OCW Presents: 2017 Year End Awards Show
LIVE! Pretend it's sometime in the middle of December, 2017
From The OCW Arena in Key West, Florida
~A cold shot of the OCW Arena is shown. The mic’d crowd inside the building goes wild. We’re not really sure why they are going wild. I mean, they are already INSIDE the building. It’s not like this is the first time they are seeing it since September. But, hey, we appreciate their enthusiasm and willingness to make us – the viewers at home, feel excited~
~Surrounding the exterior of the building are a bunch of weathered, homeless looking individuals of varying ethnic backgrounds. AKB is checking them out. He’s oblivious of the film crew~
AKB: Hmm…
~He pokes a girl matted in filth in the shoulder. She turns around~
AKB: Eyes up here, woman. Let me see your face.
~AKB inspects her face~
AKB: Ugh, can we get some wipes or something? Really hard to tell if she’d work or not…
~A voice clears itself, loudly. AKB turns around~
AKB: Oh!
~His eyes widen. He straightens up~
AKB: We’re live, really? This is happening? Well…
~His eyes shift side to side~
AKB: I ‘m glad you guys showed up…just in time, too. I’m busy looking for Who’Re…she’s been missing ever since Hurricane what’s her name blew through here. Have you guys seen her?
~The camera shakes side to side, indicating a negative response~
AKB: Well, that’s too bad, guess we’d better head inside for the show.
~AKB seems anxious to leave~
Voice: FOUND ONE!
~AKB acts surprised. He’s a terrible actor. The camera pans over to find John E Depth standing next to a girl equally caked in dirt~
John E Depth: This one will work perfectly, Alpha! I think once we wash away some of the dirt. Get that smell off her and maybe inoculate her of any potential curable diseases…I think she’ll be able to pull off that girl next door look. But, I mean, it’s not like it matters…your name is Alpha Kenny Body, after all.
AKB: I have no idea what this man is referencing.
~The cameraman sighs~
AKB: I’m busy trying to find Who’Re…I have no patience for porn sluts. Now you can either help me or you can just cut inside and get this 2017 Awards Show started.
~AKB starts to walk off. He pauses and hangs his head~
AKB: A 2017 Year End Awards show in the middle of April 2018?
~He laughs and looks straight into the camera~
AKB: Classic OCW, baby.
~We cut inside the arena. The crowd is going wild. A ravenous OCW chant fills the rafters. Several of the ‘faceless’ men who strangely vanished midway through 2017 are back. They are vigilant in whatever enterprise Marcus Welsh has tasked them with. Panning through the crowd we see a severe lack in signage. We do, however, spot some familiar faces. PerZag is seated with his standard expressionless face. Bob Grenier is found amongst the crowd, which draws a huge reaction. Mack O’Connor’s neatly shaved head is discovered, we catch him stuffing something back inside his coat pocket (a flask?). Perfectly Marvelous are also caught on camera. We spot one half of the Dravers, Jonathan…this draws another huge reaction from the crowd. SHOOTAH is located. He’s got a neckbrace on along with casts over both his arms and one of his legs…he’s had it rough. But, he still manages a smile. And, finally, we spot a row of children, front and center. They are smiling and appear super thrilled to be a part of this. We cut to Smith and Hood who are standing on stage, mic’d up~
Smith: Hello again everybody and welcome back to OCW programming! I’m Smith and alongside me, as always, is Hood!
Hood: Why are we standing? Everyone else has a fucking seat, including a bunch of children for some reason…yet we’re standing. This is an outrage.
Smith: Those children were flown in here by OCW as a reward for academic excellence. It was a national competition OCW held for all children under the age of ten.
Hood: Whoopty fucking doo
Smith: LANGUAGE! We’ve got KIDS in the audience
Hood: Hey, if they don’t like it they shouldn’t be here
Smith: Anyway…tonight we’re going to honor all the greatest contributors from the year of 2017…a year some are calling the best in OCW history
Hood: It had its moments, that’s for sure
Smith: Plus, I’m told we are inducting FOUR people into the OCW Hall of Fame
Hood: Our fucking HOF has easier access than Who’Re’s….
Smith: That’s enough! Anyway, let’s get started as we announce the award for NEWCOMER of the year! Here to present the award is OCW’s own Leo the High School Intern! Leo, take it away!
~The now THIRTY SOMETHING High School Intern appears from behind a curtain. He walks up to a podium. Smith and Hood are off to the side, watching. Leo has an envelope in one hand and the award in the other. He appears somewhat nervous as he fumbles with the mic while trying to manipulate it in correspondence with his height. He clears his throat and begins~
Leo the High School Intern: To be a newcomer means facing the odds of already established peers. It means jumping feet first into shark infested waters without realizing what you’re getting into. As a high school intern preparing to enter…
Voice from the Crowd: YOU’RE THIRTY YEARS OLD! GROW THE FUCK UP!
~Leo is obviously thrown by the outburst. He stammers over his words and swallows loudly~
Leo the High School Intern: As I was saying…being an intern and therefore relatively new to the way business is…
Voice from the Crowd: YOU’RE THIRTY YEARS OLD AND CAN’T EVEN GROW A FULL MUSTACHE!
~Again Leo begins to lose it. He rubs sweat from his brow~
Leo The High School Intern: How about we just, umm, get to the award, umm…
~Leo fumbles around with the envelope. He drops it on stage~
Hood: Oh for fuck’s sake
~Hood marches over and shoves Leo aside. Leo hits the stage hard. Hood snares the envelope with confidence~
Hood: Alright, Newcomer of the Year…
Smith: It’s a big award…everybody in the Hall of Fame was a newcomer at one point.
~Hood stops and looks across the stage at Smith~
Hood: Are you going to let me do this or what?
Smith: Sorry, I just got a little excited
Hood: Well cool yourself down, man
~Smith does his best to ‘cool down’ by taking a sip of ice water~
Hood: Anyway, the nominees are…Muffles the Bunny!
~Crowd seems confused~
Hood: Kira Phoenix!
~The crowd murmurs a bit with a few guys saying “Oh yea, I remember her, she was hot”~
Hood: Ed Houston!
~The crowd pops for the fan favorite~
Hood: Levi Russow!
~A ‘what happened to that guy’ murmur filters throughout the crowd~
Hood: Bradley Carrington!
~A huge chorus of boos are hurled at the mention of Mr. Carrington~
Hood: Damian K-DASH!
~Hood is heavy on the emphasis of DASH. The fans nod with respect for Damian and his abilities~
Hood: And, finally, Dare Clemmens…wait, didn’t he die?
Smith: No, I think he just vanished
Hood: Oh, okay…well, anyway, he’s on here…so those are the nominees!
~The crowd is buzzing with anticipation. A slight ‘Muffles’ chant breaks out. Hood has no idea why~
Hood: You guys are insane…anyway…the winner of newcomer of the year is….BRADLEY CARRINGTON!!!!!
~BOOOO goes the crowd! An unknown man in a suit walks up on stage. He grabs the award from Hood~
Man in the Suit: I’m sorry but Mr. Carrington was unable to attend this evening’s award show. He’s busy giving a speech at his beloved Cornell. But, rest assured, he is absolutely content with winning this award and will cherish it somewhat dearly. Thanks again!
~Man in the Suit steps off stage. Hood shrugs and heads back over to Smith~
Smith: Well that was rude
Hood: Yea, we need to profile this crowd better…no more Muffles chants
Smith: I’m talking about Carrington’s representative
Hood: Pssh…can’t blame Carrington for not showing up…whoever thought this show was going to happen? Guy’s got a life, you know. Besides…he deserved that fucking award
Smith: Well that’s hard to argue…I have to imagine Houston and Damian were in the running as well
Hood: I guess Damian K needs to DASH a little faster, next time
Smith: Wow, you’re rusty. Anyway, let’s head backstage!
~We cut backstage where AKB continues his search for Who’Re. He runs into JACK PUFFER!~
AKB: Whoa! Just the man I never knew I wanted to see!
Jack Puffer: Ah, AKB…good day, fine sir. How are you?
AKB: Eh, I’m alright. But, hey, I’m looking for Who’Re…have you seen her?
Jack Puffer: Absolutely not…I’ve been busy trying to locate some of these refugees who are apparently still hiding out within the Arena.
AKB: Well fuck that…I need you to find Who’Re for me.
Jack Puffer: Really? Hmm…
AKB: How much is Welsh paying you to remove the hidden refugees?
Jack Puffer: He isn’t, actually…he just promised me a spot in the potential reboot of OCW
AKB: Okay well, I will actually pay you. It won’t be much, but it’ll be some form of currency.
