LIVE! May 29th 2022
Straight Outta Djibouti
Big Game Hunting.
What does it mean to hunt BIG GAME?
What IS the sport, exactly?
I’d imagine ‘Big Game’ can mean whatever you wish it to mean. Whatever skill level you’re currently hunting at. Whatever type of game you’re seeking. Big Game exists in all societies and species. It isn’t reserved solely for the largest and grandest.
A beta male, for instance. The stay-at-home dad. The Neo-patriarch. Careful to not displease his spouse. Comfortable relying on ‘her’ to make the majority of their income. A man who is more of a dreamer than an achiever. So comfortable in his own obsequiousness he develops a rather soft physical frame.
He might not sound like much. But, to some, a ‘Dadbod’ could and will be considered ‘Big Game’. A target for those seeking violence in the most savage of ways. Eager hunters will emerge from all corners to hunt the Dadbod. Their version of Big Game.
A crooked man. A man with more potential than production. A man who should have reached a certain level in OCW a long time ago. A man with a passion to eventually live up to his promise, etching his name in the OCW Title History indices. Crash Rodriguez was once the hunter, and now he is the hunted. He has become ‘Big Game.’
Easton Alexander seeks to take down his version of ‘Big Game’. Wounded in every way, Easton has revenge on his mind. Revenge as a conduit to the type of success Crash craves. Can Easton successfully hunt his version of ‘Big Game’ or will Crash make Easton taste blood once again?
Tag team partners setting out on an expedition to continue their run atop the division. Soon, they realized the game they were hunting was no longer available. They had to adapt. All hunters must do what’s within their job description. So, now they’ve turned on themselves. To these friends, these partners, each other has become ‘Big Game’.
Can The Lost Stranger track down and put down his injured partner or will Mike Zybala continue to show the resolve that’s made him the biggest fan favorite in the industry? Both men are the hunter. Both are also the hunted.
Meanwhile, lurking in the shadows is OCW’s most vicious predator. An alpha male awaiting his opportunity to strike. He’s assembled a pack and together they hunt the biggest game of all, roster domination. He’ll have his eyes set on TLS and Zybala and, if opportunity strikes, he won’t hesitate.
It’s become a modern tradition for people to hunt the supernatural. As though there isn’t enough intrigue left in the world, we have to go out and seek what may or may not exist. In OCW, ghosts do exist. And not only do they exist, but they are the hunters, instead of the hunted.
One ghost in particular, Sadie Ko, has Big Game in her sights. Big Game in the form of Craze Champion, Tamika Strader. A competitor most labeled a tag team specialist finds herself alone in the OCW wilderness. The OCW safari. Hazardous conditions. Looks can be deceiving. What may seem legit may, in fact, be faulty.
Perfection is perhaps the biggest game of all. Sought by many, achieved by none. One man, Dylan Thomas claims to be the epitome of perfection. He personifies it, in his words. And while some may question whether or not he’s actually achieved the loftiest of levels, others hunt to soil his self-proclaimed proclivities.
The Owl is Night is hunting perfection. Not for her own. Not to claim she’s attained that which all others fall short. She seeks to sully it. To wreck it. She desires to stain Perfection. Her Big Game is bringing the havoc and disarray that surrounds her and infecting the order and meticulous image of Perfection Personified.
A savage hunt for both competitors.
Not every hunt involves a pristine game. Sometimes the ‘Big Game’ we seek is wounded. Nicked by the hazards of life. Veronica Strader has been ‘Big Game’ for a number of hunters. They’ve all fallen short, failed to cash in on their hunt. However, this go around, things are different. Veronica is injured. She’s faltered. A blemish rests on her previously unsullied record.
This fact does not dampen the enthusiasm of Dangerous Dan. The game couldn’t be any bigger. Veronica Strader, the owner of the TransAtlantic Title is what he seeks. A title he held years ago. A gateway into potentially reaching the main event of OCW. But first, he must take down the biggest game he’s hunted in his OCW career.
And that brings us to the biggest game in all of OCW.
The OCW Championship.
Two apex predators on a collision course. The dominant force in OCW, Plethora knows a challenge is heading his way.
BRIM seeks to overthrow Plethora, taking control of the pride. Of the herd. He’s hunted and taken down every Big Game he’s faced in 2022. And now, the biggest, most elusive game of them all is what awaits.
Can BRIM lead a successful hunt or will Plethora retain control over his dominion, proving once again that the OCW Title is the most precious, and difficult to attain prize in all of professional wrestling?
The wrestling kingdom is wild.
It is untamed.
And, tonight, its inhabitants are turned loose to hunt, defend, and conquer.
Who will prevail?
Who will perish?
Big Game Hunting is underway.
~The intro cuts away and we start to fade into the venue when a glitch takes place. “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” plays for the briefest of moments before a purge mask flashes before instantly vanishing. Shit happens so fast we’re left to wonder if it ever really happened. Anyway, we cut to the SOLD OUT location. What is SOLD OUT when you’re in the middle of the African wild? I dunno. As many tickets as you can sell? Or, THIS! Just take a look! People are everywhere! A lot of locals. Some people flown in from the US. It’s packed. It looks like an outdoor concert with a band that isn’t shitty...wall to wall people, eating, drinking, imbibing in the anarchy and unadulterated passion...we’ll call it passion, that is OCW! The ring is settled in the middle of this unfiltered chaos. People fighting to get closer to the action. A barricade rests around the ring, giving the wrestlers some room to operate...it opens up int a tiny aisle-way that feeds to and from various huts erected for their backstage dealings. Murdered in the budget cuts for tonight’s events were, apparently, the usage of padding around the ring. It’s just grass and dirt if you happen to get thrown from the ring. The metal barricade that feeds into the ‘hut’ area encircles them, keeping the fans at bay. We’ve got concession and merch stands that look like the fireworks stands you see two times a year. The vibe is an amalgamation of carnival and safari. It’s our final night in Djibouti! Let’s work it~
Jones: Hello again everyone and welcome to Big Game Hunting! I’m your host Jones and alongside me is HOOD
Hood: Congrats, you’ve survived TWO months as the new Smith. -narrows eyes- we’ll see how much longer you can go.
