
Normal Fan: Aww thanks, Jones. I really think Mack O’Connor and CJ O’Donnell steal the show. That match, inside The Cube…it’s gonna OWN! Fuck yea!
Jones: Alright…that’s more of what I was looking for. Minus the unnecessary swearing…let’s extend this to one more fan. Oh, here’s an interesting looking character…you sir, who are you hoping to see and…oh NO!!
~A hooded figure stands upright. The hood is thrust back and it’s TOMMY FLAMER!!! He pulls out some lighter fluid and splashes it all over his body~
Jones: No Tommy, NO! We’ve come a long way since the Flamer days…you were Tommy Crimson last I remember…there’s no need for this! There are children around for heaven’s sake!
~Nothing can stop Tommy Flamer when he’s in the mood to GET HIMSELF OVER. Covered in lighter fluid, he unearths a a cheap gas station lighter. He rolls the wheel back, produces a flame and touches his arm with it…WHOOOSH!!! The man is suddenly ablaze! People scream as he runs around yelling “AHHH!!” Jones whistles with his two fingers for help. A few stand by firefighters who are there due to state regulations hustle over with extinguishers. They quickly get Tommy Flamer put out. He’s lying on the ground, smoldering. Jones stands over the man, shaking his head. A couple of overweight, sloppy, anti-social geeks walk up. One of them is on a leash~
Jones: Ahh, you guys must be a part of the cleaning crew. Could you remove him please, before any more children spot his charred body?
Effeminate Sounding Man: Umm, excuse me Mr Gentleman. But I am here for the talent competition, alongside is my partner…the Fat Ogre.
Fat Ogre: I will FUCK YOU UP
Effeminate Sounding Man: Sorry about that. He gets a little fired up when he’s around people.
Jones: Right, well the talent competition is inside.
Effeminate Sounding Man: I run the baddest efed on the internet. I think my skills as an owner are what OCW is looking for. I really hope they hire me so I can be apart of something truly creative and special.
Jones: Yea, okay…don’t care. Quit bothering me with this nonsense…just head on inside.
~The Badass Efed owner drags Fat Ogre into the OCW Arena via the dog leash. We cut to the stage. They step out with AKB, Who’Re, and Harold giving them intense looks. AKB leans in and whispers to Who’Re, “As if this shit couldn’t get any worse.” Who’Re chuckles, “Haha, I know, right?”~
AKB: Hello, welcome to the OCW Talent Show
Badass Efed Owner: We are so happy to be here!
AKB: Umm, hah…sorry, I don’t mean to laugh…but you kind of sound like a woman. Or, a very soft man.
Badass Efed Owner: My testicles never fully dropped. It’s a medical condition…but it won’t stop me from being super cool and entertaining, I promise you. We rode the Greyhound bus all the way down here…I could only afford one ticket so Ogre sat in my lap…he’s really heavy and stinky.
~The badass efed owner is breathing and wheezing hard into the mic. He’s also sweating. People in the audience fear he might have a heart attack ~
AKB: Yea, right well you do know you’re going to be on TV and, no offense…but sounding and looking like you two do…I just don’t see it. You’re disgusting and, quite frankly an embarrassment.
~Badass Efed Owner gets all sassy and places his right hand on his hip~
Badass Efed Owner: I will have you know that I run a fed called Super Serious Wrestling with Twitter and it’s the baddest fed in the world! We will totally demolish OCW!
AKB: What the hell are you talking about?
Badass Efed Owner: Efed…an internet wrestling organization where we spend numerous hours pretending to be professional wrestlers…
~AKB, Who’Re, and Harold are laughing uproariously. Badass Efed Owner is dragged away as Fat Ogre yells obscenities. AKB looks to Who’Re with tears in his eyes, “Holy shit…were those guys for real?” Who’Re nods, subduing her laughter, “I think so…poor guys, I feel sorry for them.” Harold finishes his laughter, “I’ve heard of those before. They are actually pretty fun as long as people don’t take them TOO seriously.” AKB, “Like those weirdos?” Harold, “EXACTLY.” They continue to laugh. Someone else walks out, a new, final contestant~
AKB: Oh please, I don’t think we can take anymore after that previous duo.
Who’Re: Oh come on, Alpha. Nothing can be as humiliating as what we just witnessed.
AKB: Well he is the final contestant.
Who’Re: Hello sir, how are you?
~The man, middle aged, moderately dressed, looks at Who’Re. He has well-groomed brown hair and wears glasses. He gives off the impression that he’s extremely organized~
Man: I AM FINE
~The judges all lean back. AKB looks at Who’Re…who in turn looks at Harold. Harold leans in and speaks~
Harold the Historian: Could you state your name and talent, please…
Man: CAPTAIN JAMES RODERICK SLOCK.
~Harold fishes out both his ears to stop the ringing. He looks across Who’Re at AKB. Who’Re is covering her ears with her hands~
AKB: And, umm, what’s your talent?