Jack Puffer: Say no more, good friend! Jack Puffer is on the case!
~Puffer rushes out of sight in search of Who’Re. AKB reaches into his pocket and pulls out some loose change~
AKB: Yea, that should be enough
~We cut back to the stage~
Hood: Ya know, if we could ever rid ourselves of talentless losers this promotion might actually go places
Smith: I refuse to acknowledge such an inflammatory statement! So…moving along, it’s time we find out who is going to walk away Most Improved Wrestler of 2017! Presenting this award will be none other than B-Minus!
~B-Minus steps out from behind the curtain. The former flash in the pan back in 2014 looks in great condition. He hasn’t aged a day. That’s probably because he’s part man, part machine. He steps up to the podium~
B-Minus: Thanks for the intro, Smith. I’m flattered to be here. Improvement is something every person should strive toward. I mean, just look at me. When I first joined OCW I was some talentless jobber. Then, next thing you know, after a near death experience I have half my body replaced with mechanical parts and end up main eventing Total Demolition. Talk about an improvement!
~The crowd groans. They hate B-Minus. PerZag is seen mouthing the phrase “Bionic Fuck”~
B-Minus: Some might even go so far as to say I’m now B-Plus!
~BOOOO!!!~
B-Minus: Haha, anyway, let’s get to the nominees. First, we have Ed Houston!
~Again, the crowd pops for Ed~
B-Minus: Next up is Tommy Crimson!
~A giant flame ball is fired off from someone in the crowd in honor of the man formerly known as Flamer. The crowd goes wild~
B-Minus: Spectacular! We also have…Josie Barnes!
~A few cat calls are hurled in response to the name of one of OCW’s most popular female wrestlers~
B-Minus: Robbie Raydar!
~The crowd is pretty immaterial toward Aire Raydar~
B-Minus: And how about…Chaotic!
~The biggest pop of the night for the surprising fan favorite~
B-Minus: Then there’s…Robert Morbidus…
~The crowd is okay with the mentioning of his name~
B-Minus: And, finally, we have Rebel!
~A Rebellious Yell is conjured out of respect for Rebel~
B-Minus: And…the winner for Most Improved Wrestler of 2017 is….”THE TRUE LIVING VAMPIRE” ROBERT MORBIDUS!!!!!
~There’s a modest pop for Morbidus. Jonathan Dravers, for some reason, is clapping and cheering louder than everyone else. Mr. Judas and Morbidus head up onto the stage and snare the trophy. Mr. Judas has a few words~
Mr. Judas: We appreciate this award. It was tough coming out here with daylight savings time in full effect, but we made it. Now, we wait to feed.
Hood: Maybe you guys can help us cut down on some of these refugees
~Morbidus glares at Hood as though he asked him to eat spam or something. Mr. Judas continues~
Mr. Judas: We didn’t really know what we were getting into when we joined OCW. The transition was difficult but we did the best we could to adjust. I’d say the Dravers Boys did just as well.
~The crowd claps. A giant figure rushes toward the stage~
Hood: Holy shit that’s a huge refugee! Man he looks like he’s had a rough go, all deformed and shit.
Smith: Hood, that’s Lance Savage!!
~Savage tries to get at Morbidus, who seems just as eager to fight. Mr. Judas stands in between them until security can erect an impregnable barrier. Morbidus glares at Savage, who hurls insults The Vampire’s way. Mr. Judas secures the award. Savage forces his way near the podium~
Lance Savage: How could you win anything? That’s it, Morbidus…I want you in a MASSACRE RULES MATCH!
~Morbidus nods, the crowd goes wild~
Smith: Wow, Hood…sounds like these two are going to settle their unending feud in a match held at some point in the future
Hood: Cool
Lance Savage: Not just any match…a MASSACRE RULES MATCH
Hood: Yea, yea, we get it man. You guys are going to wrestle, one on one
Lance Savage: It’s a MASSACRE RULES MATCH
~The announcers are somewhat dismissive. The security team is able to get Morbidus and Judas back to their seats while being forced to escort Mr. Savage from the arena~
Smith: Always some kind of rivalry going on in OCW, Hood. I’m not sure when or where that singles match will take place, but I’m sure it will be fair within the confines of the rules pertaining to any and all singles matches.
Hood: Oh no doubt
Lance Savage: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S A MASSACRE RULES MATCH!
~Savage is able to unleash that one, final outburst before being escorted completely out of the arena~
Smith: Well...it’s time to reveal our first Hall of Fame inductee of the evening
Hood: I’m prepared…prepared to be underwhelmed and disappointed
Smith: Now why would you go and say a thing like that?
Hood: You know why…
~Hood looks into the sky as if expecting some type of bird to be hovering overhead~
Smith: We could only be so lucky
~Smith utters while portraying a dreamy gaze~
Smith: Anyway…the OCW Hall of Fame is the ultimate achievement for a competitor within this company. It takes years of hard work and dedication to even be placed amidst the discussion. Championships must be earned, awards won and, most importantly, personality displayed. There have been numerous talented wrestlers come and go in OCW, winning all sorts of accolades while falling short of achieving a spot within the Hall of Fame. It is truly an achievement for the best of the best
Hood: It’s the Hall of Fame, I think they get it
Smith: Okay, fine, I’ll get to the point. So, ladies and gentlemen…introducing our first inductee into the OCW Hall of Fame…he joined OCW
Hood: YES!
Smith: What?
Hood: You said HE!
Smith: Get a grip, will ya? Ahem, anyway…he joined OCW back in 2014 with little fanfare. His unique style and entertaining personality earned him a quick rise to the top of the card. His first big moment came at Clash at the Coast when he competed in the Main Event for the OCW Western Championship.
Hood: Scott Syren is getting inducted for a SECOND time? This is amazing, he totally deserves it
Smith: It’s not SCOTT SYREN. Ahem, ANYWAY…he would fall short on that evening but would strive forward accumulating many accolades throughout the duration of 2014. In 2015 he would return to OCW and capture the biggest prize in the company by claiming the OCW Championship! Since then he’s done nothing but encapsulate the embodiment of what it means to be an OCW superstar. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome a long overdue entrant into the OCW Hall of Fame…please give it up for…
~The crowd goes WILD. Grenier is shown displaying a mixture of emotion, pride, and enthusiasm. He stands with his fist in the air. A loud “GRENIER!” chant fills the arena. PerZag, his former tag partner, is shown giving him a standing ovation. "Smart Went Crazy" by Atmosphere plays for a few moments while Grenier soaks in the praise. We then cut back to Smith and Hood on stage~
Smith: A tremendous achievement for a deserving recipient
Hood: Bob’s the fucking man. Long overdue, my friend
Smith: Haha, indeed! I’m told official inductions…speeches, graphics and so forth will be provided in the future. Tonight is all about surprises and, well, you can’t very well surprise someone if you ask them to give a speech for a Hall of Fame induction.
Hood: Yea, I guess not
Smith: Anyway, it’s time for our next award…this time for the Most Underrated Wrestler of 2017…here to present the award is…umm, is this right…
Hood: Chaotic’s MOTHER?
Smith: That’s what it says
~The crowd boos as a masked figure with the body of a middle aged woman saunters toward the podium. She grabs the mic and speaks~
Chaotic’s Mom: I just want all of you to know that my boy Chaotic has been working really hard in ring. He had a great career here in OCW and I wish everyone would show some respect toward his efforts!
~The crowd laughs~
Chaotic’s Mom: He faced Max Shade for the Ascension Title which MAIN EVENTED Massacre. He ALSO nearly won OCW Survivor. So, how about a little respect for, in my opinion, the most UNDERRATED wrestler in OCW history?
~BOOOOOO~
Chaotic’s Mom: Ugh, whatever. Here are the nominees for the most underrated wrestler of 2017. Ed Houston…seriously? If anything this guy was OVERrated.
~The crowd pops once again for Ed~
Chaotic’s Mom: Ah, Josie Barnes. About time a female with a level head was recognized in this pigheaded organization. Good luck, Josie.
~The crowd is unsure how to react to this statement~
Chaotic’s Mom: Oh, well, what do we have here? Jacqui Monroe! Another female…looks like the ladies are out in force tonight. C’mon, girls…let’s show the evil Scott Syrens and Chad Vargas’ of the world that WE belong!
~A high pitched cheer emerges. It appears her agenda is being bought by a portion of the crowd~
Chaotic’s Mom: And lookie here…Jade Spritz! Now that’s my kinda woman!