Jones: A bit ominous but okay! I’ll do my best! Last month we were stranded on an island. This month we’ve been All Up In Djibouti! But, tonight, it comes to an end as at this event’s conclusion we will be pulling out of Djibouti and heading to the United States!
Hood: Just in time for $8 gas prices!
Jones: Yikes!
Hood: You’re telling me!
Jones: Folks, we’ve got a huge night set up but, before we get underway, let’s check in with an update on Marcus Welsh and his on going battle with mental health!
~The amazing promo for Big Game Hunting ends. So amazing. We cut back to the stadium where OCW has hosted Massacre the past 4 weeks. Welsh remains in the office, alone. Outside the office, with the door shut, we see The Knife Man and Leo~
Leo: We’ve got to get him out of there. This place needs him.
The Knife Man: I’ve done all I can. I’m a medic not a miracle worker!
Leo: We may have to drug him.
~Leo opens his hand to reveal a couple of date rape drugs~
The Knife Man: Why do you have those?
Leo: For situations like this. Okay, so here’s what we’ll do…
~We cut back inside the office. Welsh is staring at the ground. The pieces of the shattered GOLDEN PHONE are in front of him. Setting atop the GOLDEN PHONE shrapnel is his cell phone – turned off. He chews on his fingers nails, his hands are fidgety~
Marcus Welsh: Yea, I think I’m good in here. That promo looked solid. They’re find without me. No need in rushing things. I’ll just hang here for awhile. Yea, we’re all good.
~Back outside the office~
Leo: Okay, so I’ll slip these into his drink and then you take him from behind
~Leo explains to Machete Phil as we cut back into the office. Welsh leans back on the couch, he’s begging to relax. The warm blanket of comfort covering his existence now that he’s made the choice to remain inside his psychological safe place~
Marcus Welsh: Feels good. Feels good.
~A figure rises over the side of his couch. He feels it’s focus. He slowly turns and finds himself staring straight into the EYE of Sadie Ko!!! Welsh screams. We cut outside the office~
Leo: I’m telling you, these work quick, we’ll have him over at the arena in no time.
The Knife Man: Won’t he be unconscious?
Leo: Bro, you ever seen Weekend at Bernies?
~Welsh’s door flies open. He emerges, breathing heavily. Leo quickly hides his pill~
Leo: Sir!
The Knife Man: Mr. Welsh!
~Welsh looks over his shoulder, Sadie’s gone. He composes, stands up and slaps Leo in the chest~
Marcus Welsh: You know what? I’m feeling like getting some air...let’s head over to the event.
~Leo and Knifey are surprised. Knifey relieved they don’t have to drug him. We cut back to Jones and Hood~
Jones: Marcus Welsh is FINALLY leaving the office! He’ll be here, in person!
Hood: About fuckin time. All it took was for a ghost to haunt his office.
Jones: Hey, whatever works.
Hood: Sure.
Jones: Alright fans, while Mr. Welsh heads over here...I think it’s a good time to get things started! Our first match was announced less than a week ago! A twitter challenge!
Hood: Ugh, sounds lame.
Jones: Alexandra Calaway, a founding member of Paramount, got into an online beef with Cass Baumer, one of the most respected journalist and wrestlers in this industry. They decided to settle their issues HERE on Big Game Hunting in Djibouti in a No DQ match!
Hood: No DQ? Hey, that might not be so bad.
Jones: To the ring!
~We cut to ringside where the fans are going wild! The event is just getting started and these fans are RIPE! They are ready to enjoy OCW’s final show coming to you LIVE straight outta DJIBOUTI!!! A bunch of locals are shotgunning homemade Djibouti moonshine. They’ll be loud and obnoxious before too long. Our view catches some wildlife in the distance. A monkey is swinging from a tree, just enjoying life. Another monkey is doing the same. So full of life and fun, these monkeys. They then run into each other! The impact startles them. They yell and scream...they start to throw punches. Before too long, these monkeys are attempting to tear each other apart. Wow, a random, social interaction that resulted in an all out brawl...WHAT IN THE WORLD? We cut to ringside where Belvedere is in the squared circle, dressed in his finest. He clears his throat and goes to work~
Belvedere: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to BIG GAME HUNTING!!!
~YUGE ovation~
Belvedere: The opening match is a Twitter Challenge! This match is No Disqualification and it is scheduled for one fall!
~MORE WILD CHEERING~
Belvedere: Introducing first…
~"Smooth Sailing" by Queens Of The Stone Age hits!! The Djibouti crowd jumps up and down, cheering their asses off for one of the most popular names in professional wrestling! We locate our first hut of the evening...it opens and Cass Baumer emerges, making her OCW Television debut!! The cheers INCREASE!! Cass heads for the aisle...he pauses and looks around, taking the ovation in...she nods, appreciative. She then heads down the aisle toward the ring~
Belvedere: From Karori, Wellington, New Zealand...standing 5’9 and weighing in at 141lbs...please welcome, Cass Baumer!!
~No problem with the welcome. These fans are treating Cass like the star that she is. Cass hustles up the steps and she pauses on the apron, looking out to the crowd. She then slides in through the ropes and marches around the ring, fired up. The palpable cheers grow in intensity as she mounts the ropes, raising her fist with pride as she answers the visceral reaction of the crowd with a guttural shout of her own! Then, she dismounts~
Jones: Cass Baumer making her OCW TV and In-Ring debut!
Hood: I’ve heard the name. First time seeing her in action...we’ll see if she’s as talented as her name leads people to believe.
Jones: She’s not exactly easing herself into the process. OCW debut on PPV in a No DQ match against a member of Paramount.