Captain Slock: I’M A WEB CONTENT EDITOR FOR FOX NEWS. I SPECIALIZE IN WEBSCLUSIVES. I ALSO AM HANDY WITH COMPUTER ISSUES.
AKB: Right. And why should we consider hiring you and, well, that crazy loud voice you have.
Captain Slock: ALL I CAN DO IS TELL YOU MY STORY. I’M A FORMER US NAVY CAPTAIN WHO SERVED ON GUNSHIPS, SO I WORKED AROUND THE BIG GUNS ALL THE TIME. LATER I WENT ON TO TRAIN NEW RECRUITS IN THE USE OF BIG GUNS. CONSTANT EXPOSURE TO THE HEAVY GUNS CAUSED MASSIVE HEARING LOSS. I SUCCESSFULLY SUED THE NAVY FOR FAILING TO SWAP ME AWAY FROM HEAVY GUN DUTY BEFORE THE HEARING LOSS SET IN. I USED THE SETTLEMENT MONEY TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR WEB DESIGN.
~Everyone in the arena is covering their ears. AKB winces and continues~
AKB: That’s fantastic but I don’t see any reason why we should hire you…
Captain Slock: WELL, MY FRIENDS CALL ME CAP SLOCK.
~The place ERUPTS WITH CHEERS. AKB, Who’Re, and Harold leap to their feet and give the man a standing ovation. Cap Slock smiles~
Harold the Historian: Well, you’re certainly getting a yes from me!
Who’Re: Make that two!
AKB: Caps Lock…
Cap Slock: IT’S CAP SLOCK, SIR.
AKB: Right, sorry. I may not know the names and faces of the people wrestling in this organization. I may smoke too much. I may not take my job as seriously as I should. And, yea, I may not know all fifty states or more than ten state capitals. I may not be able to recite more than five US president’s names. And I probably couldn’t tell you who our allies were in World War 2. But I do know one thing…I know that you my friend, are a star. You’ve got three yesses.
~The place goes wild! “CAP! SLOCK!” chants dominate. The man smiles and waves at the judges and fans. It’s a true feel good moment. AKB looks at Harold and Who’Re, “Now that’s entertainment. That’s creativity.” Harold and Who’Re totally agree. We fade out~
~The lyrics to Margaritaville play in the darkness. We cut to the main bar at the Margaritaville Hotel and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip. Jimmy Buffet is pounding back a LANDSHARK beer. OCW Hall of Famer and former Champion, Lurrr is standing next to him with a LANDSHARK beer of his own in one hand and a stack of purple chips in the other. Several drunk vacationers stand around singing the words to the song. Buffet does the throat slash~
Jimmy Buffet: As much as I hate to cut that off, I need to say a few words.
Lurrr: Let em have it, Jimmy!
Jimmy Buffet: You all recognize the man to my left…he was the GM of OCW when I ran things back in 2014. As you can see we’ve maintained a strong friendship since. Despite the fact I can’t get him to return to the ring…
Lurrr: Yea, yea…I’m getting fucking old, don’t you know? There’s white whiskers in my goatee. It’s hideous. However…I do have to say this PerZag guy has my attention. If I were to comeback…I could see a Lurrr versus PerZag match headlining some mega super show. With yours truly winning, of course.
Jimmy Buffet: Of course!! I’ve got to be honest here…I don’t really have much to say. I just saw this airing while we were drinking and demanded I get put on the air. But things look GREAT…that Caps Lock guy is solid gold! Marcus, buddy, great job…keep up the good work!
Lurrr: I’d just like to make a couple of quick predictions. I’ve got PerZag winning the Oh Shit Battle Royal thingamajig. I’ve got Robert Morbidus in that Massacre match. I’ve got Max Shade and, more importantly, DR ORANGE in the Ascension Match. I’m taking CJ O’Donnell in the Savage Match. And…let’s see…oh yea, I’ve got to go with The Incredible One in the Pub Brawl. And, finally…I just don’t know. I guess I’ll take Alice Knight…for some reason she just never seems to lose in OCW. Jimmy?
Jimmy Buffet: Great picks, my man! I don’t really know any of those names or what’s going on…but from the early estimates of our reported gate for this evening…I’m gonna say the winner tonight is…yours truly!!
~Jimmy and Lurrr laugh like the drunk, arrogant guys they are. Lurrr holds up his stack of purple chips and heads off to play some Blackjack. Jimmy is right behind him…but, before he leaves, he has a few words left to say~
Jimmy Buffet: That does it for the pre-show…Like There’s No Tomorrow starts…NOW! Nibblin on spongecake…
~Buffet sings the lyrics to his most famous song as he walks away from the bar area. The fans around him all sing along. It’s a wild, fun scene. Our screen then fades to black with a clock counting down until the start of Like There’s No Tomorrow~