~The men finally start to get behind Chaotic’s Mom~
Chaotic’s Mom: Mark Storm?
~A loud clap of THUNDER sounds throughout the arena. People duck for cover~
Smith: HOOD!
Hood: Haha, sorry
~Hood puts away some type of device that must have blasted a thunder sound over the loud speakers~
Chaotic’s Mom: Rebel…an older fellow. I’ve got no problem with that…senior citizens are often ignored and shamed in this business.
~A few fans act in rebellious nature in the crowd – an obvious tribute to Rebel~
Chaotic’s Mom: And, finally, CAUTION.
~Caution, sitting near the closest concession stand yells out with a tall boy in each hand~
Chaotic’s Mom: So we’ve got three women and two senior citizens – by wrestling standards. Things are looking up…time to debunk this egotistical theory that young, good looking, muscular men are the force driving this industry. So…the winner for Most Underrated Wrestler of 2017 is…ED HOUSTON!
~Chaotic’s Mom flings the envelope away in disgust and marches off. Ed Houston leaps to his feet and rushes up the steps. He snares the award and gives a few words~
Ed Houston: Thanks guys! This is great!
~The crowd breaks out a “HOUSTON!” chant. Ed smiles and holds the award over his head to an even louder ovation. He hops off the stage and heads back to his seat. We focus in on Smith and Hood once again~
Smith: Good for Ed Houston! You know, if OCW had not been hit by that massive hurricane and forced to shut down…who knows how far Ed would have gone. He was really beginning to hit his stride.
Hood: Yea, Hurricane Burnout really did a number on Ed’s future. Oh well, I guess now that Hurricane Inspiration has blown through Key West, maybe he will get another chance
Smith: Uhh, yea, sure…anyway, let’s head backstage for a moment!
~We cut backstage where Jack Puffer is on the case! He’s searching behind concession stands, underneath staircases and in giant purses draped over the shoulders of females. He leans up against a beer cart, frustrated~
Vendor: Would you like a beer, sir? You look exhausted.
Jack Puffer: How much for a brew, my good man?
Vendor: Seven dollars and fifty cents.
Jack Puffer: Good heavens! I don’t have that kind of money…what do you think I am, rich?! Pssh
Vendor: Sorry, sir
Jack Puffer: By the way, have you seen a woman by the name of Who’Re? She’s got hair and a womanly figure.
Vendor: Who’Re? What an interesting name…is it French?
Jack Puffer: French? By gosh, that might be it! Quick my good man, I’d like a list of everyone who has purchased French Fries at tonight’s event. Chop, chop!
~The confused vendor heads off to make something of an attempt at recovering what Jack desires. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Well, that’s going well
Hood: Talk about your unnecessary subplot…really hope this pays off
Smith: Not likely. Anyway…it’s time for our next award…here to present the award for Angle of the Year is…Ninja?
Hood: Who the fuck is Ninja?
Smith: He, apparently, wrestled a time or two at the very end of the 2017 run
Hood: Oh, okay so, sure, why not give him this spot, makes total sense
Smith: Well…let’s toss it to Ninja…the man of a million moves, if I remember correctly
~Ninja LEAPS from behind the curtain. He throws several kicks and jabs into the air. He does a flip. He’s very ninja-like in his movements. He reaches the podium and holds up the envelope. He then reaches under his mask and rips it off to reveal….RICHARD!! The crowd gasps before going wild~
Smith: It’s RICHARD
Hood: Was he the man behind the mask all along?
Smith: I think so, Hood
Hood: Fucking amazing…now that’s an angle for ya!
Smith: Technically, yes…although not a very good one
Hood: Oh go fuck yourself
Richard: Yo yo yo what’s up my OCW peoples! Richard Dweck here…the unanimous replacement for OCW hero, Scoot Time!
~Richard looks out into the crowd who seem to be chanting his name. He spots Shootah~
Richard: Don’t you worry, bro! You could be next!
~Shootah smiles with hope~
Richard: Aight, so let’s get down to this award. The nominees for Angle of the Year are…The Return of the Dravers!
~Jonathan stands, unashamedly cheering for his own team~
Richard: TIO’s Family Issues
~We are shown TIO along with his wife and daughter in attendance. They appear to be happy. The crowd breaks out a loud “TIO!” chant~
Smith: My how things can change
Hood: You’re telling me
Richard: Mike Zybala as the Hooded Figure…hey, did that punk steal my gimmick?
~We spot Zybala in the crowd. He’s wearing an OUTSIDER CW T-shirt. The crowd goes wild~
Richard: Unmasking of Rick Mad to reveal Chad Vargas…wait a minute…I’m starting to sense a theme here, yo
Hood: We should ban masks in the future, Smith
Smith: That might alienate a good portion of our south of the border audience
Hood: Why they gotta be aliens, Smith?
Smith: I said alienate!
Richard: The Return of Kenshin Takamura and the debut of Tokyo Knives
~The crowd boos~
Smith: Yea, that was quite the letdown
Hood: Hey, it gave us that psycho Jacqui Monroe
Smith: True…another wrestler cut down due to the unexpected closure of OCW
Richard: Curt Canon’s Hall of Fame Induction!
~We locate Canon in the crowd. He’s got a giant, cheesy smile on his face. The crowd chants “CANON!”~
Richard: And…the Arrival of Aptitude!
~An ominous vibe takes hold. The only member of the Aptitude apparently in attendance is TIO. He shrugs with a wry smile. While a changed man it was a badass angle that led to many of OCW’s biggest moments in 2017~
Richard: And…the winner of the 2017 Angle of the Year award is…ARRIVAL OF APTITUDE!!!
~TIO stands with the OCW Title draped over his shoulder. The crowd breaks out a “CHAMP!” chant. He looks around, smiling. CJ and Meyhu are nowhere to be found. So, he makes the walk up, onto the stage and receives the award~
TIO: Uh, Richard, everybody!
~Richard takes a bow and throws a kick. He falls to the ground writhing in pain. He apparently tore something~
TIO: Rarely do big angles live up to the hype. Not only did this particular angle live up to the hype…it surpassed it. Say what you want about CJ and Meyhu. But together, the three of us dominated OCW unlike any force in company history. As you’ll see throughout the night when nominees are announced for awards…The Aptitude shaped 2017 OCW. It also helped me discover something inside myself I never knew was there. So, in a weird way, I want to thank Meyhu and CJ for helping me become a better wrestler and a better man.
~TIO holds the award in the air as a tribute and exits the stage. We cut to Smith and Hood as Richard is being carried away in the background~
Smith: It could be a big night for Aptitude but an even bigger night for TIO
Hood: Well he’s already the champ…what else?
Smith: He’s in the running for several other awards including, Wrestler of the Year
Hood: And who’s going to be the presenter for that award…Vortex? Debris?
Smith: Get serious!
Hood: I can’t...not in this company, anyway!
Smith: Whatever…anyway, let’s head backstage
~We spot Puffer standing at a urinal in one of the OCW Arena restrooms. He’s looking down at a napkin in his hands. Several names are scribbled, slovenly in ink. He’s having trouble reading them. Giggling from the stall behind him serves as a major distraction~
Jack Puffer: How am I supposed to locate these people. All I have are names. And there are, like, thousands of people here. Ugh…this case is going to be harder than I thought. It looks like I might need to try something different.
~He crumples the napkin and tosses it aside. He looks at his reflection in the mirror~
Jack Puffer: C’mon, Jack…we’ve got to find this Who’Re person. You can do it…you’re the detective!
~The stall door opens and out steps NATHAN DRAVERS! Jack’s eyes widen. He quickly zips up and turns around to shake Nathan’s hand~
Jack Puffer: Well look who it is! I’ve just located one half of the Draver boys!
Nathan Dravers: That’s DRAVERS
Jack Puffer: Oh, yea, sorry…good to see you, chap!
~Jack extends his hand. Nathan motions toward the sink~
Jack Puffer: Oh, sorry, how thoughtless! I do not want to spread germs, especially on a night like this.
~He heads over to the sink and squirts soap into his hands. He lowers his head, staring down while rubbing his hands together. In the background we see Nathan opening the stall and helping WHO’RE out. She scurries out of the bathroom with Nathan right behind her. The crowd cheers. Jack puts his hands under the water and speaks~
Jack Puffer: By the way, my good man, have you happened to spot Who’Re around the arena this evening? I’ve been tasked with finding her.
~Jack looks into the mirror to find the bathroom empty. He sighs~
Jack Puffer: Guess he had somewhere to be.