Belvedere: And, her opponent…
~"Wicked Ways" Halestorm starts! The cheers of the fans slow down. We cut to the huts where a door opens and Ed Houston steps out! A mixed reaction from the fans, some of whom are still hoping it’s all some fevered dream. Surely not THEIR rocket man! But, Alexandra steps out behind him. They lock arms and head down the aisle, toward the ring. The boos are out in full force, seeing the couple make their way to the ring~
Belvedere: From Dallas, Texas...standing 5’6 and weighing in at 110lbs...she is the self proclaimed QUEEN of OCW. Being accompanied to the ring by Ed Houston! She is a member of Paramount...she is...Alexandra Calaway!!!!
~Houston and Calaway reach the ring. Houston jumps, flat footed from the floor onto the apron. Alexandra is impressed by his athleticism. She walks up the steps...Ed opens the ropes for her so she can enter into the ring. He claps as she marches around, arms in the air. The fans boo...but she couldn’t care less~
Jones: First match of the night and we’ve got two members of Paramount on our screen.
Hood: Get used to it, Jones. Paramount hasn’t been this hot since Eddie Murphy was the face of their franchise in the early 80s.
Jones: Long time ago and a different Paramount. People had better take this group seriously. CJ O’Donnell put it together and he knows a thing or two about how to build a dominant stable.
~Houston hops off the apron. He looks on from the outside as Calaway finds her corner. Belvedere exits. Scruff then calls for the bell and we’re underway!!! The fans pop as the in-ring action for Big Game Hunting is ON~
Jones: And here we go!
Hood: My money is on Calaway. Cass isn’t gonna just barge in here and beat her. This is Alexandra’s home!
Jones: On the other hand, it takes a lot of guts to enter into someone’s home for a fight. The type of courage that comes from prolonged success. I think I’m gonna lean toward Cass.
Hood: I’m telling CJ.
~Ally heads right for Cass, ready to beat her up. But Cass holds out her hand. Ally stops. Cass approaches, cautiously. She slowly removes a special Gameboy Advanced, given to her by CYPH3R. Ally looks at it like, ‘wtf is this and why are we looking at it?’ Cass begins to talk about all the special features. Calaway grows bored, quickly. Houston scoffs, yelling ‘NERD’ from ringside. Cass then mentions that it has a really super secret feature...she brings it in close, before reaching back and SMASHING it into Calaway’s face! The fans cheer!! Cass looks super proud and achieved. Calaway doesn’t fall...she takes a simple step back. She rubs her face like “Ow, that kinda hurt.” Cass is perplexed...she looks down at the Gameboy Advanced, the screen is cracked and the device is dented and kinda warped. This thing might do some cool stuff but it totally sucks as a weapon. She tosses it out of the ring. She turns back to Calaway and tries to offer a not-so-sincere apology, but Calaway rushes her!! Alexandra throws some forearms at Baumer’s head, while pushing her back, trapping her in a corner. The fans BOOO!!! Calaway lifts a knee, which brings Cass’ hands down. Ally then throws some stiff right hands into Baumer’s head~
Jones: I’m not sure that Gameboy Advance spot was the best idea.
Hood: Just give it to some Djibouti kid.
Jones: Hood! That device is warped and cracked!
Hood: So? It’s still be the most advanced bit of technology in this entire fuckin country.
~Calaway whips Cass out of the corner, but Cass reverses and hoists Calaway up onto her shoulders in a Fireman’s Carry!! Ally throws some elbows into Baumer’s head. She gets free, dropping down behind Cass...she whips Cass into the ropes...Houston jumps up and pulls down on the top rope! Cass flips over and lands, roughly outside!!! The fans BOOO!!! Ed hops down and smiles into the camera, on the outside. Ally slides out of the ring and gives Ed a big hug. She then points at the ring and says “My bat!” Houston heads for the ring to get Ally her bat~
Jones: Sounds like Ally told someone backstage that she wanted a bat under the ring.
Hood: Paramount runs shit around here, Jones. There’s probably several bats down there.
Jones: This is all setting up to be a trap for Cass Baumer. She walked into here and now she’s going to be treated with the unfairest of shakes.
Hood: Classic OCW, Baby!
~Houston drops to one knee and he grabs the apron cloth, “One bat, coming up!” He pulls the apron back and then closes it real fast. His eyes widen as he looks Ally’s way. “C’mon, Ed, my bat!” Houston gulps and he lifts the apron up again...a group of bats come flying out from under the ring!! The fans go wild!! The bats fly around Ally, she swats at them...Houston rushes over, trying to help her, but they go after him, too! The two Paramount members are spinning around, flailing, trying to get the bats to leave them alone~
Jones: Hmm, I guess OCW management misinterpreted the meaning of the word ‘bat’
Hood: Fuckin bats! This is some BULLSHIT
Jones: Bats have not been kind to Paramount members this month.
Hood: Paramount is very anti bat.
~Cass stands up, seeing the wild spectacle. She kinda laughs before charging forward and taking both Ed and Ally down with a double clothesline!!! They land HARD on the ground. The bats then fly away as Cass places her fists atop her hips and stares into the Djibouti sky like a superhero or some shit. The fans cheer, “CASS! CASS! CASS!”~
Jones: Cass Baumer releasing the bats and giving these fans something to cheer about!
Hood: Fuckin ridiculous. Who is this woman? She’s giving me Alice Knight vibes which is NOT a good thing.
Jones: I kinda like her.
Hood: Dear gawd, that says it all.
~Cass drops to her knees, refocusing on the match. She reaches under the ring and pulls out a BAT. Not the flying rodent. THE WEAPON. It’s got Calaway’s name on it...literally. Cass swings it around, testing it’s structure...it’s a good, strong bat. She turns around to use it on its owner, but Calaway is back on her feet, she kicks Baumer in the gut!!! Cass refuses to let go of the bat. She drives the handle of the bat into Ally’s midsection. Both women are doubled over. Ed steps into view, grabbing Cass by the hair and slinging her back against the ring. She hits the edge of the apron. Cass fires back, slinging the bat at Ed, but he catches it and tries to rip it from her~
Jones: Ed and Ally are trying to get that bat away from Cass. One good shot with that bat will end this match.
Hood: I still can’t believe someone heard Ally request a bat and thought she meant the animal. What the fuck.
Jones: Mistakes happen, Hood.