~Puffer puts his hands under the electric dryer and shrugs~
Jack Puffer: Oh well, back on the case!
~We cut back to the stage~
Smith: Oh-kay then
Hood: Fuck this world…Nathan Dravers getting laid while I’m up here dealing with people like Richard
Smith: I’m going to refrain from commenting on the situation and send it over to the presenter for our next award…it goes to the OOC Member of the Year…presenting the award is Cap Slock!
~Cap Slock emerges from behind the curtain looking very composed. He reaches the podium, calmly sets the award down and leans into the mic~
Cap Slock: THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. IT IS MY ESTEEMED HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO PRESENT THE OOC MEMBER OF THE YEAR AWARD.
~The entire crowd winces, covering their ears~
Cap Slock: THE NOMINEES ARE: CJ O’DONNELL, JOSIE BARNES, MIKE ZYBALA, AND MATT MEYHU. AND THE WINNER IS….MIKE ZYBALA!!!!!
~Zybala pops to his feet and rushes for the stage with the crowd giving him a loud ovation. He hops onto the stage and takes the award. Cap Slock promptly exits. Zybala looks at the award and nods~
Mike Zybala: About time hard work gets rewarded. By the way, for those of you interested, all Outsider merchandise and equipment are currently for sale on EBAY. It’s sort of a clearance sale. If anybody has any questions….HEY
~Zybala spots GUY CASHE, JAM G and 12 in the crowd~
Mike Zybala: Where the hell have you guys been?!
~He hops off the stage, rushes toward the three former members of Outsiders Championship Wrestling and promptly superkicks all three. The crowd goes wild. Zybala tucks the award under his arm and returns to his seat feeling slightly vindicated~
Smith: Congratulations to Mike Zybala for a much deserved award and, well, I guess the ability to relieve a smidge of frustration
Hood: Yea that was probably better than using masturbation as a form of relief…could develop some really fucking weird kink
Smith: Okay, that’s more than enough. Now I have to transition from THAT into our next Hall of Fame inductee
Hood: Not the strangest transition in OCW history
Smith: Sigh, yea, you’re probably right. Anyway…it’s time for our newest inductee. She needs
Hood: FUCKING HELL…DAMNIT
Smith: You don’t even know who I’m about to announce
Hood: You said SHE
Smith: Hey, it could be Madyson Carter
Hood: *stares blankly at Smith*
Smith: Okay, you got me…ladies and gentlemen I present to you the newest induction into the OCW Hall of Fame…
~The camera pans around the crowd, trying to find the new Hall of Famer. A dirt covered potential refugee emerges from the shadows. The faceless men move at once to capture this person. They converge. A person yells from the crowd~
Voice: That’s no bum…that’s Alice Knight!
~The faceless men back away. The person stands up and waves. It is, indeed, Alice Knight! She seems extremely excited about the induction~
Hood: So our newest Hall of Famer was mistaken as a bum
Smith: You cannot deny the impact she’s had on OCW. A Hall of Famer, for sure
~Alice reaches the stage. Grenier looks around like ‘what the hell?’ She reaches the stage and reaches behind the curtain. She drags a giant box covered by a black sheet~
Hood: Grenier didn’t get to talk…why is she allowed on stage?
Smith: I can’t wait to see what she’s got in store for the OCW fans!
Hood: This all seems very pre-planned for something that’s supposed to be spontaneous
~Alice Knight removes the black sheet to reveal a cage containing hundreds of Owls!! She opens the cage and releases the owls. They soar throughout the arena~
Hood: What the hell…we just got this place sorta cleaned up!
Smith: What a moment!
~Grenier is seen hurling obscenities. PerZag sits with a slow fury building inside. He rips the arm from his chair. Mack reaches inside his coat pocket and removes his flask. He takes a larger than usual sip. Paras calmly unveils an umbrella, opening it. Mario leans to the side, ducking underneath for coverage. We cut to the Dravers. Nathan has returned with a look of satisfaction, they are on their feet going wild. Jonathan points toward one side of the crowd and yells “OWL! IS! NIGHT!” Nathan points toward the other side and yells “HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!” The crowd gets into the dueling chant. Soon the entire arena is consumed with “OWL! IS! NIGHT!” “HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!”~
Smith: This ovation is incredible!
Hood: Cut to the back, please, for the love of all that is holy and sane...I’d rather watch anything than this, including whatever the fuck Jack Puffer is doing
Smith: Alright…let’s head to the back!
~Puffer is standing in the middle of a walkway, pondering his case. Dozens of owls burst through a doorway, flying through the concession area. Fans scream and run. Puffer remains unmoved. One patron opens an exit allowing the owls an escape~
Patron: My goodness…it’s like Hitchcock’s THE BIRDS in here!
~Puffer looks up, struck~
Jack Puffer: What was that, my good man?
Patron: Huh? The owls? I was simply…
Jack Puffer: No, before that. It sounded like switch…ditch…
Patron: Oh! Hitchcock, yea, I…
~Puffer grabs the man by the collar~
Jack Puffer: You must tell me where Who’Re is!
Patron: What…WHORE? I…I have no idea!
Jack Puffer: Don’t play games with me…I’m a detective. I can see right through your thinly veiled lies! Now, where can I find Who’Re?
Patron: I…the…the men’s locker room??
Jack Puffer: The MEN’S locker room…now there’s an idea! Thank you my good man!
~Puffer releases the guy and rushes away in search of the men’s locker room. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: And, well, with most of the owls out of the arena and composure regained, it’s time to move forward.
Hood: You know I never had a problem with owls. To me they were just birds that were supposed to be smart. I never saw them, never cared about them. But now…now I fucking hate the things.
Smith: Well that’s your problem. Anyway…it’s time for Finisher of the Year! Here to present the award is OCW’s third referee and pedantic wrestling fan…PUFF!
~Puff’s puffy body waddles out onto stage. He seems extremely proud to be involved with the show. He nestles up next to the podium with his puffy belly bumping into it and nearly knocking the damn thing over. This doesn’t dissuade his confidence. He places the award down and speaks into the mic~
Puff: Professional Wrestling is an ART form. It is ART in its truest form. It is NOT something to be taken lightly. For too long OCW has been plagued with individuals seeking to ruin the art that is Professional Wrestling. I’m pleased to say that in 2017 OCW saw a true renaissance. Wrestling for once seemed to be placed ahead of extreme personalities and ridiculous foolishness. A company I once loathed I began to love. OCW, you stole my heart in 2017.
~Puff pauses. Is he emotional? Is he out of breath? He continues~
Puff: Presenting the purest award of the night warms my heart.
Hood: As if that heart needed any further warming…can you imagine how smothered it is already?
Smith: SHHH!
Puff: Now, if only we could fix the announce team. Anyway…the nominees for finisher of the year are…The Terminator…GREAT move.
~Nobody else in the crowd really remembers that move~
Puff: Ego Trip…FANTASTIC finisher
~A few boos sound out due to whom the finisher belongs. Puff is beginning to sweat~
Puff: Chaotic’s Shooting Star Press…while the name leaves A LOT to be desired, it was executed in flawless fashion. So, I deem it an acceptable candidate.
~The fans roll their eyes~
Puff: Irish Knowledge…now here was a move that required both impeccable timing as well as flawless technique. My goodness…poetry in motion indeed!
~Puff’s face is becoming somewhat flush~
Puff: Ah, The Apache…now here was a move that required such fluidity. I cannot even begin to tell you how important a seamless motion is in regards to pulling this move off. What a great move…my goodness what a great move!
~Puff reaches up, wiping his forehead~
Hood: Is he going to be okay?
Smith: Let’s hope so…fortunately I think we only have one finisher left!
Puff: Next we have Claymore. A move that truly encapsulated what its owner was all about. A lost art in the industry. A move that TRULY emulates a wrestler’s persona. It brings a damn tear to my eye!
~Puff grows a bit weak in the knees, but he perseveres~
Smith: I was wrong…NOW we have one left
Puff: And, finally, The Stroke. A move that can come out of nowhere. It brings upon a titanic shift in momentum, much like the personality of its owner. This, again, is a PERFECT maneuver. I…my gosh, this is so exhilarating. Who will win? They are all worthy, I tell you!
Hood: Puff might HAVE a stroke
Smith: Quiet! We’re about to hear the winner!
Puff: And the winner for finisher of the year is…CLAYMORE!!!!!
~The crowd gives a strong ovation. Mack O’Connor stands. He isn’t overjoyed or anything. In fact, he seems to feel as though this was justified. He walks onto stage and receives his award. As he does, Puff collapses from excitement. Mack looks down at Puff, removes his flask and takes a sip. He steps over Puff’s body and speaks into the mic, placing the flask back into his coat pocket~
Mack O’Connor: About time I won something of note around here.