Hood: That person needs to be tested for mental competency. He might need to go to a special school.
~Ally walks up and Ed hands her the bat. She taps it on the ground before taking a homerun caliber swing at Baumer’s head! But Baumer ducks. Ally whiffs, spinning around. Cass then dives into the ring for safety. Ed hops on the apron. Ally does the same, they’re both about to enter the ring when Cass yells at them to stop~
Jones: Is she about to forfeit?
Hood: Probably. Paramount is so intimidating.
Jones: The numbers are against her. This is feeling more and more like a failed mission for Cass.
~Cass reaches into her pocket and she pulls out...A SILVER PHONE. The fans pop~
Jones: A SILVER phone?
Hood: Oh great, what’s next, a COPPER phone?
Jones: Maybe. What power does a SILVER phone yield?
Hood: I don’t fuckin know.
~Cass opens the phone up and she starts to make a call. Ed and Ally look at each other...the GOLDEN PHONE has been such a big piece of power in OCW lately that the SILVER phone gives them pause. Cass’ call beeps out, WRONG NUMBER. She tries again...this time it’s going through. She asks Ed and Ally to hang on...finally, Ally is like “Fuck this.” She swings her back, knocking the SILVER PHONE out of Cass’ hand!! Baumer stands up, backed into a corner. Ally stalks her down...Ed watches. Cass then leaps up, jumps over Ally with a somersault, wraps her legs around Ed’s head and she tosses him out of the ring with a Hurricanrana!!! The fans go wild!! Ally spins around, confused~
Jones: What great athleticism from Cass! She’s more than just a pretty face!
Hood: Unfortunately, so. I hear she writes sex stories.
Jones: Really?
Hood: Geezus, don’t act so excited.
~Cass spits in Alexandra’s face!!! Calaway screams, disgusted over the act! She spins around, Calaway hooks her from behind, takes her over and SLAMS her into the mat with a High Angled German Suplex!!! The bat is jarred loose from Ally’s grip, rolling toward the apron. Cass spins around, looking for it. She sees it..but then sees ED hop onto the apron, picking it up. Cass shakes her head, getting a little tired of this 2 on 1 disadvantage~
Jones: She can try to even things out if she wants but I know CJ. He’ll just send Alice down there, or himself.
Hood: Protect the brand. This is a match they’d hate to lose.
Jones: Exactly.
~Cass charges at Ed...he throws the bat into the ring, it lands next to Ally. Cass then dives through the ropes with a suicida spear!!! She takes Ed down and the two of them CRASH into the Djibouti earth!!! The fans go wild!! Houston holds the back of his head. Cass rolls around, her body feeling the impact of the move. Inside the ring, Ally rolls over...she sees a replay of the move and gets PISSED. She grabs the bat and crawls for the outside of the ring, rolling under the bottom rope~
Jones: Great move by Cass, that might neutralize Ed for awhile.
Hood: Yea, but Calaway’s pissed. Cass just hurt her MAN.
Jones: Well, I mean, this is pro wrestling. That kinda thing happens.
~Baumer struggles to her feet only to get drilled in the midsection by Ally with the head of the bat!!! Baumer stumbles around, doubled over. Ally then brings the bat up high and sends it crashing down over Cass’ back!!! Baumer falls to the earth, face down...she’s barely moving. Ally looks at her back, she kisses it. The fans boo!!! Ally then stands over Cass, preparing to swing the bat into the back of her head~
Jones: This could get ugly.
Hood: Yea, all we’re missing is a hole and a string of curse words for this to be like Casino.
Jones: If only Cass had some help.
~Ask and you shall receive! A car horn honks to the tune of JUMP by Van Halen. Ally turns and looks...the SLAM BUSS pulls up to ringside with TONY THE SPIDER behind the wheel. He rolls down the window, lowers his shades and laughs, “HAHAHAHAHA!!!” He then tosses Cass what appears to be a magazine, or something along those lines. Tony then backs the Slam Buss up and he drives away. Ally heads over there, swinging the bat at the Slam Buss, but it’s peels out, leaving her in some dust. Calaway curses, she really hates Tony. She turns back around to refocus on Cass~
Jones: The Slam Buss!! It’s here in Djibouti!
Hood: We paid to ship that fucking thing over here meanwhile Cheasy is still stuck in Key West? Boy oh boy, that’s gotta make him feel great.
Jones: I’ve been there. His day will come.
Hood: Yea, all he needs is for you to suddenly vanish. -stares at Jones-
Jones: Uhhh
~Cass pops to her feet. She stuns Ally by hitting her with the rolled up magazine!! She swats at her again and again!! Ally staggers back against the barricade, dropping her bat. Cass whips her across the face with the magazine...she slings it across her head. She then lifts a knee into Ally’s face before grabbing her by the head and dropping her with a DDT!!! The place goes wild!! Baumer is back on her feet, feeding off the energy. She tosses the bat into the crowd and hands some lucky fan the magazine. We zoom in to find it’s a collection of fanfic written by Cass~
Jones: Well then, that lucky fan will be transported into the more risque areas of Baumer’s brain.
Hood: Fan, if you’re listening, BURN THAT SHIT.
Jones: Art is art, Hood.
Hood: You have no idea what Art is.
~Cass stays focused, pulling Ally off the ground and slinging her back into the ring. The fans are on fire, chanting “CASS! CASS!” Cass hops up onto the apron. Ally staggers to her feet, Cass jumps up, springboards off with a Thesz Press, taking Ally down!!! She punches Ally in the head, repeatedly before Ally tosses her off. Cass pops back to her feet...Ally struggles to hers...Cass runs her over with a BIG BOOT!!! The fans continue to go wild~
Jones: Baumer is on a roll! Ally is in trouble!
Hood: Paramount about to get this night started off in horrific fashion. She’s gonna lose to a journalist, man!
Jones: Cass is more than a journalist. She’s a pro wrestling champion!
Hood: I refuse to hear it!
~Cass waits for Ally to get to her feet. Calaway is injured, rattled...but she finally stands. Cass hits the ropes and charges at her, she flips over with a somersault, grabbing Ally’s head, looking to drop her with Fact Check! She sticks the landing, about to drop her when a clump of dust hits her in the face!!! The fans boo!! We see Ed Hosuton on the apron~
Jones: NO! Get him down!
Hood: No DQ, fool. All is legal.
Jones: She had this won!
~Cass lets go of Ally, rubbing her eyes. Ed tosses a LIGHT TUBE into the ring. Ally catches it...Cass turns around and SMASH!!! Ally hits her in the head with the light tube, shattering it all over the mat. She then brings Cass in, hooks her arms and drops her with Fallen Angel!!! The fans boo!!! Ally flips Cass over and makes the cover...Scruff slides in with the count~
1!
2!
3!!!!
~The bell rings~
Belvedere: Here is your winner...ALEXANDRA CALAWAY!!!!!
Jones: Robbed! Cass was robbed!
Hood: Too bad, so sad. Welcome to OCW!
Jones: Ugh...that No DQ stip was a trick from the start. Paramount didn’t play fair, they never do.
Hood: Hey, who won the match, huh? WHO WON THE MATCH?
~Ally rolls out of the ring. Ed helps her...the two embrace before Ed escorts a tired, wounded Ally down the aisle, back to the huts. Cass, meanwhile, slowly sits up, showing the effects of the light tube shot to the head. The fans give her a strong ovation, chanting her name. She looks down at the mat, disappointed...but, what could she do?~
Jones: A valiant effort from Cass Baumer. I hope we see her again, soon. She’s talented.
Hood: Yea, she’s not bad. Just needs to stay away from the Slam Buss and Tony the Spider.
Jones: We’re off to a hot start here, fans! More action is coming your way, very soon!
After the opening contest here in Djibouti during the Big Game Hunting PPV we find the woman known as Madison Carter walking around near the various huts where the OCW roster are stationed awaiting their match on the card to take place. There is a worried look on Madison’s face as she has her hands folded together over her chest while her eyes are filled with fear.
“I am telling you that this is a BAD idea.” Madison manages to stammer out.
Of course her words fall on deaf ears as the person she is talking to is moving in front of her. The camera zooms out to show the person to be the mystery man/wrestler from before. However, that is not the oddest thing about the situation unfolding here. That would be that the man is riding on top of a fucking lion at the moment. This is the very source of the fear that is coursing through Madison’s body.
“Bad idea? No way, this is genius. You should get up here and ride with me, it’s fucking awesome!” The man raises both of his arms into the air as the lion continues stomping his way through the makeshift civilization that OCW made here in the… as he put it… African Booty Land.
“Yeahhhhh… hard pass on that.” Madison shook her head side to side. “Just what are you planning on doing with that… thing?”
“Isn’t it obvious? This guy is going to be my secret weapon in the DIY Invitational. It’s called using the surroundings to your advantage. That’s something these simple fucks won’t see coming.” The man announces triumphantly.
“Uhhh…” Madison takes a moment to process everything that could possibly go wrong. “I don’t think letting a goddamn lion murder and eat your opponents alive is you know… legal?”
The man stares blankly before turning his head to look back at Madison.
“What do you mean?!” The man waves his arms around frantically. “We are literally in the Safari. These so-called stars knew what they were getting themselves into when they agreed to wrestle in this event. Getting mauled and eaten by a hungry lion is just an unavoidable hazard of the job. I say they just rub dirt on it and walk it off.”
Madison slaps her head down into one of her hands convinced that she must have died and this is hell.
“Why do you need a lion to win this match? I thought you said you were one of the best wrestlers?” Madison questions as the man smirks.
“Just because I am one of the best doesn’t mean I’m familiar with a lot of these internet nerds that pretend to be superstars. Besides, one of the rules of being a legendary wrestler is always expect the unexpected.” The man boasts.
“But…” Madison is interrupted by the man who continues his rant.
“It’s only fair, really. Who is to say that the old Sheriff guy hasn’t brought a gun with him here to this caveman battle? I mean with his age the gun is probably one of those old timey muskets that take 4 hours to load. I bet you it was autographed by George Washington himself.” The man muses.
“I don’t think…” Madison is interrupted a second time.
“Then you got the Amick Dragon guy would could literally own a fucking dragon. I didn’t know this was Game of Thrones: African edition. Either way lion tops dragon any day of the week. But he’s a tricky one Mr. Wannabe Marvel hero. I’m pretty sure just like the dragon he has learned to breathe fire. Which some might see as cool but his severe case of bad breath will not stop me from becoming the #1 contender to the Savage Championship. I will pull that motherfucker’s underoos over that shitty mask before I let him deny me.” The man begins to pound his own chest.
Madison decides it is pointless to try and argue with an insane person.
“And then there is Dadbob who I am sure will have his trusty lawnmower just ready to strike. No way he leaves that thing at home. Sure, he’ll leave his wife at home to bang the mailman with a full bottle of viagra at his disposal but his lawnmower? He values that thing more than his own penis but I will not be cut down by this lawn enthusiast. He might be a hit with all the Milf’s in his neighborhood who are going through a midlife crisis but he better hope one of them is a nurse. He is going to need serious medical attention when me and this big boy are done in this match. A man of my caliber is great but with a lion? I am unstoppable!” The man reaches down and pats the lion who lets out a loud roar.
“Okay, let’s say all that happens… and God I hope it doesn’t… but let’s say it does, then what? You ready to live the rest of your life in prison for first degree murder via jungle cat? There is no point in becoming #1 contender to a title if you’re not even around to fight for it!” Madison tries to verbally beat common sense into this man’s head.
“No one is going to arrest me. There are no prisons in Africa, everyone knows that. But as far as what’s next? Me and this lion are going to march through OCW with my new contract. I suspect he’ll get tired of gnawing on Mr. Sheriff’s brittle old bones pretty quickly. So, I’ll just let him make a meal out of the rest of the roster. We’ll start with Paramount, no one will miss them anyway. After that we take him home to your place and I try to order the biggest food dish I can find on whatever you people have instead of Amazon.” The man pats the lion again and it starts to charge forward running as fast as it can.