~Mack heads back to his seat. The Knife Man CUTS through the curtain and rushes toward Puff. He drags Puff’s body behind the curtain and to the back~
Smith: Well as our medic SLASH mechanic deals with whatever is ailing Puff, let’s head backstage for more in the ongoing saga of Puffer’s investigation
~Jack Puffer is seen talking to a member of OCW security~
Jack Puffer: Excuse me, sir. But could you direct me toward the OCW men’s locker room?
OCW Security: Seriously?
Jack Puffer: I’m always serious when I’m working!
OCW Security: It’s right over there
~Puffer turns around and narrows his vision~
Jack Puffer: So it is. I shall give you a hearty recommendation my good man, thanks!
~Puffer dashes for the locker room. He kicks the door open…only he doesn’t. His knee jams and he falls to the ground. He looks up at the handle. He grabs the handle and uses it to pull himself up. In doing so he realizes the door is PULL not PUSH. Undaunted, he enters. He spots someone~
Jack Puffer: Excuse me, sir. But have you seen Who’Re?
~Puffer limps in, hopeful~
Wrestler: Hahahaha!
~The crowd goes wild as the wrestler is revealed to be Tony the Spider!~
Jack Puffer: She’s not in here, you say?
Tony the Spider: Hahaha
Jack Puffer: Well then…that is most unsettling. Thanks for the information my good man. I hope to see more of you in the future!
~And with that, Puffer exits the men’s locker room and heads off, in search of Who’Re. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Alright and after more foolishness we are back ready to present our next award!
Hood: You know an argument could be made that Jack Puffer is the real whore. Taking up all this camera time
Smith: That argument is far from invalid. Regardless…it’s time to find out who will be FACE of the year…here to present is Curt Canon
~Curt Canon emerges from behind the curtain with his signature smile. He’s got what appears to be CHECKERS on his shoulder. They reach the podium. He sets the award down and speaks~
Curt Canon: Face of the year! How exciting is this? So glad I get to announce it! I’ve been a face most of my career and nothing is better than putting smiles on the fan’s faces! Isn’t that right, Checkers?
~Checkers screeches with excitement~
Curt Canon: And…the nominees are…Mack O’Connor
~The fans give a strong ovation. Mack seems disinterested in the award~
Curt Canon: The Dravers Boys!
~The Dravers leap to their feet going wild~
Curt Canon: Mike Zybala!
~The crowd cheers for Zybala who seems to be in deep thought. Perhaps thinking about the ghost of Outsiders Championship Wrestling~
Curt Canon: Curt Canon!
~The crowd goes wild~
Curt Canon: Oh yea, that’s me! Sweet! Umm…we’ve also got The Incredible One!
~TIO is shown smiling. His wife and daughter look excited for him~
Curt Canon: MJ Bell
~With the camera still on TIO the crowd goes “oooohhhh”. TIO’s smile flattens. His wife wonders what’s up. He assures her it’s ancient history~
Curt Canon: And, Rebel!
~A fan is seen sticking gun underneath a nearby seat. He’s hauled away due to his rebellious act~
Curt Canon: And the winner of face of the year is….ME!!!!
~The crowd goes wild. TIO claps for Canon, mildly disappointed he didn’t pick up the award. The Dravers sit down. Canon hands the award to Checkers, who is clapping and he exits the stage~
Smith: Well deserved, I think. While TIO was arguably the face of OCW at the end of the run Canon carried the face banner for most of 2017
Hood: Yea, I guess. But, man, the presenter winning the award? CLASSIC OCW, BABY
Smith: Well…moving along…it’s time for HEEL of the year…arguably one of the most prestigious awards in OCW history
Hood: Everybody wants to be a heel
Smith: Apparently so…anyway, here to present the award for Heel of the Year is none other than OCW Hall of Famer, former World Champion and arguably the biggest heel in company history…Lurrr!!
~Lurrr appears from behind the curtain. His bottom lip protrudes due to a ridiculously large amount of tobacco packed inside. He’s got a LIGHT BLUE solo cup in his left hand and the award, along with an envelope in his right. He approaches the podium and begins speaking. A smattering of tiny voices are heard nearby~
Lurrr: Yea, yea, yea, quiet down everyone, I’ve got places to be. Anyway, it’s time for Heel of the Year or, as I like to call it, The Lurrr Award. Hope there are some good candidates this year and no pussy candidates like TGO.
~More light chatting in front of the stage. It starts to bother Lurrr. He pauses and glares in the direction of the chatting. It doesn’t stop~
Lurrr: Ugh…ANYWAY, as I was saying. The candidates for OCW’s 2017 Heel of the Year are…
~The chatting turns into some light laughing. It forces Lurrr to lose his train of thought. He pauses. His face turns red. He explodes~
Lurrr: Will you SHUT the fuck up and show some fucking respect? For fuck’s sake! I’m up here trying to give an award away. Yea, YOU idiots, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
~The crowd is stunned to silence. The group that was chatting has been silenced…for a moment. Some sniffles emerge followed by light sobbing. Lurrr tries to read the nominees~
Lurrr: Unbelievable disrespect. The nominees are…TIO, Meyhu, CJ O’Donnell, Bob Grenier, and Chad…Chad…Chad…
~The continuous sobbing and sniffling causes Lurrr’s train of thought to completely derail~
Lurrr: Okay, that’s it!!
~Lurrr hops off the stage and goes OFF on the noisy section. It turns out to be the section with the young kids. They are all frozen with fear. Lurrr stands over them, poised to deliver his finishing maneuver…a Superkick called The Wake Up Call. He’s about to lunge forward, nailing the first kid which would, in theory, knock them all over via some type of domino effect. He pauses, he hesitates~
Lurrr: Son of a bitch!
~He turns around and drills SHOOTAH in the neck brace with The Wake Up Call!! The crowd goes wild. He curses at Shootah, who is knocked out, on the ground. He then turns to the kids~
Lurrr: Now, PLEASE…show some damn respect, okay?
~The teary eyed, scared quiet premature audience nods, nervously. Lurrr hops back on stage~
Lurrr: So, where was I…ah, fuck it. The winner of 2017’s Heel of the Year is…MATT MEYHU!!!!!
~The crowd boos. A WEAK ASS BOOKING cry sounds out which may or may not have been shouted by a Chad Vargas fan – or Treat Cassidy himself. Lurrr spots some fine print beneath Meyhu’s name~
Lurrr: Uhh, yea, so, apparently Meyhu couldn’t make it tonight. He’s got more important things to do.
~Lurrr, the quintessential heel, chuckles~
Lurrr: However, it says here if and when he’s offered his long overdue rematch against TIO then he’d consider his return. And, he states, EXPLICITLY that this rematch is for the ONLINE title and not the OUTSIDER title. He makes that VERY clear.
~Zybala does not appear pleased. The camera finds TIO. The crowd goes wild and chants “REMATCH”. TIO nods and holds the title in the air as if to say “I’m game.” We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Kind of a letdown that we didn’t get the Marvel here tonight
Hood: Yea well when you portray him as the champion of a backyard fed…you have to deal with the consequences
Smith: Indeed…well let’s cut backstage before we announce our next Hall of Fame inductee!
~Who’Re is spotted! She’s talking with a father who is, apparently, returning from the bathroom with his young son. The kid is eager to return to their seat~
Dad: In just a few minutes, Christopher! Would you be quiet, I’m talking here!
Who’Re: Oh, that’s okay. He’s just excited to return to the show
Dad: Don’t concern yourself with this little shit of a son. He’s always whining and complaining. Kids are the worst. Anyway, so go on about your big announcement…
Who’Re: Yes! So Mr. European emailed me and let me know that I get to make this HUGE announcement near the end of the show about OCW’s plans for 2018! AKB was SO jealous. This is my big opportunity to be taken seriously as a young, female reporter!
~The Dad leans closer to Who’Re~
Dad: Wow, that’s so interesting. I can’t wait to hear the announcement. I have no doubt…
~The kid whines, loudly. The dad tries to shut him up~
Who’Re: I think you’d better take your son back to his seat. Maybe I’ll see you later.
~Who’Re walks away from the dad. In the background we hear the Dad yell to his son~
Dad: YOU BLEW IT!!
~Who’Re is unaffected by the outburst. She blithely marches around backstage…until she bumps into JACK PUFFER~
Jack Puffer: Oh, excuse me miss!