“Wait… huh?! NO! I can’t have pets in my apartment!” Madison yells as she chases after the large animal and we head over to something a little more sane… I hope.
~Though not scheduled to compete this evening, Bob Grenier is in his hut with a joint hanging from his mouth~
Bob: CJ O'Donnell, Do you really believe anything you do or say, Any move your little Paramount makes will make any kind of change to the foundation of OCW? I laid the foundation, That's my work and you will do nothing of the sort. You may believe deep down in your heart and soul that "nothing will stop Paramount" Well I beg to differ, I completely disagree. I got friends CJ, I know a few people that would love the opportunity to knock the chip off your shoulder. You are not running anything. The only team that matters in OCW right now is Bam f*****g G, The team that beat you at Massacre, If you want a rematch, I'll give it to you CJ, But I'm sure you'll want to save yourself the embarrassment of losing to Jam G again.
~He lights another joint.~
Bob: Alice Knight, I don't know what your doing, Rolling deep with CJ O'Donnell, You are a hall of famer, Start acting like it. You are not a follower, Not as long as I've known you. Don't let CJ ruin the fun, You used to be all about these people, I understand though, The need and want to change and adapt and stay relevant and all that bullshit, The politics of this business can really weigh you down, I get it. Ed Houston, Same deal, Look who you are associating with... Calaway, I don't know where you came from but same deal, The Paramount is all about one person in the end I promise you that, The one person it is about, Sad to say, He's not good enough to carry a television show, A brand, A company. The foundation I laid 8 years ago that OCW sits on is as solid as the day it was poured and won't be shook. Believe me, I'm here all night. I got a lot more to say. We're gonna take this to the ring.
~Bam G enters the hut with a huge bag of grass and a smile on his face. They begin to converse quietly. We cut back to Jones and Hood~
Jones: Bob Grenier and JAM G have been making waves...I think there’s a good chance they get a tag title shot at next months PPV.
Hood: 2022 is weird.
Jones: Speaking of weird...the mystery competitor in the Dadbod DIY Invitational is riding...a LION.
Hood: Ballsy as fuck. I don’t know who that guy is, but he’s my pick.
Jones: I’d like to go with the Dadbod. But Amick is who I’m choosing, he’s on a mission.
Hood: No love for Ehud?
Jones: Ah yes, Ehud. He’ll be there, for sure. Alright fans, let’s take you to our special presentation of the Dadbod DIY Invitational!
~We open up to the Djibouti desert. It’s all quiet. A stiff African breeze forces a tumbleweed across the bottom of our screen. The fuck? Is this West Texas? We hear a slight TWANG in the air, but with an African spin because, ya know, Africa. A big pile of dust flies in front of our view, creating a hazy view. The dust brings with it, chaos. Screams~
Ahh! You stay away!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN, DIRTY GRAPE!
~What the fuck is THAT? Our view seems stagnant, immobile. A woman backs into view, an african woman who speaks great english (how lucky). She’s got a pistol. She points and fires. A loud roar sounds, a roar stricken with pain. An african man stumbles into view...he looks at the woman~
Thanks!
Don’t thank me now! Hurry before it comes back for us!
~They take off running. Behind them emerges a giant, purple monster. It chases them down with ease. They scream. The purple beast appears ready to maul them to death when another gunshot sounds. This one louder by MILES than the previous. The beast ROARS. He rises and turns, staring in our direction. We instantly recognize the purple beast...it’s the evil, time traveling GRIMACE~
You’re not getting away from me this time, Grimace.
~The voice is gravelly. But stern. A couple of confident foot steps precede the emergence of a man of the law. A hero above all heroes. It’s EHUD OF MOAB! He has a shotgun pointed right at Time Traveling Grimace. The African couple take off, running for safety. Grimace roars at Ehud...Ehud fires another shot~
I got you now you son of a bitch.
~Grimace takes off, sprinting away~
Damnit
~Ehud curses. He hops on a Vespa and he takes off, in pursuit of the rapidly fleeing Grimace. We fade out~
Right on!
~We fade into the Dadbod’s MAN CAVE! Built by the Dadbod himself! He’s admiring the television, a stout 60 inch flat screen airing the Sunday round of this week’s PGA tournament~
Got some sports on. Nice.
~Dadbod has a bowl of cheetos and tortilla chips on the coffee table, in front of the couch. There’s a couple of different dips and, of course, a cooler of brewskis within reaching distance. He looks around, thinking he forgot something~
Oh yea!
~He heads over toward a sound system and he turns on some TUNES. Some classic rock. TOM SAWYER by RUSH starts to play and Dadbod air guitars the beginning~
There we go! Some tunes!
~Outside the mancave, Time Traveling Grimace sprints forward. It looks to be a decent place to hide, amid this barren wasteland of a setting. He reaches the front door. Ehud’s vespa peels through the sand, burning some serious plastic. Grimace looks over his fat shoulder and growls...he opens the door and dives in, shutting it behind him. Ehud turns the Vespa, hitting the breaks, sending rocks flying forward. He slowly steps off, heading toward the mancave~
What was THAT?!
~Dadbod, inside the Mancave hears the rocks and dirt hit the exterior of his proud abode. He heads for the front door. He pulls it open and sees EHUD OF MOAB heading his way. Ehud is about ten feet out~
Excuse me, sir? Are you throwing rocks at my mancave?
Eh?!
~Ehud can’t hear the man. Dadbod waits. And waits. And waits. Ehud is very slow. Dadbod leans against the doorway, waiting and waiting. Finally, Ehud reaches the front porch. He takes a step. Then another step. And, finally, he reaches the front porch~
I said, are you throwing rocks at my mancave?
Son, I don’t play with rocks. I fight crime.
~Ehud whips out his shotgun~
OH MY GOSH
~Dadbod falls back into his Mancave~
Now, where is that purple monster?
~Dadbod has no idea. Grimace must have entered into one of his time traveling portals~
You deaf, boy?
~Dadbod shrugs. Ehud narrows his eyes, looking around~
I’ll find him.
~Ehud walks into the Mancave, heading down a hallway, toward the back. Dadbod carefully stands and leans his head, looking down the hallway, watching Ehud slowly walking~
We got some snacks and brewskis in here if you’re up for it.
~No reply. Dadbod sighs and takes a seat on the couch. The entire house shakes. But, he doesn’t seem fazed. He leans forward and grabs a tortilla chip and dips it into some salsa. He takes a bite and nods~
A little kick. Nice.
~He reaches for a brewski, digging through the ice before pulling out a WHITE CLAW~
Ain’t no law when you’re drinking the claw!
~He’s got the lime flavor (WINK). He cracks it open and takes a sip. There’s a knock at the door. He smiles and hops off the couch~
Alright, some bros looking to chill in the man cave!
~Dadbod flies off the couch...he pauses...he sees the TV is a little crooked after the house shook from him sitting down earlier. He gets it just right and heads for the door. He pulls it back and sees...AMICK DOGERON!~
Bro! Welcome to the Mancave! Come on in!
~Amick doesn’t quite know how to react. He came ready for a fight. He follow Dadbod into the mancave~
Got the chill zone over there. PGA tournament on. High definition, know what I mean? Some brews in the corner, grab ya one and I’ll give you the tour.
~Dadbod takes a sip, staring at Amick. Or, well, Amick’s mask. Amick just looks back at Dadbod, breathing through his mask~
You a craft beer fan? We got more drinks than THE CLAW. I’ll go grab you one from the fridge! A really stout wheat beer brewed right here in Djibouti.
~Dadbod hustles into the kitchen, he pulls the fridge door open and it falls off. He laughs it off~
No worries! I’ll get that put back on.
~He snares a sixteen ounce bottle of stout wheat beer. He brings it to Amick...a confused Amick takes it. Does he hit Dadbod with it? Would that be rude? What the fuck even IS this? Dadbod waves Amick down the hallway~
C’mon, bro. Let me show you the bathroom cause, you’re definitely gonna break that seal! Oh and then we got a back room here where you can chill if the partying gets a little too intense, ya know?
~Amick slowly follows Dadbod, wondering if this is a trap. They head down the hallway...the bathroom door suddenly flies open and Ehud emerges with his shotgun.
GRIMACE! WHERE ARE YOU!
Ahhh!!
~Dadbod yells, ducking. Ehud points the shotgun at Amick~
Who the hell are you, punk!
~Amick grabs the shotgun and dodges. Ehud pulls the trigger...BANG!! It blows a hole right in the wall of the Mancave. Dadbod cries out~
Aww bro, c’mon!
~Ehud sees GRIMACE dancing outside, through the hole~
THERE HE IS!
~Ehud tries to get to GRIMACE but Amick is stopping him, worried the old man might be senile~
He’s out there! The evil time traveling Grimace! Let me go!
~Ehud’s explanation doesn’t exactly help his cause. Amick tries to wrestle the gun away from Ehud...but Ehud winds up thrusting the shotgun into Amicks face, knocking him back. Dadbod rises up~
Whoa, bros. Let’s chill.
~Ehud throws a jab, punching Dadbod in the face!! Dadbod flails back, his right elbow hitting Amick in the head!! Amick falls to the ground, holding his stout beer. Dadbod looks down at Amick~
Bro, are you…
~Amick pops back to his feet and he goes after Dadbod. Dadbod downs the rest of his White Claw and he throws it at Amick...Amick dodges it and moves forward. Dadbod finds the staircase, looking to climb up, but Amick grabs the waist of his pants, dragging him back down. Dadbod spins over, kicking at him...Amick rips the cap off the beer by his teeth and he pours the beer into Dadbod’s face! Dadbod yells out~
IT BURNS! AHH! IT’S SO STOUT
~Ehud walks past them, slowly~
I’m a comin for ya, Grimace!
~He heads for the front door. Dadbod is blinded by the beer. Amick pulls him up and reaches back, smashing the beer bottle across Dadbod’s head!! Dadbod stumbles away from the stairs and into the couch, falling over and into the couch, laying down, holding his head~
I think I’m bleeding! NOT COOL
~Amick doesn’t care, he’s in attack mode. He looks down at the coffee table and all the snacks. Dadbod’s eyes widen~
Bro, not the spread. NOT THE SPREAD
~Amick goes for the spread. Dadbod yells out. We cut to the exterior. Ehud is marching around the mancave, his shotgun ready, locked and loaded. He’s looking for GRIMACE. A figure approaches in the distance. An odd figure. Ehud doesn’t see it...he’s too focused on GRIMACE. He slowly marches around the house, expecting to find his target. We zoom in on what’s approaching and it’s...it’s...~
What the fuck is that? Is that an old man with a shotgun?
~The voice matches exactly who we see. It’s Pro Wrestling ICON and HOW Hall of Famer, Jace Parker Davdison! We hear the crowd inside the venue for tonight’s event go WILD. He’s the mystery entrant. He’s also...riding a LION~
ROAR!!!
~The lion gets his dialogue in...increase in pay for the guy. JPD is tugging on the mane as the lion saunters its way to the mancave. The look on JPD’s face tells the story, “what the fuck have I gotten myself into.” The mancave is shaking and parts of the roof are starting to fall. It looks pretty unsafe to enter. Jace pats the lion on the head and slowly dismounts. He sighs...either enter or turn back around. His momma didn’t raise no quitter. JPD heads up the steps, he’ll deal with whatever comes or falls his way. We cut inside...Amick is pouring the tortilla chips all over Dadbod!!! Dadbod’s hair is beginning to show the red stain of blood! He’s fighting the chips off. Amick then grabs the salsa~
No bro! Not the salsa!
~Amick slings the salsa at Dadbod~
Ah!
~It gets into the laceration on his head and that shit STINGS!!! Amick then kicks the coffee table aside and he drops to his knees pummeling Dadbod in the head! Amick’s the clear favorite in this until…the front door gets kicked in. It flies off the hinges, hits a wall and explodes into a thousand pieces. Dadbod groans~
My door. What the hell, bro?