Who’Re: Oh, that’s alright!
~Puffer eyes Who’Re suspiciously. She smiles, unaware~
Jack Puffer: Say…you wouldn’t happen to know where I could find a person by the name of Who’Re. I’ve been charged with locating her and she’s just impossible to find.
Who’Re: Really? Well I’m…I mean, who is looking for her?
Jack Puffer: AKB. He’s a reporter for OCW
~Even Who’Re is blown away by how easy Puffer gave up his client~
Who’Re: Oh, well that certainly sounds important. I’m sorry to say I haven’t seen her. But I will be sure to keep my eyes open for ya!
Jack Puffer: That would be absolutely lovely, my lady
~Who’Re smiles. Puffer side steps, giving her room to move along. He motions with her arm in an anachronistic gentlemanly gesture. Who’Re simply flashes a confused smile and scuttles off. Puffer continues his search~
Jack Puffer: I’m beginning to think this Who’Re doesn’t exist. Oh well…Detective Jack Puffer never lets a case run cold!
~We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Well then…
Hood: Why do we put important shit in the hands of imbeciles?
Smith: AKB hired Puffer…we, OCW had nothing to do with that
Hood: I’m talking about Who’Re making that huge announcement
Smith: Lay off Who’Re…I think she’s extremely underrated. She never gets an opportunity to showcase her skill as a reporter because AKB is always undercutting her.
Hood: SHE FUCKED A DRAVERS
Smith: Well, there is that. And there’s also this…the newest member of the OCW Hall of Fame!!
~In an effort to appropriately shift from Puffer/Who’Re to a HOF induction, some regal music begins to play. Smith clears his throat and allows some time to pass…once he feels it’s appropriate, he moves ahead~
Smith: This man entered the OCW scene in late 2014. It didn’t take him long to make an impact by winning the OCW Title. He would return in 2015 and play a major role in OCW’s main event scene. And, he would once again return in 2017 where he would prove that he is, without a doubt one of the best wrestlers in OCW history. His impressive record, his championship accomplishments, and, most importantly, his bellicose demeanor has endeared him with OCW fans across the globe. Ladies and Gentlemen…please welcome to the OCW Hall of Fame
~The crowd goes wild with a well-earned ‘Mack’ chant. Mack stands up looking surprised. He removes his flask for a celebratory drink. He finds it empty. This pisses him off. A fan nearby makes the mistake of touching Mack on the shoulder. Mack turns around and slugs the fan, knocking him out. He then storms off to re-fill his flask~
Smith: Mack O’Connor ladies and gentlemen!
Hood: Fucking deserved! Mack is one of my all-time favorite OCW wrestlers!
Smith: Haha, indeed!
Hood: And, tonight, he will most likely raise the stock price of Jameson Whiskey by a full 2.35 percent!
Smith: That’s quite specific, but, hey, you could be correct! It’s been a great night thus far and we’ve still got a ways to go. Our biggest awards are yet to come…so let’s not waste any more time…let’s find out the winner of FEUD of the year!
~We focus on stage~
Smith: At the risk of getting political, OCW has invited the following presenters for Feud of the Year. Introducing REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRAT!
~In unison, a man in red and a man in blue step toward the podium. There is an icy chill between the two of them…yet, they maintain statuesque professionalism~
Republican: Feud…
Democrat: Feud.
Republican: FEUD
Democrat: FEUD!
~They begin to argue over who should go first. Smith mentions they should do it alphabetically~
Democrat: Feud of the year is arguably the most important award given in professional wrestling.
Republican: For feuds are at the heart and soul of any and every conflict.
Democrat: Feuds are renowned for the compassion they impose upon the
Republican: COMPASSION?!
Democrat: YES! Compassion.
Republican: More like VIOLENCE. Feuds are the essence underlying VIOLENT behavior
Democrat: How repugnant! Not everything is about violence
Republican: And not everything is about compassion
Democrat: Did you not feel compassion for TIO during his break away from Aptitude?
Republican: I wanted him to punch them right in the fucking face!
Democrat: Disgusting
Republican: The only thing disgusting is your hideous face
Democrat: I beg your pardon?
Republican: Pardon this.
~Republican delivers a straight right hand, drilling Democrat in the face. Democrat is appalled. He responds with a left back hand! Republican delivers another right fist…the crowd yells “VIOLENCE!” Democrat connects with another left back hand…the crowd yells “COMPASSION!” They go back and forth with the crowd chanting “VIOLENCE!” and “COMPASSION!” After several blows they lean into one another, both about to collapse. They equally muster up some reserved energy, rear back and connect at the same time…Republican with his right fist, Democrat with his left back hand. They fall to the ground, unconscious. The crowd goes wild~
Smith: Well…what do we do now?
Hood: Maybe THEY should get feud of the year
~Suddenly a woman emerges dressed in beige. She approaches the podium and finds the envelope and award unaltered. She speaks into the mic~
Woman: Hi, my name is Libertarian. I guess since these two can’t get along I’ll be the voice of reason. The nominees for Feud of the Year are…Matt Meyhu vs. TIO vs. CJ O’Donnell! Mike Zybala vs. The Aptitude! Matt Meyhu vs. The Incredible One! CJ O’Donnell vs. Josie Barnes! MJ Bell vs. The Incredible One! The Aptitude vs. The Clientele! And, finally, The Incredible One vs. Chad Vargas!
~The crowd goes will reminiscing on all these great feuds~
Libertarian: Now, personally, even though nobody asked…it’s my opinion that Best Feud should go to the feud which drew the most viewers, the most money. That’s the logical way to decide this, I think. So…without further…
~Out of nowhere a woman dressed in green rushes the stage! She drills Libertarian in the back with a steel chair!! Libertarian falls to the ground, knocked out. The woman in the green suit grabs the envelope. The crowd is quiet, unsure how to react~
Woman: Hi, my name is GREEN! And I’m here to announce the real winner!
~Green holds up the envelope and rips it apart!~
Green: Everybody is the winner! We will all SHARE this award! Shootah! Liam Lee Zua! Madyson Carter! Dangerous Dan! Everyone! Congrats on your SHARED Feud of the Year!
~Behind Green, Libertarian fights to her feet. She seems dazed, possibly unaware of what she’s doing…merely acting on instinct. She grabs Green’s head and drops her on the stage with a Reverse DDT!! The crowd goes wild. Libertarian remains on the ground, motionless. All four presenters are down in a heap. Smith and Hood are speechless~
Hood: So…who fucking won?
Smith: I…I don’t know
~The Knife Man rushes out. He waves his giant knife around…on the tip is a giant, white blob of goo~
Hood: Gross! His knife is leaking jizz!
Smith: I think that’s glue, Hood
~The Knife Man hurriedly reassembles the award announcement. Once finished, he raises his knife high into the air and brings it CRASHING down, stabbing the envelope. He calmly stands and extends the envelope, skewered at the end of his knife toward Smith. Trembling, Smith reaches out and shakily removes it. The Knife Man nods toward Smith and turns in the direction of the four presenters…he grabs their arms and drags them backstage~
Smith: Alright…let’s see…wow he did a great job! Anyway…the winner of 2017 Feud of the Year goes to…The Incredible One and Chad Vargas!!!
~The crowd gives a strong ovation. TIO stands, pleased. He heads up the ramp and accepts the award. He waits for a moment, but there is no sign of Vargas. TIO leans into the mic~
TIO: Unfortunately it appears The Confederate Icon isn’t here tonight. That’s a shame. We had two of the most brutal matches in OCW history last year. Vargas is as tough as he is belligerent. I look forward to potentially facing him again. Thanks again for this award. It means more than you all could ever know.
~The crowd goes crazy for TIO. He steps off stage with his second award of the evening. We turn back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Well deserved
Hood: Was it? I honestly thought it’d go to the breakup of Aptitude
Smith: I’m sure it was close…but Vargas and TIO kick started the 2017 run. Not only that, but it built into the Clientele/Aptitude feud as well as branching into several other feuds involving Aptitude members against Mack and Vargas.
Hood: Yea, I guess…it was the monkey with AIDS, right?
Smith: Uhh, yea, whatever that means
Hood: You know, spreading the disease!
Smith: Yea, sure…anyway, moving along…it’s time to figure out who was awarded 2017’s Most Charismatic Wrestler…here to present…wait a minute, what’s this?
~The crowd gives a minimal pop when they see JACK PUFFER emerge from behind the curtain, looking hither and yon. He reaches the mic and speaks into it~
Jack Puffer: Hello? Is this thing on?
Random Voice: YES IT’S FUCKING ON
Jack Puffer: Okay, cool…wow, nice stage
~Puffer looks around at the audience~
Jack Puffer: I’m from OCW. I must have wandered into another building
Smith: Jack….this IS the OCW Arena. You’re interrupting our awards show.
Jack Puffer: Ohhhh, okay, sorry…just real quick, has anybody seen Who’Re?!
~The crowd shouts a variety of answers. None of which Puffer can decipher. Nathan Dravers slouches in his seat. Puffer shrugs and turns toward Smith~
Jack Puffer: I’m beginning to think she doesn’t exist
Smith: She’s backstage and blonde
Hood: And stupid with really big tits
Smith: That’s according to Hood. But, yea, she’s back there…keep looking, Jack. You’ll find her
Jack Puffer: Blonde you say…hmm. Alright, that should help. Sorry for the interruption gentlemen! I’ll be on my way!
~Puffer hops off the stage and walks around the audience, looking for a blonde woman. Fortunately most of OCW’s blonde, female wrestlers didn’t last very long. Puffer holds his arms out, empty handed. He then turns and heads backstage~
Smith: Now that that’s over…let’s get to the next award…here to present the award for 2017’s Most Charismatic Wrestler is…none other than Dr. Orange!!
~The crowd boos as Dr Orange struts, confidently toward the podium. He sets the award and envelope down and speaks~
Dr Orange: Thank you. Thank you. You’re all lovely people. It’s been awhile. I’ve been very busy. Max has been busy becoming a huge star all over the world. A tremendous talent, as you all know. I was asked to hand out any award of my choosing. I asked which award Max was up for. And this was the one. So, let’s get to the nominees
~Dr Orange clears his throat~
Dr. Orange: Chad Vargas. Racist lunatic. Ed Houston. Tiny, short, weak. Alice Knight. A woman, need I say more? Bradley Carrington. Too smart. Uses too many big words. Overcompensation. Iggy Hardy. Psychopathic loser. Max Shade. A legend. More than a man. The future of this business. And, Drew Stevenson. Lame.
~He opens the envelope and reads~
Dr. Orange: And the winner of 2017’s Most Charismatic Wrestler is…IGGY HARDY!
~Dr. Orange shakes his head as the crowd goes wild~
Dr. Orange: Rigged system.
~Iggy’s body bursts through the bottom of the stage!! He climbs through the hole as the crowd yells “INTENSITY!!” Dr. Orange turns around, slowly. Iggy picks him up and drops him with an ALABAMA SLAM onto the stage! Iggy struts around in his way too short, too tight shorts. He’s got remnants of cocaine surrounding his nose. He grabs the award and does a somersault off the stage! He lands on his feet, dropkicks a fan nearby, jumps back up and sprints away. The portion of the crowd who was not assaulted goes wild~
Smith: Iggy Hardy, everyone
Hood: Gosh how I’ve missed him
Smith: That makes one of us
~There is a slight pause as we see The Knife Man rush into view and begin repairing the hole in the floor with his knife~
Smith: I guess we have some time to kill
Hood: MOTHER FUCKER!
Smith: What?
~Hood, viewing something on his phone, looks at Smith~
Hood: Alice Knight is already selling her OCW Hall of Fame plaque online!
Smith: No way, that’s got to be a fake
~Smith leans in, looking. He sees a selfie just taken by a happy Alice, holding her plaque, next to Who’Re backstage. It’s obviously legit~
Smith: Well, at least someone can find Who’Re. How much is she selling it for?
Hood: FIFTY DOLLARS
Smith: Yikes
Hood: Yea and that’s not the worst part
Smith: What’s the worst part?
Hood: She’s selling it on CRAIGSlist…the fucking dirty flea market of the internet!
Smith: Is it really that bad?
Hood: Even ZYBALA is selling Outsider merch on Ebay. She’s awful, Smith
Smith: If Craigslist is so dirty, why do you have an account?
~Hood quickly turns his phone off and stuffs it in his pocket~
Voice: Hello everybody!
~The crowd pops as Eastern European emerges from behind the curtain. The stage has been promptly repaired by the amazing craftsmanship of The Knife Man~
Smith: Hood, look it’s our On Site GM!
Hood: Wow, he hasn’t been fired yet?
Smith: Apparently not
~EE reaches the podium~
EE: It pleases me to being here this night of great happenings! I will be presenting the award for best match! This is good, yes? YES!
~The crowd cheers~
Smith: Kind of disappointed, I thought he might be making an announcement
Hood: Well he kinda is, dickbag. Way to shit all over the award
Smith: You know what I meant!
EE: Many great matches in 2017. So violent they remind me of bread lines where I come from. Nominees are Chad the Vargas and Incredible One both times! Mack against The Marvel! The Marvel against Incredible One! Aptitude fighting each other! MJ the Bell against Incredible One! And, Mack against Incredible One! Wow, what great matches, yes? YES!
~The crowd applauds all the great matches listed~
EE: And winner of award goes to…The Marvel against Mack O’Connor! Wow, the choice is great!
~The crowd pops for the winner~
Smith: That was a great match, Hood. It signaled the rise of Meyhu while also showcasing the heart and determination within Mack O’Connor.
Hood: No shit, I think that match did more for Mack, honestly, than any previous match in his OCW career
Smith: Indeed
~Mack, with a freshly filled flask handy, steps in front of the podium. EE is doing his weird clap. Mack takes the award and leans into the mic~
Mack O’Connor: Thanks, I guess. You could have given it to the match that I fucking won, but I guess this is better than nothing.
~Mack holds up the award and heads back into the crowd. EE waves to the crowd and exits~
Smith: And, well that leaves us with two planned announcements remaining
Hood: I know we’ve got Wrestler of the Year…what’s the other?
Smith: It’s our fourth and final Hall of Fame inductee!
Hood: Oh…sweet…who is it?
Smith: Well, Marcus Welsh decided we should try something new with the Hall of Fame this year. He thinks we need our own version of a Celebrity Wing!
Hood: WHAT?
Smith: That’s what he said
Hood: What a horrible fucking idea
Smith: Yea, well I don’t make the rules around here. So…it is with great pride that I announce our first ever Celebrity Hall of Famer
Hood: Ugh…well I hope it’s at least someone decent like Samuel L Jackson
Smith: Please welcome the newest members to the OCW Hall of Fame…
Hood: You have got to be fucking kidding me!
~The crowd is silent…aside from the Dravers. They leap to their feet and go wild. Skillet emerges from behind the curtain. Jen Ledger, the female of the group, speaks~
Jen Ledger of SKILLET: Wow, this is such an honor. I mean, when we got the call we never expected…
~A group of men with really bad, orange wigs bust in through the back of the audience with a megaphone~
Megaphone Guy: Hold it right there! As the leader of the ORANGE CAT HEAD fan club I cannot condone this induction. This is obvious pandering to the Dravers…the same individuals who publicly shamed men with ORANGE CAT HEADS
~The Orange Cat Head fan club storm the stage, angrily. They get all up in Skillet’s face. The male members of the band shield Jen as a brawl is about to break out~
Orange Cat Head Leader: We officially boycott this induction and will not leave until it is annulled.
~The Orange Cat Heads throw punches at Skillet. Skillet responds. The Orange Cat Heads begin to take advantage due to the fact they outnumber Skillet nearly 3-1. Suddenly, the crowd reacts as the Dravers leap from their chairs and rush the stage. They jump the Orange Cat Heads from behind and start taking them down, one by one~
Smith: The Dravers have had enough!
Hood: Fucking bullies!
Smith: What are you talking about? The Orange Cat Heads are clearly the bullies in this scenario
Hood: Such a Dravers fan boy
~Before long the Dravers have all the Orange Cat Heads thrown off the stage. The Faceless Men do the rest, dragging them away. This leaves the Dravers alone on stage with Skillet. They all look out toward the crowd. The crowd is silent. Jonathan turns toward the kids. He asks if they’d like them to sing. The kids cheer. The crowd, feeling like dicks, acquiesce and chant a very halfhearted ‘Sing.’ The Dravers hop up and down and turn to Skillet. Jen leans into the mic~
Jen Ledger: Well, let’s give the fans what they want!
~The music to “Hero” fires up. Skillet starts to sing with the Dravers chiming in. Jen is in between both Nathan and Jonathan as they share the mic. It’s, I guess, a feel good moment. The crowd is quiet and respectful~
Smith: What a moment, Hood!
Hood: Ugh…this is HORRIFIC
Smith: If by Horrific you mean Terrific…sure!