~Amick looks up along with Dadbod and they see JPD standing in the entry way looking all kinds of badass. Amick quickly leaves Dadbod. Dadbod feels slightly offended like ‘yo, I’m not dangerous enough to be a threat?’ Amick steps up on the couch and springboards off, throwing a forearm into JPD!!! JPD is hit! He stumbles back, into a wall. The couch breaks in half from Amick’s jump. Dadbod sits up, rubbing his head~
My couch…
~Amick fires off some right hands, sending JPD into the wall. JPD, however, delivers a vicious forearm uppercut, sending Amick stumbling back. JPD charges forward with a BIG BOOT!!! Amick flies over the broken couch! Dadbod dives out of the way...Amick’s body CRASHES through the coffee table. Dadbod, on all fours, blood leaking from his head, looks at his coffee table~
Not cool, guys
~JPD steps to the couch. He grabs one end and slings it aside, it crashes through a wall, landing outside. He grabs the other half and does the same, it, too, goes through a wall. Dadbod, on his knees, holding the cut in his head sees all the destruction taking place. Amick tries to sit up. JPD reaches forward, grabbing Dadbod’s tv~
Not the flatscreen! The leaders aren’t even on the back nine yet!
~JPD couldn’t care less. He brings the flatscreen high, preparing to send it crashing onto Amick...but Amick kicks both feet up and he slams them into the screen!!! The force sends the back of the TV crashing into JPD’s face!!! He tosses the TV aside, stumbling back. When he throws it, it doesn’t just rip the plug from the wall, it takes an entire chunk out of the wall. Dadbod dives at the TV, looking at the screen, it’s destroyed beyond repair...he shakes his head~
Guys, brocode, C’mon!
~Amick kips up...the force of his landing shakes the entire house...it feels like it almost shifts. He goes after JPD with right hands. JPD fights back! The two men begin brawling down the hall, toward the bathroom and primary bedroom. Meanwhile, in the backyard, Ehud is still searching for Grimace~
Where are ya, Grimace…
~Ehud pauses, seeing the ‘pool’ Dadbod tries to install. It’s just about a three foot square hole...not very wide. Clearly Dadbod bit off more than he could chew with that one. Ehud hears something~
GRIMACE?!
~He continues walking, with his shotgun...he rounds the back corner of the mancave, heading up the side. Right as he turns the corner, Amick comes flying through the back door, crashing through it, breaking it off and some of the wall with it. He lands in the dirt, hard. JPD steps out, the culprit. He hops down onto the desert ground, going after Amick. Meanwhile, Dadbod grabs another White Claw and heads for the front door, despondent~
This isn’t how it was supposed to go.
~He steps out the front door to enjoy a beverage in peace. He hears a low roar. He looks up and sees JPD’s lion~
OH SHIT!
~He stumbles back into the Mancave. We zoom across the house, to the back where JPD has Amick by the back of his mask, pulling him up. JPD brings him in tight for a DDT. But Amick punches JPD in the ribs over and over, weakening his resolve. Amick then hoists JPD up and tosses him over with a Northern Lights Suplex!!! JPD rolls in the dirt, wincing in pain. He rolls near the edge of Dadbod’s failed pool build. Amick spins around, knowing he can’t give JPD a moment to rest. And, he’s right, JPD is already trying to get back to his feet...but Amick leaps up, wraps his legs around JPD’s head and he tosses him into the unfinished pool with a hurricanrana!!! JPD lands hard!! Crashing into the deep, sun hardened clay!! Amick remains out of the hole, popping back to his feet, looking down at JPD who, this time, remains on his back, wincing in pain...the unforgiving sun beating down on him. Meanwhile, back at the front of the house, the lion licks it’s lips. Ehud turns the corner~
Where ya at, Grimace...show yourself, you purple coward.
~Dadbod sees Ehud’s head walk by one of the holes in the wall. He springs to action, poking his head out the front door~
Sir...SIR! There’s a lion out here. SIR!
~Ehud can’t hear Dadbod. He keeps walking. His focus is so dialed in, he doesn’t see the lion. Until...he’s right upon it. The lion jumps up, startled. Ehud’s stoic, western gaze finds the lion. The lion roars and swipes at Ehud’s shotgun...but Ehud twists his body and delivers a vicious right haymaker into the Lion’s head!!! The lion collapses, knocked out. Dadbod, peeking from the front door, gasps~
You...you knocked it out.
~Ehud spits and lifts his shotgun back up...he looks around. Behind Dadbod, he sees GRIMACE, bending over and slapping his ass. Ehud’s eyes widen~
Why you no good dirty scoundrel!
~The sheriff of Moab heads toward the front door to get Grimace. Dadbod isn’t sure who he’s talking about, so he runs off, into the kitchen. Meanwhile, in the back...Amick waits for JPD to stand...he then leaps into the hole with a double axe handle, right between JPD’s eyes. JPD staggers back, against one of the walls of this hole. Amick punches JPD in the head...he takes a few steps back and charges forward...but JPD kicks him in the gut!! Amick doubles over...JPD hooks him for a suplex...he hoists him up, vertical suplex...he then spins around and lets him fall...his back landing on the edge of the hole!!! Amick yells out in pain, falling into the pain, his spine wrecked from the impact. Inside, Dadbod hears the yell and he peeks out the back hole in the wall~
You guys okay…
~JPD looks up at Dadbod’s bloody head and points at him, menacingly~
Nevermind.
~Dadbod ducks back inside. We cut to the front of the house where a vehicle pulls up. Is it animal control? Of course not. It’s the fuckin SLAM BUSS! Tony is behind the wheel, he looks out the window laughing. The back doors open and Puff, OCW’s third tier ref tumbles out, feeling around~
I just want you to know.
~He yells into the back of the Slam Buss. We can’t see who he’s yelling at~
Your behavior was totally uncalled for. Totally uncalled for.
~Tony laughs. The backdoors shut and the Slam Buss speeds off. Puff shakes his head~
Ridiculous.