~They are halfway through the song…it’s pure euphoria on stage. But…then…it all comes to a screeching halt as a very familiar voice blasts over the P.A. with the following words blasted upon the screen behind the stage~
~The crowd goes WILD as the lights go out. They promptly turn back on with CHAD VARGAS on stage holding a STEEL chair. The Dravers spot him first…he nails each of them with a VICIOUS chair shot to the head. He proceeds to take out all the male members of Skillet. Only Jen Ledger remains. She begs for a reprieve. Chad will offer her none. He tosses the chair down, grabs Jen and drops her with THE STROKE onto the chair! The crowd goes wild with “VARGAS!” chants. Chad is fired up, slapping his chest and hurling every curse word known to man and some he seems to have made up on the spot!~
Hood: Now THIS is a moment!
Smith: Did he really have to hurt Jen?
Hood: Of course he did…he’s Chad Vargas!
~Vargas rips the mic from the podium and speaks into it. It surprisingly works~
Chad Vargas: Celebrity wing? FUCK THAT SHIT. Skillet isn’t in the OCW Hall of Fame, no way in fucking hell! I just had a talk with Welsh and made him realize what a SHITTY, WEAK ASS idea that is…YEA I SAID IT. So, I’d like to introduce you to the NEWEST member of the OCW Hall of Fame…
~Chad tosses the mic down and storms off stage. The crowd chants his name and is as frenzied as they’ve been all evening. We cut to Smith and Hood~
Hood: Yes! Vargas is in the Hall of Fame!
Smith: And I’m told that YES, it is official. There was probably a more dignified way of going about this but, hey, Classic OCW, right?
Hood: Damn straight!
Smith: Well while we get all this straightened out and our podium fixed so we can announce the final award of the night…let’s head backstage!
~We cut backstage where AKB is talking with Puffer~
AKB: So you didn’t find her?
Jack Puffer: I’m sorry to say that Who’Re managed to evade my skills. I apologize, sir. She is truly a master at the art of evasion.
AKB: Yea, I guess. It’s my fault, really. I should have known you weren’t any good at this. Fuck, I really wanted that scoop. Oh well…at least I’ve got this.
Jack Puffer: What’s that you’ve got there?
AKB: it’s a list of the names who made it into OCW’s Honorable Mention section…a step necessary in taking before being eligible for the Hall of Fame
Jack Puffer: Oh! Am I on there?
AKB: No….but the following names are!
Matt Meyhu
Jack Puffer: Wow, that seems like overkill
AKB: Hey, I didn’t create the list, I’m just reading it
Jack Puffer: Fair enough my good man…I’ll post an official inquiry. With that many names they no doubt forgot mine. Regardles…
~AKB is ignoring Puffer and staring at the screen. Who’Re is at the podium~
Jack Puffer: What is it, my good man?
AKB: It’s Who’Re!
Jack Puffer: WHERE?!
~Puffer looks to his left, his right, up, down, back and front…he’s frantic
AKB: On the TV screen…she’s about to make her announcement
~Puffer stares at the screen~
Jack Puffer: HER…she tricked me, sneaky vixen. Fear not, Alpha…I will complete the mission!
~About to stop Puffer…AKB pauses, eager to see the outcome. We cut to a full shot of Who’Re at the podium. Her blouse is unbuttoned pretty low, showing a ton of cleavage~
Who’Re: Thank you for giving me your attention. It’s hard to be taken seriously in such a male driven industry. But, I do my best! And, well, tonight, I have the opportunity of making the biggest announcement of my career. This announcement is in regards to OCW and its future for 2018…so, I’d like to announce that…
~Puffer sprints across the stage, tackling Who’Re. The crowd boos!~
Smith: Hey! Get him out of here…he’s ruining the big announcement!
Hood: Man, guy is evidently totally sex starved.
Smith: No, he’s been looking for her all night and now, well, now he’s found her.
~With the faceless men busy handling other matters, Puffer is able to carry Who’Re off stage, through the crowd and backstage. The crowd hisses and throws stuff at him. The wrestlers in attendance seem annoyed. We cut back to Smith and Hood~
Smith: Well, so much for that! I guess we might as well get to the main event of the evening
Hood: Wrestler of the Year…hell yea!
Smith: And here to deliver the award is former OCW owner, Dean!
Hood: DEAN?
Smith: Yes…I’m told it was all part of a deal to end all operations of Outsider
Hood: Ah
CJ O’Donnell
Max Shade
Damian K’
Jacqui Monroe
Ed Houston
Bradley Carrington
Josie Barnes
Tommy Crimson
Iggy Hardy
Rebel
Robert Morbidus
The Dravers Boys
Lukas Emery
Mike Zybala
The Lost Soul
Julliet Brooks
Mark Storm
Dangerous Dan
Crazy Chris
Itsumade
Noah Mackenzie
Ricky Rhodes
~Dean, in his finest OFF THE RACK suit, approaches the podium~
Dean: It’s great to be back, suckas!
~A loud ‘Dean’ chant breaks out. He pauses, enjoying every moment~
Dean: So you suckas remember me, huh? Well that’s great! Hopefully this appearance is on a more permanent basis. Now, before I begin…where’s my brotha, Zybala at?
~Dean points at Zybala who acknowledges Dean~
Dean: Damn shame Outsider didn’t take off…but, it is what it is…Zybala worked his ass off on that place. Hope the guy gets what he deserves in 2018. Anyway…I’m here for a job so let’s get down to it…Wrestler of the Year! The nominees are…Alice Knight!
~An “OWL IS NIGHT” chant breaks out~
Dean: The Incredible One!
~The crowd pops and breaks out into a “TIO!” chant~
Dean: Matt Meyhu!
~A few boos sound out but most people sit in silence out of respect~
Dean: CJ O’Donnell!
~Respect is thrown out the window. Every mother fucker in the arena boos ~
Dean: The final nominee is Mack O’Connor!
~Again, the crowd pops. Mack downs a hearty portion of his flask~
Dean: And…the 2017 Wrestler of the Year is…
~The crowd is silent with baited breath~
Dean: THE INCREDIBLE ONE!!!!
~TIO springs to his feet! He hugs his family and hurries up stage. He stands face to face with Dean. Dean extends his hand, TIO shakes it. The two embrace. Dean steps aside and TIO takes the award and the mic~
TIO: Wow…Wrestler of the Year. The talent in 2017 was immense. To be considered the best of all that talent is, well, it’s pretty damn incredible.
~The crowd chants “TIO!” he pauses, soaking in the chants. They start to die off, so he continues~
TIO: This would be a great time to retire, you know? OCW Champion, Wrestler of the Year, Hall of Famer…what more is there to prove? It’s been an incredible career. But…you know…I’ve heard rumor that OCW might be returning…and, if that’s the case, you can look forward to seeing more of The Incredible One in 2018!
~The crowd chants “FUCK YES!” and “TIO!” He holds the award up with one hand and the OCW Title with the other~
TIO: Thank you all very much! See you in the near future!
~TIO exits the stage. Dean walks back through the curtain. We focus on Smith and Hood~
Smith: Much deserved…TIO was the centerpiece of pretty much everything that happened last year.
Hood: Yea, I can’t argue that. But, man, what a list!
Smith: Indeed… it’s been a long, crazy night…
Hood: No shit…having been off for so long, I’m kinda fatigued
Smith: That makes two of us…so…with that being said…I’m Smith and alongside me, as always, is Hood and we’ll see you when we see you!
~We cut to the back where Who’Re is being checked on by The Knife Man for a concussion. AKB is handing a piece of paper over to Puffer~
Jack Puffer: Bitcoin?
AKB: Yes, it’s even BETTER than money. Here ya go…it’s yours.
Jack Puffer: Okay…well, thanks. If you are ever in need of the services of Detective Jack Puffer in the future, let me know!
AKB: Yea, okay, bye!
~Puffer leaves, still confused over what the hell BITCOIN is. AKB turns to Who’Re~
AKB: So what was the announcement, c’mon, tell me!
Who’Re: Get away, Alpha! My head hurts! You ruined my moment!
AKB: Oh come on, not like there’s much up there to damage anyway
Who’Re: I hate you
~The Knife Man helps Who’Re to her feet, escorting her to a training room. As he does, a piece of paper falls out of her skin tight pants. AKB picks it up. He reads it and looks into the camera with wide eyes~
AKB: OCW is returning in 2018!
~Who’Re pauses and turns around upon hearing AKB~
Who’Re: You jerk!!
~She runs after AKB, attacking him. We fade to black~
